Were still getting the satellite. We need 30 seconds. Stephen okay, ill just take a nap then this sort of thing never happened at the ed sullivan theater. I wish i was there again. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen sleeping or is he weak . Plus stephen welcomes Thandie Newton, and ina garten. With a special appearance by john mulaney, featuring jon battiste and stay human. And now life from his own subconscious, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody, thank you, thank you so much, please, please have a seat. Ladies and gentlemen, everybody, in here, out there, all around the world. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause . Stephen hold on a second. There you go. Folks, as you can see, i am coming to once again from the beautiful ed sullivan theater here in midtown manhattan. And i can do that because a tod, may 1, the federal stayathome order has been lifted an lift and since were governed by the federal communications commission, im pretty sure thats olly olly oxen free. Of course, im playing it safe by being a cartoon, which is the ultimate mask. Great to see you again, jon. piano riff jon great to see you, too, stephen. How do i sound . You. Stephen look fantastic. You sound amazing. I am so glad to be here, since lockdown i have been dreaming about doing the show from the ed sullivan. Wait a minute. Maybe this is just a dream. Hold on, let me check. Nope. Not waking up. This must be real life. piano riff jon its real, stephen, and im staying human. Thats some smokin squid right there piano riff stephen moving on to something slightly more cartoonish, donald trump. Trumps poll numbers are going down the tweeting throne because he so fragrantly shanked the response to the coronavirus. For example, his series of disastrous press conferences, in which he suggested, among other things, that people somehow put bleach in their bodes. Oh, lets give that a try, okay, thats a little too much. Lets fix that. There you go. So, to continue his perfect record for never taking responsibility for anything, trump has started a Public Campaign to blame china for the pandemic. as trump i want to see the virus longform birth certificate. I have a feeling its from china, which many are calling the kenya of asia. specifically, trump has pressured the Intelligence Community for evidence to support an unsubstantiated theory that a Government Laboratory in wuhan was the origin of the coronavirus outbreak. Ive seen that theory, too, from my source on the internet, who assures me, ermahgerd, cerernervehrus came from a wuhern lerb but yesterday, the director of National Intelligence released a statement saying, the Intelligence Community concurs with the wide Scientific Consensus that the covid19 virus was not manmade or genetically modified. Oh, not genetically modified. So its better for you than corn . Scientific consensus is that covid 19 began as a bat virus. No word yet on how it spread to humans, but scientists think the likely culprit was this man. I had sex with a bat. Upside down. It was pretty hot. Yesterday, trump said he believed the wuhan Lab Conspiracy theory, and then reporters pressed him on why he believed that. Stephen my question is have you seen anything at this point that gives you a high degree of confidence that the Wuhan Institute of virology was the source . Yes, i have. Yes, i have. Stephen yes, he has. Trump looked at the virus under a microscope and saw it was clearly made in china. The reporter pressed him further. What gives you a high degree of confidence that this originated from the Wuhan Institute of virology . I cant tell you that. Im not allowed to tell you that. Stephen as trump i could tell you, but then id have to kill you. Probably with the virus im not taking seriously. And what do you mean, youre not allowed to . Youre the president. Anything you say is instantly declassified. as trump look, id love to tell you, but my boss would kill me. Again, with the virus im not taking seriously. Trump made these comments at an event about protecting seniors, a group hes not sure he belongs to. This afternoon, ill sign a proclamation declaring the month of may to be Older Americans month. I dont know if im in that category. I have a feeling i am. But i feel good. Stephen the im pretty sure being confused about whether you belong in the Older Americans category means you belong in the Older Americans category. Trump also weighed in on the character of his old pal general michael flynn. I think he is a fine man. I think he has got a great family. He loves his son. I will tell you, his son was around a lot, and he loves his son, as people generally do. Stephen as trump people generally love their sons but, of course, there is an eric to every rule. Trump desperately misses his rallies. So on sunday, hes planning what he hopes is the next best thing. A twohour event on emerging from the coronavirus pandemic live from the lincoln memorial. I cant think of anything more appropriate than standing in front of lincoln memory although saying, states can do whatever they want. Its up toem. Ts why da man frozen in stone, indoors, sitting in a chair for all eternity. We havent heard a lot from the Presumptive Democratic nominee and National Tooth preserve, joe biden. He has been silent about the Sexual Assault charges made by tara reade. He told want associated press, when she worked fored by nen 1993, he rubbed her shoulders and neck and played with her hair. Now, that would be wrong even if he were her hairdresser, unless he worked at super uncomfortable cut. But in a recent podcast, reade took the allegations further, saying, he did something really bad, something im not allowed to say on cbs. How do i do this . A little help, please. Grab them by the pussy. Stephen yes, what he said and did. Parts of reades story have been corroborated by her brother, a former coworker, and a former neighbor who all saiheld them about it at the time. And a newly resurfaced video apeers to show reades mother calling in to larry king live to seek advice. You know is ug for won whenheir best option wall l. It was either, that the butterball hot line or being call number 10 on wyyy in the morning with wally and the snooch. Whats the phrase that makes abusers pay. Thats a quick trik one i dont want to work i just want to bang on the drum all day today the former Vice President finally addressed the charge and mika mornin drove straight at it. Would you go on the record with the American People . Did you sexually assault tara reade. No, its not true. Im saying unequivocally tnever, never happened, and it didnt, never happened. Stephen there it is. Complete denial. And furthermore he dsntmember t ont remember any type of complaint she may have made. It was 27 years ago. I dont remember, nor does anyone else that im aware of. The fact is that that i dont remember. I dont remember any complaint ever been made. Stephen so he doesnt remember anything, though research does show there is memory loss associated with decades of huffing hair. Mika pushed biden, asking if he could promise her he never had a Sexual Assault complaint. And he did not hesitate to equivocate. I am absolutely positive that no one that i am aware of ever was been made aware of any complaint, a formal complaint made by, or complaint by tara reade against me at the time this allegedly happened 27 years ago or until the i announced for pres well, i guess it was in april or may of this year. I know of no one who is a that any complaint was made. Stephen thats a lot of qualifications. as joe biden look, look, im not aware that i am aware of anybody being aware of any persons knowing that anyone was aware of a complaint to my awareness, listen, jack, i dont care where youre aware, as long youre not a werewolf. Whats the question . Trump was asked about the biden case yesterday, and he was unhelpfully sympathetic. You know, it could be false accusations. I know all about false accusations. I have been falsely charged numerous times. Stephen as trump look, ill make joe a deal. Ill say that he was falsely accused this one time, as long as he agrees that i was falsely accused 21 times. Tell you what let me sweeten the deal. Even if he loses in november. I promise to make him a Supreme Court justice. Nobody tell him what boofing is. Like many of these cases, its hard to know exactly what happened after so many years. And a lot of people have compared this to accusations of Christine Blasey ford against brett kavanaugh. And thats legitimate. And while both accusations should be taken seriously, there is at least one difference a nominee to the Supreme Court goes through a process of investigation by the f. B. I. Then confirmation by the senate. Then the senators judge. But for the presidency, theres only you, the voters. Youre the jury. And you are ready to be a jury, because youre already sequestered. Weve got a great show for you tonight. From hboh,s west world Thandie Newton is here. But when we return, proof that the president watch my show. Hi, in president. Lets be honest. Quitting smoking is hard. So tryaking itmall, e sed at how easily starting small can lead to something big. Start stopping with nicorette. Starting small can lead to something big. What did verizon build their network for . People. And when people are depending on you to make an average of over 600 million calls and send nearly 8 billion texts every day. You do whatever it takes. Theand we want to thank times, the Extraordinary People in the healthcare community, working to care for all of us. At novartis, we promise to do our part. As always, were doing everything we can to help keep cosentyx accessible and affordable. If you have any questions at all, call us, email us, visit us online. Were here to help support you when you need us. Take care, and be well. To learn more, call one eight four four cosentyx or visit cosentyx. Com can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. snoring stephen oh, hey. I just had the weirdest dream. I was fully clothed. Anyway, welcome back. Folks, if you watch the show every night and i hope you do you know that last night, my guest was new york senator chuck schumer, seen here trying to remember the last place he saw his glasses. Well, you know who else watched him on the late show . Donald trump. Today, he talked about it on the radio show of conservative commentator and living can of protein powder, dan bongino. And spoiler the president wasnt impressed with schumer. Stephen oh, my god donald trump watched my interview mr. Idei know you may no havnator schumer, but you should check out my monologue. I say your name a lot. Youre kind of the star in that, youre slowly expanding to destroy all of us. Who am i kidding . He wasnt thrilled with me, either. Stephen mr. President , i have some terrible news. And its not that johnnys dead. Its that he thought you were a joke, too. Dont worry about gennifer flowers. She got fired. But she got a new job today as a donald trump backup mistress. Stephen hello also, ill tell you how i make money. I dont bankrupt my casinos. Now, of course, im in the meat in a twitter fight sandwich, because trump also tweeted about it and schumer responded ybe hellesomethng. I do have a lot toesidename, i r well be right back with a special Community Calendar with our friend john mulaney. vo at sprint, we understand saving money for your family is now more important than ever. Thats why were offering our best unlimited deal. Switch and get four lines of unlimited for just 100 a month. Thats right four lines, for 100 bucks if thats not enough, to really amp this up, were including four amazing iphone 11s, on us, when you trade in iphone 6ss or newer, in any condition. And now, sprint customers enjoy expanded roaming access on the tmobile network. Shop from the comfort of your home at sprint. Com or come see us in our stores. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Working on the front lines, and heres one small way that you can help them in return. Y. Fospals,ni,i worand emergency servicess, across the country. An accurate count helps Public Health officials know who is at risk, and First Responders identify the resources they need to protect our communities. Complete your census at 2020census. Gov and help shape our future. Complete your census at 2020census. Gov its interesting what happens when you treat every little piece of a thing. Like its not just one thing. But everything. Because when each part does everything better than ever. Imagine what you can do with the sum of those parts. The new dell xps 10th gen intel bong stephen welcome back, everybody. One of my favorite segments we do on the late show is something called Community Calendar, where a celebrity guest and i highlight actual Upcoming Events happening in a small town they happen to be from. Events like poetry readings, local battles of the bands, deepfried testicle festivals you know, the heartland. Well, i want to do it again, but, of course, right now, all those local events have been. Cancelled. However, resourcef people. Across the country have now been holding the same sorts of incredible events online, because were now all living in the same small town knownas the internet. Here to help me discuss some of the best Online Events, a man who is currently online himself, john mulaney hello, Stephen Stephen thank you for being here, john. Are you ready to highlight some real upcoming Online Events . I have literally nothing else going on right now stephen great then its time for community. Calendar internet Edition Phone dialing modem connecting stephen welcome to Community Calendar, your source for everything happening on the web that isnt porn. John, do you enjoy the internet . I sure do its perfect for when i want to feel bad about myself. Stephen well, lets show people some real upcoming Online Events they can attend. First up, are you a book lover looking for a sense of community . Then check out the quarantined pages project using the hashtag readingaparttogether. Every day they are hosting a onehour silent reading session on zoom. Its the perfect event for anyone who wants to be silently ignored, but does not have a cat. Then, for all you cooks out there, on saturday, may 2, sacramentos scratchmade life is hosting sausage making, online. Its like the saying goes you dont want to knothts made because its so fun and youll just want to do it all the time stephen every wednesday, staten islands frank d. Paulo Intermediate School is hosting the masked singer at paulo, where middle School Teachers perform in masks, while students try to guess who they are. Its perfect for any teacher who likes working from home but misses getting made fun of by students. So, please tune in to see who is behind mister charmin. Then quickly log off before you see him reuse that toilet paper. The check out explore. Orgs webcam of the aroara borealis. See why scientists call the Northern Lights natures screen saver. And this saturday, may 2, little rocks Club Nevermore will host cabin fever, an Online Dance Party featuring four showers of goth industrial tacks. Plus goghtd gossip in our chat room. Goth gossip, by the way, is what they originally called obituaries. Stephen, do you want to hear some hot goth gossip . You know jack racen the bassist. I saw him smiling and wearing pastels. Stephen get out yes and guess where he was . Stephen bed, bath and beyond . No. Buildabear workshop stephen wait. What were you doing there . I like to take my nephew there and then not buy him anything so he gets upset. Stephen thats awful. Thank you. Stephen on may 12, the United States office of Personnel Management will host a webinar on preparing a resume for federal jobs. Learn helpful tips like if you want to head up a Coronovirus Task force, under. Relevant experience put married to the president s daughter. Tuesday, may 5, join allentowns forward thinking fitness on zoom for free kids superhero training an interactive Training Session for kids that features superheroes such as batman, wonder woman, captain america, spiderman, bat girl, and many more so come for the workout and stay to see d. C. And marvel team up to sue a local gym stephen want to exercise from home but also enjoy drinking . Then sign up for a virtual drunk yoga class. Start the session in downwardfacing dog, and end the night in downwardfacing toilet bowl. But theres more. Every friday at 8 00 p. M. , jersey citys art House Productions presents virtual drag bingo hosted by harmonica. Sunbeam. I cant wait to tune in and find out what her drag name is. Stephen every night at 7 00 central on facebook live, you can check out quarantine quarterhour a daily variety show brought to you by a farm somewhere near nashville. It features live music, magic tricks, and occasional relationship advice. That advice . Dont date a musical magician who lives on a farm. Well, comma, that does it for this edition of