Be icky, like one of those things that looks like a cockroach but it can fly, has to be on that level. Second, wolf blitzers situation room must be downgraded to the situation shack. Next, Anderson Cooper must be panted on air to see whether the carpet matches the drapes. We all want to know is he or is he not the most trusted name in pubes. Finally, cnn must call itself fox news and replace its entire staff with fox friends, and cnn cant ask questions. Shut up. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, the democrats trump, and the she man. Plus, stephen welcomes william h. Macy, jay pharoah, rationale, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whats going on . Thanks, everybody please have a seat welcome cheers and applause piano riff please, sit down, everybody youre too kind. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause well, today donald trump continued his world tour of governmentmandated parades. This time chyna. The main event or as they say there, the whole enchilada laughter the big cay hoona. The chinese gave trump a heros welcome, including their nations highest honor standing next to xi jinping on a giant Hotel Luggage cart. laughter yeah. Youre gonna tip this guy, right . laughter then he and xi walked the red carpet, where trump was greeted by his biggest fans totally notstaged adoring chinese children. Thank you. Youre all so good at making my hats. Thank you so much. And theyre made in china. I tinted make that up. Dont be mad at me. laughter jon oh, man stephen if im not mistaken, and i dont think i am, somebody has bit of a mancrush on xi jinping. President xi and i have had several conversations about our common goals and interests. Beyond that we talk often. Theres a very Good Chemistry between the two of us. laughter stephen of course. Yeah. No, of course. Of course they have Good Chemistry. They met on xi harmony. laughter its a science, xi harmony. The relationship is so good, it even surprised trump. Our meeting last night was absolutely terrific. Our dinner was beyond that. We had a dinner that was going to last quickly, 20, 25 minutes, because i was traveling. And you were so nice and you just said, well do a quick dinner, and i think it had to last at least two hours, and we enjoyed every minute of it. laughter stephen it was a great dinner. Really, really, really fantastic. Until xi gave trump the check for 1. 2 trillion. Cash. Of course, trump is in china to negotiate a tough trade deal. In the past, hes accused the chinese of currency manipulation, so he played his cards close to his chest, and immediately folded. Both the United States and china will have a more prosperous future if we can achieve a level economic playing field. Right now, unfortunately, it is a very onesided and unfair one. But but i dont blame china. Stephen no. No. But, i dont blame china. Like everything else, i blame president hillary clinton. She has got to go. laughter cheers and applause piano riff she is a failure. I love this. I love it. Now, the administration backed off this comment a bit. Secretary of state Rex Tillerson told one reporter that trump was being a little bit tongue and cheek. Also, lip and teeth. All the parts of the mouth. I think tillerson meant to say, tongue in cheek, but itd be more accurate to say trump has spent his visit to china with nose in butt. audience reacts cheers and applause it was magical. Im surprised. I thought id only be up there 20 minutes, it was two hours. Absolutely fantastic. laughter another big agenda item for trump in china is getting their help dealing with north korea. Earlier this week, he sent a strong message to kim jongun while giving a speech in south korea. I also have come here to this peninsula to deliver a message directly to the leader of the north korean dictatorship. The weapons you are acquiring are not making you safer. North korea is not the paradise your grandfather envisioned. Stephen hes right. A grandfathers paradise is a 24hour Hardware Store that serves allwhitefish dinner at 4 00. laughter of course, North Koreans didnt take kindly to the speech. The state news paper called trumps speech garbage spewing like gunpowder out of trumps snout, like garbage that reeks of gun powder to ignite war. Wow. Wow. I gotta say jon wow, he had to climb way in there. applause stephen that awful analogy is like an analogy that is awful. Are we sure they have Nuclear Weapons and not just a pile of garbage and gun powder . Hey back stateside in the republican primary in alabama, you guys remember roy moore . Hes the g. O. P. Senate candidate in alabama who pulled out a gun while speaking at a campaign rally, suggested 9 11 might have been punishment for us turning away from god, and called homosexuality an act so heinous that it defies ones ability to describe it. Hes right, i went to kevin and tommys wedding this weekend and the cupcake tower was indescribable. laughter i cant articulate how amazing the fondue station was. Congratulations, you two. Well, guess what . This guy whos constantly posturing about how devout he is and how sinful everyone else is . Well, spoiler alert in a bombshell report in the Washington Post today, a woman says roy moore initiated a sexual encounter with her when she was 14 and he was 32. For those keeping track, thats an age difference of it doesnt matter, she was 14 laughter applause that is an act cheers and applause jon wow, wow. Stephen i dont want to ask what youre applauding for. laughter thats an act so heinous that it defies my ability to describe it. But ill try. Illegal. laughter besides the 14yearold girl, the post talked to three other women who say moore pursued them when they were between the ages of 16 and 18 and he was in his early 30s. My god, these accusations are so damning, voters are either going to force him off the ballot or make him president. laughter Moores Campaign has responded to the bombshell article, saying this garbage is the very definition of fake news, and adding that if the allegations were true, they would have surfaced during his previous campaigns. Your honor, how could i be guilty of this murder if i wasnt caught until now . Think about it. laughter now if it please the court, i like to get close enough to stab you. laughter and now, g. O. P. Lawmakers are asking roy moore to step aside if the allegations are true. But not everyone denounced moore. For Alabama State auditor and victorious turnip, jim ziegler. laughter they left him in the sun. piano riff he defended his friend, not by saying hes innocent, but rather by saying that if he did it, it was totally cool. He said, take joseph and mary. Mary was a teenager and joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of jesus. Yeah, because joseph didnt touch her their whole deal is that there was no funny business she was the virgin mary, not the okay . cheers and applause jon thats the whole thing stephen hey, brother she wasnt the askin for it mary which is why she didnt have to become the talking to the Washington Post 30 years later mary. When reached for comment, jesus said lalalalala. I dont want to think about my parents having sex. laughter applause also, for those of you tuning in to see my interview with louis c. K. Tonight, i have some bad news. laughter and then, some really bad news. He cancelled his appearance here tonight because the New York Times broke this story today five women are accusing louis c. K. Of sexual misconduct. When reached for comment, jesus said, lalalalala. I dont want to hear about it, i was a big fan now, these are disturbing allegations. This is just the latest in an avalanche of allegations harvey weinstein, bill oreilly, roger ailes, kevin spacey. And a lot of men look at this misbehavior, and they feel theres nothing i can do well, last night, one man stepped up to not do it. Country music star and soul patch safe place, keith urban. laughter last night at the Country Music awards, urban debuted his new harvey weinsteininspired female country empowerment anthem. That is a word salad i never thought id say. laughter now, before i play you the song, i want to be clear, i am a fan of mr. Urbans and i think his heart is in the right place his lyrics, less so. Jim . Sister shoulder daughter lover healer broken halo Mother Nature fire suit of armor soul survivor holy water secret keeper fortune teller virgin mary Scarlet Letter technicolor river wild baby girl woman child female laughter stephen its the first song ever written by dumping out a bin full of inspirational throw pillows. laughter applause piano riff urbans collaborator explained the inspiration for the song, titled female, saying were in a room and were like, what can we do about this . the one thing we can do is write songs. That is debatable. laughter but again, i do like keith urbans work, and i believe their hearts are in the right place. And i want to do my part to stand up for women, so i too wrote a song in like five minutes, and set it to power point. Here it is. Ladies of the world, you got a raw deal. Too many times, your voices have been silenced. Well, i want to let you know, i hear you. Now, be quiet while i explain you to you. Ladywoman vaginaowner lipstick bangs organ donor piano teacher appletini burka, onepiece or bikini weird blue liquid pads with wings andy cohen nuvarings yonic yoga yogurt spoon tender goddess of the moon shampoo im not sposed to use spark plugs women use those, too sheperson. laughter stephen i fixed it, ladies. Youre welcome. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. William h. Macy is here. But when we come back, sex robots. Stick around. cheers and applause advil liquigels minis. Our first concentrated pill that rushes powerful relief. A small new size thats fast, cause its liquid. Woohoo youll ask, what pain . New advil liquigels minis. Most people think doilies and cabbage roses. Aper, we wanted to make wallpaper cool again. One of the greatest challenges of running a Small Business is having to do a little bit of everything. Office 365 really lets us collaborate in real time. Once a client sees a 3d rendering, they get it. Who knew there would be so much math with wallpaper . The math feature is so amazing. Love, love, love teams. It simplifies communication from everywhere. It makes our 10person company feel like 50. I like that math. All smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. Hello moto. Can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. And they might be bragging about portrait mode. But can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera . Its time to reinvent your smartphone. Its time to move on. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Get 200 off a moto z2 force edition. dog growls named after a star. Crafted to celebrate an unforgettable holiday. Host one to remember. cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause stephen listen, i know its just thursday right now. Right now, this night is thursday. Jon it is thursday. Stephen i cant wait for the weekend to get here because when the weekend is over, you know what monday is. Monday my guests are Vice President joe biden will be sitting in that chair right there hes got a new book, a lot to say. And my second guest and musical guest, none other than the great, one, only, the immortal elton john will be here on monday. Its like the super bowl show right here cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, not giving away any secrets here, people have longfantasized about getting it on with robots. I mean, hbo has an entire show starring a sexy cyborg. So lifelike. laughter they still dont have the voice down yet. Ello, im a robot. laughter the only way i can engs plain it, doesnt sound right. And the future is here, because, according to a new study, the sex robot revolution is approaching. Im not surprised the sex robots want a revolution, considering what were doing to them laughter the Study Reveals that 49 of American Adults believe that having sex with robots will become common practice within the next 50 years. Though, given the disturbing news about men lately, we should probably move that up to next week. laughter clearly, sex robots is coming. Its same for Stephen Colberts borgasm sex robot edition. Sex robots are so much more advanced than they used to be. Its no longer just about drawing boobs on a fourslot toaster. Theres a new sex robot thats meant to simulate real human connection. The harmony 2. 0 comes with builtin a. I. , so she can talk to you. Do you like men . I like both genders equally and i would like to have sex with both at the same time. What do you think about that . Stephen wow, that is as sexy as the hall of president s. laughter fun fact chester a. Arthur says the same thing. I bet those sideburns tickle. Harmonys makers say users can choose from a range of personality traits like kind, sexual, shy, and naive. But afterwards, you will always be scared, lonely, embarrassed, and sad. laughter the company even brags that their robots come with a Persistent Memory allowing them to build up relationships with their owners and remember facts about them. To which the sex robots replied actually, please just program us to forget. laughter and according to the manufacturer, having sex with the robot is only going to help you with your skills. Sure. Your skills at having sex with an appliance. laughter think of it as a marital aid for your kitchenaid. laughter but it will set you back. The harmony sells for as much as 15,000. Wow. Thats enough money to put your kids through. Therapy, after they walk in on you having sex with a deadeyed rubber machine in a wig. laughter applause plus, one tech expert is warning that hackers could program sex robots to kill so if you do it with a sex robot, you could actually end up dead, instead of just on the inside. laughter even worse, one expert warns that hackers would have full control of the connections, arms, legs and other attached tools, like in some cases, knives or welding devices. laughter okay, who is teaching their sex robot to weld . laughter shes just sitting around the house all day, thought id have her literally lay some pipe. laughter thats it for cyborgasm sex robot edition. And if you are considering getting a sex robot, just remember the old saying if its a machine, maybe you shouldnt put your penis in it. Well be right back with william h. 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Only from discover. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. And its softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. We all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin . cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back cheers and applause my first guest is an Emmy Awardwinning actor you know from fargo, boogie nights, and, of course, shameless. Please welcome william h. Macy cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause stephen i like that. You attack the stage with purpose. Thats nice. Yep. Stephen no indistinct movements for william h. Macy. Hes an actor who makes choices. Makes you look weak if you dont. Stephen dont want that. The crowd will turn on your like piranhas. True. Stephen you directed three movies now. I did, directed shameless. Directed three films. The third one is called crystal. Im going to virginia tonight to the film festival. Stephen do you do the premieres, do you have a big party to kick these movies off . There is a party. I think its big. Premieres, no. Stephen no red carpets. When we did rudder less, there was a theater and casting crew, so there were 150 people there. I wrote a nice speech. An inhouse speech. They asked if i would do the next screening at the theater and i said, yeah, and i thought, what do you want to say . So i wrote this lovely speech about community and sitting together in a dark room being told stories about the human condition. It was a good speech. We waited in a bar and, when it was time, i walked to the theater. There were two people sitting there. laughter i said, im the director, im supposed to talk to you. Or i was at this cool bar, we could go get a hamburger. cheers and applause and they did. I bought their tickets and we went to the bar and drank beer. Stephen i had a similar situation once. The first professional play i did after i graduated from college, for like our second night we went out there, it was a cast of eight and one person sitting out there. So we said, do you want to go bowling . We went next door and went bowling in character. It was so much fun. Cool. Stephen okay, so Everybody Loves william h. Macy. cheers and applause you have an accomplished and varied career, but like every young actor, you took some parts that are a little bit smaller. Are there any roles from earlier in your career you look back on and go, i could do that better . Im fond of all of them. I didnt do much television. I did e. R. Thats where i met john. I was on e. R. About four or five seasons as a recurring ch