That is me. I am in a beautiful landscape, the water flows like my tears down my cheek into my mouth. Salty and sweet. I could really use a snack. Maybe some reeses Peanut Butter cups. The combination of chocolate and Peanut Butter. I was not hungry but now my mouth acts as an independent entity consuming the treat. My tongue differentiates the chocolate from the Peanut Butter. My body is going all fishy. How long have i been talking . Maybe 1,000 years. Can you tell that i am high . You can tell, right . Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight first, stephen welcomes wojosh brolin and a performancey a poet and cellist. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert. Stephen please have a seat. Thank you. Hello, my friends. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Today is the michigan primary for the democrats and the republicans, right . Before we tape this, before the polls close, so we dont know the results. Nikki haley, win or lose, keep doing whatever it is you think that is. Inkle that the pundocracy is watching tonight involving michigans large arab american population. Due to their broad disapproval of how joe biden has supported israels actions in gaza, a coalition of arabamerican and Muslim Leaders are urging democrats to vote uncommitted in the primary as a form of protest. Very important that this is a peaceful protest. Theyre angry but theyre not going to do something insane and destructive like vote for dean phillips. And apparently, the Biden Administration is optimistic about a ceasefire deal. The odd thing is how we found out about it. Last night, biden appeared on late night with seth meyers. And i am so happy for my dear friend seth that he had the president on his show. Even though the president has promised to come here to the ed sullivan theater, and i do not see him. Is he over there . Hes not over there. Keep looking. Maybe hes lost. He is so very, very old. See what you made me do, joe . Hurt people hurt people. Anyway, so the president not only sat down for an interview with my former friend seth, but they went to an ice cream shop, where a reporter asked the president this. Can you give us a sense of when you think that ceasefire will start, sir . Well i hope by the beginning of the weekend i mean, the end of the wekend. My National Security advisor tells me that were close. Were close. Its not done yet. My hope is by next monday, well have a ceasefire. Stephen very statesmanlike response, and a reason to kindle hope, if he hadnt said it directly into a scoop of mint chip. Its time to bring peace to a region that has known far too much tragedy. C has always gone great with dessert. Even at the yalta conference they had a chocolate fountain. What i love most about this is how awkward this moment is for seth meyers. Fantastic. Isnt that great . I feel you, seth. This is why you have to be careful about inviting reporters to watch you film with your guests. You dont want to answer serious questions during a goofy segment. Thats why seinfeld stopped doing comedians in cars discussing afghanistan. Here in new york, trump has way bigger problems than ice cream cones. Hes got about 30 days to raise nearly half a billion dollars to pay his fraud judgment. But theres a more immediate threat, because a jury also ordered him to pay 83. 3 million for defaming e. Jean carrol, and in order to stop her from collecting immediately, trump has to post 110 of the amount in a cash bond of 91 million by march 9th. You know what they say, march comes in like a lion and goes out like a bankrupt sexual predator. [cheers and applause] trumps team has tried some unusual legal maneuvering to postpone him coughing up the cash. For instance, they say he shouldnt have to pay because the judgment was likely to be overturned due to the fact that their clients behavior was not uniquely egregious. You cant get away with a crime just because it wasnt unique. You never hear a jury say we find the defendant derivative. Victims head in a box . Please, is it 1995 . Boring but their craziest argument is that trump shouldnt have to post a bond at all, because hes too rich. Cant argue with that logic. Also, i shouldnt have to go to jail. Im too guilty. [cheers and applause] spoiler alert, the judge said no to both arguments after he stopped laughing. Speaking of trumps crimes, were learning more about former trump attorney and defendant who just sent a cocktail to the stenographer, kenneth chesebro. Chesebro is the mastermind of the fake electors scheme to overthrow the 2020 election. But last year, chesebro pleaded guilty in georgia has been cooperating with michigan and wisconsin investigators in hopes of avoiding more criminal charges. But turns out, chesebro might not escape the cheesegrater of justice. Cnn found out that chesebro had a secret twitter account, and thats bad news for him, since while he was under oath, he told prosecutors this do you have any social Media Presence . Facebook, instagram, twitter . No, i mean, uh, no. I, for whatever, i mean, before the any alternate ids that youre using for that kind of stuff . No. I mean, i dont i dont do any tweeting. Stephen that is the sound of someone desperately trying to remove the twitter app from their phone under the desk. Uh, twitter. I. Uh, no. Humina humina. I mean, i dont damn. Face id not recognized. Uh, id like to phone a friend. Chesebros secret account was called badgerpundit. No. Badgerpundit is not the alias of a wisconsinbased election denier, badgerpundit is a new cartoon show i am writing where a badger works at a 24hour news network for animals that is headquartered in a big tree and is called treenn. Their rival network is still fox news with actual foxes. Call me, paramount theres a huge story from when [applause] we were on break that we havent talked about yet the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that frozen embryos are children. This surprised a lot of people, and proves beyond question that they do not know what children are. Yknow, kids you keep em in a vat of liquid nitrogen at negative 320 degrees. Thats why theyre called chill dren. Theyre not warmdren [applause] one of the guys behind this decision is a christian nationalist alabama chief justice and offduty capn crunch, tom parker. Obviously, parkers ruling is disastrous for people trying to have children with ivf. Because it would force parents to pay for lifelong storage fees of embryos they will never be allowed to discard. So people are gonna be desperate for cheap storage spots. If you go to your parents place, dont open that christmas tin from the popcorn factory its your frozen brother experts say this ruling will require embryos to remain in cryogenic storage even after the couple who underwent the ivf treatment have died and potentially even after the couples children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren have died. Thats gonna make for some weird family reunions. Parker, say hello to your greatgreat grandembryo. I dont care if he smells weird, give him a kiss and this alabama ruling is just the start. As of 2023, fetal personhood bills have been introduced in at least 14 state legislatures, and theyve already been enacted in georgia and missouri. On the bright side, if youre a pregnant woman driving in missouri, you can now use the carpool lane to drive out of missouri. Republicans are not gonna stop at ivf. [applause] people love carpool lane jokes. The next thing on their agenda is birth control. Right after the Supreme Court overturned roe v. Wade, democrats in Congress Introduced a bill aimed to ensure access to contraception nationwide, and 195 House Republicans voted against. Religious conservatives approve of only the type of sex depicted in the bible one man, two of his daughters, and a pillar of salt that likes to watch. Weve got a great show for you tonight, my guest is josh brolin. But when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by align realign yourself. When Peter Dickson led my platoon into combat in afghanistan, he cared about two things completing the mission, and making sure his marines came home. And we all did. Petes always fought for what he believes in, and i know hell do the same in congress for affordable housing, the rights of women, and the democracy he swore to protect. Because helping people who need it has always been petes mission. And i know hell get it done. Next Generation Veteran Fund is responsible for the content of this ad. I launched our campaign at this union hall. Next Generation Veteran Fund lets go win this thing then we hit the road and never stopped. You shared with me your frustration at working harder to barely get by and afford a place to live. Your fears for our democracy and freedoms and your dreams for yourself, your family, and the future. It is not too late to realize those dreams. Im adam schiff, and i approve this message because together we can still get big things done. [cheers and applause] stephen say hello to louis kato in the latenight show band. Canine observers might notice we have a guest musician. We have for us on trombone. Other people joining us this evening is one man who counts for many men. His name, you know him, you love him, josh brolin. He will be here. Folks, i spend most of my time in the news workshop pulling together the days finest story copper, steel, and brass from which i handcraft the most topical thermal hull then add 14,500 btu power gas burners and a rock grill, a grand vaulted oven and art deco inspired bezels and toe kick to build for you the ferris rafoolidesigned chateau supreme grande palais la cornue gas range that is my monologue. But sometimes, while fleeing from the triad gangs after stealing their cocaine submarine which i crash into a garbage island, i dig a hole and fill it with discarded ramen cups, all my clothes, and whatever was left in the tank of a broken diesel leaf blower then light up the groundwaterpoisoning burn pit of news that is my segment meanwhile. [cheers and applause] it is an oxygen tank, and air conditioner for the mind. Nyc subway surfers were recently caught having sex on top of a moving mta train. I hope they both got off at the same stop. [laughter] can i just say, thats unbelievably stupid and dont do that, but also wow being able to perform while hurtling above queens with your ass hanging out is impressive. Many men have trouble maintaining focus if the dogs watching. Stopped twice meanwhile, apple is warning customers not to put wet iphones in rice. They are instead encouraging users to put their wet iphones in apples new 1200 accessory rice. Three i in other cell phone news, bounced experts are now saying that you dont need to use Airplane Mode on airplanes after all. Oh, what a relief, because whenever i fly i totally always put my phone on Airplane Mode. I have to so i can hear every word of the safety demonstration. Space tell me how this seat belt device works again . So there are exits in front and behind me . On news you can use apparently theyve known for 20 your plate just years that Airplane Mode doesnt do anything, but they still ask last us to turn off our phones because airlines think people wont stop yapping on their cell stop get yourself i phones during flights, leading hear to more instances of air rage. You you know what else leads to instances of air rage . Raise being told that a transparently stupid and inconvenient rule is or for our safety by an industry bite who cant keep the doors on. Meanwhile, as many of you know, we are smack dab in the middle of lent, the 40 day period before easter when many christians give up meat and reflect on their faith by staring at your burger in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Well, according to the lent researchers over at food and wine magazine, eating alligator, beaver, and capybara are all ok for lent because alligator is considered in the fish family, and we can eat beaver meat, since they swim a lot in rivers, along with capybara. Were gettin pretty looseygoosey with the rules there. Look at that, the neighbors kid won the swim meet. Do we have Barbecue Sauce . Meanwhile, stingray experts were surprised to find that charlotte, a stingray with no male companion, is pregnant. Amazing, but not the most scandalous sex news about an animal named charlotte. We all remember that from charlottes web. Experts think this pregnancy may be the result of something called parthenogenesis, which is a type of asexual reproduction in which there is no genetic contribution by a male. Or what many women refer to as best case scenario. [cheers and applause] meanwhile, kfc the worlds finest purveyors of food by the bucket. The chicken chain is rolling out page the chizza, a Fried Chicken and pizza hybrid, that features two whitemeat, extracrispy Fried Chicken fillets with marinara sauce, mozzarella cheese, and pepperoni. 20. Well, this is clearly an irresponsible and baldfaced publicity stunt to try to get someone like me to eat it on tv and im in so here goes. Its unusual but good. I dont know how to describe it. Its like if a chicken had sex with a pizza on top of a new york city subway train. Well be right back with josh brolin. Okay, when you turn around, youre gonna see someone. May i have a turkey and cheese . Lets imagine that ll cool j has a bubble around him. Do we want to be inside ohh. Hey, im keith. There are some situations that young homeowners turning into their parents just cant handle. Yeah, there he is. Theres my nephew. Very cool. I got a video of him, uh, playing piano. Thats not how you take a selfie. Progressive cant save you from becoming your parents, but we can save you money when you bundle home and auto with us. Three, two, one. We dont need a countdown. Just take the picture. Shh. Shh. Three six nine. Ooh she fine. Hoping she can sing it to me one more time. To the window, to the window grab a pepsi wild cherry and get wild. luke this will be a gold mine of local intel. Just you wait. marci grab a pright. Ild cherry so, tell us about this corn festival . stylist 1 oooh you got your corn pudding. You got your corn chowder. marci so. Is it safe around here . stylist 2 sometimes. luke if a family of eight were to need a cold plunge, where would they find it . stylist 1 . And then they dip it in butter, then bam, it goes right in. stylist 2 . Really cute vampire bar. stylist 1 the reverend does like a blessing on the corn. luke donut shops. How far from here . marci no eyebrows . luke think of how light itll feel in the summer. Weve got to run. Eleven thousand more neighborhoods to go vo ding dong homesdotcom. New axe black vanilla . He like when i get dressed i live life with no stress he said thats my best flex new axe black vanilla. Get closer with the finest fragrances. Oh what a good time we will have you. Can make it happen. Try Dietary Supplements from voltaren for healthy joints. Marshalls buyers have a very particular set of skills. They can hunt down the latest trends. Double denim is back. So chic. And take quality very, very seriously. Ceramic. Theyre highly trained, deal making professionals. Who travel far and wide to hustle the best of the best for you. We get the deals, you get the good stuff. Marshalls. vo welcome to lobsterfest. Is your party ready . Ready to attack this new lobster shrimp stack . Ready for your lobster lovers dream to come true . Theyre two of ten lobster creations, only at lobsterfest. Plus, cheddar bays for days. But lobsterfest wont last, so hurry in. Overflowing with ideas and energy. Thats the San Francisco chronicle endorsing democrat katie porter for senate over all other options. Porter is easily the most impressive candidate. Known for her grilling of corporate executives. With deep policy knowledge. Katie porters housing plan has bipartisanfriendly ideas to bring homebuilding costs down. And the chronicle praises her ideas to end soft corruption in politics. Lets shake up the senate. With democrat katie porter. Im katie porter and i approve this message. Stephen welcome back. My guest tonight is an actor you know from no country for old men, avengers endgame, and dune. He now stars in dune part 2. How many men with you . 200. 200 . Do you realize what you are able to achieve with 200 men . Incredible fighters. Duncan said there were millions of them in the deep south. What are you waiting for . With thousands, you can take control of the entire planet. What are you afraid of . Stephen please welcome back to the late show, josh brolin. Nice to see you again. It is nice to see you again, too. Stephen we talk to each other fairly often. You get back to me once every couple of months. I always get back to you. I dont always get back immediately. The story is, you sometimes send me videos, usually when you are driving back from your ranch back to l. A. , you have hours on your hands. When i have nothing going on, i think of you. You have time to think about the important things. I am going to break open the timespace continuum. I reviewed Rebecca Ferguson last night, even though it is not getting broadcast till next week and she said you send these videos to everybody. I thought i was special. Stop accusing me of something i didnt do. She texted me last night knowing you and i communicate. She told me about that and we have a clip of how that went down. I texted josh brolin and he said you like sending weird videos of you fishing. Would you like to talk about this . Stephen i am surprised you brought this up. A couple of years ago, he just sent me a video of him driving back from some mountain. He is just driving. He sends me long, rambling, heartfelt videos about how he is feeling. If you can go get my phone, i am not lying. I have videos of him shirtless in the steam room. Dont play it, play it. Can you see that . Wait, the sounds. Stephen answer for yourself. Let me show you something. It has no sound, can you hold it up . Stephen that is what i sent back. It is just me and my boat. Look at how small the boat is. You are not getting paid well. The boat looks like it is going to sink at any minute. Stephen i am driving to my boat. I send you videos of myself and you send me stephen i am not comfortable shirtless. My wife laughs because if she