About the strike have been lies . 80 are dishonest, and i mean really dishonest. Stephen so, why didnt you Tell Congress about the strike . Can you imagine . They want us to call up and speak to crooked corrupt politician adam schiff. Oh, adam, we have somebody that we have been trying to get for a long time stephen oooh, oooh, oooh i love improv let me be schiff. Hello, this is adam schiff. What do you want now, mr. President . Could we meet . Stephen meet . Lets see hmm, today is not good. Im pretending to talk to the president. Lets do it in a couple of days. Stephen now pretend im lou dobbs and i say, lou, heres the problem stephen is the problem that youre president of the United States and youre getting advice from lou dobbs . laughter shifting gears. The Oscar Nominations came out this morning, sir. Can you believe that beyonce was snubbed for best original song . I just have such respect for the queen, i dont think this should be happening to her. laughter stephen yeah. Back to the middle east. You campaigned on bringing the troops home, but now youre sending more troops to saudi arabia . Theyre paying us. Stephen well, that makes it sound like youre renting out our troops like mercenaries. Thats awful. Why would you do that . Beautiful green cash. Stephen okay, that seems like you. Moving on. Youre in the middle of being impeached, sir. How would other leaders handle that pressure . Theyd fold up like an umbrella. Stephen sir, do you know how to use an umbrella . Because this footage is pretty damning. laughter they made that story up. Stephen mr. President , thank you for joining me. Im so glad you keep agreeing to these fake interviews. Death to america. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, drama queen plus, stephen welcomes Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski. And a performance from tina si and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen hello thank you, please have a seat, everybody welcome. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause the world is still on edge over escalating tensions between rival foreign powers that could at any moment erupt into a fullblown war. And everyone is asking the same harrowing question can harry and meghan really leave the royal family . laughter jon can they leave stephen bringing you up to speed, last week, prince harry and duchess meghan dropped the banger and mash that they would step back as senior royals and work to become financially independent. But like many millennials who move out, theyll stay on the queens Verizon Family plan. laughter piano riff and Health Insurance too, probably. The palace was shocked, shocked and so today, the queen held a royal family summit to work out a future for prince harry and meghan. The queen put out this statement my family and i are entirely supportive of harry and meghans desire to create a new life as a young family. We respect and understand their wish to live a more independent life. Thats lovely. Its way nicer than the statements that came out of royal summits in the old days im starting a new religion so i can get divorced and kill my next wife. laughter jon whoa, whoa. Stephen yes, start a young family. Jon thats what they were doing . Oh, no. Stephen not good. piano riff in other international news, the Trump Administration still hasnt settled on one legal justification for bombing iranian general, qasem soleimani. One official grasping at straws is secretary of state and one man barbershop quartet, mike pompeo. laughter the administrations official explanation is that the strike occurred to thwart an imminent attack, but on thursday, pompeo had trouble narrowing that down. There is no doubt that there were a series of imminent attacks that were being plotted by qasem soleimani. And we dont know precisely when and we dont know precisely where, but it was real. laughter stephen as pompeo hello, 911 . Hello im being robbed i dont know precisely when, and i dont know precisely where, but i do have the address of a guy i want you to kill. This this is real hello hello hello piano riff applause even republicans were concerned about the vagueness of the justifications, so on friday the president went on the fox news to clear things up . Dont the American People have a right to know what specifically was targeted without revealing methods and sources . Well, i dont think so, but we will tell you that probably it was going to be the embassy in baghdad. I can reveal that i believe it would have been four embassies. Stephen he believes it would have been four embassies. Do we really want to live in a country where we bomb people because of what donald trump believes . Were talking about a guy who believes that windmills cause cancer. So, run for your lives, holland hes coming laughter now, on sunday cheers and applause get on your wooden shoes jon come on stephen stick your finger in the dike on sunday, defense secretary mark esper did his best and it wasnt good. Can you clarify though, was the specific threat that the president shared with fox news about four u. S. Embassies being under threat, also shared with congress . Why was there a difference . What the president said was he believed that it probably and could have been attacks against additional embassies. I shared that view. That sounds more like an assessment than a specific tangible threat with a a decisive piece of intelligence. Well, the president didnt say there was a tangible he didnt cite a specific piece of evidence. What he says is he probably he believed, could have been are you saying there wasnt one . I didnt see one with regard to the four embassies. Stephen wow. audience reacts the Trump Administration, theyre like the couple who didnt coordinate their lie before leaving the party. Welp, weve gotta head out. The babysitter called. Whats that . My wife said its because four embassies are under threat . Yes. It was that. They are threatened by the babysitter. Shes a maniac. Uh, keep the tupperware. Bye. This morning applause piano riff this morning, trump took to twitter to say he and esper are on the same page. The Fake News Media and their democrat partners are working hard to determine whether or not the future attack by terrorist soleimani was eminent or not. Now, you may have noticed trump used the wrong word there. Eminent, which means, famous and respected within a particular sphere. Ill use it in a sentence donald trump is the most eminent example of a man who doesnt know how to spell imminent. But, how cheers and applause just how eminent the threat was may not matter because this morning, we found out that trump iz soleimani seven months ago. So, we killed him on layaway . laughter is it an installment plan . as trump well kill him a little bit every month. laughter or does trump just have piles of authorizations lying around for things he wants to do and cant justify yet . as trump this one is to blow up rosie odonnell, and this one is to make tube tops mandatory. laughter over the weekend, iran finally admitted to accidentally shooting down a ukrainian passenger jet. In protest, iranians have taken to the streets to express their outrage at both the downing and the lying about it. To support the protesters, trump tweeted in both english and farsi, to the leaders of iran do not kill your protesters. Thousands have already been killed or imprisoned by you, and the world is watching. More importantly, the u. S. A. Is watching. Turn your internet back on and let reporters roam free as trump its so true, reporters deserve to be treated with respect, whether theyre from the failing New York Times or the fake news cnn, they should be allowed to roam free, give them a 30 minute head start and let don, jr. Hunt them. applause now, democrats don, jr. Democrats have been critical of trumps failure to provide evidence of an imminent attack, so, in response, the president retweeted this photoshop of Chuck Schumer and nancy pelosi in a turban and hijab with the caption, the corrupted dems trying their best to come to the ayatollahs rescue. That tweet is lazy, wrapped in dishonest, stuffed inside racist. Its, uh, its a trumpducken. laughter of course, trumps as anxious as the rest of us to find out wholl be the democratic nominee hes got his Photoshop Team standing by with a turban. And ill tell you the latest in tonights firstever installment of a progressive agenda. I dont know about you, but im having a good time. Its crazy fury road to the white house. 2020 cheers and applause stephen beautiful. Beautiful. Oh, i know. Oh, i know. Today we got some news from new jersey senator cory booker, seen here getting picked last for kickball. laughter this morning, booker shared this video. Ours is the story of the faith we have had in one another. We know beating donald trump is the floor, it is not the ceiling. It gets us out of a valley; it does not get us to the mountaintop. Stephen that is some inspiring rhetoric. You know what . We need to stop ignoring cory booker and get behind im sorry, theres more . We need all democrats together to call to this country to stand together, to work together, to rise together today im suspending my campaign stephen we need to stand together, work together, rise together, sit back down together, and quit alone. laughter bookers departure made a mark on one elderly white voter really big breaking news kidding booker who was in zero polling territory just dropped out of the democrat president ial primary race. Now i can rest easy tonight. I was sooo concerned that i would someday have to go head to head with him booing you know what . Thats a jerky thing to say. Trumps just jealous because cory booker did something trump could never do admit hes bald. laughter now, booker cheers and applause piano riff bont the ly democra to end his cpaign. Because on friday, Marianne Williamson dropped out of the 2020 race. Or did she in fact drop in to a different race in a parallel dimension . laughter williamson dropping out comes as laughter this comes as quite a blow to her probable running mate wind chimes. laughter piano riff so the democratic field has narrowed. Lets say goodbye, first, to Marianne Williamson. chmimes and a fond farewell to new jerseys cory booker. honking looks like hes caught on the turnpike. You should have left for the airport an hour ago, cory youre so screwed now. Oh, hes never going to get there get off laughter the candidates applause no. No. No. No. The candidates who are still in the race will be fighting it out tomorrow at the democratic debate, and we will be on the air right afterwards, live. Tune in to watch me stay up past my bedtime, and try not to swear. cheers and applause the debate is in iowa, where Bernie Sanders is enjoying a late surge. And trump has noticed, tweeting wow crazy Bernie Sanders is surging in the polls, looking very good against his opponents in the do nothing party. So what does this all mean . Stay tuned so what does this all mean . Stay tuned . Thats how cable news throws to a commercial. Is trump now just livetweeting whatevers on tv . as trump more fox and friends after the break. And now a Little English lizard is telling me to buy car insurance. laughter we have got a great show for you tonight Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski are here, and when we return goop has a new tv show stick around its going to get goopy. cheers and applause band playing sprintern paul im loooooving the allnew dual camera system with ultrawide on iphone 11 paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . 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Economically powerfully influenced my values. Bernie sanders hes fighting to raise wages. And guarantee health care for all. Now, our country is at a turning point. Hard working people, betrayed by trump, struggling to survive. In this moment, we need a fighter. Bernie sanders. We know hell fight for us as president because he always has. Im Bernie Sanders and i approve this message. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band, right there cheers and applause jon ho, oh stephen ah jon, tomorrow night . Tomorrow night, weve got mr. Mayor Michael Bloomberg is going to be here, live jon live stephen absolutely live after the debate, because well be talking about the debate right after it happens here on the Cbs Television network. And tonight, in just a few minutes, weve got the Joe Scarborough, right . Weve got the Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski will be out here or as the kids call them, coffee joe morning and mikas brew crew. Jon oh, yeah. Makes a lot of sense. Stephen yeah, everybody calls them that. Everybody calls them that, yeah. Jon you watching and drinking your coffee. I get that. Stephen yeah, those are their street names. Jon ah, what street . laughter stephen i dont know, probably fifth avenue or something, right . Probably fifth avenue. laughter folks, Everybody Knows i love celebrity lifestyle brand goop, and Gwyneth Paltrow, the wellnessmonger famous for her 66 jade vagina eggs, stickers that promote healing for 120, and this 435 antiaging mask meant to reduce wrinkles and appropriate for most orgies. laughter goops latest product taking the internet by storm is a candle entitled this smells like my vagina. audience reacts okay. Okay, i have questions. laughter and im not sure how to ask any of them, but lets start with whose . laughter gwyneths . Because ill buy the egg, but i just want to be friends. laughter this is the most talkedabout item put out by an oscar winner since jack lemmons this air freshener looks like my penis. laughter naturally jon hmm applause stephen yeah, jack Lemmon Jack Lemmon ironically, not lemonscented. piano riff naturally, this thing cost 75 and was immediately sold out. So until they restock, youll just have to settle for this candle smells like a pine trees ass. laughter but thats what i love about goopeth shes always thinking, shes always moving, shes never sitting still. Partly because sitting is tough with that many products up the ol goop chute. laughter thats why thats why netflix Just Announced a goopy new tv show, tweeting, Gwyneth Paltrow welcomes you to the goop lab i dont get why shes standing inside those concentric Cross Sections of a football. Thshow elores everhing thats too crazyheinrnet. What ha everyone gets off. What the bleep are you doing to people . What we try to do at goop is to explore ideas that may seem out there, or. Too scary. Stephen nothing scary about a thousand pins in your face. I saw this years ago in that popular wellness documentary, hellraiser. laughter welcome to the pit of endless torment. Help yourself to some cucumber water. laughter applause piano riff the goop lab will introduce us to the most groundbreaking scientifish wellness techniques. I had an exorcism. Oh, wow. I went through years of therapy in about five hours. I started to feel, like, a panic attack coming on. She knew something that my husband didnt even know. You want to talk about the vulva. Stephen okay. laughter for the record, thats not wellness therapy. Shes making candles. laughter cheers and applause jon oh, aaahhh eeaaahhh aaagghhh piano riff stephen point is, goop lab promises one thing this is dangerous. Its unregulated. Should i be scared . gasps were here one time, one life. How can we really milk the bleep out of this . Stephen now, if you cynics out there think the goop lab is some cash grab that exploits peoples fear of aging and sacrifices their safety to peddle pseudoscientific, newagey garbage. Wellspotted. laughter applause and daddy wants in jon ha ha oh, my piano riff stephen and thats where my own highend lifestyle brand, covetton house, comes in. We here at covetton are launching a new Television Show