Another uncomfortable conversation with a you should get tested pie. Tell your partner you have a venereal disease with one of our delicious pizzas. Then personalize it by adding a side like our it stings when i pzone, sex was garlic knot a good idea, or crabs. Deliver the news with a you should get tested pie today because no one outpizzas the clap. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Snow big deal plus, stephen welcomes matt damon and Danielle Pinnock featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen thank you very much. Thank you, everybody. Welcome. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] i want to thank everyone in this brave audience right here, everyone in the audience who braved the cold outside to come in here and be even colder, because today, new york city was pummeled by a noreaster, including a heavy dusting on the marquee at the ed sullivan theater. Leading up to the storm, officials forecasted up to 8 inches of snow. Of course, as is usually the case, that 8 inches was more like a confident 5. But you know what they say. [cheering] i got a little something. But you know what they say. Its not about the depth of the snow, its how you plow it thank you. Back in the day, snow used to mean no school, but not anymore. Because instead, in new york, students had a Remote Learning day. As in, the chances of learning . Remote. The Early Morning snowstorm, is this true . It depressed turnout in an important special election today in new york the race to replace george santos. The candidates for that long island seat are republican mazi pilip and democrat tom suozzi. Its a showdown were calling mazi v. Suozzi, democracy kamikaze on long ozzy. Its gonna catch on. [cheering] no, thats okay. It doesnt deserve that. The republican has an unusual resume. Shes a local legislator and a registered democrat. A republican whos a democrat. Thanksgiving must be really hard. She gets in a fight with herself, then sneaks away from herself to get high in the garage. We dont know the results yet, right . We dont know anything, because we recorded this earlier, okay, but we do know the race was tight and the stakes are high. The g. O. P. Has a razorthin majority in the house of representatives, and they need all the votes they can get for their electionyear ambitions to impeach Alejandro Mayorkas or even President Biden. Long islanders could decide the fate of Congress Explains the first bill that suozzi has promised to pass h. R. 273 the beatles couldnt hold billy joels freakin jock strap. Now, a lot of people are looking at this as a bellwether for the president ial election, and one republican voter described her priorities. I supported mazi because i think shes a little tougher on crime. And to be honst with you, thats what the whole country is afraid of, the crime. We dont care about democracy. Thats already done. [laughter] stephen we dont care about democracy . Donald trump, i think ive found your new vp. Thats done. Democracyschemocracy. A lot of democrats voted early, in this election, so republicans needed a big turnout today, which is why they hatched a brilliant plan to get voters to the polls, even in the snow. Republicans here say if voters cant get to the polls, they have monster trucks at the ready to pick them up and get them to the polls. Stephen oh, yeah this tuesday, tuesday, tuesday, its special election monster jam live from long island, featuring the enfranchiser, el ballot loco, and governor kathy hochulsaurus oh, to quote the four words most often used to cancel vacations theres some covid news. We just learned that the cdc plans to drop its fiveday covid isolation guidelines. What . No isolation . Youve been telling us for years that we need to be mindful of infecting our friends and neighbors. They also announced the new cdc slogan j. K. , lolz. One of the reasons why this is such big news is because its the first loosening of covid isolation recommendations since 2021. Which was when they told us it was finally okay to leave our personal human hamster balls. So what do the new guidelines actually say . From now on, you are free to go back to your life if youre feverfree for at least 24 hours without the aid of medication, and your symptoms are mild and improving. So remember when youre riding in the elevator with todd from accounting and hes coughing all the way to the tenth floor, its fine as long as he was worse yesterday. Theres gonna be a new person. What else has changed . Theres gonna be a new person overseeing elections for the g. O. P. Soon. Because reportedly, Ronna Mcdaniel is stepping down as chair of the Republican National committee and donald trump wants to replace her with North Carolina g. O. P. Chair and coworker who just found out there was an Office Christmas party last year, michael whatley. But the really interesting story here is who trump reportedly wants to make cochair, none other than his daughterinlaw and woman who thought get out was a romcom, lara trump. Now, many folks are saying this choice reeks of corruption, and in response to her critics, lara released this statement. Well, i wont back down no, i wont back down stephen still slaps. As in i feel like im being slapped. Trump said this about the endorsement. Lara is an extremely talented communicator and is dedicated to all that maga stands for. She has told me she wants to accept this challenge and would be great every penny will be used properly. Yes, its true. Every penny will be used. Every penny. No, folks, listen. Every penny. Every peny. Every penny will be used properly. All the folding money will be misappropriated. Because daddys got legal bills. I say, why stop with lara . A future Trump Administration could have jared as chief of staff, ivanka as ambassador to the u. N. , and don jr. As head of the d. E. A. , the drug enjoyment agency. Folks are still rattled by trumps statement that he would encourage russia to do what it wanted to our nato allies. And im being told putin has pushed france out a window. Well, now we have an update from former National Security adviser and Colonel Sanders brother who went to kentucky fried law school, john bolton. In an upcoming book, bolton predicts that if trump is elected, nato would be in real jeopardy. I think he would try to get out. And you know he wouldnt do it to their face. He would just send nato one of those pizza hut breakup pizzas. This is such a shocking idea that President Biden took a break from succumbing to entropy to express his opinion. Its dumb. Its shameful. Its dangerous. Its unamerican. Stephen strong words, joe. And, coincidentally, trumps new campaign slogan. Oh, the ratings are in from the super bowl, and it was super in fact, super bowl lviii was the mostwatched program ever. Its no surprise. [cheering] no surprise. You had your football fans plus all the folks tuning in to catch a glimpse of a global megastar, tracker. Tracker your glasses were on top of your head the whole time. The game was watched by 123. 4 million average viewers. And who knows how many really hot ones. Oh, today is mardi gras today is mardi gras my friends. Happy mardi gras. Happy mardi gras. Tomorrow is ash wednesday, the first day of lent, which this year falls on valentines day. Which explains why one of the most popular gifts for catholic lovers is an empty box with the note you gave up chocolate for lent. And that is actually a budgetconscious choice this year, because cocoa prices have spiked to an alltime high. You can learn all about it in the new netflix crime drama narcocos. But the Biggest Candy news this holiday is that sweethearts is updating its famous valentines conversation heart candy. Fingers crossed theyve finally found the perfect ratio of chalk to baby powder. The actual change is to the text. Sweethearts will now offer special hearts with messages for people who are in situationships. Now, if youre not sure if your relationship is a situationship, its a situationship. Or if you add a third person, a menageawhatevs. The new situationship candy hearts look like this, with the tagline messages as blurry as your relationship. First of all, blurry text is a copout. Theyre clearly trying to find a way to unload all their misprints. Second, there are plenty of messages that could accurately describe your situationship, like miss u when drunk, were bored and both home for the holidays, and i will never know your middle name. We got a great show for you tonight my guests are matt damon and ghosts Danielle Pinnock. But when we come back, space news stick around. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by allstate. Youre in good hands. And my dignity. Get out of the way as if watching my team lose wasnt punishment enough. What are you looking at huh. Its a one speed. Hahaha. Hahaha. And if you have cut rate car insurance, odds are youll be paying for that yourself. So, get allstate and be better protected from mayhem. Like me. Hey, im walking here to help protect from hiv. I prep without pills. With apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. With one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. In studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. You must be hiv negative to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. Apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. Practice safer sex to reduce your risk. Dont take apretude if youre allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. Tell your doctor if youve had liver problems or Mental Health concerns. If you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. Serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. Some of the most common side effects include injectionsite reactions and headache. You must receive apretude as scheduled. Ask your doctor about longacting apretude. And prep without pills. Save at apretude. Com [traffic noise] [text message] lets ace this thing i got you coffee. Oh my god, what . You literally read my mind. Got you, girl. New axe black vanilla . He like when i get dressed i live life with no stress he said thats my best flex new axe black vanilla. Get closer with the finest fragrances. Who says you cant get everything you want . Like going for bold without going broke. And staying true to your taste while staying on budget. Who says rising costs means lowering the bar . Settling . No need. Get the brands you want, the prices you want, whenever you want. Tj maxx where you can always afford to be you to the maxx. Emergenc crystals pop and fizz when you throw them back. And who doesnt love a good throwback . emergenc crystals. Overflowing with ideas and energy. Thats the San Francisco chronicle endorsing democrat katie porter for senate over all other options. Porter is easily the most impressive candidate. Known for her grilling of corporate executives. With deep policy knowledge. Katie porters housing plan has bipartisanfriendly ideas to bring homebuilding costs down. And the chronicle praises her ideas to end soft corruption in politics. Lets shake up the senate. With democrat katie porter. Im katie porter and i approve this message. Stephen louis cato and the late show band, everybody. Happy mardi gras. Louis happy mardi gras. Stephen thats nice. [cheers and applause] happy, happy. [laughs] thank you, everybody louis, everybody over there, happy mardi gras. Louis happy mardi gras. Stephen weve got to pick up our heels. Laissez le bon temps rouler right now because tomorrow is lent. 40 days of sacrifice. Are you going to give up anything . Louis ehhh, probably tv. Stephen except cbs . Louis except for cbs. Stephen because weve got one of the stars of ghosts out here, Danielle Pinnock will be out here in just a moment. Have you seen ghosts . Louis havent seen it yet. Stephen is it scary . Not really scary. After that, we have a man we greatly admire, wonderful man, wonderful actor, oscar winner. Matt damon will be out here. Listen, does tv include streaming or just broadcast . Can you stream if youre going to give up tv . Louis i think it includes streaming. Stephen dont do that. Our dear friend taylor tomlinsons new netflix special have it all dropped. Its fantastic. After you watch this, watch it again. Watch taylor in after midnight coming up. Just about half an hour. Folks, i love space. Weve discovered so many Amazing Things up there stars, moons, clovers, horseshoes. And i like to tell you all about the latest cosmic developments in my segment space news [cheers and applause] first up, james Webb Telescope news my eyes are up here, perv. Stephen the james Webb Telescope continues to return astounding images from space, including this picture of n79, a massive starforming region, which they say is only 1,630 lightyears away, making it a close neighbor. Oh, you think theyre a close neighbor, then they have a pool party and invite the conroys and the wallaces but not you. What the hell, alan . You play harmonica in my dad band after nancy left you. Next up, aliens among us news you always knew. The surveypeople have been surveying and their Research Reveals 1 out of 3 americans thinks aliens live among us. While in the same study, 2 out of 3 americns said aliens do not live among you and i am an american human person. I enjoy sport and have blood. Please take me to taco bell for bean meat. They love the bean meat. [cheering] no. When asked who they think the aliens might be, a third said they feel a certain celebrity may not be from this planet. I couldnt agree more. Nice try, jeremy allen white. No human has abs in their armpits your abs have backup abs next up, hyperactive sun news im bored. Im bored. Im bored. Im bored. Im bored. Astronomers say that nasas tess telescope has spotted six exoplanets around a socalled misbehaving toddler star, explaining that these juvenile stars can be difficult to keep track of because of their hyperactivity, in the form of intense magnetism, more prevalent and intense sunspots and heightened solar flares. A toddler star also says it doesnt have to pee until you get on the highway. Then its like i have to pee and youre like, i asked you at home, and the star is like, i didnt have to pee then. So you find the filthiest gas station in the solar system and the star doesnt pee, and then your head explodes and thats what a supernova is. Next up. [cheers] somebodys raised a toddler. Next up, moon lander news who inspected these bolts . Stephen according to the latest reports, japans first moon lander has hit its target, but it appears to be upsidedown. Scientists hope to resolve the issue by deploying the space spatula. In other interplanetary lander news, a bittersweet milestone for nasa their Mars Helicopter ingenuity has been grounded for good after 72 flights. An image beamed to earth last week showed that a portion of one of the miniature whirligigs twin rotor blades had broken off. I gotta say, Rocket Science sounds a lot less impressive and smart when you use words like whirligig. Look,i dont wanna brag, but im a rocket scientist. Now if youll excuse me, i need to tighten the sproingdoingler on my twirlymagoo. To make it go whoo next up, asteroid sample news asteroid sample. Asteroid sample. Asteroid sample. Nickel. Stephen after a lot of trying, nasa has finally opened a canister that holds an asteroid sample, after it took four months to remove two stuck fasteners. These stuck bolts raise an important question. Who attached those incredibly strong bolts, and are they available to work for boeing . [applause] boing. Boing . Boing. Next up, space cleaning news [warbling] any given time, theres all kinds of space junk floating around the earth waiting to burn up in the atmosphere. Case in point, after being launched by europe in 2011, this giant satellite is set for a fiery reentry after 13 years of orbital creep. Scientists say this is the worst orbital creep since rick. Well be right back with matt damon vo welcome to lobsterfest. Is your party ready . Ready to attack this new lobster shrimp stack . Ready for your lobster lovers dream to come true . Theyre two of ten lobster creations, only at lobsterfest. Plus, cheddar bays for days. But lobsterfest wont last, so hurry in. To help protect from hiv. I prep without pills. With apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. With one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. In studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. You must be hiv negative to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. Apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. Practice safer sex to reduce your risk. Dont take apretude if youre allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. Tell your doctor if youve had liver problems or Mental Health concerns. If you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. Serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. Some of the most common side effects include injectionsite reactions and headache. You must receive apretude as scheduled. Ask your doctor about longacting apretude. And prep without pills. Save at apretude. Com [ ] how you feel can be affected by the bacteria in your gut. And prep without pills. Try new align probiotic bloating relief plus food digestion. 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