Tonight, Charity Begins at court. And the cast of star wars answers just one question. Plus, stephen welcomes mark harmon and comedian Caitlin Weierhauser featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey happy friday nice to see you beautiful you audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen good to see you. Happy friday hello, my friends thank you so much. Wooo wooo got that friday feeling. Got that friday feeling in this room. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is friday, and everybody is ready for the weekend. Trumps had another rough week on the impeachment front, but hes got something to look forward to this weekend. On saturday, hes going to the annual armynavy football game. Now, this is one sporting event where trumps got a pretty good chance of not getting booed. laughter and even if he is, the booing will be highly regimented sir, boo, sir permission to tell you that you suck, sir laughter applause soon soon soon, trump could have a whole new military team to root for, because this week, the house passed a bill to establish space force, which will be dedicated to handling threats in space. as trump lot of hightech threats up there. I hear theyve been making smaller and much more portable yodas. laughter even before the bill passed, trump was already boasting about space force. Its one of the biggest applause of anything. Its the sixth branch of the United States armed forces, the space force. Stephen its one of the biggest applause . as trump ill do anything people clap for who wants free beer force . How about nameofthetownim in force . but space isnt as lofty as it sounds, because the new space force will still be housed within the air force and be staffed by personnel within the air force who currently work on space. laughter thats right space forces headquarters will be in. Preexisting office space cheers and applause now, the reason House Democrats gave trump his space force is because the bill that established space force also contains their futuristic dream project paid parental leave for federal workers. cheers and applause that is great. Hell, yeah, that is really good. And you know what, im not surprised trump agreed to that. as trump makes sense. When things get parental, i always leave. But trumps not just getting cool space toys this holiday season. Hes also going to be doing some giving. This week, we learned he paid 2 million to eight charities. Thats a generous gift that came straight from the heart of the new york court system. Because donald trump only gave a dime because he was ordered by a judge who found the president had illegally used funds from his supposed charity, the donald j. Trump foundation. This is an exciting modern twist audience booo stephen yes, i agree. This is an exciting modern twist on the ending to a christmas carol. as scrooge you, boy down there what day is it, boy . as child why, its the day youre legally compelled to give to charity, sir laughter ive got a subpoena for a Christmas Goose darling boy charming boy in court, donald trump admitted to shocking misuse of his charitys funds, including giving his own president ial campaign 2. 8 million from a veterans fundraiser, and spending 10,000 on a portrait of himself. as trump it is so beautiful. Its look a mirror that doesnt know when im naked. laughter this i like trumps three adult kids were officers of the foundation, and as part of the settlement, eric, don jr. , and ivanka were ordered to undergo mandatory training to ensure they do not engage in similar misconduct in the future. That must have been a big day for eric. as eric guys it was so fun it was so fun to hang out together at mandatory Charity Class hey, lets have a class reunion right now come back come back ill give you money to stick around isnt that isnt that how Charity Works . laughter cheers and applause love me. Mandatory charity training. Mandatory charity training mandatory charity training his children had to go to mandatory charity training. What kind of test do you have to take at the end of that course . Question 1 charity is a voluntary giving; b the name of the lady dad says to never tell melania about. laughter now im sorry. Did i just break some news to you about his fidelity . Trump didnt get to choose which Charities Got his courtordered donations, and you can tell, because one of them is the United Negro College fund. cheers yes, good for them. Give, give, give, an excellent charity. And we have a photocopy of trumps check to them. Whats on the memo line, jim . as trump do i get to say it now . Audience oooh stephen of course, there are still plenty of candidates competing to give america the greatest gift of all a different president. And ill tell you all about it in tonights doin it donkey style. cheers and applause raise teachers wages stephen tonight on kickin donks, the current front runner is former Vice President and High School Principal dropping his rap song about summer reading, joe biden. This week, four unnamed biden advisers told politico that the candidate has been quietly telling people that if hes elected, he would serve only a single term. What a selfless, patriotic pledge. It reminds me of William Henry harrisons famous slogan, tippecanoe, and i will die after 31 days in office. laughter promises made. Promises kept. The advisers claim the strategy is designed to appeal to Younger Voters who are unexcited by bidens candidacy. Well, thats like trying to convince someone to marry you because of all the great stuff theyll get in the divorce. laughter next up on goin down to donkey town, new jersey senator and man in coach staring longingly into first class, cory booker. Senator booker did not qualify for the upcoming december debate, but hes been getting some help on the campaign trail from his girlfriend, movie star rosario dawson. The New York Times shared a curious tidbit about booker and dawsons relationship. When theyre not together, the new jersey senator reads her books over the phone, and sometimes leaves the days passage on voice mail. Thats how you get a movie star girlfriend . He better hope she never finds out about audible. laughter applause according according sure, audible. Why not sure there you go. According to the times, theyre currently working their way through welcome to the monkey house, which is either the classic short story collection by Kurt Vonnegut or the latest white house tellall. Speaking of tellalls, theres another actual insider account of the trump administration. This one is called trump and his generals the cost of chaos. The cost of chaos, by the way, is 15. 99. The book is by National Security expert peter bergen. He writes about a meeting in 2017 where trump saw a satellite image of the north korean peninsula, showing lights of china and south korea and the blackness of north korea in between, which trump initially mistook for an ocean. as trump wait a second. So north korea is under the sea . I have it on Good Authority from a singing crab that thats a very nice place. laughter applause so to help trump figure it out, officials brought out a map, which made trump even more confused. Evidently, when he saw that seoul was just 30 miles south of the demilitarized zone, the president asked, why is seoul so close to the north korean border . I mean, look at it its, like, two inches away and look at our map somebody put hawaii in a box in the corner but i cant have a border wall. In january of 2018, trump saw a fox news segment warning u. S. Citizens to steer clear of south korea. So he rushed to tell pentagon officials, i want an evacuation of american civilians from south korea. He was warned that such an evacuation would be interpreted as a signal that the u. S. Was ready to go to war and would crash the south korean stock market. Trumps response . Go do it trump saw something on fox news, almost destroyed the korean economy and started the second korean war. For the good of the nation, please, someone, switch his tv over to the food network as trump american citizens Must Immediately evacuate flavor town so delta force can bring guy fieri to justice. laughter speaking of other countries finland. They just wrapped up their election, and after her landmark win on sunday, sanna marin will become the worlds youngest Prime Minister at the age of 34. cheers and applause yes, thats extraordinary. 34 years old. Unbelievable. This millennial caught a lot of buzz with her Campaign Slogan bad finnish accent okay, boomer. laughter but i dont speak finnish, but i help thats okay. This isnt her first prominent government role, because marin is the countrys former transportation minister. And she got that role at an even younger age because of her experience in how the wheels on the bus go round and round. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight mark harmon is here but when we come back, the stars of star wars spill their secrets stick around there he is. Oh, wow. Youre doing, uh, youre doing really great with the twirling. Dad, if you want to talk, i have a break at 3 00. Okay, okay. Im going. Im gone. Like like i wasnt here. [ horn honks ] keep keep doing it, buddy. Switch to progressive and you can save hundreds. You know, like the sign says. You can get bothressive andan unlimited plandreds. paul sprint has great news for you and your family. sprintern . And the powerful new iphone 11 paul . Included for just 35 a month when you switch. sprintern whoa, what a deal paul now, thats a way to take it to 11. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Aveeno® with prebiotic striple oat complex balances skins microbiome. So skin looks like this and you feel like this. Aveeno® skin relief. Get skin healthy™ or these. Good thing theyre sold literally everywhere business is done. Im pretty sure you could buy them at a bank. Not sorry. Reeses. Not orry. Dont get mad. Get e trade, dawg. Mucinex cold flu allinone. Fights. Oh no. Nonono. Did you really need the caps lock . Mucinex cold and flu allinone. whistling band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody jon, jon, i gotta say youre looking splendid in velvet tonight. Jon yes, indeed, velveteen, gotta get it. Stephen that looks very warm. Jon yeah, its cold in here. Stephen yeah. Even for this place its cold right now. Is everybody is everybody warm enough . Jon there it is. They said it. There it goes. Stephen i shouldnt have asked. Okay. Jon, mark harmon is here. Jon mark harmon. Hes been around forever cheers and applause stephen ncis, 17 seasons. Unbelievablal. Jon hes great. Stephen unbelievable, cant wait to talk to him. Folks, im so excited for next weeks release of star wars the rise of skywalker. Finally, finally, well get answers to all of our questions how does the skywaker saga end . Who are reys parents . Why does the ice planet hoth have a singing snowman . And did i accidentally buy a ticket for frozen 2 . Now, clearly, im not the only one who has questions. Everyone here at the late show wishes they could ask the cast of star wars just one question. And tonight, we let them do just that. This is the late shows just one question star wars edition. Whats it like to be part of the conclusion to the original star wars saga . It definitely feels like youre a moment youre a part of a moment of history. It feels very fulfilling to have contributed to this epic, epic saga. Hey, daisy ridley, how did you learn to do reys alien accent . Do you mean this accent . The one im speaking in right now . Yeah, what planet is that from . Its from england. laughter is it near the planet jakku . Sure, next question. Did any of the veteran star wars actors give you any helpful advice . Yeah. Harrison ford actually pulled me aside and said, dont ask me for any advice or ill kill you. That was very helpful. What would you do if you had the force . Id probably do this. choking hey, j. J. , can you test my midichlorian level . We dont really get into midichlorians in this movie. Oh, okay, because i actually brought a bunch of my blood to test to see if maybe im a jedi. Please put that away. Oscar isaac, whats it like to have an action figure of yourself . Oh, come on, please, dont act like you dont know. What are you talking about . Im talking about the bill marko Graphic Designer action figure. Where did you get that . Run over here and do my photoshop. Stop it kick my pencils not cool, man. I have to ask could you maybe no i cannot get you a baby yoda. I have nothing to do with the mandalorian. No further questions. My kid made this cardboard light saber, and i was wondering if youd be willing to sign it. Oh, this is so cute they even put a button on it. Dont touch that. Oh wow yeah, okay, this is really advanced and accurate. Yeah. Were home schooling him because of the playground incident. laughter hey, oscar isaac, who is your favorite star wars character . Definitely spock. Im pretty sure thats star trek. Excuse me. I think i know. Im the guy who plays poo. Its poe. You think, you know better than me, right . Yeah, you play poo, okay . Ive never seen any of the star wars movies. Could you quickly tell me what theyre about . Sure, it all starts with a negotiation over trade routes so obviously, to look into it, they send two wizards into outer space. The wizards become best friends with a little boy, but the boy grows up to be real weird. So one of the wizards slices him with a big glow stick and leaves him in a bunch of lava. But the boy had a secret wife who had secret twins. One of the twins gets adopted into a rich family and then becomes a princess and the other one is just a basic farmer. And then 19 years later, the farm boy randomly runs into his dads old robot. And finds out a strange man with a respirator made a metal planet that shoots other planets. So then the farm boy and his friends explode the metal planet, but then the bad guy makes another evil metal planet. So then they explode that one, too. Then farm boy helps kill the bad guy because he thinks the bad guy killed his dad. But it turns out, the bad guy was his dad. And, also, he kisses his sister. And then the farm boy moves to an island without telling anyone. Meanwhile are his nephew helps make another planet that shoots planets and he kills his dad. And a bunch of people explode that planet with the help of chewbacca, which is like a dog manthingamajiggybob. Finally a junkyard lady tracks down the farm boy and gets him to fight his nephew. The farm boy sends his own ghost to the fight and disappears into a pile of robes. And thats star wars. Pretty simple, really. applause stephen thank you, j. J. And the cast of star wars. The rise of skywalker is in theaters december 20. Well be right back. Okay, i have to say something. With the capital one venture card, you earn unlimited double miles on every purchase, every day. Not just on airline purchases. Holy matrimony thats a lot of miles anyone else . Whats in your wallet . 12. 99 all you can eat now with boneless wings. Only at applebees. Thats a reason to switch to jackson hewitt. Our tax returns come with a free lifetime accuracy guarantee. Life may change. Your lifetime accuracy guarantee wont. Tax prep guaranteed at jackson hewitt. Your lifetime accuracy guarantee wont. For powerful relief from cold and flu symptoms without a prescription, try theraflu multisymptom. Theraflu dissolves in seconds, so its ready to work before your first sip, and absorbs quickly to target and attack 8 cold and flu symptoms fast. Try theraflu. What shes ziplining with little jon . Its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Two bacon, two sausage, this is the two eggssuper slam. Hash browns and pancakes and now make those pancakes all you can eat for a buck. Thats where the duper comes in. The all new super duper slam just seven ninety nine. See you at dennys. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight as the star of ncis, now in its 17th season on cbs. Please welcome to the late show, mark harmon applause cheers and applause oh, you got that photo. cheers and applause stephen welcome, welcome to the show. Happy to have you here. Thank you. Happy to be here. Stephen i know you dont do a ton of talk shows. I dont. Stephen and so were so happy to have you here. Any time i meet somebody who did something that you did, i want to talk about it for a second, because im kind of jealous. You went on carson. I did. Stephen tell me what that was like. Because i would love to have ever met the man. He was incredibly nice and part of the advantage for me there is i didnt know what to expect, i mean, i knew later that he could destroy you if he wanted to. Stephen sure, friendly tiger. Yeah. Stephen what year are we talking here . 1902. Stephen oh, wow it was you. It was William Howard taft. And keith richards. Well, yeah, no you know, the he was a really nice man. And i was on the show, actually, twice. I did it once, and then the second time i went back, they had a comic on there that i didnt know was going to be on there. And he was he was a comic that i really loved, and i walked out, and he was sitting in the seat here. And i was behind the curtain. I didnt know he was there. And i walked out, i just couldnt believe he was here, because i knew all his albums stephen who was it . Come on, you know who it was. laughter stephen tell tell me one of his jokes. Were both catholic, you and me. Stephen yes, yes. And every catholic kid that i know stephen it was George Carlin. Yes, it was, sir. applause and stephen thats another thing to be jealous i never got to meet carlin. Well, i had never met him either. I had worked his concerts. I had worked concerts as a kid in college. He was sitting there, and carson was where you were, and i couldnt believe it was George Carlin, which gave carson what he loved to do which is pretend that he was being ignored. Which he did the whole show. But i knew all of his bi