From the people who didnt see magic mike because they thought it would turn them gay, comes a brandnew johnson that just became fully elect. The country demands strong leadership of this body. This fall, you wont believe the size of his spending package. Ive seen it. He will bang all night long, and he wants to strip away your rights. Starring Speaker Mike Johnson as maga mike xxelection denier. What a dick announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Mike drop. First, stephen welcomes keeganmichael key and elle key and john carpenter. With a special appearance by harvey guillen. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen nice to see you. Good to see you. Have a seat, everybody. Thank you very much. Welcome. Down here, up there, all around the world. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen what we call the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It has now been 24 hours since House Republicans reached into a bag of randos and pulled out a shiny new speaker of the house. The man they chose is louisiana representative mike johnson, seen here just as the edibles are kicking in. Before yesterday, mike johnson had very little name recognition except for the fact that he has americas most generic name. I need your participation here. I want you to clap in here if you know someone named mike or michael johnson. [applause] any of those Mike Johnsons would be a better speaker of the house. But republicans are doing their best to convince us that their only choice was the right choice. Texas representative pat fallon said this of johnson. I would really put him in a mold of ronald reagan. And i know thats saying a lot. Hes shorter than the president. Stephen yes. And thats the thing everyone associates with reagan his height. Who can forget this famous moment . Mr. Gorbachev, i can dunk. [applause] stephen its true. Its true. Right at the top of the key. Matt gaetz also had some words of praise for johnson. Hes a louisiana man and were going to bayou hours, so people are actually gonna have to work on mondays and fridays. Stephen oh, its exciting to have the first bayou speaker. Heeeyy how you walala just gon drain the swamp. Gon get right down on them gators and pull about in a pirogue boat. Laissez les bons temps. Jumbalaya. I guarantee [cheering] very accurate. Come on, now. We dont have time for that. Not everyone was so effusive. Like indiana senator todd young, who said, we just need a warm body at this point, right . They just need a warm body . Was this the race for speaker or last call at houlihans . Its closing time. Hey, you. Shiny lady with the flashy lights. Wanna come home with me . What . Oh, id bang a frickin jukebox. Now that hes got the job, johnson has to actually do that job. As john kennedy put it, the real work begins now. To pass anything, you have to go get democratic votes. You dont have to be einsteins cousin to figure that out. Yeah, we all know that the true geius was einsteins cousin. Hey, excuse me, steve . Stephen im sorry, guys. Its my writer, brian stack. Say hi to brian, everybody. Brian, im doing the monologue. Whats up . Well, steve, i heard that einsteins cousin thing, and it gave me an idea for a joke. Stephen okay. Whatcha got . Well, you know how einstein had that theory of relativity. Stephen uhuh. And . Theres gotta be a joke there. Stephen and, uh, what might that joke might be . Well, im gonna kick it around with the folks in the writers room and see what we can cook up for ya. What time do you tape the show . Stephen were taping the show right now. Youre in front of the audience. Perfect. Theyre gonna love this joke. Stephen brian stack, everybody. Brian, thank you. Where were we . Oh, right. New speaker of the house mike johnson. Johnson is also extremely antilgbtq, saying homosexual marriage is the dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy that could doom even the strongest republic. If youre doin it right. Go for some dark chaos right now senator john kennedy revealed perhaps the most upsetting fact about speaker johnson. He does wonderful impersonations. If you havent already, ask him to do a few of his impersonations. Stephen i would love to see Mike Johnsons impersonation. Im mike johnson. And this is my robert de niro. Myeh, see . Homosexual marriage is the dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy, see . Myeh theres news about Supreme CourtJustice Clarence thomas. Excuse me, steve . Stephen its brian again. Yeah, brian . Sorry to interrupt, but back to the whole einsteins cousin thing. Me and the other writers looked it up, and get this. Einstein actually married his cousin. Stephen yeah, i knew that. And . Feels like that could be part of the joke. Stephen okay. What is the joke . Lemme just run it up the flagpole. Youre gonna love it. Boffo laughs. Stephen brian stack, everybody. Thank you, brian. Good man. Hes a good man in a tight spot. Okay, back to Supreme CourtJustice Clarence thomas. Over the last year, weve learned that thomas failed to disclose things like 38 destination vacations paid for by billionaires. Many of them at the exclusive resort, scandals. Now weve learned, according to a new senate report, thomas failed to fully repay a 267,000 loan for a luxury rv he got from a longtime friend. It was a loan that i would never have to pay weve heard about thomass rv for years. He even showed it off on 60 minutes. What kind of an engine has this got in it . This has got an 8v92 detroit v. [horn honks] stephen kinda weird timing on the horn, but he just saw a Bumper Sticker that said, honk if youre on 60 minutes. So, shocking revelations of secret payments to a Supreme Court justice who, coincidentally, is the most progun justice in our lifetimes. Which bring us to a story that is sadly all too common. Last night, there was another horrific mass shooting in america. This time in lewiston, maine, where 18 people were killed and more than a dozen injured. This is unfathomable darkness, and there are no words to describe the sickening grief and horror. The suspected shooter, who as of this taping is still at large, reportedly has a history of Mental Health issues, including hearing voices, who had also threatened to shoot up a National Guard base, and who was committed to a Mental Health facility for two weeks over this past summer. Yet, he was still able to get guns. Now, we know the arguments. Some people are going to say this is a Mental Health issue, others are going to say, its a gun issue. But theres no reason it cant be both. For instance, some people look at this tragedy and say, we dont have enough guns in america. That alone proves some of us are mentally ill. [applause] it doesnt matter at all where the answer comes from republicans, democrats, independents. Theres no reason for this to be a partisan issue. Humans are dying. This is a human issue. And at times like this, you can feel powerless, but youre not. Because you can make this the issue you vote on. And i promise you, no matter what side of the aisle you presently sit on, you wont be alone, because 86 of your fellow americans want universal background checks before any gun purchase. [applause] a majority of americans want a ban on assaultstyle weapons. More than 80 of americans Want Congress to do something anything to prevent mass shootings. So, ask your representative, what will you do . If they dont have an answer immediately at hand, if they say its too soon to talk about this, that means theyve never really given it any serious thought. Theyve had plenty of time since uvaldi and Marjorie Stoneman douglas and sandy hook and the pulse nightclub. So if they dont have an answer now, they will never have an answer. Now, we do have a new speaker of the house. A selfprofessed devoutly religious man, who, on his first day in office, addressed this unspeakable tragedy. Lets hear what his new ideas are. This is a dark time in america. We have a lot of problems. And were really, really hopeful and prayerful. Prayer is appropriate in a time like this, that the evil can end and this senseless violence can stop. And so thats the statement this morning on behalf of the entire house of representatives. Everyone wants this to end and ill leave it there. Stephen why would you leave it there . Is that what you think produces hope . Just leaving it there and walking away from the problem . Were already capable of hope and prayer. Youre capable of governing, theoretically. Im sorry if that sounds like too hard of a job for you. If that seems like too hard of a job, you know whos got a really hard job now . The people in lewiston, maine. Thats hard. Theyll get through it. They shouldnt have to, but people do get through this. And there are very few people like mainers. I know mainers. I love mainers. Theyre a strong people. Theyve got moxie. Literally, its the name of the official state soft drink, it tastes like carbonated cough syrup, but they drink it anyway. cause mainers are tough. These are people whose idea of a beach is a collection of jagged rocks near freezing water. Their state flower, the maine state flower and this is true, is a frickin pine cone theyll get through it because they have no choice. They cant leave it there. They have to face this tragedy. You have to face your responsibilities. I dare anyone in power to show a fraction of the courage of all the families who have faced their tragedies and faced our failure to change. We got a great show for you tonight. My guests are keeganmichael key and elle key, and director john carpenter. But when we come back, i talk to George Santos come on announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by olay body. At cretors, we handcraft every batch of our delicious popcorn. Like our cretors cheese and caramel mix. Great on their own, even better together. Try cretors, handcrafted smallbatch popcorn. Stephen luis kato on the the late show, everybody right there. Louis, my friend. Tonight weve got a bevy of wonderful guests, dear friends and wonderful comedians, keeganmichael key and elle key are here this evening. Their new book and one of my favorite directors, the director of my Favorite Movie of all time, a true master, exactly the person you want in the house for the time of war, mr. John carpenter is here this evening. Spooky stuff. Spookydooky. Now, folks, as you know, Congressional Republicans have spent the last weeks caught in a storm of disruption, chaos, and drama. And thats just George Santos. Recently, santos was indicted on 23 federal charges. These ranged from stealing the identities and credit card details of donors in order to buy Designer Clothing to making false statements to the fec. In response, santos claimed, i didnt even know what the hell the fec was. Congressman, let me help you understand by using fec in a sentence. You are feced. Despite. [applause] [humming] despite all the legal trouble, santos is still finding time to tell new lies. For example, he recently told a New York Times reporter his niece was kidnapped by chinese communists. But a Police Official said he made it up. You can see it all in the new movie faken. He has a very particular set of skills lying. Recently, things took a turn for the weirder when santos was spotted in the halls of congress holding a mystery baby and telling protestors that since he had a child in his arms, it was inappropriate to ask him questions. When asked if the baby was his, santos replied, not yet. Okay, the only creepier response to the question is that baby yours . Is to say yeah, but you can have a bite. Now, i said creepy. Now, on top of everything, we just learned, right before recording this show, and this is true. A fellow new york congressman introduced a resolution to have santos expelled from the house. [applause] lets talk to someone who has thoughts on the future of George Santos, new york congressman George Santos. [applause] hello, stephen its an honor to be back here, hosting the late show stephen no, dont reward him. First, i have to ask about the new house speaker. How do you feel about mike johnson . Hes a bit of an unknown. He sure is, but i cant wait to get to know him better. Like, what is the name of his first pet . Or what is his mothers maiden name . Or what is the 4 digit code he was just texted by his bank . Stephen well, now that youve brought it up, you are currently being indicted for financial fraud and facing some very big charges. Big charges . Oh, please those are nothing compared to the big charges ive got at gucci and Louis Vuitton which, by the way, are also my names. Stephen no, theyre not. So you admit that you misused your Campaign Funds for personal goods . Lies, stephen i would never use my Campaign Funds. Thats what my donors credit cards are for see . I got a visa. See . I got a mastercard. Ooh, a panera gift card ooh, im making it rain bread bowls up in this bitch [cackling] stephen congressman, congressman, all of that is illegal uhoh. Am i in twouble . Are you gonna throw me in jail . Stephen no, but they might. Youve lied to the fec. The fmewhatnow . No, never heard of her. And i dont speak english. Stephen congressman, is there anything you wont lie about . You even made up a story about your missing niece . That was no lie i remember it like it was yesterday. She was kidnapped by the chinese communists. Then everything faded to black. And someone said in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups, dundun. Produced by me, dick wolf. [howls] stephen look, congressman, youre facing federal indictments and today members of your own party went to the floor of the house to expel you. How do you possibly expect to stay in office . Stephen, shh. Im holding a baby how dare you ask me a question its so inappropriate stephen is that even your baby . Not yet but i have the highest bid on ebay stephen congressman, where on earth did you even get that child . Shhhhh. Stephen cant you see i have two babies . Your questions are doubleinappropriate stephen are you just going to keep adding babies until i stop asking you questions . Stephen shh youre going to wake up the triplets stephen congressman George Santos, everyone. Well be right back with keeganmichael and elle key. Dry skin is sensitive skin, too. And its natural. Treat it that way. 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Now with even more flavors. Available at walmart or drinkcirkul. Com. My frequent heartburn had me taking antacid after antacid all day long but with prilosec otc just one pill a day blocks heartburn for a full 24 hours. For one and done heartburn relief, prilosec otc. One pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn. Stephen welcome back to the late show, everybody. Ladies and gentlemens. Welcome back. Hes an emmy and peabodywinning writer and producer. Shes an awardwinning film and tv director, writer, and producer. Together theyve coauthored a new book, the history of sketch comedy. Please welcome keeganmichael key and elle key. [cheers and applause] wont you please. Wont you please. There you go. [cheering] lovely to see you both again. Keegan, weve had you on many times. Everybody knows who you are. People may not know that you and keegan have been writing and producing comedy for years and are married and the question i need to ask. Keeganmichael what . Stephen youre married. Sorry you had to find out this way. How did you think it was a good idea to have a relationship with another comedian . Im not sure if i could do that. Because when she said i love you i wouldnt know whether it was a really drive it. How did that happen . Elle i guess we started trying to figure out working together and producing together if we had a similar sense of humor. Stephen it was a professional relationship first . Keeganmichael yeah and then romance blossomed later on down the line. Stephen did h. R. Know about this . [laughs] what was the spark . What was the moment . Keeganmichael for the end of key npo i was trying to figure out what i was going to do next to my career. I didnt know what i wanted to do and i was a little adrift. And elle being a very good friend she was and still is, was like, what is it that you want to do . Tell me something you want to do. I kept on putting limits on myself. I kept on doing that. Tell them what you said to me. It elle basically was trying to figure out what to do and every time he came up with something, he came up with a reason why he couldnt do it. I was like, what if, what if you could do anything. If you had a silver platter, anything you wanted to do and you didnt put limits on yourself. If you could do anything you wanted to do, what would you do . It took him a while. He was like, i would do this. But i cant because of this or i cant do it because of that. What if you didnt have any story standing in your way, what would you do . Stephen turned out the answer was date you. Keeganmichael i was like thats nice, i like that and thats have beginning. Elle the first thing he said was shakespeare, b