cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight dow in the dumps. Plus, stephen welcomes John Turturro. Charlamagne tha god. And musical guest kaleo. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo cheers and applause welcome welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause piano riff thank you. Im glad youre all in a good mood because i, for one, am not panicking. laughter i have these burned. Then burn the person who burned them. laughter now, some people are panicking. Namely, wall street. In the first three days of this week, the dow lost 2,000 points, but last night, donald trump held a press conference to reassure investors, and today it bounced back by plunging almost 1,200 points, the largest single day drop in history. That must be so hard for the guys on wall street. Only aess to some sort of drugt them feel er laughter and then make them think they could start a band laughter see theres a new case in the United States, and this person tid not appear to have traveled to countries hit by the virus or been exposed to a known coronavirus patient. Okay. Well. Good to know. Excuse me for just a moment. rings bell plague plague a righteous cleansing to punish man for his vanity and lust swing your scythe, oh angry god repent repent repent repent laughter where was i . Yeah, the california case is officially americas first instance of community transmission, which means there is a good chance there already are people infected in this country and that the virus is circulating undetected. So, you only need to be concerned if youre in this country, and people. laughter there might be a lot more people infected than we know about because on trial runs in some states, the c. D. C. s coronavirus testing kits produced results that were inconclusive. Inconclusive is not good for a test this important thats why, when people want to find out if theyre pregnant, they dont pee on a magic 8 ball laughter lets see, it says, uh it says, uh honey, it says honey, it says pee again later. laughter piano riff of course, during any health scare, its important to stay away from dangerous transmission vectors mainly the internet, which is full of fake cures for coronavirus. One rumor claims that boiled garlic can cure the virus. Another suggests that you drink bleach. audience reacts i cant believe im saying this, but, dont drink bleach. laughter okay . Its bad for you, and it ruins the taste of the tidepods. laughter last night, at his press conference, trump said he doesnt think the stock market death spiral has anything to do with the coronavirus. I think the Financial Markets are very upset when they look at the Democratic Candidates standing on the stage making fools out of themselves. Stephen as trump yes, and the dark ages were not in any way affected by the black death. Vassals were just upset that edward iii was a socialist. Leechcare for all . Whos going to pay for it . The Knights Templar . Come on. laughter applause i dont understand any of the words i just said. Trumps biggest announcement last night was that the Coronavirus Response effort will be spearheaded by Vice President and man watching his wife flirt with the balloon animal maker, mike pence. laughter this is the greatest crisis of trumps presidency, and his First Response is, mike, youre up. laughter its just like that famous quote on Harry Trumans desk the bucks in mike pences Office Laughter but the Vice President does have experience with outbreaks. Specifically, making them worse. Because, when he was the governor of indiana, pences refusal to implement a Needle Exchange program led to the worst h. I. V. Outbreak in the states history. But, you know what they say. If at first you dont succeed, welcome to the trump administration. laughter cheers and applause piano riff the point of that press conference was not public health. As the Washington Post put it, officials at trumps Coronavirus Briefing focused on preventing the spread of criticism of trump. laughter yeah, and that is very contagious. Everyone i know has it. I might be patient zero. laughter cheers and applause got to be careful. Jon everybody i know has it right now. Stephen and this desire to prevent any criticism is what makes this next detail so disturbing. From now on, mike pence will control all coronavirus messaging from health officials. audience reacts and his first order is renaming the National Institutes of health, pray away the plague. laughter pence has got his work cut out for him. All over the world, coronavirus is having a huge impact on daily life. Here in the u. S. , a growing list of colleges are canceling or rerouting studyabroad programs because of the coronavirus. as parent sorry, devin. I know you were excited about italy, but you can study art history right here at the mall. You know, at spencers, they have posters where if you get real close and relax your eyes, you can see a sailboat laughter well, it doesnt work if youre crying. laughter devin is so upset hes crying in this reenactment. laughter coronavirus is even disrupting how people eat. Restaurants in china are going to extreme measures to protect customers. You are looking at the new normal for many fast food restaurants in china. Customers entering this kfc passing through the nowstandard temperature checks. Walking up to a giant screen, they either transfer their order from their smartphones, thus avoiding touching the surface, or they type it in. As soon as they step away, an employee swoops in to disinfect. Stephen ive got to say, if youre that concerned about your health, why are you eating at kfc . laughter cheers and applause so good. Jon what about popeyes . Stephen that would be like if, before driving into the canyon, thelma and louise had said, ohoh, seatbelts laughter these strict new precautions extend to take out food as well. This is what happens here. They leave it there. He tells me i can. I move in, pick up the food and head home to eat. And as soon as you get your food, youll notice on top of the receipt is this little card. It has two different types of readings on it. The temperature reading of the person who prepared your food, along with their name, and the name and temperature reading of the person who delivered your food. Stephen thats a little invasive. Okay, ill get a medium pie, half pepperoni, half green pepper, a two liter of coke and both the oral and rectal temperatures of everyone in your kitchen. Thanks ooh garlic knots. laughter jon oh, my goodness Stephen Proctor and gamble says products can be affected. Get ready to brush your teeth with a hygiene product still made in america. Jack daniels. cheers and applause stephen that will take the enamel right off your teeth. Some chinese ingredients affect even the most american of products. Cocacola could be in tight supply of artificial sweetener for diet and zerosugar drinks because of coronavirus. But diet coke is already adjusting their recipe to compensate for their lack of sweetener with this new product we all love the refreshing taste of diet coke, but the coronavirus cut off our supply of sweetener. So introducing new diet soak savory. Its all the things you love about diet coke minus that sugar riflbee we replace the sweetener with beef bullion. It may taste different but its still bubbly, still brown. Its the only diet soft drink that will make you say, oooh, mommy so let the experts worry about the pandemic and kick back with a cold, salty, diet coke. Diet coke savory. Its diet because you wont want to drink it. cheers and applause stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. John turturro is here. But when we come back, meanwhile cheers and applause band playing vo he had already taken the giving pledge to give his money to charity, when this californian walked away from his billion Dollar Company for good. He drives a chevy volt, flies commercial, and spends his days building grassroots campaigns for social and environmental justice. Why . Tom steyer believes every child deserves the same opportunities as his. A healthy planet. Good schools. Quality healthcare, living wage jobs, and life without fear of discrimination. Tom im tom steyer and i approve this message. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Please say hello to jon batiste and stay human over there please right over there cheers and applause yes. Jon, tonight, one of my favorite actors in the world is here. Were happy to have him tonight and had him before. John turturro. Perhaps youve heard of his work. Jon an amazing actor, hes in so many things. cheers and applause stephen now, folks, i spend a lot of time over there building my stateoftheart Recording Studio with shockmounted directional condenser mics then researching, writing, and editing my subjects, all to broadcast the critically acclhaismasdcd t poathit thas is my monologue. But, once in a while, i like to steal a prepaid nokia flip from a gas station, smash the keys to dial a random number, then scream into the receiver to leave the deranged voicemail of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause there you go. There you go. Good to know. Stephen meanwhile, in london, a brain surgery patient was filmed playing violin during her operation. Dagmar turner is an ardent violinist who needed a brain tumor removed. In order to avoid damaging her coordination, the surgeons asked her to play the violin while her brain was exposed. It was the most surgery during a musical performance since b. T. S. Treated fans to a midconcert group circumcision. laughter audience reacts stephen it would be fun. laughter shes expected to make a full recovery, and heres what it sounded like during the operationslashjam session. playing violin stephen mm, not to criticize, but her daytashay strokes lacked defin doesnt mean you drop your professionalism. Meanwhile, an adult film was shot at Santa Monica Public Library during business hours. How dare they libraries are not for making porn theyre for watching it. laughter meanwhile, dallas, texas has a new landmark, because when explosive charges were set off to demolish an 11story office building, they didnt quite get the whole thing. The failed demo shouldnt be a complete surprise, given the projects supervisor. laughter applause according to the people responsible, this was no ones fault, and nothing actually went wrong. As a member of the Demolition Team put it, the building fell the way it was supposed to fall. It happened to stop right there. laughter im glad this person is not a surgeon. The transplant went the way it was supposed to. We took out your current liver and happened to stop right there. laughter meanwhile, Research Shows that 39 of dating app users have swiped right because they wanted to meet the dog in someones profile more than they wanted t which is all well and good, until they get there and the dog looks nothing like its picture. laughter meanwhile, the Houston Astros cheating scandal continues to roil the sports world. Especially the baseball commissionertreiries title. Its gotten so bad that lebron james has now weighed in, tweeting listen here, baseball commissioner. Listen to your players speaking today about how disgusted, mad, hurt, broken, etcetera, etcetera, about this. You need to fix this for the sake of sports hastag justmythoughtscomingfroma sportsjunkieregardlessmyown sportiplay. That is an excellent point. laughter in fact, im going to tweet my support of lebron right now. What lebron said. Hashtag lebronneedstofixhishashtag gamebecauseitssupposedtob ecatchy,memorable,andshort, andsumupthegistofyourpoin t,notanentireparagraphthat restateseverythingyoujustsai d. cheers and applause piano riff meanwhile, mayonnaise. Its getting an upgrade, because a Japanese Company has invented convenient sliced mayonnaise. One flavored like tuna, and one flavored like spicy cod roe. That sounds delici. dry heave laughter what could be better than a nice firm slice of congealed mayon. dry heave laughter piano riff jon oh i dont like mayonnaise. Stephen i mean, who nose, it could be the perfect addition to your next b. L. dry heave jon give me some mustard. Stephen side note the company carefully phrases the description as a sheetlike condiment. Because legally, you cant call your condiment a sheet if the threadcount is under 150. laughter but lets not judge. Lets take a look at what a slice of mayonnaise looks like. Oh, god audience reacts this looks like food served by aliens wre i have prared your spagi i am so glad we are eating this instead of delicious human flesh. laughter piano riff i am so glad we are eating this instead of delicious human flesh. Eat eat until you are marbled. laughter meanwhile, abc is launching a bachelor spinoff for senior citizens. Hopefully with better results than the senior citizenedition of american ninja warrior. laughter well be right back with John Turturro. cheers and applause band playing if youre living with hiv, keep being you. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectabe can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening ff include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music its the rush of relaxation. Introducing the allnew lincoln corsair. When you have nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Try pepto liquicaps for fast relief and ultracoating. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Get powerful relief with pepto bismol liquicaps. Gfor kohls cash anniversary. Sale friday through sunday. Everyone gets 15 kohls cash for every 50 spent earn it on everything spend it on anything the more you spend the more kohls cash youll get this weekend. At kohls and kohls dot com. Land youll see its actuallyn made of countless imperfections. Those randomly and impulsively placed sesame seeds. That one slice of melty cheese at the bottom and another draped haphazardly over the 100 fresh beef patty cooked right when you order. True, the hottest, juiciest quarter pounder yet is not perfect. But when you put it all together, ha ha its perfect made perfecter. Ba da ba ba ba mis the nations oldest blackowned design and construction firm. Before mike, we were desperate. There were not a lot of opportunities for blackowned businesses c. Mike saw that and he leveled the Playing Field for blackowned businesses. Over the years, we have heard a lot of talk. But mike came in, and he actually did something about it. And thats how mike will get it done as president. Im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody, welcome back ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an Emmy Awardwinning actor who played Jesus Quintana in the big lebowski. He has now written, directed, and stars in a spinoff, the jesus rolls. Please welcome back to the late show, John Turturro cheers and applause band playing its good to travel with gloves. I got leather. Stephen youre either trying to be hygienic or youre going to challenge me to a due laughter nice to see you again. How are you . Im good. Stephen everyone is excited because the jesus is back. Yes, he is back, yeah. Stephen the movie is out tomorrow, which is your birthday. Yes. Stephen . Like a gift to yourself . I dont know, but ill take it. Id rather be on the fouryear plan when it gets to a certain year on your birthday. Stephen every four years you celebrate it . Like the olympics or the president ial either one, sure. Stephen youve played so many iconic characters. Why do you think the jesus grips people so much . Its the philosophy of the big lebowski because its about classic underachievers. This movie celebrates that, people who live in the moment. I was only in it for five minutes, but maybe it was the jump suit or the hair net, i dont know, the dancing. Stephen its licking the bowling ball. Did anyone ever ask you to lick their balls . When i did the big lebowski, i got a lot of mail from men and women and prisoners, and people would say, wow, i want to do something to you in that jump suit, you know, i want to get inside that jump suit. And i would be, like, i was a little frightened sometimes. Stephen wow, no such thing as bad publicity, though. No. Stephen in this movie, your character, the jesus has a threeway with bobby canavali and susa susan sarandon. Whats bobby like in the sack because i asked rose and she wouldnt tell me. Hes a little shy. Stephen hes not a tiger . He didnt want to share sometimes. I love bobby, you know. Bobby is really funny, but he was a little nervous. Stephen he was in this clip. Whats happening . I dont know, what is the oh, thowling ally, okay. Wing laughter well, you know, im trying to be loose about it. Stephen of course. Well, im in a bowling ally and i try to pick up a girl in a bowling ally, and it goes from there. Stephen okay. Jim . Whoo singing whoo cheers and applause stephen i have two reactions to that. I have two reactions. The jesus still has the moves, and the second is i go to the wrong bowling ally because iv