Calm. You know hell do it calm, the polls have biden ahead. Dont tell me about polls. The polls had hillary ahead. How did that go . Calm, calm buzzer couple calm calm calm screw calm vote vote votes announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, should we joe . Plus stephen welcomes john oliver, cher and musical guest jojo, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome to a late show. Im Stephen Colbert. I stake exception to the way we announce cher tonight. John oliver, cher. No, its john oliver, cher did cher do something to our announcer . Cher cher im so excited about cher. John olivers price nys. John olivers nice. We are only 23 minutes away from november 3, the day weve all been hopedreading while laughscreaming at our doomscrolling. Tomorrow night we will be live on showtime at 11 00 p. M. For our Election Night special. If you dont have showtime, just sign up for the free trial its free and who doesnt love a trial . Id like to throw a free one for trump next year at the hague sir, just think of the ratings. A lot of americans are nervous right now, and i get it. This is the most highstakes election of my lifetime. And i include when Ruben Studdard beat clay aiken. There were riots. Stores had to board up their windows. Thats how you board up things, with wood . Circuit city, blockbuster, they never recovered. But, personally, i am oddly calm. I am approaching tomorrow with the languid placidity of the blue whale. My heart beats but eight times a minute. Im the most relaxed ive been for months because at 11 38 the night before the election, whatchoo gonna do . I think we can officially say weve given donald trump a chance. Jared, you have 22 minutes to achieve middle east peace. Get them to agree that hummus is delicious and just go from there. You see, i think everyone has made up their mind back in 2017. Have you seen trumps approval numbers . Thats flatter than the black rock desert. You could set a land speed record on 44 . So, to quote jim lovell from apollo 13, isaac newton is in the drivers seat now. We are in the grip of the Gravitational Forces of democracy, which are pulling us towards the results. Its like our country is a deep space object approaching a black hole. Either were going to get sucked over the Event Horizon into a well of corruption that not even votes can escape, or well use this gravity well to pick up speed and slingshot us into an entirely new direction. Maybe that planet where baby yoda lives. Hes cute. This is a test of the strength of american voters, but also of the institutions weve built. This president has exposed a lot of weaknesses in our government, but it just needs to hold together for one last run. Our democracy is like the millennium falcon. She aint pretty, but remember when she passed the Voting Rights act in 12 parsecs . who could forget the immortal words of Lyndon Johnson when he signed it . growling biden continues to lead in the National Polls by 810 points, but its closer in the swing states. In fact, last night 538s nate silver bluntly stated, im here to remind you that trump can still win. Thanks for the reminder, nate. Its something that hadnt occurred to me while i stared unblinking at the ceiling for the past four years. But if trump does end up losing, im sure he will be gracious when he pretends that he won. Because, according to axios, trump plans to declare premature victory. The premature part is no surprise. Like he always says to his ladies as trump i was first. I win sex now, trump has issued a nondenial denial about premature victory declarations, but said he doesnt want any of the mailin ballots, which appear to lean heavily democratic, to be counted after november 3 so, hes just redefining premature as any time hes not winning. I think its a terrible thing when ballots can be collected after an election. I think its a terrible thing when states are allowed to tabulate ballots for a long period of time after the election is over. Stephen he doesnt understand that democracys not done until all the votes are counted. You definitely dont want trump cooking the thanksgiving turkey. as trump its turkey sashimi. Keep chewing, the gobbling means its fresh and for all of his vague denials, hes admitted hes going to try to shut down the count were going to go in the night of, as soon as that elections over, were going in with our lawyers. Stephen as trump the people have spoken, and they better lawyer up, because my attorneys going to sue them for libel. At a rally in pennsylvania, trump painted a dark picture of an america that counted all the votes november 3 is going to come and go and were not gonna know, and youre gonna have bedlam in our country, and youre gonna have this period of nine days, or seven days, or whatever it is, and many bad things. Stephen oh, really . Youve been president for four years. And weve spent the last eight months without human contact and holding our breath so we wouldnt murder nana i think we can handle many bad things for 79 days. Plus, as the New York Times and every other publication in existence points out, we have never had results on election day. Theres a reason Inauguration Day used to be in march the votes used to be loaded on oxcarts and haywains and driven to the county seat so they could be tabulated onto birchbark and then hauled by canal boats to the capital the dayof is just a madeup Television Network event there is absolutely no precedent for a president i win, i win, i win stephen i cast you out stephen one unexpected swing state this year is texas. And some texans arent into the swinging lifestyle, cause on friday, a bus carrying bidenharris staffers was surrounded by a group of armed Trump Supporters in pickup trucks, who tried to run them off the road. It took two years, but texas is finally being menaced by trumps terrorist caravan that is chilling, and i think we have a wider shot. Jimmy . Aaahhh witness me stephen this kind of highway hooliganism has no place in a free country. So, trump was super into it. Did you see the cars today, from all over the place . They had the thing with these, like, very good people, they were riding along a highway, and you had sleepy joes bus. So they escorted the bus, and the radical left said what a horrible thing that is to escort the bus. Stephen clearly false, but im guessing not the first time trump has lied about an escort. Local officials didnt seem to care. When asked about the incident all of this is happening in the surge of the pandemic. The United States passed surpassed 230,000 deaths, and set a new record for single day infections, 100,000. And the Large Campaign rallies held by patient zeroinchief are not helping. In fact, a group of Stanford University economists estimate that there have been at least 30,000 Coronavirus Infections and 700 deaths as a result of 18 Campaign RalliesPresident Trump held. Trump doesnt have a campaign. Hes got the touring company of typhoid mary poppins. Hey, if you need a cooling balm to apply to your stress induced plaque psoriasis, let me prescribe this video of former president barack obama cheering oh whoa, whoa, whoa. Walk off thats what i do thats what i do stephen oh, my god, he got hotter. Our countrys exboyfriend got hotter. Is he doing peloton . Look at his butt. Put that in tennis shorts why did we ever stop dating this guy . Hes swishing three pointers in church shoes while our new boyfriend needs two hands to drink water. Okay. Take a breath. Its fine. Im sure there are plenty of videos of our new boyfriend playing basketball. Okay, we gotta dump this loser. Just one little bit of advice. Barack obama, you know i love you, but youre bidens wingman now. You follow him out of rooms. Hes the one americas supposed to want to go home with when the bar closes. Quit drainin threes. Just stand back and cheer when joe gets yahtzee with the election coming up tomorrow, all the nervous anticipation might make it hard to sleep tonight. It might feel like christmas eve, if last Christmas Santa took a dump down your chimney. Im sure a lot of you wish you could just relax and skip ahead to when all the votes are counted. Thankfully the late show has a new sponsor who can help. Anxious about the election . Overwhelmed by worry . Wish you could know the results sooner . Then ask your doctor about drink it in, the only prescription strength formula to mix rye and corn mash then age them in oak barrels to create a rich, balanced finish. Drink it in targets election stress by reducing tension, lowering inhi pigs and eliminating all awareness of the electoral college. And if you cant rest until every vote is counted, drink its time released formula will enter your body into a nonmedically induced formula. Side effects might be crowdie mouth, sudden heart, repeat you recall. Repeating yourself. Upset spouse. Do not consume drink it in if you are pregnant, thinking of becoming pregnant or checking instagram to see if your ex is pregnant. Drink your election blues away or maybe the election reds. Oh, god, whos going to win this thing . Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Later ill be talking to cher but when we come back, john oliver is here. Stick around. Find your rhythm. Your happy place. Find your breaking point. Then break it. Every emergenc gives you a potent blend of nutrients so you can emerge your best with emergenc. Its in our dna. We want to see whats never been seen. Hear whats never been heard. Feel whats never been felt. We are all explorers, and there are new worlds to explore. Come out of the dryer wrinkled . Next time try bounce wrinkle guard dryer sheets. The worlds first mega sheet with 3x more wrinkle relaxers. The wrinkle guard shirt has less wrinkles and static, and more softness and freshnes a bounce out wrinkles with bounce wrinkle guard dryer sheets teen mom. It happened again. vo add some thrill to your wish list. At the season of audi sales event. Get excpetional offers now. Stephen welcome back, everybody lets say hello the jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon whoa, with somebody who loves me come on stephen oh, i miss whitney. Hey, how are you feeling . Jon you know, im just preparing and im in good spirits and im going to stay thrsm weve just got to keep moving. Stephen this is true. I know youve already voted. I know youre going to be down in philly tomorrow, right . Jon yeses, and were going to be bringing love and joy amidst whatever happens. Stephen i just want everybody to know our late night, late show digital team has a big day. Theyre presenting a late show preshow hoping for the best starting at 11 00 a. M. Right up till show time. Check it out on the instagram, the twitter and the facebook. Visit twitter. Com colbertlateshovisit. Jon please, stay cool out there. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Thank you, jon. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen joining me now is the host of last week tonight on hbo, please welcome, john oliver. Hello, john oliver. Hello, everyone. Hola, stephen. Stephen hola, john. Bueno. Stephen no pressure by theyd interview tonight. The second interview is cher. Youre opening for cher tonight. Did you ever dream that you would be wearing that when you opened for cher . How dare you wear that this has at least a thousand too few sequins of it. This is an absolute satorial escape. Stephen when i actually got set up at my house, you were my first guest. Again, thank you for that. You were my last guest before the great changing of the age, whatever it may be. Well, cher is. Cher is the last. And you could not have picked better. When they said to me cher is going to be on tonight, i thought, that is exactly what i need now. I dont need myself as a guest, i need cher. Stephen yes, im always looking forward to it. Ive always wand to talk to her. Shes cher have you talked to cher before . No, i havent talked to cher. Stephen why wouldnt you . You dont bump into her backstage at all the at the venetian . No, dont. I watch what she does on twitter every now and then because shes spectacular on twitter. Stephen ill read this, shes like all caps momma out there. All caps and she tweets like a toddler whos just had two mountain do yous and learned what emojis are for the first time. She goes hard. Stephen obviously, its a big week for the country. Its a big week for the world. Americas elections mean something everywhere. I wouldnt understate the extent to which the rest of the world is emotionally invested in whats happen. Stephen really . Have you spoken to them . I havent talked to anybody. Just because of covid i dont want to spread it outside our borders over a telephone line. How are everybody in the u. K. Perceiving whats about to happen . My best friend texted me, like, 5 00 a. M. This morning and he said, hey, is it tense over there . I was quite bleary. I texted him and went back to sleep. I texted back all caps pretty bleep tense exclamation mk send. It read as punchy as it was supposed to. Yeah, they are all waiting with invested interest in the way america is going to swing. Stephen you also have a big week because its your first president ial election now that youre an american citizen. Yes. Stephen so youre allowed to vote. A, thats so exciting. Its amazing. Stephen congratulations on having been made a citizen before. This but what did it feel like to go pull the lever or however they did it at your polling place . That was no lever. That was discis appointing. Honestly, it was amazing. Putting aside the candidates in this election for a moment, which already i feel sorry about it, putting that aside, as an immigrant who just got his citizenship in december of last year, i was waiting for that to feel real. But when you worry about your immigration status all the time and even getting your passport doesnt feel real because you havent tested it against a system. But i thought this will feel differently when i leave america, come back and am treated differently by the system. Standing in line, i thought maybe this will be it. I didnt feel it. Giving them my name and getting the ballot, i didnt feel it. Scanning it into the machine and the machine saying youre r your vote has been counted, i nearly burst into tears. That is the truth. My eyes got misty and i thought, i dont know if i can cry in the voting station. Stephen thats lovely. I didnt want to wait for the machine to say your vote has been counted, asterisk, you live in new york, so its counted. Stephen sort of. So give me a ballpark of how many hours you were in line. Was it hours . Yeah, i was probably you mean start to finish stephen join the line. Thats how lines work. Join the line. Out of line. The queue. Does that help . Much better. I was in the queue an hour and a half stephen compare that to voting in u. K. You guys just go to pubs there. You either pick a pickled egg or scotch egg and they know thats whawhat party youre voting for . I wish it wasnt true, but, yeah, you walk up to the bar and you say, all right, governor, i take the pickled egg. Really, voting for thatcher again . I am. You have to understand this, i think lines have been normalized in america. I think that everyone else stands in line for hours. Stephen there are not lines over there . No, its not lines. Its absolute madness to stand to have to stand in line for that long is an absolute disgrace wherever you are. Nobody else has to stand in line for seven, nine, eleven hours, whatever youre hearing about. Its absurd. Stephen now that you voted and you feel more american, have you thought about losing the accent . Um stephen have you put any effort into it, by the way . I think what im scrolling through is which accent do i pick . If youre going to get to reinvent yourself, am i doing bronx, am i going into kind of 1950 south, am i going to the california surfer. Stephen delaware. Delaware, absolutely nothing. Flat. Newscaster. Really. Stephen yes, a manila envelope taped to a beige wall. No character. No character at all. All right, ill look into that. Stephen yeah. I might go with a really intense baltimore accent. Stephen those are difficult to do. Yeah, those noises dont make any sense. Stephen give me a taste. I have no idea. Stephen oh, so close just say i got stuck in the fort mchenry tunnel. Literally, i was about to have a swing at that and there was something in my body went that sound cant come out. Its actually not okay. Stephen john, we have to do that commercial thing you never have to deal with. Stick around, back with more john oliver. With mucinex nightshift youve got powerful relief from your worst nighttime cold and flu symptoms. So grab nightshift to fight your symptoms, get your zzzs. And get back to your rhythm. Feel the power. Beat the symptoms fast. Cross eerbody off hey your gift list. Emas. The whole squad lookin fly in the halfzips. Its the coziest fleecemas that ever existed shop cozy styles for everyone on your list. We holiday. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. Oh, oh, announcer ® onceweekly ozempic® is helping many people with type 2 diabetes like emily lower their blood sugar. A majority of adults who took ozempic® reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. Heres your a1c. 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