Take a pill. Then cheat on your wife with a porn star, pay her off to win the presidency, and then be forced to defend yourself in court. Its that simple. Then its off to dreamland. [farts] announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Courtroom drama plus, stephen welcomes John Leguizamo and laura coates featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen there you go. Nice. Please have a seat. Thank you very much. Very kind, you lovely people. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] im not surprised these people are in a good mood. It was a beautiful spring day here in new york city. 10 out of 10. Warm, sunny. A perfect day for donald trump to be stuck in a courtroom freezing his drowsy balls off. You know what . To be fair. He is somebodys little boy. But im sure his spirits were buoyed by the show of force today from his legion of maga supporters. When he arrived today, he was greeted at the courthouse by a single fan. Dad go get em, dad you can do it hug . The biggest story out of the trial continues to be trumps adventures in slumberland. And his team seems concerned. Today, trumps eyes were closed at the start of testimony, but his lawyer seemed acutely aware of how important his consciousness is to their case and kept glancing over at his client. Eventually, theyre just going to have to put him on a baby monitor. Oh, no. Hes on his stomach again. I gotta go flip him over. Hold on. Do we have a wedge . Do we have a wedge . The prosecution wants to show the jury that everyone involved in the hush money scheme knew just how critical it was to trumps 2016 campaign. To do that, theyve been getting testimony from Stormy Daniels former lawyer and man asking, so, how do you think this first date i going . Keith davidson. Prosecutors had davidson go through a lot of texts he sent about the hush money deal and asked several times to explain common internet abbreviations. In fact, at one point, he was compelled to tell the courtroom what wtf stands for. Okay. Of course, in any text about trump, it stands for wake the farter. [cheers and applause] allegedly. Allegedly we dont know. Trumps former lawyer Michael Cohen may or may not be a witness in this case, we dont know yet. But trumps lawyers claim that cohen shouldnt be protected under trumps gag order because on social media, cohen has taunted trump, cannot control his bowels. [laughter] sure, laugh all you want. I certainly do. But Michael Cohen is an adult. Its not like he came up with some childish nickname for the former president. Donald von [bleep]inpants. [cheers and applause] stephen i really didnt think id enjoy that as much as i just did. But show some respect, sir. Thats president von [bleep]inpants. That wasnt the only cohen social media post that trumps team objected to. The defense also shared an image cohen posted of trump in an orange jumpsuit, a moment that Court Sketch Artist depicted like this. Wait. Wait, if im in there, how am i out here . Quick tiny me in the box, Say Something only me would know. Dammit, i dont know anything. Should we, maybe. Kiss . Louis wow. Stephen oh, that part is upsetting . We found the line. Cohens taunting hits close to home because reportedly, trump has been privately horrified by the idea of being made to wear one of those jumpsuits. I dont blame him. Theres nothing more humiliating than trying to go to the bathroom in a jumpsuit. All of a sudden, youre fully naked in a stall at whole foods. Its a nightmare. Yesterday was a day off from the trial, so trump jetted off to wisconsin and michigan to perform his hit oneman show, complaining for applause. He held two rallies, and in waukesha, wisconsin, he addressed the divisive issue of abortion by saying its not divisive. In fact, Everybody Loves that he helped overturn roe v. Wade. But basically the states decide on abortion, and people are absolutely thrilled with the way thats going on. Stephen yes. Im being told we have footage. [booing] no, ladies and gentlemen. Im being told we have footage of one suburban voter being absolutely thrilled. [screaming] stephen even though. Even though trump says everyones on board with ending roe, he acknowledges that everyones not on board with ending roe. Let the states make the decision. Let the people decide. Some people will be happy. Some people will be okay. Some people wont be quite as happy. Stephen the guy wants to be a dictator, but as soon as its something people care about, hes like, its out of my hands. Yes, the asteroid is coming. But ive left it up to space and the states to decide where it hits. Some people will be happy. Some people wont be quite as happy. Some people will be crater. At one point, in the wisconsin rally. [cheers and applause] i got a little thing . A little of this . At one point, in the wisconsin rally trump gave a shoutout to a local Business Owner and said one particular word in a totally normal way. Were honored to be joined today by shanna gray, who owns a vaygan restaurant. Im not into the vaygan stuff i must say. Maybe you can convince me with that vaygan food. Were going to come and try that vaygan food. Stephen ill try your vaygan food. Its made with vajetables. Like broocoolee and ownyones, and cayrods, and my favorite porn on the cob. [laughter] im just. Folks, i love it. We all remember. We all remember when madonna sang like a vaygan. Shucked for the very first time. Then trump took a swipe at joe biden. You know when biden went to the beach all the time, hed go to the beach tuesday, wednesday. Somebody, one of his idiot consultants said he looks good in a bathing suit. Hes 81 years old. Historically cary grant didnt look good at 81 in a bathing suit. Stephen excuse me . Are you saying there was an age at which cary grant didnt look good . how dare you, sir. You know what . Im sorry. Jim, im gonna need the furious cam. Grr im so mad. And those totally inappropriate dancing hotdogs make me even more furious stop it stop it donald trump has said a lot of horrible things. But none worse than claiming cary grant did not look good in a bathing suit at any age hot dogs, as you were. When trump wasnt slandering bygone heroes of the silver screen, he was doing party tricks. Here he is asking the crowd for a pen. Give me a pen. Somebody. Come on. Give me a pen. I gotta get a pen. Lets go. Yeah, good, just throw it up here. [laughter] give me a pen please. You think biden can bend down like that . I dont think so. Stephen this. This is where we are as a country. The presidency of the United States could well come down to which old man can pick up a pen. The debates are going to be scintillating. Im wolf blitzer. Our next question is for both candidates. Given persistent inflation, which one of you can climb into this doorless bathtub unassisted . Please. Heres a self lubricating catheter. We here at team late show have been following the tragic career suicide of south dakota governor and talbots mannequin you could swear just blinked, kristi noem. Noem bragged in her memoir that she shot her 14monthold puppy as well as a family goat. [booing] and ill be honest, i was conflicted about whether or not i should keep talking about it, because unlike kristi noem, i dont like beating a dead horse. [laughter] noem went on hannity last night to defend herself. The truth of this story is that this was a working dog. It was not a puppy. Stephen thats right. Important distinction it was a working dog. So noem did not shoot her puppy. She shot her employee. Now, noem says. [applause] noem says shes actually a friend to mans best friend. Im a dog lover. Ive trained dogs for years. Ive been around hundreds of them, of course. Stephen although, before she got there, it used to be thousands. Oh, hey i know. Theres news coming out of boeing, and its about to land on your house. This time, a delta flight had to make an emergency return after an exit slide separated from a boeing aircraft. Thats right, even the exit slides dont feel safe on boeing planes. Ever since that plane yeeted a slide into the hudson, authorities have been looking for it. And now it has been found and this is true washed up at the home of a lawyer whose firm is suing boeing. [cheers and applause] louis wow. Stephen that is an incredible coincidence. Or boeing was trying to send a message. Reminds me of that scene in the godfather. Slide slide slide stephen we got a great show for you tonight my guests are John Leguizamo and from cnn, laura coates. But when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by allstate. Youre in good hands. [cheers and applause] stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Weve got give it up for the band. [cheers and applause] im out of here. My brain is gone. My brain is gone. One week back and im toast. Louis, i got distracted. I was thinking about please have a seat, everybody. Thank you very much. I got distracted thinking about our guests. From cnn, laura coates is going to be on to talk about the trump trial and many things. Before that, lovely fella, ive spoken to many times. Always a joy. Big fan and much respect for the gentleman. John leguizamo is going to be out here just moment. Folks, if you watch the show, you know i spend most of my time, right over there, harvesting the days finest zelkova news elm, to make a solid and topical story frame then adding a central lockplate with delicate brass fittings finely incised with myeongtae fish and seoye calligraphy to create for you the beautiful and timeless antique korean Joseon Dynasty pandaji tansu chest that is my monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, i wake up in an abandoned construction site still shaking from the salvia jitters and rip the door of an old portapotty which i drag over to the opening of a discarded igloo cooler and selfsoothe inside the junkies grumble trunk of news that is my segment. Meanwhile [cheers and applause] stephen its like an Isolation Chamber for the mind where, like, altered states. You can regress into a happy more primitive form of yourself. Meanwhile, hundreds gathered in new Yorks Union Square park this weekend to witness an anonymous man devour an entire jar of cheese balls. I understand everyones concern, but next time, id appreciate some privacy. Meanwhile, airbnb just released a new category called icons, which will allow travelers to rent carls house from the pixar film up, which was recreated room by room. So of all the Wonderful Worlds pixar has created for us, airbnb is letting you and your family stay in grieving widowers house from the movie with the most devastating opening 10 minutes in cinematic history. Okay, kids. Who wants to sleep on the big, empty bed where he cried himself to sleep. Meanwhile, Drew Barrymore accidentally left her sex list at Danny Devitos house. Barrymore admitted this while discussing the trend of folks making lists of people theyve had sex with. To which one high schooler responded, there can be enough for a list . [applause] meanwhile, arcade chain dave busters is planning to let customers place wagers on games. Perfect for anyone whos thought this Birthday Party of icecream and ragefilled nineyearolds isnt quite stressful enough. Whatdya say we make things interesting . Apparently, patrons will be able to place a 5 wager on the chains hot shots basketball game and skeeball competition, which they claim is to elevate the Customer Experience through innovative, cuttingedge technology. cause dave and busters is a hotbed of Cutting Edge Technology like ramp, claw, and air. Meanwhile, in poultryrelated perfume news, kfc is launching a perfume if you fancy smelling like fried chicken. You wanna smell like kfc, you dont need perfume. Just eat kfc. I had one drumstick in november and im still being followed by seagulls. [laughter] meanwhile, its a big week for softdrink innovations because the team of beverage scientists over at sprite labs has announced that the brands latest drink, sprite chill, comes with a cooling sensation thanks to its proprietary blend of cooling agents. Dont sell Food Products using the same language as engine maintenance. High viscosity sprite goes down smooth thanks to our patented compound of manifold lubricant. But if youre worried about imbibing a science project, take heart in the knowledge that sprites research and Development Team went through several rounds of trial and error with the new drink. Yes, they did blind taste tests until the testers stopped going meanwhile. [applause] [humming] according to a new study, alpaca sex is even weirder than you think. Oh, i doubt that. Pretty freaky. Apparently, scientists have found evidence that male alpacas have sex by thrusting their penises all the way up the females uterus. To which men everywhere said, pfff that is so weird because we all know its supposed to be. Different than that . [laughter] dog leg or something . I dont know whats going on. They got this part and they got that. Fun fact. [applause] i dont know. I dont know. Fun fact, male alpacas have long, thin penises that end with a hard cartilage tip, almost like a spear. So next time youre trying to tell a llama from an alpaca, if you see its penis, you are too close to that alpaca. [cheers and applause] meanwhile, a tourist has been fined for getting too close to a walrus in norway. Authorities say the man went out onto an ice floe and disturbed the walrus. How did he disturb the walrus . By describing alpaca sex. Well be right back with John Leguizamo ugh. Cabin crew cross check. That yellows not gonna fly. Buckle up whoa reality checkup theres toothpaste white, and theres crest 3dwhitestrips white. Whitens like a 400 professional treatment. [pilot] prepare for nonstop smiles. Crest. 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Ask your doctor about switching. We all need fiber for our digestive health, but less than 10 of us get enough each day. Good thing metamucil gummies are an easy way to get prebiotic, plantbased fiber. With the same amount of fiber as 2 cups of broccoli. Metamucil gummies the easy way to get your daily fiber. Head shoulders bare clinically proven dandruff protection with just 9 essential ingredients no sulfates, no silicones, no dyes. Dandruff protection, minimal ingredients. Job done. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back. My first guest is an emmy and Tony Awardwinning actor, writer, and comedian. He now stars in the green veil. I am more than this. Thats why i brought abigail into this house so that she would have something to do. I dont need something to do. I need purpose. I need some something to be. Fall into line. Speak i have to hear that one more time. Dont you ever make fun of me again. Dont you ever make fun of me again you dont know what im capable of. Dont push me. Im sorry. I just. Stephen please welcome back to the late show, John Leguizamo. [cheers and applause] john how are you doing . Whoo thank you. Whats up, whats up . Stephen mister, mister. John what an amazing crowd. How do you get such great people . Stephen i pay them. John oh, ive got some cash. Stephen mr. Leguizamo, was lovely to s see you. Please be too great to see you. You are my favorite latenight host ever. Stephen your very kind. Thank you very much. We do its not kind. Its real. Stephen much respect for you could end up being one of my favorite latenight hosts. Because you two weeks ago did a piece on the daily show and last year you did a week on the daily show. John they were making us compete against each other to see who is going to be the host after trevor noah left. They put us all along. I was number two. In the ratings. I didnt think i would have rated that high. Stephen who beat you . John do i have to say . Of course. I love al franken. Al franken was number one. Stephen senator al franken was number one. I was number two. Sarah silverman was number three. Stephen what do you think . The water is fine. Come on in. John you have 25 of the best political writers in america. Five of the best producers of that show. It was like driving a ferrari. It was incredible. Stephen what was your week . What was happening . John trump got indicted. [laughs] john best ratings. No offense. Our ratings were pretty good that week. John thanks for taking the shine off. That mightve had a Little Something to do with it. I thought i crushed it. Stephen you did crush it. You also wrote this in the Los Angeles Times recently, this was in november. You wrote this opinion piece there. It says cozying up to trump, univision is betraying its spanishspeaking viewers. How so . John its kind of insidious. Spanishspeaking only latinos watch univision and thats where they get their news and information. You should be impartial. You should be nonpartisan. And they are not. Its problematic to me. Stephen are they right wing in some way . John i have spoken off the record with some of the newscasters and they said that they were leaning they were pushing them right and they have trump on. They softball the whole questions. They wouldnt allow biden c