Im on percocet. Get in here, pat. I wanna get funky. Mr. Gorbachev, i can see sounds. Read my lips. Im on ketamine. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Bar none plus, stephen welcomes rupaul and Yuval Noah Harari. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen thank you very much very much. Well come down here, up there, all around the world to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] the big story today is the Supreme Court once again shoving their gavels up the election. Longtime viewers of america will remember that colorado kicked trump off the ballot because of the whole launching a violent coup so he could stay in office, violating the 14th amendments insurrection clause. Well, today, the Supreme Court said trump can stay on all state ballots in a unanimous ruling. [booing] i agree. It is a ruling that i will remind you no one has to follow, because last week, i declared the Supreme Court unconstitutional. [cheering] youre getting that right . Fact check that one. So states, feel free to kick him off your ballot tell em colbert said it was okay. I got your back. Youre dealing with me now. The justices claim that since different states have different standards for what would qualify as insurrection, conflicting state outcomes would lead to chaos. Yes, the Supreme Court knows you cant just let states decide who goes on their ballots. States are too busy deciding that life begins in the freezer section. Next to the pearl onions. You know. Life. So. Anyway, heres the scotus rationale. The majority says that disqualifying a candidate for insurrection can only occur when Congress Passes legislation. Okay, quick question. If congress does decide to pass that legislation to disqualify a candidate for insurrection, what if he sends his mob to Storm Congress to stop them from passing that legislation . Does that count as insurrection . Or do they have to pass more legislation about that before the next mob shows up . Im just asking, because clearly you guys havent put any thought into any of this stuff. Okay, you gotta think it through. Theres steps. Im just sayin. Donald trump had two rallies this weekend. One in virginia and one in North Carolina. But the two speeches had one unifying theme. His brain is broke. Here he is in greensboro talking about how the u. S. Doesnt need to import oil from petrostates. We are a nation that just recently heard that saudi arabia and russia will rebedur. Ahhhh. [laughter] stephen im not entirely sure whats going on there, but apparently he cant even say the word russia without climaxing. [cheering] last week, there was a big speech from vladimir puuu. Oh oh oh nappy time. The former president continued. Can we be Energy Independent . Can we be energy dominant again . Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And quickly, says President Trump. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And quickly. [laughter] stephen is he giving a speech or reading a book to toddlers . Oh, yes. Oh, yes, said President Trump with golden hair and a mushy rump. All the words that i can manage because of all of my brain damage. Oh that wasnt the only time trump struggled with geography. In venezuela, did you just see, maduro, venezuhwhereuh, its unbelievable. Stephen yes, the nation of venezuhwhereuhunbelievable. Located just north of whereaguay, and perwho . Trumps speeches werent all demented word slurry. He also did the completely normal thing of describing a graph that no one can see. Within two years, we were so far above saudi arabia and russia, which were number one and two, you have to see the chart. Theyre like this. And were like, diiiiing, boom stephen oh. I know this one. Diiiiiing, boom. [star wars theme] ding, ding, ding ding, boom. Ding, ding, ding, ding, boom. Ding, ding, ding, whale. Trump also ranted about the Georgia Election fraud case, specifically, prosecutor fani willis. I was indicted by fani in georgia, fani. And her lover, nathan wade. And they hired him for almost a Million Dollars because of his great, great experience. Of course, he didnt have any experience. He had experience in something else. You know that . A lot of experience. Stephen i have a question. Has he had sex . What is this . What is this . Is he honking a horn . Knock, knock whos there . Sex. Sex. Honk, honk. Sign the nda. While talking about fani willis, trump brought up his own personal life. I happen to have a very Good Relationship with a woman called melania. Stephen no normal person refers to their spouse that way. I now pronounce you husband and a woman called wife. Trump wasnt the only one at his rallies who struggled with english. So did his warmup acts. Like the Virginia State senator who tried to kick things off with the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the to the of the United States of america. Stephen [whistles] flag on the play. Flag to the flag [applause] there are four of the the big stripey things right behind you ya numbnut. Things werent better in North Carolina, when this woman tried to sing the national anthem. Through the perilous fight oer the ahhh we watched stephen through the what what is going on at trumps rallies . At this point, i think they should check for a gas leak. Even worse, somehow, was one of trumps fellow speakers, North Carolina congresswoman and cockatiel watching you walk toward its cage with a blanket, virginia foxx. Foxx said this. Let me make something crystal clear. I dont have president i have President Trumps back because he has my back. Im with tresident trump because he has your back. Stephen okay. Sounds like a flub, but its not. A tresident is merely a president whos committed treason. [cheering] [musical flourish] at one point, trump mentioned North CarolinaLieutenant Governor mark robinson, robinson is currently running for governor. Among other things, robinson is known for his use of antisemitic tropes, and the prediction that rising acceptance of homosexuality would lead to the end of civilization as we know it. It is true. Compassionate acceptance of people you disagree with destroys civilizations. Wee all seen planet of the apes. You maniacs you let a gay couple register at crate and barrel stephen thank you, chuck. We miss you, chuck. We miss you, chuck. Now the candidate robinson is black, and at the rally, trump said this about him. I heard him coming in on the plane. I was listening and i said to the people in the plane, watch this. This is Martin Luther king on steroids. Stephen yeah. People dont talk about it, but a lot of the moral leaders of the 20th century were juicing. Mlk had sixpack abs, gandhi could squat 600 pounds, and by the end of her life, Mother Teresa was calcut on steroids. Shes on steroids. Trumps campaign is really trying to appeal to minorities. But that requires being appealing, but instead, Trump Supporters have been creating and sharing aigenerated fake images of black voters to encourage African Americans to vote republican. [booing] like this photo of trump surrounded by black supporters which, obviously, is fake. You can tell because this man is missing half of a finger and this mans hat says Something Like meeaw a schnaa. Then theres this deepfake photo of a black man allegedly canvassing for trump. Looks fairly normal until you realize the guy hes talking to has three arms. Its weird. On the one hand, this is blatantly dangerous. On the other hand, new Technology Makes these kind of fakes easier. And on the third hand. Why does he have a third hand . Were learning more about trumps first term in the white house. And spoiler alert, not great. About a month ago, the Defense Department issued a report about the lax drug controls in the trump white house. One person who worked in the pharmacy described their policies this way. Things were pretty loose. Whatever someone needs, we were going to fill this. Coincidentally, don jr. S Secret Service code name someone. Now, weve found out since then which drugs they were taking and apparently Trumps White House was awash in speed and xanax. So why xanax . Becae theyre all on speed. But why speed . Well, one former staffer explained it this way, i had a lot going on in my life and i wanted some. Perfectly reasonable. It reminds me of that famous slogan. Dare to keep kids off drugs unless they want some. We got a great show for you tonight my guests are rupaul and sapiens author Yuval Noah Harari. But when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Thank you announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by always ultra thins with the rapid drying technology that absorbs two times faster than the leading store brand. What do i see in peter dixon . I see my husband. The father of our girls. I see a public servant. A man who served under secretary clinton in the state department. Where he took on the epidemic of violence against women in the congo. I see a fighter, a tenacious problemsolver. Who will go to congress and protect abortion rights and our democracy. Because he sees a Better Future for all of us. Im peter dixon and i approved this message. Stephen hey, everybody give it up for louis cato and the late show band. We have two amazing guests tonight. We have come as you know, the book sapiens, we have Yuval Noah Harari with his new book unstoppable us. Coastal before that we have a force of nature in the end of his self. Rupaul will be out here in just a moment. Lovely. And special announcement, this is breaking news. The late show will be live this thursday after bidens state of the union. Do join us. [applause] because when were live and i [bleep] up, we cant change it like believing the word [bleep] up. If you watch the show, you know i spend most of my time right over their sourcing the days finest news cotton then weaving the most topical stripe motif into the fluid texture of the fabric on my story loom and handcutting and tailoring it with a provocative femininity and adding a canvas draw string and knit logo to create for you the delicate yet iconic miu miu jacquard ponge boxer shorts that are my monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, i am spat naked out of a runoff sluice after passing out in a Sewage Treatment plant, then stumble through a derelict construction site where i rip the tarp off a cement mixer and yank a discarded kite string out of the teeth of an abandoned snowblower so i can gird my loins with the scrapheap banana hammock of news that is my segment. Meanwhile [cheers and applause] stephen right there. That is palliative care. Meanwhile, in nashville, a christian nightclub has opened where theres no twerking, no drinking, and no smoking. But they do demand you dress well. As the organizers put it, when you pull up, we expect to see you in your holiest drip. Oh, i gotta hit this place up. As a catholic, we know how to arrive in the holiest of drips. Okay . The bishop of rizz the servant of god being serving and [bleep] im just saying. The pope is fully snatched. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, in breaking cookie news, oreo will debut two new flavors inspired by mud pie and tiramisu. Why . Why . Oreos dont need new flavors. Theyre already the perfect combination of chocolate and shame. Meanwhile, dune 2 star and friend of the show Rebecca Ferguson has internet sleuths abuzz. You see, on a recent podcast, she alluded to an old colleague, saying, i did a film with an absolute idiot of a costar, and this human being was being so insecure and angry that i got screamed at, and i would cry walking off set. Which caused the internet to explode with speculation about who that costar could be. But you know rebecca and i are besties, and im in the biz, so i already now. Kind of an open secret that this person is a moody, unstable jackwad. Of course im talking about Rebecca Fergusons costar from men in black international. Pawny the tiny alien warrior. Apologize, bastard i swear to god, i will shove you up a horse, you little suppository [laughter] what am i doing here . What was i talking about . Anyway. Meanwhile, in massive red flag news, a tech worker wore apples creepy vision pro headset during his wedding photo, much to his wifes dismay. I assume he got them so he can experience an artificial reality where hes still married. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, for one day only here in new york, Rockefeller Plaza will be renamed Olivia Benson plaza in honor of the 25th anniversary of the show law order svu. 100 . 100 . Its the biggest tv character takeover of a new york landmark since the 80s renaming of the alfpire state building. Meanwhile, news from the world of baseball, where the Philadelphia Phillies are scrapping their 1 hot dog nights following unruly fan behavior after the field was sullied because fans began chucking their meat during a game. Hey, come on. You cant blame anyone for chucking their meat when the philly phanatic keeps flaunting all that junk in the trunk. [laughter] meanwhile, the diner booth from the final scene of sopranos is up for auction on ebay. Now people are making a lot of easy jokes about this, but theres a lot to unpack here, and some may have strong opinions because theyre so emotionally invested. But i believe [cheering] meanwhile, in mexican volcano news, mexicos popocatepetl volcano and i trust im mispronouncing that correctly erupted 13 times in one day and mexicos National DisasterPrevention Center urged people not to try to climb it. Well, yeah. Do you really need to tell people not to climb the active volcano that erupted 13 times today . Do you also need signs warning people do not stick penis into beehive. Well be right back with rupaul its hard to run a business on your own. Make it easier on yourself. With shopify, you can have your inventory, payments, and customers in sync across all the places you sell. Start your journey with a free trial today. What is cirkul . Cirkul is the fuel you need to take flight. Cirkul is the energy that gets you to the next level. Cirkul is what you hope for when life tosses lemons your way. Cirkul, available at walmart and drinkcirkul. Com. I have type 2 diabetes, but i manage it well jardiance its a little pill with a big story to tell i take oncedaily jardiance at each days start as time went on it was easy to see im lowering my a1c jardiance works twentyfour seven in your body to flush out some sugar. And for adults with type 2 diabetes and known Heart Disease, jardiance can lower the risk of cardiovascular death, too. Serious side effects may include ketoacidosis that may be fatal, dehydration that can lead to sudden worsening of kidney function, and genital yeast or urinary tract infections. A rare, lifethreatening bacterial infection in the skin of the perineum could occur. Stop jardiance and call your doctor right away if you have symptoms of this infection ketoacidosis, or an allergic reaction. You may have an increased risk for lower limb loss. Call your doctor right away if you have symptoms of infection in your legs or feet. Taking jardiance with a sulfonylurea or insulin may cause low blood sugar. Jardiance is really swell the little pill with a big story to tell i launched our campaign at this union hall. The little pill lets go win this thing then we hit the road and never stopped. You shared with me your frustration at working harder to barely get by and afford a place to live. Your fears for our democracy and freedoms and your dreams for yourself, your family, and the future. It is not too late to realize those dreams. Im adam schiff, and i approve this message because together we can still get big things done. When Peter Dickson led my platoon into combat in afghanistan, he cared about two things completing the mission, and making sure his marines came home. And we all did. Petes always fought for what he believes in, and i know hell do the same in congress for affordable housing, the rights of women, and the democracy he swore to protect. Because helping people who need it has always been petes mission. And i know hell get it done. Next Generation Veteran Fund is responsible for the content of this ad. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, who my first guest is a 14time emmy award winner, a pop culture icon, and the queen of drag. Please welcome back to the late show, rupaul [cheers and applause] rupaul i love it. I love it. I wish we could just dance. I love to laugh and i loved to dance. Stephen sure. Rupaul you are a good dancer. Stephen thats very kind of you to say. Rupaul you are . Stephen i do enjoy myself. I was second best allaround dancer at my cotillion in middle school. Rupaul youre kidding. Stephen not kidding. Rupaul i won best dancer in the ninth grade and best afro when i used to have hair but i have plenty of afros at the house. Stephen if i want to drop by . Rupaul yes. Stephen you just regionally picked up your 14th emmy. There you are. [cheering] rupaul thank you, thank you. Stephen 14. Is it old hat at this point . How do you celebrate . Rupaul no, its not old hat. I get to work with my friends. I met these guys in the east village. New york in 1985 and i still work with them today. And we get to have so m