Family. Marry an heiress. Have your father make a huge donation to the Ivy League School you want to attend. Ask the country of qatar to bail out your real estate mistakes. Befriend a murderous saudi prince. And model your look after slender man. Its that easy just listen to this satisfied customer bleep that guy. Another success story. So order Jared Kushners get black on your feet today, and inherit the future you deserve seriously, bleep that guy. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight plus, stephen welcomes dr. Sanjay gupta and comedian sarah cooper featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hollow, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to a late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks, the 2020 election is one week away. Mark your calendars, and then get a better calendar. It should be on there already. On november 3, i will have a live Election Night special on showtime. And, yes, because it is pay cable, im willing to do full nudity as long as it is tasteful, in keeping with my character, and forwards the plot of the results from pennsylvania which i hear is going to be a close shave, which i will also need before the full nudity. So far, biden is ahead in the polls and in the early voting. And, apparently, the secret to bidens lead is that people find him likable. Okay, so, people like biden because hes likable. Fascinating. Though, to be fair, anyone can seem likable next to donald trump. Well, almost anyone. But the biggest news in the election is the coronavirus, and things are only getting plagueier. And ill tell you all about in tonights edition of catch a third wave endless bummer. Im rounding the turn, dude stephen i just keep talking and he stays there . Okay. In the past week i wasnt sure the u. S. Averaged over 70,000 new cases a day, the most in any sevenday stretch in the pandemic. Its especially bad in swing states. New infections are raging in wisconsin. Things are so bad that wisconsin it has changed its state motto from forward to stay back trumps pandemic Approval Rating in the badger state has dropped from 51 in march to 41 in october. Even more. Polls have found that holding rallies in defiance of Coronavirus Health recommendations has fueled voters disapproval of his handing of the pandemic. Apparently, voters are not responding to his campaigns closing message let the maskless man spit on you its a clear message. The virus surge could have a big effect on trump voters. So far, 66 Million People have voted early. In fact, projections indicate the majority of ballots will be cast before election day for the first time in history. As ben franklin so wisely put it, early to bed and early to vote, get him out of the white house before he digs a moat. Most of the early voting has gone to the democrats, and on the other side, trump has spent months warning his supporters against voting by mail, so the g. O. P. Is essentially betting all of its chips on a strong election day. Hes taking all of his chips and putting it all on black. People not voting. But they have already in massive numbers. And the disparity in early voting means that trump needs a huge turnout on election day in the middle of a surging pandemic. Its the last act of trumps death cult. as trump all right, children of maga, put on your nikes, fill your thermos with koolaid, and go vote. Then i promise, we all board the spaceships to the comet. Herman cain, well see you soon. Now, biden is getting a boost from one of his former rivals billionaire mike bloomberg, seen here in fun size for halloween. Bloomberg has been paying for probiden ads in florida, and this week, bloomberg will be funding a lastminute ad blitz in ohio and texas. Hell be reaching out to texas voters with his trademark texas style. as bloomberg howdy and hello, fellow cowpokes. As you can see from this powerpoint, your Texas Longhorn steers are a wonderful source of pastrami. Next slide. Last night at the white house, they held a confirmation of everything we have ever thought about them. For more on this story, we go now live to the inevitability desk. Stephen welcome to the inevitability desk. I am and was always going to be Stephen Colbert. Huge day for the inevitable we can project water is wet, death comes for us all, and last night, judge Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed 52 to 48, which means donald trump now has as Many Supreme Court appointments as hes had wives. And unlike trump wife, these positions last a lifetime. This has been the inevitability desk. Back to me, steve. Thank you, stephen. Now, not everything about barretts confirmation had to happen the way it happened. Because after the senate vote, barrett went to the white house for a hastily throwntogether swearingin ceremony and baldly political photoop with President Trump. Which is not normal a member of the Supreme Court hasnt behaved so inappropriately since Justice Kennedy appeared on the bench wearing a tshirt that read its not a gavel. Its a chick hammer. Amy Coney Barrett joining the court could let conservatives limit voting in the election. But on the bright side, theyre doing it already, because yesterday, along ideological lines, the Supreme Court rejected a request to extend wisconsins deadline for counting mailin ballots, a decision which could disenfranchise up to 100,000 voters. Or as the conservative justices called it, a good start. Vintage lawyer joke slam stephen this was a dumb ruling during a pandemic, when Many Americans are voting by mail to stay safe. But the dumbest part came from Supreme CourtJustice Kavanaugh, seen here arguing the case of brett v. Bartender who cut him off. Kavanaugh ruled against letting all the votes be counted, citing the Supreme Courts decision to arbitrarily cut off voting and hand the white house to a republican in 2000s bush v. Gore. That case is the worst thing to come out of 2000 and a lot of bad things happened that year. We still never got to the bottom of who let the dogs out. Reopen the cold case apparently, Justice Kavanaugh has graduated did you like that joke over there . Did you like that one . I did, too. I did, too. Apparently, Justice Kavanaugh has graduated from local microbrews to huffing paint thinner, because in bush v. Gore, that court specifically said our consideration is limited to the present circumstances, which means this ruling could not function as a precedent. Well, i guess its too much to expect Brett Kavanaugh to listen to someone saying stop, dont do this. In his opinion, kavanaugh wrote that states who try to count ballots that arrive after election day could be hit with chaos and suspicions of impropriety. Hey, brett, have you looked out the window . Chaos and impropriety is the 2020 prom theme. Three weeks ago, some pretend militia yahoos plotted to kidnap the governor of michigan, and were like oh, yeah, that happened. One person who wasnt having any of kavanaughs argument was Justice Elena kagan, seen here imagining a 13member Supreme Court. In her dissent, kagan wrote, Justice Kavanaugh alleges that suspicions of impropriety will result if absentee ballots flow in after election day and potentially flip the results of an election, but there are no results to flip until all valid votes are counted. Exactly if we dont count all the votes, were not declaring a winner. Were just saying whos ahead at midnight. Theres a reason you never hear a baseball announcer say, bottom of the eighth, bases loaded, all tied up, tampa bay 3, los angeles 3. Its a hit a long fly ball, and lets call it there, folks. We are willing to project the dodgers gave me my job. So they win. Hey, wisconsinites, looks like Brett Kavanaugh doesnt want your mailin vote to be counted. In madison or milwaukee or oconomowok or waukesha or oshkosh, bgosh. So make your voice heard. Drop your ballot off in person. To learn how, visit our site, betterknowaballot. Com wi. Which, of course, stands for wih the people. Speaking of votes, the candidates are out there on the are trying to get some. Today trump was in michigan for one of his super spreader rallies. Jeremy, President Trump has to hope the blue wall isnt rebuilt along the great lakes. Is that behind his travel plans today . Yeah, theres no question, brianna. First of all, excuse the volume levels here. Weve got ted nugent on guitar in the back here playing a rendition of the national anthem. But as for the president s campaign schedule, he will be traveling to three key states today. Hes gonna be here in michigan. Stephen i cant believe cnn put that on air as analysis of whats happening. And i cant believe how perfect it is as an analysis of what is happening because i think that clip captures exactly the inside of our skulls right now. Were all trying to figure out whats going on, maybe listen to that quiet voice telling us the right thing to do, but donald trump is trying to drown all that out with cat scratch fever. After his nonstop rally schedule, you can tell trumps getting pretty tired. To get him onstage in michigan, they evidentially had to lure him there with a honeyglazed podium. What the hell was going on . Was was rudy his opening act . The last week of the campaign is traditionally when candidates crisscross the country, making their closing arguments to american voters. And today, these two candidates struck slightly different tones. Biden gave a speech in georgia in a place called warm springs, which is also how you could describe trumps mattress in that Russian Hotel room. One more for old times sake . Stephen while trump was in lansing, michigan, lets hear their competing visions for this historic american moment. Over 225,000 people have lost their lives to a virus, many in the cruelest way possible. Covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid, covid. Too many among us spend more time shouting than listening, more time fighting than working together, more time demonizing and denigrating others than lifting them up. A. O. C. Plus three who knows less about this stuff than any human being on earth but she does have a good line of crap. Well once more become one nation under god, indivisible. A nation united. A nation strengthened. A nation healed. Without tivo, television is useless. Stephen okay, two slightly different candidates, but somehow, somehow, the American People have to listen to that quiet voice in their head and choose the better man and maybe just tivo the other. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Dr. Sanjay gupta is here. But when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Up at 2 00am again . Tonight, try pure zzzs all night. Unlike other sleep aids, our extended release melatonin helps you sleep longer. And longer. Zzzquil pure zzzs all night. Fall asleep. Stay asleep. We knew that this was really, really bad. We had ample forewarning. But we did almost no testing, almost no contact tracing. Completely ignored the science, completely ignored the warning signs. There were things that could have been done. A lot of people have died needlessly, and theres nothing more frustrating than feeling like youre fighting against someone who should have your back. We are not going to stamp this out unless we have a change of leadership. Ff pac is responsible for the content of this ad. Killer attitude. Nevor hydration. Neutrogena® hydro boost. The 1 hyaluronic acid moisturizer delivers 2x the hydration for supple, bouncy skin. Neutrogena®. Woo go go go go go go go go on a real vacation. Visit go rving. Com or your nearest rv dealer. Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody say hello to jon batiste. Hey, jon. Jon hey. Whats the word . Im hanging in there, man. Im pushing through. Stephen so am i. So am i. My brain is a little scrambled these days. I have a little catch scratch fever up here, but im going to be okay. You mentioned a couple weeks ago you were working on a Kamala Harris song. Jon yeah. Stephen has that reached fruition yet . A. Yes, it did and we shot anic. It was really exciting. Stephen what was the inspiration for the song . Jon it was her. I think were in a time where we need to see different representation in the higher levels of office, and i just love to see it. Stephen we have a preview tonight. We have a little clip of this. Jim, i think we have a little clip of it right now. Lets give them a taste. Jon oh, yeah. laughter stephen you got me. You got me. You got me. Jon gotta have some fun with it, too, joke around with it. Stephen i like the look. I like the look a lot. Jon o oh, yeah, 90 s. Stephen you can find the rest on the late tubes youtube channel. Check it out. After you do that, dont forget to vote. If you havent mailed in your ballot already. Were getting kind of close. If you want to find out how in your state how to drop it off in person or how to vote early or where to go on election day, any of the questions you have in this last week before the election, betterknowaballot. Com. Jon. Jon you gotta get there. Come on, you all. Lets get out there, please people, we need you. Stephen jon batiste, everybody, thank you, jon. Jon. You know, i spend a lot of time combing the news aisles of party city, selecting the perfect top hatwearing skeleton, giant fuzzy spider, and remoteoperated boiling cauldron to create the dazzling, perfectlycrafted front yard of halloween horrors that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, folks, i like to rinse out a fourquart ziplock of gravy i found in the freezer, fill it with raisins, and leave it on the front porch with a postit saying take a fistful, for the halfassed halloween grab bag of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, at the highend balthazar eatery here in new york, a young couple who ordered an 18 bottle of wine instead got served a 2,000 bottle meant for a table of businessmen. The couple knew something was up when, instead of fries, they were served a side of cocaine. The best part is, the 18 bottle went to the businessmen, but they didnt notice the difference, and actually praised the purity of the cheapest wine on the list. Mmm, yes, yes, im detecting an oakiness, some austere tannins, and strong overtones of the crap that i am full of. Quarantinewhile, the pope has named american archbishop Wilton Gregory the first African American cardinal in history. Wilton gregory is the Jackie Robinson of the catholic church, in that it took 66 years for the American College of cardinals to be as inclusive as the cardinals. Quarantinewhile, movie buffs, i hope you have your wallets ready, because a Hollywood Memorabilia Auction is selling items, including tom cruises top gun Bomber Jacket and Julia Roberts pretty woman boots and expects 5 million in sales. But us true hollywood connoisseurs are saving our cash for the real prize the litter box used by sir ian mckellan during the filming of cats. It points, you follow it around the house, and thats about it. Its the perfect gift to teach your toddler how entertaining it is to have a toddler. The head turns, the ears wiggle. And it comes with a guarantee that your cat goes insane and disembowels this thing like a rat in a dum dumpster. You can always duct tape a doll to your roomba. Remember heard mornets . This weekend the first nest of murder hornets discovered in the United States was destroyed. Oh, good, we took something with murder in its name and said lets make it want revenge. The nowdestroyed nest contained an estimated 100 to 200 hornets and was the size of a basketball. Compared to charlotte, nowk, which contains 15 hornets who cant play basketball. Stephens had to be told they are not good at basketball. Stephen if you still dont think this was a big deal, the crew eliminating the murder hornets had to to do it dressed as shaved teletubbys. Its very important they suit up after what happened the last time someone wore incorrect equipment for stinging insect removal. Not the bees not the bees aaarrggh my eyes stephen that was a true story. Well be right back with sanjay gupta. Hes a doctor. Does your deodorant protect you all day . We gave new dove men care to mike who transforms homes for those in need. I feel comfortable and protected all day long. Dove men care 48h freshness with triple action moisturizer. Has been amazing. Its not just a work environment. Everyone here is family. Thank you stephen welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. My first guest tonight is a neurosurgeon, a podcast host, and the chief medical correspondent for cnn. Please welcome back to a late show, dr. Sanjay gupta sanjay, thanks for being here. Thanks, stephen. Thanks so much for having me. Great to be here. Stephen now, you and i are already experiencing the weirdness of this interaction. For people at home who do not know, you were my last guest on the last night that we were actually in the ed sullivan theater. What do you remember of that evening, some seven months ago . You know, it felt it felt very surreal. I mean, obviously, were in this empty theater but were also talking about this impending storm. Stephen right, something you can expect to have happen but it hasnt really hit yet. Right. And so i remember trying to really modulate my tone. I mean, you know, i think this is really serious. This is something we have to worry about. But, you know, its not here yet. So how do i convey that to stephen . Thats what i was sort of thinking. Again, that was seven months ago. It feels like seven years ago. And a lot, obviously, has happened since then. Stephen and