Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20161209

Realize how careful our online lives have to be. Because weve all seen what happens when the twitters, facebooks, and trolls decide our reality. Now that weve been given this second chance, its up to all of us to see what we do with it. And the first new email since the internet was erased successfully went out at 6 00 a. M. Today. The honor went to a mr. Dave beckett of boca raton, florida. Mr. Beckett, you had the honor of being the first person to socialize on the new internet. Can you tell us what you did . Well, i sent an email with a photo to my old friend thomas winger up in connecticut. And what did you say to mr. Winger . I showed him my dick, called him a fag. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show im trevor noah thank you so much for tuning in. We have two guests tonight. The first, conservative president ial candidate and former c. I. A. Operative, Evan Mcmullin is joining us. Then another one d. Jd. J. Khaled is here, every major key in the house cheers and applause lets get straight into it. I dont know about you, but for me, every day since donald trump won has been an emotional rollercoaster. Every day it ranges from, ah to ahhh and what makes it worse than a rollercoaster is the fact this ride is going to be four years long, and the scarriest thing is were still just waiting in the line the ride hasnt etch started yet and today was definitely ahhh scott pruitt, Donald Trumps pick for Environmental Protection Agency Administrator is a staunch Climate Change defire. Donald trump expected to pick fast food c. E. O. Andy poster, outspoken against regulation. He is against raising the federal minimum wage over 9 an hour. Trevor Ahhh Ahhh Ahhh laughter you know, sometimes i think trump is trolling us, people america has a troll. Its the ultimate troll. You realize almost every Single Person hes picked for his cabinet wants to destroy the thing they have been put in charge of. The head of the Environmental Protection agency doesnt mean the believe the environment should be protected. His secretary of labor is opposed to workers rights. And for National Security advisor a job all about assessing intelligence, for that job trump has chosen a man who has repeatedly fallen for conspiracy theories and probations. Its as if when donald trump wants to hire someone he googles opposite of and hires that person. Homeland security lets get bin laden in protect gotham, the joker communications correct, hodor whats he saying . I dont know secretary of energy, ben carson Ahhh Ahhh Ahhh you know were in trouble one one of his most sensitive hires is Small Business administrator, linda mcmahon. You read my lips i want a divorce oh, my god linda blocked that punch cheering audience reacts youre fired oh my gosh trevor welcome to the trump administration. Where change is fake and wrestling is real. Moving on to the economy. As the Obama Administration is coming to a close, unemployment has plunged to a nearly nineyear low. When obama came to office, it was at 7. 8 . Now its at 4. 6 , which is really good applause but, you see, americas future is not about being good, its about being great. laughter trump promised to keep carrier jobs in the u. S. He says carriers going to bring back those jobs to indiana. He as president will make it happen. Im going to call up carrier and im going to tell the head of carrier, i hope you enjoy your stay in mexico, folks, but every single unit that you make and send across our border which now will be real, youre now going to pay a 35 tax cheering and you know what carriers going to do . Theyre going to call me in 24 hours and theyre going to go, mr. President , were moving back in the United States and were going to build in the United States. Thats whats going to happen, 100 sure trevor man, say what you want about trump but he really kicks bleep in imaginary negotiations against himself. Then carriers going to say theyre sorry, and everyone will chat my name, and Rosie Odonnell will be, like, donald rules and i drool, then the failing New York Times will print a headline that says airconditioner factory stays, trump keeps his school, and it will be a great pun and everyone will laugh at the pun and theyll say, great pun, donald, because they will know it was really my pun laughter and by the way, its easy to see why trump wants more airconditioning in america. Look at his face he was sweating so much, looks like he was doing an impression of fat bleep . Hes like, what are they doing . And this is crazy, once trump won the election, he actually did it. He got on the phone, negotiated with carrier, and he made his first deal. The airstrike the aircog giant tweeted we are pleased to reach a deal with president elect trump and mike pence to keep close to 1,000 job in indy. 60 of voters say it gave hem a more favorable view of trump. Trevor after trumps deal, some people see him in a better light. Saved 1,000 jobs and grabbed zero bleep . Wow maybe we should give this guy a chance laughter but before you give him a chance, you may want to examine the carrier deal a little closer because like Donald Trumps hair, there is something thats just a little off. If you mercally, there are some issues here. Donald trump during his speech said there were about is 100 jobs saved. Turns out its more like 800 jobs saved, 300 he was referring to were never going to move in the first place. Its not a sustainable strategy to save 800 or 1000 jobs at a team. The company gets 700 million in tax breaks a year. My guess is some corporation who might have not thought one second about leaving america are now going to announce, hey, were going to mexico and china, what are you going to do for us . Trevor Bernie Bernie applause we should have listen to you, bernie crying every time democrats see bernie sanders, theyre, like, damn, i wonder what could have been. But hes right. Its not sustainable for the government to Pay Companies to keep uncompetitive jobs in the country. But now that other companies have read carriers blackmail script they could threat ton leave and wait for the tax breaks to roll in. Like the childrens book, if you give a mouse a cookie hes going to want to bleep you in the bleep . You have the same book, right . Same book. laughter i love how donald trump made it, like, i told carrier what to do and they did it no, no, no, thats not what happened. They threatened something, trump paid them the money and they still sent hundreds of jobs to mexico. Like, trump would be the worst hostage negotiate in the world. He would be just like, come out with your hands up free all the hostages no . All right, you asked for it were sending in a Million Dollars and more hostages all right, cover me, boys, im going in to give him a hand job. Cover me. laughter applause worst negotiate ever. There is another aspect of this deal but it has good news and bad news. The good news is carrier has agreed to invest more money into their factory. The bad news is its going to be like westworld. Updating the plant will result in more automation and an important consequence. Were going to make a 16 Million Investment in that factory. That sounds good except theyre doing it to auto mate the manufacturing process which will shed jobs. Trevor as bad as this is, whats made it good for trump is it gives the illusion hes doing something meaningful. Thats what its about, the show. The headlines say trump saves 1,000 jobs, which i acknowledge is something for every Single Person whose job was saved, i dont deny that. But at the scale the president is supposed to work on, thats barely a drop in the bucket. Its all about the thousand jobs. What about everyones jobs . Youve got to create jobs as well. This is basically a classic con man move. A con man makes you focus on what you think you can get and distract you from everything you stand to lose. Thats all it is. applause and, look, the carrier deal might have some benefits but it would be naive to ignore all of the side effects. In fact, i have a proposal, every time trump makes a promise, he should be forced to include the fine print. And you know what carriers going to do . Theyre going to call me in 24 hours and theyre going to go, mr. President , were moving back into the United States Donald Trumps promises are not intended to be taken seriously. The number of jobs will be lower than promised. Side effects could include massive Corporate Tax breaks, higher consumer costs and Companies Giving the jobs to robots anyway. Ask your doctor if your economy is healthy enough for trump. He would probably say, no but bleep him, make America Great again. Trevor sounds good to me. Well be right back cheers and applause pained groans just gonna need one big push. groaning continues you got one more. Here we go. Congrats i hear youre having a baby. Here we go. Just breathe. Here we go. You better start saving for college tuition. And youll probably need a bigger house at some point. But new york life can help you manage your familys financial future. So you can relax, and enjoy lifes special moments. Like this moment. guttural yelling thats what being good at life is all about, right . vo be good at life. New york life. For us, its Rocky Mountain water. N. Or nothing. Coors banquet. Thats how its done. cheers and applause trevor welcome back. My first guest is a former c. I. A. Operative, the former House Republican chief policy director and 2016 independent president ial candidate, please welcome Evan Mcmullin cheers and applause thank you. Trevor thank you for being here. Lets jump straight into it. Real quick, for those who dont know you, i mean, you were a name and a face i wasnt familiar with during this race, and then when it got really deep into the election, all of a sudden you came out of nowhere and you said i am running, i am a conservative and i am running to oppose donald trump. Thats right. Trevor why did that happen . Well, it happened because somebody from the conservative side needed to stand up and oppose Donald Trumps bigotry and his threat to our system, his threat to our democracy. It couldnt only be hillary clinton, standing up for the most fundamental ideals on which this nation was founded, number one that all men and women were created equal, and number two we have liberty and right that come from the fact were human and not from the government or any leader. Donald trump does not dictate what our rights are. Our rights come with us when we arrive on earth and the governments role is to protect them. cheers and applause trevor now, its interesting that you use the word dictate because we laughter no, we made a joke on the show about trump as an african dictator, but you worked as a c. I. A. Operative, which im assuming means spy. Yes laughter trevor which you look like jason bourne digged you out of a window somewhere laughter its the hair. Trevor you look like you blend into a crowd and fight with jason bourne. laughter but youve worked all over the world for the c. I. A. Yeah. Trevor and whats interesting is i read your article in the New York Times where you wrote about the fact youve seen leaders like trump all over the world. What does that mean . Well, yes, i served all over the world, especially in south asia, the middle east and africa and i saw authoritarians and i saw how they operate and what they do. An authoritarian is uncomfortable with any threat to his or her power, and that could be the law for example the constitution in our case that could be other leaders, other branches of government, it could be cultural norms, democratic norms, it could even be the expectation of consistency or common decency, all of those things threaten, in the mind of a authoritarian, their power. What they want is for everything they say right now, their latest whim, to be supremely important. So if they undermine or destroy all of those restraints or other sources of power, that inflates their power or grows their power at our expense. And, so, i see that in donald trump. I saw that during the campaign. I certainly see that now post election. So who knows what will come next. Trevor this is where im confused. I go, even, you are a conservative, you are running for president. I go, help me and my viewers understand the difference between principled conservative and donald trump. So i go, so with regards to, lets say, a ban open muslims, what is your view a ban on muslims, what is your view on that . Its absolutely counterproductive and runs counter to everything we should believe in in this country, our foundational principles. Ivo posed that publicly over and over again is that so with regards to, lets say, Climate Change because the official stance of donald trump and his administration is this is, they said, a let of bunk, i believe, and it does not exist. Is that a conservative standpoint or a donald trump thing . Well, a lot of republicans hold that view. I dont. I think the climate is changing, i think we are contributing to that and i think we need to take action in response to it. We can debate how to do that. Trevor yes. But you know what . I think there is something i mean, thats an an important issue, dont get pewrong, but weve got to fight for liberty and equality in this country. We can debate these things which are important, we have so many important challenges in this country, but there is a real opportunity for those of us on the right and left who are Still Standing for the truth that all men are created equal regardless of the color of their skin, faith, gender, those of us who are Still Standing for that and standing for liberty, our basic freedoms, we need to stand together now because we have a president coming into the white house who may be an authoritarian. Now, lets see what happens when he actually gets there, but every datapoint weve seen so far suggests he will be an authoritarian. Lets unite. Well have this political debase on the other issues. Theyre important, dont get me wrong, but this is a different kind of moment here, i fear. Trevor sounds like when you watch Independence Day and those movies and the people are like, i know we have our differences, but the aliens are coming, and right now we can all agree that the aliens will kill us all i hope its not that bad is that pretty much what it sounds like. Id love to have you back on the show. Im sure we wont agree on everything, but i appreciate your voice. Likewise. Trevor well be right back. cheers and applause this year at tmobile, the holidays are on us switch your family of four to tmobile. Get unlimited everything. And well give you 800 to spend anywhere you want. Hurry to tmobile and get your holidays on us. Whoa, papa run, run, run, run, running run, run, run, run, running theres nothing in this life thats ever bringing me down she said dont you ever ever, ever run, run, run, run, running whoa, papa, run brewed generation after generation. This beer is fiercely loyal. Only with moravian barley. Coors banquet. Thats how its done. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere, datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 month. No extra monthly fees. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show my next guest is a recording artist, social media superstar and now a New York Times bestselling author whose new book is called the keys please welcome d. J. Khaled cheers and applause whats up . Trevor welcome to the show man, you know, this show is hot trevor im such a fan of yours, man you know watt im a fan of . Im not just a fan of the music a, im a fan of the message. Thank you. Trevor you are one of the people that is unflappable in the world of positivity and it pays off. Congratulations on your new baby. My greatest blessing. Trevor congratulations, man. Congratulations on the grammy nomination cheers and applause major key, man. Yes. Trevor where does that positivity come from . God. God is the master key. God is the greatest. We should always give thanks because weve got life. Its about embracing your blessings, man, and being grateful. Trevor is that what you do every day . Every day laughter every day, i would, like, say every second, because i meditate, everyday, i give thanks. Life is beautiful, man. Trevor i feel like Everyone Wants to be cynical and we live in a world where everyone is getting consumed by the grey and youve written a book and are still positive and were going this is a book about needing to be positive all the time. Im speaking facts. Im saying, you know, why would i want to be negative . Why would i want to be drained from neglectivity . There is so Much Negative in the world, whistled i want to fall in the trap . I always say in the book, stay focused. To be successful and great is a process for progress, to climb that mountaintop, youve got to stay focused. Trevor you are out there putting your words into actions. This is a Great Program youre part of called get schooled. Get schooled is motivating and inspiring the young world not just to go to school but to do good in school. We did a great campaign. We did like a keys program, and, you know, i mean, it was just great to talk to the young world and inspire tell me to go to school. Not just to tell them to go to school but to inspire them and let them know how great it is to go to school, how important it is. We did a campaign. I was filming and it was, like, a kid was reading a book in school and his phone rings and looks at his phone and my face pops up saying, dont play yourself. You should be reading your book trevor but thats pretty messed up. You called them, though. No. Trevor no, thats pretty messed up. I aint thinking about that. But im sure they made it where he called me. You know what im saying . laughter but thats good. Youre aware. Trevor im aware, man. Im aware of whats going on. I need your help. Yeah. Trevor im trying to become more positive. Im trying to think of catch phrases as well. If you dont know, you make phrase as part of life. People say, another one, and people know. What does another one mean . Another one means another great situation. Trevor you appreciate it, right . You acknowledge it. Of course. Trevor its another one. When you say major key, what does that mean . Major key, this book is major ceevment me being on the show talking positive cloth talk, thats a major key. The fans are a major key. Trevor i love this i want to be positive. I have a few catch phrases im working on. Yeah. Let me help you out with some. Trevor ive got a few. Ive got a gift for you. Trevor you do . I just did a new deal with cocoa butter, right . laughter its called they block. So anytime there is negative energy around, you just put a little trevor all right, lets rub a little on. And you gonna be good. Trevor and i rub it on . Okay. All right. Lets do this. So if i go, okay, im going to try youre unstoppable. Trevor im unstoppable. So ive got one i want to go with. This is my catch phrase. Big pants. Big pants. Trevor yeah, like im making big panels decisions. Like im doing big pants laughter no . Im doing big pants things yeah, i like that. Trevor all right, cool. There is another one i was thinking of, would be like no more commas. No more commas . Trevor like in a sentence because commas slow a sentence down and then its, like you dont want commas in your life. No, i want commas in my life. Trevor you said nothing could stop you, khaled no, i want commas. You got to be clear. Trevor no more punctuation commas. But thats not catchy. Ive got another one. Ive got another one. It says time for a second slice. Time for a second slice. Trevor basically in life, you know, like sometimes after you had a big meal and then you go, ah, man, i cant eat my more food, im tired, i want to sleep. Then you realize, no, nothing can stop me, time for a second slice its almost like another one. Trevor time for a second slice. Thats what it is. This is magic right now. This is part of the magic im going to be honest with you. I also have another one called we the best glow. The ladies love this because you smell so great they just come at you. Trevor this is part of the where are these bottles coming from . I dont know even