So gallant ly sleeping and the rockets red glare and the bombs bursting in air that our flag was still there oh say that starspangled banner yeah waving for the land of the free and the brave play ball see you next week. Looks like Michael Phelps is still smoke pot. Its like watching a jumbo jet land an aircraft. When i meant to say before the stupid time ran out its like i dont care i will get this joke out. Its like watching a jumbo jet land an aircraft. No, back it up. Its like watching a jumbo jet land on an aircraft carrier. I know. Okay. Out of time. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much come on audience chanting stephen . Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I need that kind of praise cheers and applause folks, i have to tell you, i need that kind of praise because i am furious and no amount of your applause will change my mood. So dont even try it again. cheers and applause you know what . You know what . Sorry. No, no. Actually, actually i was wrong, that worked. laughter you know what, jim . You better make me mad again. Congressional leaders have agreed to a new budget deal. The pact is supposed to eliminate the continuous cycle of standoff and Government Shutdown threats. Theyre calling it the bipartisan budget act of 2013. They actually passed a budget. I mean, the fact that we have to applaud that is unbelievable. But its a good thing. Theyre actually doing their job. Stephen wrong it is not a good thing and they are not doing their job. Americans sent republicans to washington to accomplish one thing zero things. laughter but with this bipartisan budget well have no chance of another Government Shutdown for two whole years you fools we cant leave our National Parks open that long it will give the wolves time to unionize cheers and applause what i dont get here is that there were plenty of good conservative budget plans out there the penny plan is you drop a penny out of every dollar washington spends every year for five years. One penny in every dollar for five straight years. Everybody. Across the board. This is the budget, live with it. Now thats implies discipline. Stephen yes, the penny plan implies discipline. Just as stu varneys accent implies intelligence. laughter in fact, i tell you what, folks. Ive gotten a even better penny plan for you. You just fill a jar with pennies and which ever Government Agency can guess how many there are wins the jar, which is now their budget. laughter . cheers and applause eight. And what really hurts is who stabbed us in the fiscal back. Republican congressman and reagan tribute scalp paul ryan. Just listen to the lame way he defends himself from real conservatives. Marco rubio said this, though, last night. Your deal is going to make it harder for americans to achieve the american dream. What will you say to marco . Read the deal and get back to me. Stephen read the deal and get back to me . The gall. Listen, buddy, i dont have to read a bipartisan budget to know i despise it any more than i need to read harold and the purple crayon to know that it ends with harold coming out as a lesbian. laughter okay . Its all about boundless imagination, also known as scissoring. audience reacts so if you excuse me, theres something i have to do. Okay . I cant believe i i cant believe i laughter . I cant believe i hung this poster on the ceiling of my dream closet. I guess its time for a new 2016 fantasy candidate. Oh, ted cruz. laughter oh, ted cruz, youll never betray me. Oh, ted, have you been working out . Nation, growing up, folks, when i got a cold there was nothing more comforting than a big bowl of my grandmas chicken soup. She put a ton of morphine in it. laughter this is Cheating Death with dr. Stephen t. Colbert d. F. A. cheers and applause yes, sir, yes, sir. cheers and applause as always, folks, Cheating Death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. Prescott. You can chemically depend on us. laughter first up, sleep health. Folks, a good nights sleep is the best way to naturally restore you which is why it takes powerful chemicals to make it happen. Chemicals like ambien. But earlier this year we got news that was a real eye opener unless youre on ambien. Now a warning for people who take ambien. A government report out this morning reveals dangerous side effects like hallucinations, behavioral changes, things like agitation, sleep driving, sleep walking, sleep eating where youre in this sort of half state of sleep but youre also awake and functioning. Stephen hey, thats just what i call multitasking. laughter you can get a good nights sleep while still driving to work eating a whole box of brownie mix. laughter but for patients out there who prefer waking up not wandering through the next county, theres a new alternative. Its called suvorexant, mercks sleep drug currently seeking approval from the f. D. A. Which is inspired by research on narcoleptic dogs, which is is important work because nothing hurts your selfesteem like a dog falling asleep in the middle of humping your leg. laughter but, folks, suvorexant is effective without ambiens troubling side effects because it has exciting new side effects. One patient had a feeling as if shocked, then felt paralyzed and heard vivid sounds of people coming up the stairs with a sense of violent intent and another had a feeling of shadows falling over his body hunted by enemies hearing extremely loud screams. laughter now, of course, the easiest thing to do would be just label the bottle warning, may cause sudden on set kafka. cheers and applause but instead, the f. D. A. Told merck to drop the suggested dosage dramatically from 80 milligrams to 10 milligrams. Unfortunately, at that level patients recorded it had no advantage over a placebo. Well, the folks at prescott believe the government should not be putting a bureaucrat between you and your inescapable nightmares. Thats why we are proud to introduce vaxanuff. A threepound brick of pure sleep aid. You choose your own dose by grating off as much as as doctor you prescribes. laughter when you feel yourself drifting gently off to sleep, youve had enough. When you feel like someone elses hand is doing the grating and youre no longer yourself because you are the brick of vaxanuff being grateed into the mouth of a stranger that was once you and the universe folds in on itself and transforms into a swarm of babyfaced vampire bats, youve had way too much. laughter and applause so at which point youll want to take a little more. Because youre going to want to sleep for whatever you do next. Side effects of vaxanuff may include sleep waltzing, night terriers and nocturnal munitions. laughter next up, folks, cosmetic surgery. Uhhuh laughter stephen folks, im a big fan of cosmetic surgery. Of course, i dont need it myself because i have all of that taken care of for me by the painting in my attic. laughter still, i was excited to hear a new way to improve a part of the body i didnt know was hideous. Its an eye opening procedure being done here in new york for the first time. A woman is getting a piece of platinum jewelry placed in her eye. Dr. Emile chin begins the process with an injection of lidocaine to number t area. audience reacts now im going to put in the speculum to keep your eyes open. Then dr. Chin makes a small incision where the jewelry will eventually be placed. Stephen now, the procedure may sound painful but remember before they slice your eye and insert a piece of metal they numb it by jamming in a needle. laughter now, this patient opted for a little heart. You can see it right next to where her eye didnt used to be bleeding. laughter but there is no need to worry about the safety of the procedure. Dr. Chin says he believes its actually pretty safe. Stephen see . Its pretty safe laughter there are some risks with any surgery, but whats the alternative not having metal in your eye . Of course, surprise, surprise, the procedure has not been f. D. A. Approved. Well, you dont have to throw around the phrase not f. D. A. Approved very long before the folks at prescott take notice. Forget costly procedures to put jewelry in your eye. At prescott we believe true beauty lies on the inside. Thats why were proud to introduce vacsabling, jewelry for your internal organs. Its simply combining an anatomy textbook with a zales catalog. Just open each to a random page and well put the thing in the other thing. laughter so this christmas, treat yourself to diamond pendant earrings in your testicles. applause cheers and applause side effects of vacsabling include creamed corneas, double vision, and idris elbow. Well, thats it for Cheating Death brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. Remember abuse only as directed. Until next time, ill see you in cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. You know, folks, you know, theres just no other way to say it i have had it with black people. laughter now, hear me out. Hear me out. Not the good ones which are all of them so no letters. Im talking about the one or two black people out there who are always bringing up race its not like white people have it easy do you have any idea what its like to walk past Police Officers and neither be stopped nor frisked . laughter it makes me feel like im some sort of invisible man. I should write a book about that. laughter and some black people even refuse to dream of a White Christmas such as slate writer aisha harris, seen here getting her groove back. She believes santa claus should not be a white man anymore and isnt it time our image of santa better serve all the children he delights each christmas . All the children, aisha . Even those on santas naughty list . Whats next . Those on santas jewish list . Oh, oh, he has one. He borrowed it from nixon. laughter now, fortunately fox news elf megyn kelly was there to put things in black and white but mostly white. Santa claus should not be a white man anymore. Yet another person claiming its racist to have a white santa. You know, and, by the way for all you kids watching at home, santa just is white. audience reacts yes. Thank you. Thank you. For all those kids watching fox news at 9 40 at night, stan is white. laughter and santa cant just change colors its not like hes magic or anything besides, a black santa is a terrible idea. If a home owner in florida sees a black man coming down their chimney he is going to get shot laughter officer, i was just defending my milk and cookies and megyn kelly is right the races of all of our favorite mystical holiday figures have long been determined. Santa white. Easter bunny white. Tooth fairy latina. They need the baby teeth. Its its what they put in the maracas. laughter dont open these. Its like a horror show in there. laughter plus, it makes sense that santa is a white guy. After all, his job is to bring us presents on jesus birthday and everyone knows jesus color. Jesus was a white man, too, but, you know, its like we have hes a historical figure, thats a verifiable fact. As is santa. Stephen yes, thank you jesus was a white guy. And jesus whiteness is a verifiable fact. Just look at any photo of jesus. He was just your average air may i can speaking First Century eastern white guy. laughter the only evidence air make. cheers and applause the only evidence i need the sacred dockers of turin. laughter besides, back people have their own holiday, its Martin Luther king day. By the way, for any kids watching at 11 30 at night, Martin Luther king is black and he is real. laughter dont listen to your older siblings. Everybody knows that if youre good once a year he comes in while youre sleeping and sprinkles you with dreams. laughter then he goes back to his mountain top castle on his flying table of brotherhood saying merry m. L. K. Day to all and to all good deals on mattresses well be right back. cheers and applause 7 rjrj,x,x 7t w;;a0ju w [uncle]this is hopscotch,okay . Uncle go one,two,one,two,one two,one. [niece]okay [uncle]okay . [niece]one,two three,four,five,six,seven,eight [uncle laughing] okay,we go the other way,okay . [niece]one,two,three,four,five, six,seven [uncle laughs]theres ten spaces,you want to try again . [uncle]yeah . cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight just won the National Book award for his new book the unwinding. I wonder if i have to read the winding first. Please welcome George Packer cheers and applause hey, george, good to see you again. Thanks for coming back. Its been one or six years since you were last here. Good to see you. Good to see you again, too. Stephen youre a new yorker staff writer. Youre the author of the assassins gate which was about america in iraq. Now youve got a new book. The unwinding an inner history of the new america. Okay, ill bite. How are we unwinding . What is unwinding america other than, lets say, gay marriage, legalized pot, and socialized medicine . laughter should i have said spoiler alert . Did i just give away the book . Those are not the big themes of the book. The book is about how over the last generation the institutions that used to support the broad majority of americans like government, like news media, like corporations, like schools have stopped working on behalf of the majority. Stephen corporations are doing fine, my friend. They are doing well. But most of america is not. So weve become more and more a country divided between winners and losers. Let me just say, this is not an argument book. Its not a policy book. There are lots of good books about this subject. Stephen so youre not arguing with the book . I am not. laughter . Stephen so if we were to have an argument, ive already won . Doesnt that always happen . laughter . cheers and applause stephen certainly once were done editing. laughter so its describing the state of america. Well, instead of making an argument that you agree or disagree with but quickly forget it goes through the lives of half a dozen americans and follows them over the course of the last 30 or 35 years, the huge changes in the economy and the way theyve reacted. Stephen whats the biggest change . My understanding how the economy works you can correct me if im wrong is that you work hard, you play fair and youre rewarded. Thats the american dream. You know . And play by the rules, you get a house to live in. laughter . Stephen and the biggest change is that no longer works and theres lots of people in this book who work hard, basically play by the rules they make mistakes, theyre human but they end up with very little or nothing. And theyre struggling or even drowning and theres no structures to support their aspirations. Theyre on their own. Stpwhaoup are these structures that we used to have . A Decent Public School system. Stephen well, Public Schools rely on my taxes. laughter im the guy paying for Public Schools, many i kids go private, i cant be paying for that. Thats not my problem. What else . laughter again, were not having an argument. Were not having an argument. You mentioned corporations. It used to be the corporations had other interests besides share price but when they became the only goal of c. E. O. S, share price and their own salaries and bonuses they stopped thinking about their workers as having a key role and having certain rights and it being necessary. I mean, in some ways corporations stephen sounds like youre going pope francis on me right now. laughter thats pretty good. I bet hes actually a very powerful voice for this. Obama quoted him in a speech he gave on inequality about a week ago. Its nice to have some leader talking about this. We cant find too many in washington so we have to look to the vatican. Stephen obama called the pope soulful. laughter which i found offensive. I dont want my pope described like barry white. laughter are you saying that im guys like me who believe in our corporate hegemony now who believe in Smaller Government and less social services that were the problem for people like that . Stephen, that is very nice set but you did not build it. laughter . Stephen go on, elizabeth warren. Shes in the book. Stephen oh, i bet she is. Oh, i bet she is. I bet theres a foldout of her. laughter you know, there are ten wellknown americans profiled in the book as well as these five or six penal you dont know and i i admire her because she has the guts to tell bankers what they dont want to hear and theres very few people in public life who do. Look, we have stephen so what dobackers not want to hear that they should hear . Im having a Christmas Party tonight, ill tell them. That we have an economy that doesnt work very well because people who work at walmart cant can barely afford to shop at walmart which is why black friday was a bust this year. Stephen they dont need to because walmart encourages workers to give each other old canned food. Exactly. Stephen and as long as theyre trading each other del monte peas were good. laughter thats the argument that im not making. Stephen im glad you didnt because i could knock that down in a minute. Im glad you didnt make it. There are six surviving walmart heirs that have more wealth than the bottom 42 of americans. Now, thats such a gap of inequality that the economy no longer works and people are cynical and think the game is rigged. We dont expect equal results, but when the gap is so wide, equal opportunity itself seems like a sham. Stephen there is equal opportunity. Whether its like one of the heirs of walmart or, you know, some guy working a minimum wage job, they have the exact same chance to win the pick 4 of the powerball. laughter or the scratchoff. Theres so many opportunities that theyve shared an equal chance of. You will admit that. And it is more and more of a lottery. Because know who longer have the upward mobility thats always been our claim to being in egalitarian society. Europe is a more socially mobile place than the United States now. Stephen you shut your mouth right now. laughter sir, have you never heard the Eternal Truth that americas greatest days are ahead of it . We like to think that. Stephen oh, its its true thats why we like it. And americas greatest days are also behind it. Its right now thats the problem. Stephen and always has been laughter George Packer, thank you so much. George packer, the unwinding. Well be right b b modern remixed version this holiday, tech the halls and ring in the savings with our