Not qualified to be the president of the United States, a president who was trying to buddy up with putin. Every time he was in the same room with him, he got weak in the knees. A president who was confused when he said that biden was going to run us into world war ii. Trump has gotten more unstable and unhinged. Thinskinned and easily distracted. Chaos follows him. Hes never known how to sacrifice and the most harm hes ever possibly had is getting hit by a golf when hes sitting in a golf cart. Thats the truth. Im nikki haley, and i will be voting for a convicted criminal. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. The stoned age plus, stephen welcomes Chris Hemsworth and james dyson featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen oh welcome home. Welcome one and all in here, out there, all the ships at sea. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its memorial day weekend the unofficial start of summer. So if youre still waiting to hit the gym to get that beach body, youve got about 24 minutes. Try huffing ozempic. People are expected to travel in recordbreaking numbers. Over the next week, evidently, tsa predicts it will screen more than 18 million travelers. Okay, so is it, um, i forget. Is it laptops in, shoes off . Laptops out, shoes on . Just to be safe, im gonna put my laptop in my shoes. Theres also news for folks flyin high on the ground because according to a new study, daily marijuana use has now outpaced daily drinking in the u. S. [cheering] heres the thing. This just came out. Some may be surprised by this, but as a new yorker, i am not. I smoke weed every single day, whether i want to or not, on the sidewalk, literally everywhere i go. [laughter] now remember, this is daily or neardaily use. cause in overall numbers, alcohol is still more widely used. So, congratulations, weekend binge drinkers. You still have the biggest problem. Even so, even though in overall number theyre way out ahead, this news has alcohol makers worried. Theyve changed their standard disclaimer from please drink responsibly to please drink. I think we all might need a drink, because im about to talk about the Supreme Court. [booing] specifically, Supreme Court justice and. [booing] and bowling ball who sees those fingers comin, samuel alito. Youll recall, alito got into some trouble when people found out that after january 6th, he displayed a symbol of the stop the steal movement, by flying an upsidedown American Flag outside his house. Alito took the high road and blamed his wife for this. Controversy over. And started again. Because weve now learned that a second flag carried by january 6th rioters was displayed outside a different house owned by justice alito. Thats right, a second flag at a second home. Alitos second wife better watch her back. [applause] the flag in question was a protrump symbol carried by many rioters at the capitol and that specifically supports a push to remake American Government in christian terms and is called the appeal to heaven flag. Heres a clear shot of what the flag looks like. Oh, my god. If thats a symbol of rightwing extremism, i think my cab driver this morning was radicalized i just. Watch out. Just be careful. Just be careful out there according to the new york times, the flag flew for several days at alitos Vacation Home on the jersey shore. We actually have footage of one of his neighbors reacting to the flag. I never seen that before. Thats a, i think thats a problem. [laughter] stephen thank you, citizen. The appeal to heaven flag is not a new flag. It was first carried during the american revolution, but its more recently been coopted by christian nationalists, specifically championed by a rightwing christian author named dutch sheets. Dutch sheets, of course, named after someone whos been hit in the head with a brick trying to remember the name of ikea. We gotta go to the place, uh, the dutch one with the sheets. After that, i think we should go to the hospital. We liked the name dutch sheets so much that we have another joke we want to do. Dutch sheets, of course also what its called when you fart over the covers. Louis hey. Stephen thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Peabody, please. Mr. Sheets made it his mission to promote this flag among rightwing nutjobulists, and its working because Speaker Mike Johnson has also hung the flag outside his office. When asked about it, he sai its George Washingtons flag. It has nothing to do with stop the steal. Yes, it does when a nearly forgotten symbol is brought back and widely coopted, you dont get to use it in the old way. If a guy named brandon says, actually, this swastika above my bed is referring to the ancient sanskrit symbol for good luck, hes a nazi, cheryl get out of there [applause] i dont care if his haircut is crisp. You know, the crisp haircut. Besides, mike johnson is a political figure. Its one thing if he wants to fly the team flag. Sam alito keeps saying that everyone on the Supreme Court is completely unbiased and nonpolitical i mean, theres nothing wrong if aaron judge wears a yankees jersey, but its different if the umpire does it balls and strikes, right . Balls and strikes. [applause] speaking of team players, former u. N. Ambassador and mom at the wedding who tried one of your cousins special gummy bears, nikki haley. Haley suspended her president ial campaign in march, but she refused to cave to the maga mob and did not bend the knee to donald trump. She stayed strong until yesterday, when haley said shes voting for trump in november. [booing] yeah, she folded like a paper plate on chili night haley announced her secret ballot in response to this question at an event in d. C. Who do you think would do a better job in the white house, joe biden or donald trump . As a voter. Stephen oh, that is the energy of a woman whose husband just asked honey, do you think i can wear the jean jacket with my jeans . [laughter] as a voter. Fresh off winning haleys vote, trump did an interview with a rightwing radio show cohosted by new York Grocery Store billionaire john catsimatidis, who, as you can see, modeled his look after his favorite deli counter item, boars head ham. Catsimatidis . Catsimatidis . Clean that up. Trump spent 20 minutes rambling a bunch of nonsense, including the idea that biden might drop out of the race. I doubt he will even be running. Frankly, i just cant even imagine it. Stephen i cant even imagine it. I mean, i cant. And ive got a lot of great imagination. Watch, ill imagine some stuff right now. Okay, hold on. Okay, im seeing a hot dog, im seeing a hot dog. Theres another hot dog. Whats that . Is that a sports car . Nope, its the weiner mobile. Everything is a hot dog. Its hot dog day. Not a bad day. [applause] really . Really . You guys. You guys are a cheap date. I like it. [cheers and applause] trump complained about a request that he says bidens team made for their upcoming president ial debate. We have a debate. I hear now were sitting at tables. I dont want to sit at a table. I said no, lets stand. But they want to sit at a table. So well be sitting at a table. Stephen i can see why he would want to stand. cause you sit him at a table and two minutes later, he is out cold. [applause] of course, the biggest news out of the Trump Campaign this week was trumps social media account sharing a Campaign Video with a headline about a unified reich. Yes, unified reich. The most fascist president ial ad since Dwight Eisenhowers ike leich reich [laughter] its a good look. The trump team eventually took down the video and blamed it on a junior staffer. Well, its now being reported that staffe is Trump Campaign aide and antique doll that moves closer every time you look away, natalie harp. Apparently, harp helps run trumps truth social account, but shes got an even more important job. You know those weird pieces of paper that trump carries around and then reads flattering quotes about him from . Those come from harp, because she carries a portable printer to quickly provide trump with hard copies of moodboosting news articles. And when she really needs his attention, she prints the positive news directly on a slice of bologna. Thats nice. Thats nice. There you go. You know if this feels like . Flat hot dog. This job has earned harp the nickname the human printer. I think its pathetic that its somebodys entire job to provide the big man with egoboosting compliments. Thankfully, i am the kind of secure, confident boss who doesnt need that. At least thats what theyre saying in all my printouts. Right, maya . [laughter] come on look sharp look sharp, maya daddy needs his happy page maya congratulations, sir. Stephen ahha yes, another piece of great news about me. Stephen colbert is preapproved for the amtrak guest rewards preferred mastercard. [cheers and applause] maya, everybody get out we got a great show for you tonight my guests are Chris Hemsworth and inventor james dyson but when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by mikes hard lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Please drink responsibly. [cheers and applause] Stephen Louis cato and the late show band, everybody. Louis, louis. Louis oh, stephen. Stephen this is the last show of the spring before we rocket into the summer. Please tell everybody who youve been graced with joining you on stage this week. Louis oh, my gosh, we have angie swan and threetime Grammy Nominated lakecia benjamin. Stephen lakecia, tell me whats going on here. Thats my new record coming out july 12th. [applause] s view on the album is called phoenix reimagined out july 1. Lakecia benjamin, everybody. And angie swan. Thank you for being here. Folks, if you watch the show, you know i spend most of my time right over there harvesting the finest jalisco news agave from the atotonilco story highlands which i distill twice in the most topical copper pots, then have it gently matured in french limousin oak casks by multigenerational agaveros to create for you the complex and refined cierto reserve extra anejo tequila that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, folks, i am fished out of a canal by a oneeyed garbage scow captain where i scrape apple cores and trash juice into a discarded bike helmet, then let it sit next to the boiler until i can chug the mindaltering bilge rot of news that is my segment. Meanwhile [cheers and applause] stephen oh, mine. Thats the only cocktail i need. The only libation daddy needs. Meanwhile, a new journalistic investigation went inside the penisfiller boom. Penis filler boom, by the way, is the scientific term for the sound produced when you overdo it with the penis filler. [laughter] apparently, a growing number of men are turning to fillers to expand their girth, specifically using hyaluronic acid, which explains neutrogenas new night cream, i dunno, just rub it on your junk . Hyaluronic . Hyaluronic. Hya meanwhile, the Mount Everest record just got broken again because sherpa guide kami rita is up to 30 ascents now. Look at that. Theres kami. He looks mildly pleased and definitely over it. Yeah, im good. Did it again. My kneecaps are now ritz crackers. Uh, if youll excuse me, im gonna go set the record for most not doing that again. even more impressive than the number of ascents is that he hit this record as a 54yearold damn Summiting Everest for the 30th time at 54 i need a nap after i summit the staircase to the jamba juice. Why did they build it at that altitude . Meanwhile, in new reality show news, hulus Virgin Island, will be a dating show for celibates. Virgin island, also the theme of the pizza party i threw myself instead of going to my prom. [cheers and applause] loneliness under the sea. Apparently, the idea is the show will host a bunch of hot virgins at an island resort, where they will look for the one. Good for them. It is so refreshing that in this time of meaningless hookup culture, there are still people who believe that there is something sacred about the act and want to save it for that very special streaming series with limited commercial interruptions courtesy of white claw. No law in the claw. Regardless of the criticism, everyone agrees, Virgin Island is quite a step up from their previous offering, dryhump peninsula. [laughter] meanwhile, an upcoming auction of movie memorabilia features the iconic ark of the covenant prototype used in the making of raiders of the lost ark, which is expected to fetch between 50,000 and 70,000. And im being told we have footage of the moment your wife finds out you spent your childs college fund on it. [screaming] found out. Meanwhile, wendys will now sell you a 50nugget bucket. Fun fact the bottom of the bucket comes with the number for the american heart association. Well be right back with Chris Hemsworth. [cheers and applause] when life spells heartburn. How do you spell relief . Rolaids rolaids dualactive formula begins to neutralize acid on contact. Rolaids spells relief. [ cellphone ringing ] phone call from the boss . Sorry. Outdoor time is me time. I hear that. Thats why we protect all your vehicles here. But hey. Nothing wrong with sticking it to the boss. Ooooh, flo, you gonna take that . Why would that concern me . Because youre. The. Arent you the. . Huh. We never actually discussed hierarchy. Ok, why dont we just stick to letting dave know how much he can save when he bundles his home or auto with his boat or rv. Wait, i thought jamie was the boss. [ laughter ] its funny because im not boss material whoa howd you get your teeth so white . You gotta use the right toothpaste dr. C . not all toothpastes whiten the same. Crest 3d white removes 100 more stains for a noticeably whiter smile. New personal best. Crest. To help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. With apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. With one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. In studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. You must be hiv negative, to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. Apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. Practice safer sex to reduce your risk. Dont take apretude if youre allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. Tell your doctor if youve had liver or kidney problems or Mental Health concerns. If you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. Serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. Some of the most common side effects include injectionsite reactions and headache. You must receive apretude as scheduled. Ask your doctor about longacting apretude. And prep without pills. Save at apretude. Com. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back ladies and gentlemen. You know my first guest tonight as a god, but now, hes descended from valhalla to star in furiosa a mad max saga. Please welcome to the late show Chris Hemsworth [cheering] Chris Hemsworth, isnt that pleasant . Lovely people. Lovely people. [cheering] [cheering] im afraid thats all we have time for, chris, thanks so much for stopping by. Lovely to have you by. First time ive had a chance to talk to you. Longtime fan. Youre a big old hollywood star. Lived in los angeles for a while . You got to go to the mothership every so often. Chris the boat from australia. Stephen thats how you got the muscles, rowing. What i admire about you is that you came in, you made your mark and he went back to australia. Thats lovely to be back where youre from. Didyou want to be with your family, you like the people more . Chris i love the people here. I lived there for about ten years. My wife and i had kids and i just got a little nutty. We were running out of things to do with them. My kids are incredibly active. See when they are incredibly active. You might if i show this . I love this. Thats your son jumping on a dirt bike. How old is he . Chris hes about seven then. Thats his brother underneath him. Stephen thats when i was hoping. How old is the brother . Chris seven. Theyre twins. Stephen thats bonding. Chris the crash test dummy. Has to be under the bike or sent down the jump first. We moved back to australia and we wanted to have more Outdoor Activities and so want to do with them. So we fished and serve. Stephen this is you and one of your boys. I assume thats the guide . A beautiful sailfish. Thats big for sailfish. Chris it took us about four days to catch. Stephen wait, what . You hooked it. Chris i didnt realtor for days. Stephen old man of the s sea. Chris the tenacity and my son. He was obsessed. Catching a big sailfish and we went five hours every day, three hours out in one direction, three hours back. Eventually cop the fish on the fourth day. Stephen thats an amazing feeling. Chris we shared the load. It was an amazing it wasnt an amazing feeling, the sailfish leaks a defensive sort of oil. I didnt know at the time. Ill take my shirt off and get the photo. My wife was that, keep your shirt on. Within three or four hours, i had like someone had poured battery acid across my chest. It blistered. My wife said keep your bloody shirt on. Stephen the revenge of the deep. How long did it take to get the sailfish in . Chris a good 30 minutes. Stephen when an animal that they. I have been looking up to do a couple times, it feels like theres an angry volkswagen on the end of your line. Its almost a little scary how powerful they are. C chris its incredible. I kept thinking we had hooked onto a rock or something. Theres nothing happening here. We are sharing it back and forth, me and the guide, the local fijian guy that was with us. Every muscle in the body is shaking and twisting. You have nothing left. Stephen so you give it to her 7yearold. Chris i gave it to my 7yearold. Reel him in as well. Stephen whats the most interesting youve done for adventure . It looks