Transcripts For COM The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore 2016

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause larry oh, my god thank you very much. Thank you, oh, please be seated. Thank you so much. Please, be seated. No, thank you. Welcome to the nightly show. What a great crowd, man right back at you. I appreciate it. When people are making the animal noise, you know you are connected wooowoo, larry. Im larry wilmore. Before we get started tonight, i have to share something with you this is 100 true. Every night, after the show, the the audience leaves. You know what it is. Can we show that . Pretty fancy, right . And as you can see, theres a fullsize cardboard cutout of your host, larry wilmore, in there for people to take pictures with. But last night, something funny happened when the audience was clearing out after the show. Take a look. See that guy . Okay, theres the cardboard larry. laughter applause wait, wait look outside n look outside seriously. You have to be kidding me. cheers and applause he just took the bleep i mean, ive never had my identity stolen, you guys. I hope they dont use that to get into my bank account. Ok, not only that, but mckinley, one of our production staffers, this is so amazing she was getting on the the subway last night and spotted the culprit. I mean, he wasnt hard to recognize. laughter applause and look how pleased he is with himself, too whats he going to do with me . Dartboard . Dorm decoration . Just, please, whenever youre doing alone stuff in your dorm room, please turn flat larry around. High does not need to see that. Also, whoever took it, i aint mad at you. But as long as you have it, please take pictures and hashtag it flat larry. And, guys, if Anyone Around town sees flat larry, get in on the action. We wont come after you. I just want to know that youre taking care of me. cheers and applause flat larry larry oh white people just like to grab black people and take them somewhere. laughter come on lets go moving on to our top story. All right, guys. Its been 11 days since the alleged nonmurder of antonin scalia. Thats right, folks. There is no evidence to suggest that scalia was probably definitely murdered. But to get over the loss of their favorite judge, conservative politicians have distracted themselves with an old favorite pastime undermining the president s authority. Senate republicans confirmed they will not consider any nominee from president obama. The Judiciary Committee has unanimously recommended there be no hearings. I agree with that. Larry oh, you agree with that, Mitch Mcconnell . You know why thats not surprising . Because it was your idea do you not remember the statement you released on the day scalia died . Mitch mcconnell, who is the majority leader, has said, no nominee is gonna get a vote. Larry i agree with myself. Now, thats how a weasel behaves. You say some bleep and then other people follow your lead, and then you say you agree with that bleep . In fact, i now agree with what i just said. You said youd block obama on february 13, only hours after scalias homicide right. Oh, it happened. laughter you made your intentions of blocking the president very clear, just like you did back in 2010. Our top political priority over the next two years should be to deny president obama a second term. Larry so you didnt even achieve the one priority you had. Man. Congress really cant get anything done. cheers cant get anything done. Hey larry, larry oh, thats dre, our director. Whats up, dre . We just found out where flat larry is. Larry oh, my god. Where is he . Looks like he got tickets to see hamilton. Larry what . applause you gotta be kidding me i cant even get tickets how did i get tickets . All right, where were we . Flat larry. Oh, yeah, Mitch Mcconnell, the man who looks like if an elderly turtle mated with the white pillow that killed antonin scalia. laughter applause okay. So when does pillowturtle expect to fill this nomination . This nomination will be filled by the next president elected in november. Larry so, hold on, in his mind, hes hoping donald trump get to pick the next Supreme Court justice. Do you really want that . My son, eric, is a dud. I dont want him in charge of trump stuff, so let me put him somewhere he wont do any real damage. The Supreme Court would be huge. All right, mcconnell, i get it. As a turtle, you feel like youve tipped over and youre kind of stuck on your back on this one. I get it. But at the end of the day, obama even floated the idea of having a republican replace scalia, so obviously theres got to be some wiggle room on your side, right . Politico reports majority leader Mitch Mcconnell told conservative lawmakers there isnt, a snowballs chance in hell that hell back down. Larry now, hold on, im saying hell is hot. Snowballs are cold. So, you see, it doesnt have a chance. Thats the joke. Ha. Ha. Of. Look, one of the republican bleep lines is that theyre concerned that a conservative conservative justice as great as scalia would be replaced with a liberal judge. Well, they werent so concerned when thurgood marshall, a liberal justice who was a major voice of the civil rights movement, was replaced with clarence thomas, a conservative justice who doesnt even bleep talk. Wasnt concerned then. Was not concerned. Ao, Mitch Mcconnell, your biggest point is to say lets let the American People decide. Well, the American People have already decided. Now please do your job. Hold on, guys. Hold on. I appreciate that. Im getting word there might be someone new on the Supreme Court. Flat larry has been confirmed to replace antonin scalia. Oh, my god flat larry is the newest member of the United States Supreme Court. Hey, im rory albanese. And im mike, yard keeping black history 100 for the nightly show. Yeah, we are. Heres a fun fact. Carter g. Woodson, known as the father of black history month, actually lobbied for black history to be taught in school all year round. And we only got a month. Haha. Bet you happy with that, aint you . No. Why would i be happy with that . I think black historys fantastic. Please. Im sure you do. No. Happy black history month, everyone. Why did you ask me to do this honestly . Just to belittle my contribution . Happy black history month. Welcome to my world. Wow. Heres something to shout from the mountaintop. Crickets plans start at 35 a month, after 5 auto pay credit. With more 4g lte coverage nationwide than tmobile or sprint. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. We broabout this new car. To get your honest opinion to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. Feels like a bmw. Reminds me a little bit of like an audi. So, this car supports apple carplay. Siri, open maps. She gets me. Wow. It also has teen driver technology. It even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. Im very curious what it is. This is the 2016 chevy malibu. And it sells for . It starts at twentytwo five. What . Oh wow. I mean with all this technology. Thats a game changer. Can you say i love it . Oh love it . Can you say hey . Hey thats the spirit oooooh. Ooh ooh wooh ooh wooh ooh sing sing, baby baby i love you. Oh yes. Ooooh oooh. Every little thing. cheers and applause larry welcome back. As you know, rosa parks was a civil rights pioneer who became famous for her refusal to give up her seat on a montgomery bus. And in her honor, we like to recognize people who need to have a seat because theyre doing or saying dumb bleep . So now its time for our continuing segment, the rosa parks awards all right yeah applause all right tonights rosa parks award goes to. Oh thank you, music. Thank you. Oh the florida teen who posed as a doctor, dr. Love a florida teen taken into custody by West Palm Beach police. 18yearold malachi loverobinson facing multiple charges, including practicing medicine without a license. Police say he gave a medical exam to an undercover officer. Larry okay. Now, i know im giving him the rosa parks award so hell have a seat, but i really wanted to give this kid the benefit of the doubt. I mean, Doogie Howser was an incredible doctor at his age. Right . He was good. So maybe dr. Love is also a child protege . Ive done a lot of courses in institutions, locally and some flawn nonlocally, in alternative medicine. Ive attended many conventions and conferences, and ive done many exams, which are required to get your boards in anything. Larry okay, two things actually, five things. One, no. Two, no. Three, dont believe you. Four, uhunh. And five. bleep no. So are you a doctor of anything, anything at all . I do current i do currently hold a ph. D, uh, in what, i dont feel comfortable disclosing, uh, because that is not the issue here. Larry that is the issue here thats the only issue here i just dont get it. If this kid isnt a doctor, how did he even get patients . According to his Facebook Page and website, dr. Loverobinson offers holisitc and urgent care at his new birth new life medical center. Larry okay, wait a minute. Can you show me the Services Page of that site . Look at this. Its a blank page you are visually telling people that you literally have nothing to offer and check out his bio. Dr. Loverobinson utilizes physiological, psychological, and mechanical methods, such as air, water, light, heat, earth. Wait. Your methods of medical treatment amount to earth, wind, and fire. laughter applause so the only prescription you can write is for the funk . And to make matters worse, this isnt the first time hes done this. Last year, West Palm Beach Police Detained loverobinson after he was allegedly caught in a pregnant womans exam room at st. Marys medical center. Larry thats right. In the ultimate teenage fantasy, this maniac allegedly pretended to be a gynecologist. This story was broadcast everywhere, like im some insane maniac. Larry you are you are a maniac you cant just go snatching out babies from pregnant women i didnt snatch out a baby. I didnt do any of that. Larry dont talk back to me laughter you know what i mean . You cant pretend to be a doctor without any training thank you, music. All right, calm down, larry. The kid didnt actually hurt anyone, and now hes facing real charges. Lets hear how hes defending himself. I am deeply saddened, um, and a little disrespected by, uh, by some of the things that have come forth. But i will say that my attorneys uh, are working hard. Theyre working around the clock to make sure that this issue gets resolved. Larry hold on, guys. Hold on. The crazy thing . That girl right there, shes his lawyer. Not making it up. Not making it up also, i saw something strange. Can i see that clip again . But i will say that my attorneys are working hard. Larry even his childlawyer is like see ya, buddy youre going to jail so congrats, fakeass dr. Love, heres your rosa parks award. Sit the hell down and have a seat preferably in jail. This has been the rosa parks awards for people who need to have a seat. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause hey nithanks. Today. Juicy fruit . Sure ill try a piec. Juicy fruit. So sweet you cant help but chew. Can you say i love it . Oh love it . Can you say hey . Hey thats the spirit oooooh. Ooh ooh wooh ooh wooh ooh sing sing, baby baby i love you. Oh yes. Ooooh oooh. Every little thing. We wonerere. And here. And here. Here. And here. Uh, here. Also in here. Back there. Behind here. Even next to these guys, here. In the nations largest, independent study, rootmetrics just named verizon Number One Network for the fifth time in a row, here. So when the other guys claim theyre the best, remember theres only one, number one. And now well pay up to 650 to switch to the best network. This one right here. cheers and applause larry welcome back. Im here with my panel. First up, nightly show contributor mike yard. cheers and applause and nightly show contributor jordan carlos. cheers and applause and hes the host of the hit siriusxm show, come to papa, which airs on channel 99. And hell also be performing at laugh boston this friday and saturday night, welcome back very funny comedian tom papa. cheers and applause and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter nightlyshow using the hashtag tonightly. Okay, you guys have probably have seen this story. This went completely viral online, on facebook and everything. A 25yearold yelp employee was fired after posting, like, this open letter to her c. E. O. Complaining that her entrylevel job didnt provide her with enough money to live in san francisco. And talked about having to answer phones for an entire year before being promoted, living on rice, and living completely clothed because she couldnt afford heat. People lost their minds. She yelped her experience. Larry accusing her of having an air of entitlement. Why do you think theres so much resentment being directed towards this girl . Because shes a big baby. Youre living in san francisco. Youre working for yelp. So you dont make a killer amount who would be interested in that complaining . If you want to yelp about your syrian refugee crisis, you want to be like, wow, we had to eat rocks again today. Were using our own pe pee as a shower. Cant talk now. Have to walk to germany then ill listen to you. Larry is that an actual yelp entry. That is. I dont necessarily resent her. I just dont believe her. She wrote a letter to her boss complaining about not making any money, but everything she put in that letter ensured she would be fired. So that doesnt make sense to me. Thats what happens when you raise kids on timeout. You have to beat your kids. laughter applause larry hold it. You went from you dont believe her to you gotta beat your kids. You gotta beat your kids. Because when you beat your kids, they understand consequences for actions. If you curse your boss out, you get fired. Larry right. Thats what happened. Am i right. Larry i dont think so. Can i go to the office and be like can i come in the Office One Day and be like, what the bleep is wrong with you, larry . Larry i dont think beating you would have would have prevented you from writing a letter about the way you were treated at work. But i would never do that because my parents beat me when i was a kid so i know there are times there are consequences to your actions. Larry beating you as a child is an entirely different panel discussion. I know i dont look like it, but my parents also whooped my ass as well. Larry i think we need to yelp. But i would say, i mean, basically, she thought shed be making a certain amount of money. She didnt. What it proves is if you make minimum wage for less than a year you will go out of your goddamn mind. Thats the things thats so maddening. Im poor. Im in my 20. And it hasnt worked out. When i started in new york i made five bucks a night, five. And needed the money. It was fine and everything smelled like hot dogs. I smelled like hot dogs. My girlfriend smelled like hot dogs. I said, are we making hot dogs again . She said, no, thats us. We have to get jobs. A dude is like, you got rice what are you complaining about . You got rice, girl. Larry do you think its a generational thing or a Job Description thing . Because in show biz you kind of know thats the deal. Heres the thing, a lot of the energy in the Bernie Sanders campaign, a lot of people, going to college, getting an education, costs too much, theyre in debt and there are jobs that dont offer an immediate redress to the bleep storm that just happened with their finances, right. Yeah. People feel like how long is it going to take just for me to repay this education . But its getting harder and harder. Wages have been stagnant since 1979. The price of housing, that goes up year by year. And the price of education goes up higher and higher. So how are these kids going to come out of that hole . We say theyre whining, but guess what . Theres something to whine about. cheers and applause but . But what . You can whine about it. Thats fine. I used to whine about it, too. Id get some ramman noodles and weed and hang out with my friends and whine to them. You dont whine to the people that hire you. She burns down the office. I agree. You dont send your boss a letter saying, i bet you dont have to borrow 6 from the guy at cvs. , of course, i dont. That guy busted his ass, by the way. The guy that built yelp, he started at 14 years old. He was taking his little allowance and investing in stocks. He was kicking ass, and working hard. He was busting ass. If he built that company, hes entitled to something. Larry another thing, many people at the bottom but theres also a false notion that people who dont make a lot of money arent busting their ass. There are many people who bust their ass, all day longs, but the funds arent coming in. They have legitimate complaints. Larry its doesnt mean theyre not busting ass. I agree with you. Larry sometimes, yes, its probably not the smartest thing to do to go after your boss, but whose to bet yelp will make some changes. Shes the sacrificial lamb that goes out and did this. You know that happens. Youre the one who get ousted and then they go, yeah, she was right. Were the most productive nation in the world, but like i said, the wages are stagnant. Thats the problem. Heres my problem with her, i cant feel sympathetic to that. You filled out the application and knew what you were going to be getting paid. Its not like they hired you and then said, guess what, we have to cut your bleep . You know you were making 1400 a month. But you have a 1200amonth apartment. I dont care. I would love to live in malibu. I took a drive up the Pacific Coast highway. I love it. Its beautiful. But i got brooklyn money. Thats where i live. Larry there you go. Anwhen you got brooklyn money, u probably live in brooklyn. Well be right back. Cant get unlimited data for your family . Other carriers either dont offer it, or its too expensive not tmobile get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free hurry. Only at tmobile. Sweetheart, dont look at me like that, its gonna be amazing. This is a disaster whos the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate . Miss monroe, eat a snickers. Why . You get a little cranky when youre hungry. Better . Much better. This scene will never make the cut, m