Medical unit was like the wild west and staffers often had easy access to powerful stimulants and sedatives with little oversight. But this isnt the first time the white house has been awash in drugs. Because people have got to know whether or not their president s on crack. Well, im not on crack. Im on percocet. Get in here, pat. I wanna get funky. Mr. Gorbachev, i can see sounds. Read my lips. Im on ketamine. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Bar none plus, stephen welcomes rupaul and Yuval Noah Harari. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen thank you very much. Welcome down here, up there, all around the world to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] the big story today is the Supreme Court once again shoving their gavels up the election. Longtime viewers of america will remember that colorado kicked trump off the ballot because of the whole launching a violent coup so he could stay in office, violating the 14th amendments insurrection clause. Well, today, the Supreme Court said trump can stay on all state ballots in a unanimous ruling. [booing] i agree. It is a ruling that i will remind you no one has to follow, because last week, i declared the Supreme Court unconstitutional. So. [cheering] youre getting that right . Fact check me on that one. I did that, right . So states, feel free to kick him off your ballot tell em colbert said it was okay. I got your back. Youre dealing with me now. That was just the constitution. Youre dealing with me now. The justices claim that since different states have different standards for what would qualify as insurrection, conflicting state outcomes would lead to chaos. Yes, the Supreme Court knows you cant just let states decide who goes on their ballots. States are too busy deciding that life begins in the freezer section. Next to the pearl onions. Now. You know. Life. So, anyway, heres scotus basic rationale. The majority says that disqualifying a candidate for insurrection can only occur when Congress Passes legislation. Okay, quick question. If congress does decide to pass that legislation to disqualify a candidate for insurrection, what if he sends his mob to Storm Congress to stop them from passing that legislation . Does that count as insurrection . Or do they have to pass more legislation about that before the next mob shows up . Im just asking, because clearly you guys havent put any thought into any of this stuff okay, you gotta think it through. Okay, theres steps. Im just sayin. Donald trump had how many . Two rallies this weekend. One in virginia and one in North Carolina. But the two speeches had one unifying theme. His brain is broke. Here he is in greensboro talking about how the u. S. Doesnt need to import oil from petrostates. We are a nation that just recently heard that saudi arabia and russia will rebedur. Ahhhh. [laughter] stephen not entirely sure whats going on there, but apparently he cant even say the word russia without climaxing. [cheering] last week, there was a big speech from vladimir puuu. Oh oh oh oh nappy time. The former president continued. Can we be Energy Independent . Can we be energy dominant again . Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And quickly, says President Trump. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And quickly. [laughter] stephen is he giving a speech or reading a book to toddlers . Oh, yes. Oh, yes, said President Trump with golden hair and a mushy rump. All the words that i can manage because of all of my brain damage. [cheering] oh that wasnt the only time trump struggled with geography. In venezuela, did you just see, maduro, venezuhwhereuh, its unbelievable. Stephen yes, the nation of venezuhwhereuhunbelievable. Located just north of whereaguay, and perwho . Trumps speeches werent all demented word slurry. He also did the completely normal thing of describing a graph that no one can see. Within two years, we were so far above saudi arabia and russia, which were number one and two, you have to see the chart. Theyre like this. And were like, diiiiing, boom stephen oh. I know that one. Diiiiiing, boom. [star wars theme] ding, ding, ding ding, boom. Ding, ding, ding, ding, boom. Ding, ding, ding, whale. [applause] trump also ranted about the Georgia Election fraud case, specifically, prosecutor fani willis. I was indicted by fani in georgia, fani. And her lover, nathan wade. And they hired him for almost a Million Dollars because of his great, great experience. Of course, he didnt have any experience. He had experience in something else. You know that . A lot of experience. Stephen i have a question. Has he had sex . What is this . What is this . Is he honking a horn . Knock, knock whos there . Sex. Sex. Honk, honk. Sign the nda. While talking about fani willis, trump brought up his own personal life. I happen to have a very Good Relationship with a woman called melania. [cheers] stephen no normal person refers to their spouse that way. I now pronounce you husband and a woman called wife. Now, trump wasnt the only one at his rallies who struggled with english. So did his warmup acts. Like the Virginia State senator who tried to kick things off with the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the to the of the United States of america. Stephen [whistles] flag on the play flag to the flag [applause] there are four of the the big stripey things right behind you ya numbnut. Things werent better in North Carolina, when this woman tried to sing the national anthem. Through the perilous fight oer the ahhh we watched stephen through the what . Through the wahwah . What is going on at trumps rallies . At thiint, i think they should check for a gas leak. Even worse, somehow, was one of trumps fellow speakers, North Carolina congresswoman and cockatiel watching you walk toward its cage with a blanket, virginia foxx. Foxx said this. Let me make something crystal clear. I dont have president i have President Trumps back because he has my back. Im with tresident trump because he has your back. Stephen okay. Sounds like a flub, but its not. A tresident is merely a president whos committed treason. [cheering] [musical flourish] at one point, trump mentioned North CarolinaLieutenant Governor mark robinson, robinson is currently running for governor. Among other things, robinson is known for his use of antisemitic tropes, and the prediction that rising acceptance of homosexuality would lead to the end of civilization as we know it. It is true. Compassionate acceptance of people you disagree with destroys civilizations. Weve all seen planet of the apes. You maniacs you let a gay couple register at crate and barrel stephen thank you, chuck. We miss you, chuck. We miss you, chuck. Now, the candidate robinson is black, and at the rally, trump said this about him. I heard him coming in on the plane. I was listening and i said to the people in the plane, watch this. This is Martin Luther king on steroids. Stephen yeah. People dont talk about it, but a lot of the moral leaders of the 20th century were juicing. Mlk had sixpack abs, gandhi could squat 600 pounds, and by the end of her life, Mother Teresa was calcut on steroids. Shes on steroids. Trumps campaign is really trying to appeal to minorities. But that requires being appealing, but instead, Trump Supporters have been creating and sharing aigenerated fake images of black voters to encourage African Americans to vote republican. [booing] like this photo of trump surrounded by black supporters which, obviously, is fake. You can tell because this man is missing half of a finger and this mans hat says Something Like meeaw a schnaa. Then theres this deepfake photo of a black man allegedly canvassing for trump. Looks fairly normal until you realize the guy hes talking to has three arms. Its weird. On the one hand, this is blatantly dangerous. On the other hand, new Technology Makes these kind of fakes easier. On the third hand. Why does he have a third hand . Uh, were learning more about trumps first term in the white house. And spoiler alert, not great. About a month ago, the Defense Department . The Defense Department issued a report about the lax drug controls in the trump white house. One person who worked in the pharmacy described their policies this way. Things were pretty loose. Whatever someone needs, we were going to fill this. Coincidentally, don jr. S Secret Service code name someone. Now, weve found out since then which drugs they were talking about and apparently Trumps White House was awash in speed and xanax. Why xanax . Because theyre all on speed. But why speed . Well, one former staffer explained it this way. I had a lot going on in my life and i wanted some. Perfectly reasonable. It reminds me of that famous slogan. Dare to keep kids off drugs unless they want some. We got a great show for you tonight my guests are rupaul and sapiens author Yuval Noah Harari. But when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by sponsored by mcdonalds. Wcdizer 3000. Assemble wcdonalds sauce win the day sfx [game chimes] sfx [monster roars] try new savory chili wcdonalds sauce. Only at wcdonalds. like overpriced concessions. at metro, theres no exploding bills and nada yada yada. Only at metro. Detect this living with hiv, craig learned he can stay undetectable with fewer medicines. Thats why he switched to dovato. Dovato is a complete hiv treatment for some adults. No other complete hiv pill uses fewer medicines to help keep you undetectable than dovato. Detect this leo learned that most hiv pills contain 3 or 4 medicines. Dovato is as effective with just 2. If you have hepatitis b, dont stop dovato without talking to your doctor. Dont take dovato if youre allergic to its ingredients or taking dofetilide. This can cause serious or lifethreatening side effects. If you have a rash or allergic reaction symptoms, stop dovato and get medical help right away. Serious or lifethreatening lactic acid buildup and liver problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver problems, or if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or considering pregnancy. Dovato may harm an unborn baby. Most common side effects are headache, nausea, diarrhea, trouble sleeping, tiredness, and anxiety. Detect this you could stay undetectable with fewer medicines. Ask your doctor about dovato. When your gut is out of balance, your body gives you signs. So if youre frustrated with occasional bloating. [stomach noises] gas. Or abdominal discomfort. Help stop the frustration and start taking align every day. Align probiotic was specifically designed by gastroenterologists to help relieve your occasional digestive upsets. So you can enjoy life. When you feel the signs, its time to try align. [music playing] yall ready . Ready. You can make money the hard way as a bullfighter or a human cannonball. Or save money the easy way, with xfinity mobile. Existing customers can get a free line of our most popular unlimited plan for a year not only will you save hundreds but youll also be joining millions who have connected to americas most reliable 5g network. Sure is a lot safer than becoming a stuntman for money. Get a free line of unlimited intro for a year when you buy one unlimited line. Visit xfinitymobile. Com today to learn more. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Give it up for louis cato and the late show band. We have two amazing guests tonight. We have, if you know the book sapiens, we have Yuval Noah Harari is here with his new book unstoppable us. And before that, we have a force of nature in and of hisself. Rupaul will be out here in just a moment. Quite lovely. And special announcement, this is breaking news. The late show will be live this thursday after bidens state of the union. Do join us. [applause] because when were live and i [bleep] up, we cant change it like bleeping the word [bleep] up. Its exciting. If you watch the show, you know i spend most of my time right over there, sourcing the days finest news cotton then weaving the most topical stripe motif into the fluid texture of the fabric on my story loom and handcutting and tailoring it with a provocative femininity and adding a canvas draw string and knit logo to create for you the delicate yet iconic miu miu jacquard ponge boxer shorts that are my monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, i am spat naked out of a runoff sluice after passing out in a Sewage Treatment plant, then stumble through a derelict construction site where i rip the tarp off a cement mixer and yank a discarded kite string out of the teeth of an abandoned snowblower so i can gird my loins with the scrapheap banana hammock of news that is my segment. Meanwhile [cheers and applause] stephen right there. That is palliative care. Meanwhile, in nashville, a christian nightclub has opened where theres no twerking, no drinking, and no smoking. But they do demand you dress well. As the organizers put it, when you pull up, we expect to see you in your holiest drip. Oh, i gotta hit this place up. As a catholic, we know how to arrive in the holiest of drips. Okay . The bishop of rizz the servant of god being served and [bleep] im just saying. The pope is fully snatched. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, in breaking cookie news, oreo will debut two new flavors inspired by mud pie and tiramisu. Why . Why . Oreos dont need new flavors. Theyre already the perfect combination of chocolate and shame. Meawhile, dune 2 star and friend of the show Rebecca Ferguson has internet sleuths abuzz. You see, on a recent podcast, she alluded to an old colleague, saying, i did a film with an absolute idiot of a costar, and this human being was being so insecure and angry that i got screamed at, and i would cry walking off set. Which caused the internet to explode with speculation about who that costar could be. But you know rebecca and i are besties, and im in the biz, so i already now. Kind of an open secret that this person is a moody, unstable jackwad. Of course im talking about Rebecca Fergusons costar from men in black international. Pawny the tiny alien warrior. Apologize, you bastard i swear to god, i will shove you up a horse, you little suppository [laughter] what am i doing here . What was i talking about . Anyway. Meanwhile, in massive red flag news, a tech worker wore apples creepy vision pro headset during his wedding photo, much to his wifes dismay. I assume he got them so he can experience an artificial reality where hes still married. Meanwhile. Meanwhile. For one day only here in new york, Rockefeller Plaza will be renamed Olivia Benson plaza in honor of the 25th anniversary of the show law order svu. [applause] 100 . 100 . Its the biggest tv character takeover of a new york landmark since the 80s renaming of the alfpire state building. Meanwhile, news from the world of baseball, where the Philadelphia Phillies are scrapping their 1 hot dog nights following unruly fan behavior after the field was sullied because fans began chucking their meat during a game. Hey, come on. You cant blame anyone for chucking their meat when the philly phanatic keeps flaunting all that junk in the trunk. [laughter] meanwhile, the diner booth from the final season of sopranos is up for auction on ebay. Now, people are making a lot of easy jokes about this, but theres a lot to unpack here, and some may have strong opinions because theyre so emotionally invested. But i believe [cheering] meanwhile, in mexican volcano news, mexicos popocatepetl volcano and i trust im mispronouncing that correctly erupted 13 times in one day and mexicos National DisasterPrevention Center urged people not to try to climb it. Well, yeah. Do you eally need to tell people not to climb the active volcano that erupted 13 times today . Do you also need signs warning people do not stick penis into beehive. Well be right back with rupaul im a bird stuck in larry birds attic. And im goin cuckoo. What the heck. What you got larry . May the best bird win. Brick. You may be a legend on the court but youre an amateur up here. Heads up lar. So get allstate. Save money and be protected from mayhem. Like me. Now youre the bird stuck in the attic. marci so, how long have you lived here . opponent over forty years. marci and how are the restaurants around here . Are they good, bad, meh . Whats the average Household Income . Is there a mall . I dont know. A hair salon . Where do you get your hair done . opponent you gonna move, or what . marci oh, im sorry. Its a lovely neighborhood. luke marci, weve gotta go. marci im coming luke weve got seventeen thousand more parks to visit. marci you wanna give me a hand . luke we bring you the best neighborhood info. vo ding dong homesdotcom. vo welcome to lobsterfest. Is your party ready . Ready to attack this new lobster shrimp stack . Ready for your lobster lovers dream to come true . Theyre two of ten lobster creations, only at lobsterfest. Plus, cheddar bays for days. But lobsterfest wont last, so hurry in. [car tires screeching] whenever heartburn strikes. Get fast relief with tums. Its time to love food back. Also available tums sleep support. oldest girl someday, ill be the first female president. Also available tums of the universe. middl