Well investigate, track it down and determine the best way to remove it. Whether its baiting, glue board, or humane catch and release, well send that unwanted pest packing. So, call second terminix today. When you got a pres who wont concede, second terminix is what you need but first you gotta vote announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, the art of the steal. Plus stephen welcomes congresswoman katie porter, and tony romo, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome to a late show, im Stephen Colbert. You know youre going through a bit of a dark patch in your nations history when the president not endorsing the peaceful transition of power is the feelgood story of the day. Because, last night, all across the country, thousands of americans took to the streets to protest yesterdays decision out of louisville that in the end, no officers would be charged for the killing of Breonna Taylor. Even before the protests started, authorities knew this wouldnt go over well. Because a whole day before the announcement, Louisville Police declared a state of emergency. So they knew ahead of time. What tipped them off that justice wouldnt be served for a black american . They must have a source somewhere in the last 500 years. People were upset all over the country. Music legend Stevie Wonder helped process the feelings you say youre sick and tired of us protesting. I say, not tired enough to make a change. You say you believe that all lives matter. Ha i say i dont believe the bleep you do. Stephen that is an intense carpool karaoke. Looks like stevies ready to release a new single i just called to say, go bleep yourself. Still sounds beautiful when he does it, though. People everywhere want answers which theyre not going to get from trump. Here he is with reporters yesterday after the ruling. Mr. President one more question about Breonna Taylor if i can. So, ill be back. Im going to see you tomorrow. A big day. Mr. President if you can just one more question on Breonna Taylor. scuse me. scuse me. Were at a time right now where americans feel like whos the caller . Say it . We are on this carousel whos the caller . I have a big call. A very big call. Stephen as trump sorry, gotta go, i have a big call. Brring, brrring hello . Its ivana. Ivana get out of here before you ask me another question about Breonna Taylor. This decision yet again undermines Many Americans faith in our system of government. And clearly, trump is jealous because thats kinda his thing. Case in point, we just found out the Trump Campaign is actively discussing radical measures to bypass the election results. Okay, thats chilling. You dont want to hear the words radical or bypass connected to your heart, or your democracy. But, according to a Trump CampaignLegal Advisor, if trump loses the election, his campaign is considering asking legislators in battleground states where the republicans have a legislative majority to bypass the states popular vote and to choose electors loyal to the g. O. P. And the sitting president. Well, like lincoln said at gettysburg, a government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from this earth. Unless i lose. In which case, im king now. Bow before lincoln what i dont get is why they would tell us. Are they trying to raise the idea now, so it seems less shocking when they bring it up for real . Hey, honey, wouldnt it be so random if we had a threesome . Super weird, right . Hey, why dont we have your friend doris over anymore . laughter a little laughter from my wife over there. Wouldnt that be crazy . Wouldnt that be so weird, hon . So weird do you ever see doris anymore . No. Stephen okay. laughter when we wrote that joke, by the way, i did not think you would be in that chair. laughter stephen trumps plan hinges on delegitimizing mailin and provisional ballots and any other votes that are not counted by the end of election day. Trump doesnt trust anything that comes in the mail, unless its a bride. as trump you gotta remember to poke the airholes though. Thats how i lost ivana two. One trump Legal Advisor explained the push for new electors would be framed in terms of protecting the peoples will and that state legislatures should say, weve been given this constitutional power. We dont think the results of our own state are accurate, so heres our slate of electors that we think properly reflect the results of our state. Trumps like americas gaslighting boyfriend. Pennsylvania, sweetie, youre confused. Youre so emotional, i think you filled out all these ballots and forgot to put my name. Lets throw these away and watch a movie on netflix, okay . You get to pick its goodfellas. now, this is, whats the word, bleep balls crazy. For over 244 years, weve always had a peaceful transition of power following elections. Its kind of the thing that makes us, us. But when asked about keeping with this tradition, trump firmly committed to nothing. Will you commit to making sure there is a peaceful transfer of power after the election . Well were gonna have to see what happens. Stephen so, the president of the United States wont commit to leaving office if he loses the election. Ah, youll have to excuse me. I think i left the stove on in new zealand, and id like to stick my head in it. Im kidding, of course. New zealand wont let our planes land there. When pressed on the issue, trump did not back down. I understand that, but people are rioting. Do you commit to making sure theres a peaceful transfer of power . I know. Nope. Get rid of the ballots and youll have a very peaceful, there wont be a transfer frankly. Therell be a continuation. Stephen what . What do you mean . You cant get rid of the ballots you cant get rid of the ballots an election without ballots is just a bunch of adults who took off work on tuesday because they liked stickers. Of course, refusing a peaceful transition implies a violent transition. I dont want that. I majored in theatre. The only fighting experience i have is stage combat. I do have a black belt in pretending to punch you. Trumps threats to disregard the results of the election alarmed top democrats, who swiftly unleashed their most powerful weapon stern tweeting. Chuck schumer posted, President Trump you are not a dictator and america will not permit you to be one. Okay, i understand the sentiment, but dictators dont generally ask permission. Otherwise, germans in 1933 would have received this letter german accent dear citizen, the new chancellor seeks permission to burn down the reichstag. Please sign this slip and return it so we can throw it in the fire. P. S. We also need chaperones for der spring fling. Der spring fling. Der spring fling. We also got a response from joe biden could you talk a little bit about President Trumps comments today that he did not commit to a peaceful transfer of power if he loses the election . What country are we in . Im being facetious. Stephen okay, i know youre being facetious, but if your opponents main line of attack is that youre losin it, maybe dont start with, what country are we in . as biden what country are we in . Where am i . I smell toast but i actually liked joes honest reaction i said, what country are we in . Look, he says the most irrational things. I dont know what to say to that. But its not surprising. Stephen true. Its not surprising. Because and im not putting it past trump to barricade the white house gates, and put eric in a baby bjorn and use him as a human shield, but what he really wants is to undermine your faith in the election. So youll go whats the point of voting . The point is you vote, he goes. Regardless of what he tries. We just need to bury him under a mountain of votes. Because hell try anything. Hes already planning on fighting it all the way to the Supreme Court. He admitted that this week when he said when hed be announcing his nominee. I think this is very important. I think this will end up in the Supreme Court and i think its very important that we have nine justices. Stephen he thinks theyll be on his side. If he appointed them. Id like to hear the job interview. as trump im considering you for a lifetime appointment to one of the most powerful positions in america, but id like you to do us a favor, though. In a related story, trump visited the Supreme Court, where Ruth Bader Ginsburg was lying in repose. Now, he did wear a mask, which is good. Protects people around him from seeing his face. But, unfortunately, the crowd still recognized him. See if you can spot the exact moment they noticed he was there. booing vote him out vote him out vote him out stephen once again, ginsburg delivering a fiery dissent. Now, republicans get outraged when you say that all their entire political strategy is voter suppression. They get even more outraged when you stop them. Take florida. In 2018, florida voters overwhelming approved amendment four, which restored Voting Rights to felons who had completed their sentences. Makes sense. Pay your debt to society, you get to vote. But the Republicancontrolled Legislature and governor then passed a law denying those rights to anyone who still owed money for old fines. Denying them a fundamental democratic right because they owe a fine is pretty severe. Thats like having an Overdue Library book so the librarian neuters you. Ironically, the book was a separate piece. Enter former new york mayor, and lawn gnome whose hat was just taken by a squirrel, mike bloomberg. Bloomberg helped raise more than 20 million so that felons who completed their prison sentences can vote in the president ial election, thereby reenfranchising about 31,000 people. Hell yeah, weve got a rich guy on our side hes making it rain democracy check his couch cushions maybe we can bail out the post Office Bloomberg didnt do it alone. Other donors included, john legend, michael jordan, and lebron james. In fact, bloomberg made the announcement with lebron. as bloomberg thank you, mr. King james. Now i would like to tomahawk dunk using this walnut. Hiiiyah. laughter stephen seriously, thank you for doing that, mayor. So 31,000 more floridians are going to be able to vote this election. Youd imagine their democraticallyelected officials would be thrilled. Youd be wrong. Enter Florida Attorney general, and woman watching a bag of puppies being lowered into the river, ashley moody. Yesterday, moody sent letters to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement and the f. B. I. , asking them to review allegations that bloomberg and the Florida Rights Restoration Coalition had violated the law by offering incentives for voting. Ill give you an incentive to vote if you dont, the president says hes going to steal the election. F. B. I. , you might want to look into that. Weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are california representative katie porter and Dallas Cowboys great tony romo. But when we return, meanwhile stick around. Imagine the places well go. Together. Expedia knowinits hard. Re is hard. Eliminate who you are not first, and youre going to find yourself where you need to be. The race is never over. The journey has no port. The adventure never ends, because we are always on the way. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. You make my heart sing wild thing i. Think i. You know what i think . I think you owe us 48. 50. Wild thing. If you ride, you get it. Geico motorcycle. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Your shoulder seems to be healing nicely. Well, dr. Farrell, it feels really good. Thats good. And. Im sorry. Baby, dont touch that. I dont want you to play with that. singing twinkle, twinkle little star. How i wonder what you are. still singing up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky. Im so glad that your shoulder is feeling better. But, how are you doing . Im hanging in there. Schedule a video visit with your doctor. And get quality care with no copay. Kaiser permanente. Thrive. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Lets say hello to our friend jon batiste. Jon, its good to see you. Jon its always good to be seen and good to see you. Stephen a lot of people get to see you this weekend because youre doing farm aid, right . Tell me about the concert. Jon farm aid started by willie nelson, john mellencamp, neil young. What theyre doing sin credible, helping the countrys first farmers, indigenous people, black farmers keep their land and battle against the Corporate Power structure, that is trying to change to course of how we eat and live. Stephen does your family have a farm, john . Jon my family goes back seven generations of farmers in clayton county, georgia, and eventually new orleans. And my grandfather was the first nonfarmer. He moved from lafayette, louisiana, to new orleans. Stephen sucked in by the allure of the big city. Jon yeah, you know, the big city of new orleans, and the music is something. Thats how we got the music going. Stephen well, do you have any farm music for us . Jon oh, yeah. Stephen can we get a little preview for the weekend . Jon he taught me this lick, actually. This is one of the first licks its like zydeco farmers, they have accordians on the farm. Lafayette, the home of clifton, zydeco country, baby. Stephen latch a couple of accordions to the plow and off you go. laughter jon yeah, thats how you gotta go do it. Thats it. Stephen thanks, jon. Jon batiste, everybody. Jon much love. Stephen you know, folks, most to have the time, i love to collect all my most precious news mementos of the day; the most topical crystal vases, faberge eggs, and handturned bowls to put on display for you in the fine oak hutch cabinet, with accented downlighting, that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to gather up some busted old baby strollers, blood stained suits, and hairless doll heads, and shove em into the dusty and terrifying crawlspace of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, due to the ongoing pandemic, the new years eve ball drop in times square will be virtual this year. Oh, no, now i cant go to times square on new years eve like i will never do. A times square spokesman said one thing that will never change is the ticking of time and the arrival of a new year at midnight on december 31. Thanks for the pep talk, buddy. He added, age laps at our heels like a hungering wolf, times thirst cannot be slaked, we are all born astride a grave. Happy new year. Quarantinewhile, the makers of the gundam anime tv series have just unveiled this lifesized, 59foot, 25ton, moving gundam at their factory in yokohama japan. That is an amazing feat of technology, a huge draw for the fans, and this being japan someones definitely gonna have sex with it. Whats even more amazing is this buildingsized robot even has the ability to kneel. In response, the n. F. L. Has built a fivestory chiefs fan to scream at the gundam for disrespecting the flag. Quarantinewhile, the wwe has announced a new line of wines featuring the ultimate warrior, and the undertaker. And if you pound enough wwe wine, you get a chance to meet the undertaker. According to the press release the takerthemed wine is a limited Edition Cabernet sauvignon, and the warriorthemed wine is a zinfandel. Mmm. Mmm. Im getting notes of folding chair and spandex crotchsweat. Mmmmm. Quarantinewhile, tuesday marked 60 years to the day that a man has kept Richard Nixons halfeaten sandwich which he keeps in this jar. Sounds a little odd but theres a fun story behind it. Steve jenny was a boy scout in illinois when then president nixon stopped by a cookout at a local park. Nixon took a couple of bites of a sandwich, said it was good, and then left. Which is when jenne i want to say sprang . Into action. Once he left, i just looked down at the picnic table and everybody else was gone, and that halfeaten sandwich was still on the paper plate. I picked it up and hopped on my bicycle and sped home and ran in the door, i said, mom, ive got a sandwich that nixon took a couple of bites out of. Stephen truly, these are the moments in history that make one pause and say, all right. laughter of course, theres only one way to be sure this is really Richard Nixons sandwich. Scientists must test the sandwich for nixons d. N. A. , then obviously, once they have the dna, they have to clone Richard Nixon and make him fight that gundam robot. laughter quarantinewhile, a poll of 1,000 smartphone users found that 40 of americans would give up their dog for a month to keep their smartphone. Sounds heartless, until you realize 100 of dogs would give up their owner forever for half a ritz cracker. Well be right back with congresswoman katie porter. You know benny would just turn us in. Unitedhealthcare medicare plans offer more. Like the visit a doctor anywhere our rv takes us plan. And the zero copays means more money for rumba lessons plan. Find the right plan for you from unitedhealthcare. Get medicare with more. Find the right plan for you from unitedhealthcare. 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