Absolutely. Its a scam. Its a scam. Thats not a trial. He shamed Martha Stewart for not testifying. She has to get up on the stand and she has to say i didnt do it. Im innocent. He said he would testify himself. I love testifying. I tell the truth. I mean, all i can do is tell the truth. But then his lawyers gave him some advice. A quiet aboutface. [farting] announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Bed bad and beyond plus, stephen welcomes Anya Taylorjoy and second gentleman Douglas Emhoff featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen hey have a lovely show. Please have a seat, my friends. Thank you very much. Welcome. Welcome o one and all to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, weve been talking about Donald Trumps hush money trial for five weeks now, and i for one am thrilled that he is not in court today and we can talk about anything else, like Donald Trumps classified documents trial. That one. That babys really heating up. Remember the classified documents case . With the Nuclear Codes offered as one of the toppings at maralagos waffle bar . Well, turns out, that scandal is exactly much worse than we couldve thought, because we just learned that his lawyers found classified documents in Donald Trumps bedroom four months after the fbi search of maralago. [booing] oh, my god. The only thing more shocking to find in Donald Trumps bedroom would be a current wife. [cheers and applause] what are you doing . So, these documents spent as much as four months right next to Donald Trumps bed. Explains why the stamp changed from classified to kill me. This new information is from a disclosure of an opinion right . A disclosure of an opinion written last year by u. S. District judge beryl howell, who was furious that trump still, inexplicably, had more documents, writing notably, no excuse is provided as to how the former president could miss the classifiedmarked documents found in his own bedroom at maralago. Now, to be fair, trump rarely goes into his bedroom. As weve recently learned, he does most of his sleeping in court. [laughter and cheering] the new disclosure also reveals that once trump realized that security cameras at maralago could capture his employees moving classified government information, he allegedly ensured they would avoid the cameras when moving boxes. Thats never a good sign. No one ever says, take these toy donations to the orphanage and [whispering] avoid security cameras. One footnote in the opinion was particularly jawdropping. The judge states that a trump adviser acknowledged scanning the contents of the box that contained the classified materials and storing them on a personal laptop. Could it be. Hunter bidens laptop . [laughter] no, this is way worse. There was one detail that conservatives have jumped on just to try to change the subject. The search warrant for the second raid down at maralago had language authorizing the use of deadly force in appropriate circumstances, which is boilerplate procedural text used by the fbi, which obviously i know because i work at cbs, home of fbi, fbi most wanted, fbi international, and fbi tracker. Tracker hell find four more fbi shows. [cheers and applause] i love you, tracker. Despite the fact that this is perfectly normal, republicans are claiming that the fbi was ready to assassinate trump. In fact, trump already sent out his fundraising email to his cult members. They were authorized to shoot me i nearly escaped death. Im sorry. You nearly escaped death . Which means you didnt . Thats right. I almost made it out alive. Now, im fundraising from heaven which for some reason is very, very hot, and theres nobody around here but my dear old friend jeffrey epstein. Hey, jeff. [applause] jeffrey epstein. All of his friends are here. Trump did attend court yesterday, and yet again did some very echoey complaining about the prosecutor. He came from biden. And i dont know if its biden cause i dont think biden has any idea what the hells happening. But its from the fascists that circle in the oval office, they circle the resolute desk. The beautiful resolute desk thats being stinked up. [laughter] stephen stirring words. It reminds me of that sign on Harry Trumans desk the stank start here. The former president also whined about colombianborn judge juan merchan. The judge hates donald trump. Just take a look. Take a look at him. Take a look at where he comes from. Stephen they dont make good judges in colombia. Colombia should stick to what theyre known for fleece jackets and affordable raincoats. I deserve a judge from one of the good countries like patagonia or northface. Earlier this week, trumps social media account put out a bit of disturbing content, it was a Campaign Video with a headline about a unified reich. Now, before you get too worked up, theres a simple explanation. Donald trump wants to rule over a unified reich. Now, trump eventually took down the video, but the Biden Campaign pounced on it. Whats next for america . Is this on his official account . Wow. A unified reich . Thats hitlers language. Thats not americas. He cares about holding on to power. I care about you. Stephen whoa [applause] wow, huh. Golly moses, theyre putting videos on the phones now . Thats crazy also unified reich . Come on, jackboot jack i cant understand a word of it its all fleebenleeben shnitzelstrudel. Its delicious, but its not american. Im joe biden, and i dont understand this message. Whats happening . Marco . Marco . That biden response got a lot of clicks, so the Biden Campaign wants to build on the new viral trend of handgrandpathephone. Because reportedly, theyre looking for a meme page manager. So look forward to some hot new biden social content, like ermahgerd turmp ers hertler i can has youth vote . And of course, for the very online, Skibidi Biden. Skibidi biden skibidi Skibidi Biden joe joe joe skibidi Skibidi Biden hitlers language trump trump trump is using hitlers language hitlers language trump is using hitlers language skibidi skibidi. [cheers and applause] stephen now. If you dont understand that video, your grandchildren will explain it. And you still wont understand. Oh, heres something thats not surprising at all. Its been nine years since the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage nationally, obergafeld. And according to a landmark new study, in that time samesex weddings havent harmed straight marriage. Well, duh. Everyone knew that at the time. Its like announcing, new study finds making love to wife doesnt get neighbor pregnant. Back before, ten years ago in 2015 before the ruling, back before it became the law of the land, dumb people made all sorts of stupid arguments against same sex marriage, including saying that legalization would inevitably lead to people marrying animals. Well, of course marriages between humans and animals did not come to pass, although i know one beautiful, Lifelong Union between a man and a worm. [laughter] why are you going aww . Do you feel bad for the worm . Oh, no. That worm has come down with bobby kennedy. Not only has gay marriage not been harmful, the study says that by extending marriage rights to a greater number of couples, interest in marriage increased for the broader population. Makes sense, once gay people get into something, it always becomes a trend. Like rupauls drag race, the music of lady gaga, or dressing like you have a shred of selfrespect. The report also found that after gay marriage was legalized, samesex households adopted more children and there was a drop in the rates of syphilis. Well, sure. cause once you have kids in the house, theres just no time for anything fun, like movies or restaurants or syphilis. And its almost pride month, so to celebrate, nbcs streaming service, peacock, is debuting a new lgbtq Nature Documentary called queer planet. Lets take a look at the trailer. Its clear that no matter where you look on our planet, nature is full of queer surprises. [laughter] stephen yowch were gonna have to update the birds and the bees. Kids, when two Bighorn Sheep love each other very much, they give each other a very special nut punch this is fun and this is joyful, so of course, conservatives are having a total meltdown over it, with one right wing twitter user calling it science revisionism for a satanic gay agenda. And another groused if animals were indeed gay, there would be no more animals. Yes so true, just like how since some people are gay, there are no more people. So thats queer planet on peacock, starting june 6th. But not to be outdone, netflix has Just Announced queer beagle for the straight eagle. We got a great show for you tonight my guests are Anya Taylorjoy and second gentleman of the United States, doug emhoff. But when we come back, the mysteries of pregnancy. You might learn something. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by allstate. Youre in good hands. A slow network is no network for business. Thats why more choose comcast business. And now, were introducing ultimate speed for business our fastest plans yet. Were up to 12 times faster than verizon, at t, and tmobile. And existing customers could even get up to triple the speeds. At no additional cost. Its ultimate speed for ultimate business. Dont miss out on our fastest speed plans yet switch to comcast business and get started for 49. 99 a month. Plus, ask how to get up to an 800 prepaid card. Call today [cheers and applause] Stephen Louis cato and the late show band, everybody, right there. Louis. Louis, my friend. Louis yes, my friend. Spirits of the really important, i have Something Back here. You all know what that is right there. Thats jon lampley on trumpet right over there. Jon. Tell me. Obviously its always a crowd pleaser to hold up a photo of you but why am i holding up this photo . Youre holding up that photo because my debut album Night Service live is out now. [applause] stephen thats lewis foucher. Yes. Stephen Night Service. Jon lampley. Go enjoy. Folks, being born, it is so hot right now. All the kids are doing it. Of course we love our moms, even though we have no idea how they made us. And apparently neither do scientists. Because basic understanding of pregnancy itself is full of gaping scientific holes. If youre doin it right. [laughter] those mysteries range from things like how the placenta forms to exactly what controls the timing of birth. We dont know what starts labor, but scientists can confirm that pregnancy begins by seeing a photo of jeremy allen white. I want to be clear. Im not pregnant that i know of but i know someone who is. So here to shed some light on the mysteries of gestation, my actual writer and certified pregnant human, Carley Moseley. Carley, come on out. There you go. Thank you so much. Carley thanks, Steve Stephen shakin for two. Carley, youre pregnant carley hang on, steve. I have an announcement. Im pregnant. Stephen wow, congratulations how are you feeling . Carley right now, im feeling good but by the end of this sentence, i might be feeling bad. Or great or just super itchy. Stephen that sounds pretty confusing. Carley it is. There are so many things we dont know or are just now learning about pregnancy. One new study showed that a mothers diet could determine a babys facial features in the womb, which is why some babies born to parents who work here at the late show look like this. Stephen okay. Makes sense. Carley and then there are all the weird symptoms. Im exhausted but i cant sleep, i have crazy congestion except when i have nosebleeds, and at the exact same time i both must and cannot poop. Stephen its so beautiful. I remember when evie was pregnant, she had a lot of different symptoms and anything she said to her doctor, he would just say yeah, yeah, thats totally normal. Carley yes, exactly. Normal symptoms of pregnancy include carpal tunnel, restless leg syndrome, changes in taste, and needing your boss to buy you a gift card to the apple store. Stephen im sorry. What was that . Carley or just, like, 600 bucks. Its a study i read in the new england journal of mama want a vision pro. Stephen carley, those cost like 3500. Carley well, then that, steve for just a second, i wanna go to an alternate reality where i can still see my feet. Stephen carley, im not gonna give you cash. I cant do that. Carley ooh, ooh, ow doctors say that disagreeing with a pregnant woman can trigger labor stephen no, they dont. Carley okay, well, i will remind you the exact trigger for the onset of labor isnt known, which is one of the reasons we cant accurately predict due dates. Stephen you said you were due in august. Carley well, maybe, steve could be august, could be october, could be a new years baby. And we dont even know which year for all i know, this thing could come stompin out in 2025 with a full set of chompers stephen carley, that is really unlikely. Carley okay, well, just to be safe, my Maternity Leave should probably be about 20 months. Stphen h. R. s never going to approve carley oh whoa stephen is the baby kicking . Carley i think theyre crying, steve. You wouldnt want to make a baby cry in front of the greatest audience in late night, would ya . [cheers and applause] stephen well look into it. I dont want to upset your baby, and i know that for the mother, there can be some dramatic emotional swings. Carley careful. Stephen unless there arent. Carley thank you. Stephen but well do everything we can to accommodate you during this magical and legally protected time. Is there anything else you need . Carley no, steve. Just talking through this stuff is help enough. Plus all those lunches you promised to send to my office. Stephen i did not promise to send lunches to your office. Carley i think its brave of you to admit that on national television. Be the change, steve for da baby. Stephen my writer, Carley Moseley well be back with Anya Taylorjoy. Tmobile savings, take one. Guys, focus. Heres the line. at tmobile, you get tons of benefits, and you can still save versus the other guys. focus hello tmobile. Hold on. You might want to just. Ok stop just say it like this, at tmobile, you can save on every plan, and you get great benefits with magenta status. Magenta status. Yuh ill show you my magenta status. Ok, ill just do it. Check out the tmobile savings calculator to see how much you can save. And right now, well even pay off your phone when you switch doodoodoodoodoo. Its time to feed the dogs real food, not highly processed pellets. The farmers dog is fresh food made with whole meat and veggies. Its not dry food. Its not wet food. Its just real food. Its an idea whose time has come. Feeling sluggish or weighed down . Could be a sign that your digestive system isnt at its best. But a little metamucil everyday can help. Metamucils psyllium fiber gels to trap and remove the waste that weighs you down and also helps lower cholesterol and slows sugar absorption to promote healthy blood sugar levels. So you can feel lighter and more energetic. Lighten everyday the metamucil way. Feel less sluggish weighed down after just 14 days. Sign up for the 2 week challenge at metamucil. Com geico can help when youre locked out with their easy app and 24 7 help. Dad, you dont have to make this so tough on yourself. Geico is sending someone to unlock our car right now. Yeah, but wheres the fun in that . Whatever you need, get more with geico. All set guys, here are your keys stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Folks, you know my first guest this evening from films like the Queens Gambit and dune. She now stars in furiosa a mad max saga. [gunfire] stephen please welcome Anya Taylorjoy. [cheers and applause] look at that. Anya thank you. Stephen there you go. Anya thank you. Stephen it is lovely to see you in person. We have spoken before but only over zoom. So nice to have you here. Anya you are from the my first interviews you treated me with such kindness and respect so thank you. Stephen well, that ends tonight. The free ride is over taylorjoy. I saw the film last friday. Unbelievably exciting thrill ride, just like mad max fury road was. Its a prequel, the younger version of the character furiosa played by charlies throne in fury road. Proposal but theres a younger version of you too in this, played by alyla . Anya alyla brown. Stephen she does a fantastic job. That i learned there was a little wizardry involved. She looks more and more like you as the film goes on. What happened . Anya George Miller had told me from the very beginning because he was already asking audience to get used to a new furiosa he wanted the transition from the two actors thank her to be seamless. So he made a composite of both of our faces. It worked on a dial. At the beginning of the movie is 35 me and mostly alyla and as the movie goes on it goes up to 80 until i take over the role completely. It is crazy seeing it on screen. Stephen it really works. Looks like as she matures she looks more like you. Stephen i was so excited about it have the Graphics Department see what would happey blended our faces. Anya is this going to scar me for life . Stephen i think its an improvement for me. Anya let me see. [laughs] whats going on with your eyebrows . Stephen what . I think they are your eyebrows. And your lips. Anyway, youre welcome. Anya thank you so much. Im going to frame them. Thank you. Stephen George Miller is known in these films especially for treating vehicles like characters. In the movie, they are very important. You do a lot of driving in this. Are