[humming] hmm announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Burning down the house. First, stephen welcomes Anderson Cooper. And musical guest japanese breakfast. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey [cheers and applause] hi [cheers and applause] hey thanks, everybody. Welcome, welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheers and applause] the nation is still reeling from yesterdays big story about former speaker of the house Kevin Mccarthy, seen here saying, hello, monsterdotcom . After just 9 months of sucking at his job, mccarthy was stripped of the gavel by eight members of his own party. To make it even worse, this all happened and this is true on national kevin day. [laughter] [applause] theres a national kevin day. What a way to honor it. Today is, of course and, again, this is true is National Taco day and National Vodka day. Tacos and vodka. Or as Kevin Mccarthy called them this morning breakfast. Following the vote, a defeated mccarthy held a press conference that can only be described as one hour long. Just would not end. And he started like this. President Abraham Lincoln once said im an optimist because i dont see any other way. Stephen is he sure thats really from lincoln and not a crocheted pillow on etsy . As Winston Churchill famously said, its wine oclock somewhere. mccarthy also waxed nostalgic about his start in politics. I opened up the local paper. It said be a summer intern in washington, d. C. , with my local congressman. I did not know this man, but i thought hed be lucky to have me so i applied. And you know what he did . He turned me down. But you want to know the end of the story . I got elected to the seat i couldnt get an internship for. I ended up being the 55th speaker of the house. Stephen turns out, thats actually not the end of the story. Id love to see Kevin Mccarthy do movie recaps. Titanic beautiful boat. So cool that its unsinkable. Cant wait to see what hijinks jack and rose get up to in the sequel remember, remember. Me too. Titanic 2. Wouldnt that be fantastic . The only reason eight republicans were able to get rid of mccarthy is that, back when he was struggling desperately after 15 failed votes to get enough votes to become speaker, the hardliners got mccarthy to agree to a rule that allows any one lawmaker to call up a vote to eject him. So obviously mccarthy cant blame anybody but himself. Is what i thought. I think today was a political decision by the democrats. Stephen really . You handed a straight razor to the craziest, most selfish nihilists in the entire maga mob and said, just hold this to my neck and if i say or do one thing you dont like, just slice away. And youre blaming the democrats . Reminds me of that iconic scene in jaws. This was a political decision from the democrats [cheers and applause] stephen but he had a lot of blame for a lot of people that arent him, which led one cnn commentator to give his press conference this review. I just kept thinking about Michael Jordans hall of fame speech from a few years ago. He just went after everybody throughout his entire life who ever did him wrong. And it seemed like mccarthy was circling around to the same thing. Stephen thats a perfect comparison. If Michael Jordan had been the worst basketball player of all time. And had been cut nine months in to his career at unc. Yesterdays slide down chaos mountain into insanity river at the bottom of dumbass canyon was sherpaed by one man, florida republican. [booing] and bobs big boy who sells molly in the club bathroom, matt gaetz. Despite getting exactly what he asked for, gaetz was in a reflective mood. The stages of grief i think are in progress right now with some of my colleagues. I think there was a stage of denial. And ive certainly experienced a good amount of their anger, and now we appear to be headed toward bargaining. Stephen it is so, so rare to get lectured about grief by the murderer. There, there. Shh, let it out. Its healthy to cry. By the way, do you have a tarp i can roll your corpse up in . Thats him, not me. Thats him. [cheering] gaetz isnt wrong, though. His colleagues are definitely gopeeved, including louisiana rep and john boehner rookie card, garret graves. Graves went after gaetz for sending fundraising texts while he was in the act of attacking his own party. I keep wondering what is going on . And all of a sudden, my phone keeps sending text messages, text messages, saying hey, give me money. Oh, look at that. Oh, look. Give me money. I filed the motion to vacate. Using official actions, official actions to raise money. Its disgusting stephen and if you think its disgusting, send 10 today to disgustingpac you know our slogan ew this slogan sucks come on come on give me your money [cheering] so mad at my coat but gaetz didnt back down from his proud douchery. When it comes to how those raise money, i take no lecture on asking patriotic americans to weigh in and contribute to this fight from those who would grovel and bend knee for the lobbyists and special interests who own our leadership. [booing from chamber] oh, boo all you want. Stephen okay. Booooooooo [audience booing] that was very generous. Meanwhile over in the senate, even the g. O. P. Senators are mocking the dysfunction in the house. Take, for instance, louisiana senator john kennedy, who said this. I got a new strapon harness today. I cant wait to put it on you. It will fit my favorite dildo perf stephen sorry, wrong clip sorry actually, not sorry. But still, wrong clip. I meant to show you this one from yesterday. I dont have a lot of advice for my house colleagues, other than this. Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. Id also advise all of my house colleagues to be sure and take their meds. Stephen cause youre gonna need em after you see my new strapon. Its beautiful. Its beautiful. Its got a little dog leg to it. The point is, its a hot mess, mccarthys out, and he was immediately replaced by acting speaker and star of old sheldon, patrick mchenry. You of course remember Patrick Mchenrys famous quote. Give me liberty or give me mcdeath last night, mchenry stepped up to the speakers podium and showed just how he intends to wield that gavel. The chair declares the house in recess subject to the call of the chair. Stephen damn. That boy brought the hammer down. I wonder why. Jim, is there any more to that footage . Chair declares the houston house in recess subject to the call of the chair. [video game jingle] stephen oh, thats nice thats fun. Thats fun. Thats nice. Oh, he won a minion but heres the thing. Mchenry wont be speaker for long. When Congress Gets back in session, theyll hold a new speakership election. Right now, the top contenders are guys youd expect. House majority leader Steve Scalise and judiciary chair jim jordan. [booing] but theyre facing potential challengers like House Majority whip tom emmer and oklahoma representative kevin hern, who are known by the collective name, huuuhh . Now, it might not be any of those guys. Because, according to the constitution, the speaker of the house doesnt technically have to be a sitting member of congress. So, naturally, like a turd in a hot tub, one name has floated to the surface. According to fox news, House Republicans are trying to draft trump as speaker. Dont worry. But theres no way trump can be drafted. Hes got the bone spurs. The former president himself weighed in today, and hes not ruling it out. A lot of people have been calling me about speaker. All i can say is well do whatever is best for the country. Stephen oh, well, then slather yourself in honey and let the fire ants have at you. [cheering] republicans arent the only ones dealing with chaos. Theres also a scandal brewing in the white house. Because we just learned that bidens dog bit a secret service officer. Thats right. We have breaking news. Dog bites man its not the first time bidens dog, commander, has had the taste for human flesh. This is believed to be the 11th such incident since he entered the white house. What does commander have against the president s bodyguards . Jim, do we have a picture of tht makes sense. Bad choice for a bodyguard. There may be another explanation for commanders antilaw enforcement bias, because, according to experts, its possible commander is biting secret Service Agents because of their unfriendly expressions. Huh. I dont know why they wouldnt look friendlier. They have such a nice life. All right, welcome aboard. Basically, your job is to stand around in silence until its your turn to jump in front of a bullet. And dont forget to smile or that dog will bite your nards off. Okay . Keep it light. Keep it light. He smells fear. And nards. In another incident, an agent said that he felt the need to hoist up the chair he was sitting on to use as a shield when commander began barking at him from the top of a white house staircase. You can see it all in the classic thriller, in the line of fur. We got a great show for you tonight my guest is Anderson Cooper. But when we come back, my tech segment, cyborgasm. Stay close. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by progressive insurance. Round out your protection with life, phone, and pet health insurance. Haha it was me the whole time. Whoohoo [ laughs ] well done, maam. What. Did i do exactly . With snapshot from progressive, you get a personalized discount for doing exactly what youre already doing being a safe driver. Congratulations. This is a bowling trophy. Yeah, its the biggest one they had. Okay, thanks. Mmhmm. Oh. Have a good one. The new subway mvp rewards earns you points when you order. Superbowl mvps really do get all the perks . Im talking about subway mvp. Its a way bigger deal. Do you get a trophy for that . I wish. Get rewarded like an mvp. Join now and get 50 any footlong. For your most brilliant smile, crest has you covered. laughing nice smile, brad. Nice thanks . Crest 3d white. 100 more stain removal. Crest. Not that into saving, are you . Whoa, dude. What do you. Money. Youre not that into saving money. Cuz. Cuz you paid too much for those glasses. Next time, go to americas best where two pairs and a free, quality eye exam start at just 79. 95. The exam is alone is worth at least 59 bucks. Wow. I gotta go tell my squad hurry i dont see how thats hurrying. Two pairs and a free exam starting at 79. 95. Book an exam today at americasbest. Com. Trick or treat kit kat. Reeses. Ooo, great costume. Looks like you deserve both. See ya boys. Im steve, i lost 138 pounds in nine months on golo and taking release. See ya boys. Since taking release, my sleep is way better. My inflammation has gone way down. Im nonstop now, i feel way better than i did before. I dont sit down in life anymore. honey. Honey. Dayquil severe honey. Powerful cold and flu symptom relief with a honeylicious taste. Because life doesnt stop for a cold. Dayquil honey, the daytime, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, honeylicious, power through your day, medicine. Stephen ladies and gentlemen, louis cato and the late show band. Right there, come on. Very excited, very excited. In just a little while, coming out here to sit in that chair right there is a gentleman that i have had the pleasure and the honor of interviewing since 2005. Back when we used to call him the silver surfer of cable news. Mr. Anderson cooper will be out here in just a moment. A new book, talking about everything going down in washington, d. C. Folks, if you know me, and you do. My life is an open book. You know that i love the tech. Look at this thing. Thanks to the wizards of silicon valley, i hold inthe palm of my hand a digital gateway to all the worlds knowledge with more Computing Power than launched the apollo missions, which i use to watch a sleeping dad get bit on the nuts by a chihuahua. [laughs] you got him, chico and i like to bring you all the latest tech news in my tech segment cyborgasm. [crackling] [groaning] [cheers and applause] stephen theres no right answer. Therefore there is no wrong answer. First up on cyborgasm, iphone 15 pro users are reporting that their phones are overheating. To which Android Users replied, well, well, well. Who has the lame phone now . Still us . Okay. Next up, tom hanks recently took to instagram to post this still from an ad with his face, saying beware theres a video out there promoting some dental plan with an a. I. Version of me. I have nothing to do with it. Well, clearly. Clearly, thats a fake. If youre promoting dental care, you dont go with tom hanks. You go with joe biden. And listen. [applause] i dont know why people say hes old. Those teeth arent old enough to vote. Up next, in los angeles, privacy advocates are up in arms after an uber eats delivery bot shared video footage with the lapd. Well, im mad too. I dont need my delivery food robot dropping a dime on me. Open up weve obtained footage of you ordering five crunchwrap supremes. Were declaring your bathroom a crime scene. [cheers and applause] oh, no. Dont reward jokes like that. Well only write more of them. Apparently, uber uses the robots of a Company CalledServe Robotics and the footage that uber eats gave to the cops was part of a criminal investigation that involved one of serves own robots because someone tried to steal the delivery bot off the street. Lemme get this straight. You sent a 5,000 robot full of food into the streets of los angeles and someone tried to take it . Huh. This is terrible news for the new high tech startup take a 20 leave a 20 bot. So convenient. You need a 20 . Next up on the gasm, San Francisco has become the epicenter of testing driverless cabs, which has led to a steamy new phenomenon. Apparently san franciscans are having sex in the robotaxis. Reminds me of one of my favorite songs. If youre going to San Francisco be sure to [bleep] in a robocar [cheers and applause] stephen it was a simpler time. Next, new york mayor eric adams unveiled a twomonth Pilot Program for a robot that will patrol the new york city subway. And to pay for the program, theyve trained it to go from car to car breakdancing on the poles. Its showtime anyway, cool robot. I hope it cuts down on crime. One note you shaped it like a urinal. How do you think this story ends . [cheering] up next, fitbit has announced the new charge 6 with google smarts. Is it smart enough to understand what any of those words mean . That headline might as well have read tech flip grid boxed wifi soup shampoo. Up next, coke has launched a new drink cocreated with a. I. Intended to evoke the flavors of the year 3000. Really . Pretty sure the flavors of the year 3000 are going to be cockroaches and tire fire. Apparently cocacola created the drink to draw in genz consumers and named it cocacola y3000 this has got to be the lamest attempt to by a beverage to appeal to young people since taytaytorade. According to one reviewer, cocacolas new aigenerated soda flavor falls flat and, quote, is bad. Dont drink it. Okay, not cool. Thats already the slogan for coors light. Well be right back with Anderson Cooper who says you cant go for bold without going broke. Get the brands you want, the prices you want, whenever you want. Tj maxx where you can always afford to be you to the maxx. To give your teeth a dentist clean feeling. Start with a round brush head. Add power. And youve got oralb. Round cleans better by surrounding each tooth to remove 100 more plaque. For a superior clean. Oralb. Brush like a pro. My a1c was up here; now, its down with rybelsus®. His a1c . Oralb. Its down with rybelsus®. My doctor told me rybelsus® lowered a1c better than a leading branded pill and that people taking rybelsus® lost more weight. I got to my a1c goal and lost some weight too. Rybelsus® isnt for people with type 1 diabetes. Dont take rybelsus® if you or your family ever had medullary thyroid cancer, or have multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if allergic to it. 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Describe how you felt watching the show. Capable. What the hell does that even mean . I stand with the overlooked workhorse of the kitchen women and baked potatoes. My frequent heartburn had me taking antacid after antacid all day long but with prilosec otc just one pill a day blocks heartburn for a full 24 hours. For one and done heartburn relief, prilosec otc. One pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn. We made it bmo has arrived. Hello . You said it. Hello to more ways to save money, grow your wealth, grow your business. Just what we needed, another big bank. Not so fast. How many banks do you know that reward you for saving every month . Hes got a good point. Did i mention bmo has more feefree atms than the two largest us banks combined . Uh, bmo . Just beemo, actually. Quick question, will all this stuff fit in your car . should i get rid of the mug . Bmo stephen welcome back thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, my friends. Folks. [cheering] ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight is a cnn anchor and a New York Times bestselling author. Please welcome back to the late show Anderson Cooper. [cheers and appla