i feel like there are times i -- yeah, i'm -- i feel like the person -- i remember when i was 10, i felt like i marked time and to this day i mark time between while my dad was alive and after. >> of course. >> it's like the new year's zero. it's like when pol pot took over cambodia. >> without a doubt. without a doubt. yeah. there's another guy, there's another steve, there's a steve colbert, there's that kid before my father and my brothers died and it's actually kind of difficult. i have fairly vivid memories from right after they died to the present. >> right. >> like, it's continuous and contiguous, you know, like, it's all connected. there's this big break in the cable of my memory at their death. everything before that has got an odd ghostly -- >> to me, it's like shards of glass. >> yeah. >> like, i feel like i -- >> flashes. >> flashes. >> little bits of it. then the things that really,