Allow it to rain on the audience lined up for this show. Did it rain on you . [ audience no ] jimmy god has spoken given, its amazing. We have a lot to get to tonight with the bachelor, football thats it, really. First, this was our first weekend with our new celebrity president. And you know how sometimes theres a lot of hype for something and then when it finally happens it disappoints . Well, that was certainly not the case for president Donald John Madden trump this weekend. Saturday trump paid a visit to the cia to make nice after repeatedly insulting them on twitter. He called it the Central Intelligence agency and compared them to nazis which is the kind of thing that upsets people. So in order to mend the fence, he made his First Official visit as president. His first visit was to cia headquarters. He spoke in front of the wall of agency heroes. This is a Memorial Wall to the agents who gave their lives to this country. While he did take time to tell the agents in the room that they have his full support, most of his speech focused on all sorts of other stuff. He talked about tom brady, he talked about his uncle, he talked about how smart he is, he bragged about how many times hes been on the cover of time magazine, and mostly he complained about how the media is reporting the size of his crowd at the inauguration. Honestly, looked like 1. 5 Million People. Whatever it was, it was. It went all the way back to the washington monument. And i turn it on and by mistake i get this network. And it showed an empty field. And it said we drew 250,000 people. Now thats not bad. But its a lie. Jimmy he is so focused on size. Nobody asked him about that, by the way, he brought it up. Hes focused on the size of his crowds, the size of his ratings, the size of his hands, the size offing of. Again, hes supposed to be there to make peace with the cia but he couldnt help himself. He had a crowd and he just started going. Instead of the cia he should be talking to a ciciatrist. Prp. Jimmy thank you for applausing that stupid joke. Im sure you saw this. A reporter from the New York Times posted this photo comparing the crowd at his inauguration to the crowd at obamas in 2009. Which it looks like a before ask after picture for rrogaine. Who cares, he won the election. But he was so mad he made his press secretary this guy sean spicer, who hadnt even had his First Press Conference yet, he made him gather the press immediately on a saturday to yell at them. Heres Donald Trumps press secretary sean spicer. [ yelling in Foreign Language ] jimmy hold on, thats the wrong dictatorship. This is sean spicer. Inaccurate numbers involving crowd size were also tweeted. No one had numbers. Because the National Park service, which controls the national mall, does not put any out. This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period. Jimmy no one had numbers, bunt it was the largest, period that poor bastard doesnt even know where the coffee machine is yet, hes already having to yell at everybody. Whether you believe this or not i guess depends on which eye you use to look at it. If you use the left eye, yeah, obamas crowd looks larger. If you look at it through the right eye, still larger, still the same. So that was saturday. Then yesterday trumps Senior Adviser kelly anne amway somehow managed to top it. It undermines the credibility of the entire White House Press office on day one no, it doesnt, dont be so overly dramatic. Youre saying its a falsehood, and sean spicer our press secretary gave alternative facts. [ laughter ] jimmy right, he wasnt lying, he gave alternative facts. Its like if you told a police officer, i wasnt speeding, i was just accelerating excessively. Every week now we get a new phrase. Not since consciously uncoupled have i heard something as conveniently skewed as alternative facts. I wish id known about alternative facts when i was in high school. I would have had straight as. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy speaking of high school. This is on the first full day in office. This is what trump tweeted. He wrote, i am honored to serve you. He spelled honored wrong. Or maybe its an alternative spelling, i dont know. Alternative facts, i dont know about you, who came up with this . Whoever did this congratulations. Because can i get a camera over here from above . Id like if you will allow me, id like to share some alternative facts about me. Here we go. Where do i look . All right. You know, at the olympics this summer, i beat usain bolt to win a gold medal in the 100 meter dash. I am the fastest man alive. And i have the medal to prove it. Its truish. Furthermore, i want you to know, every woman to whom ive ever made love has written me a letter of thanks. Applauding not only my performance but also the magnitude of my manhood. Which historians agree is the largest ever recorded. And finally, i would like to thank each of the 1. 3 Million People in this room tonight for helping the effort [ cheers and applause ] the largest talk show audience ever. Thank you for believing in me and thank you for this. By the way, i got this for the seco sex, not the race. Guillermo, from now on youre 63. Guillermo all right, im 63. Jimmy even fox news, where they typically defend even Donald Trumps least defensible moments would not allow team trump to get away with this crowd size. Chris wallace giving to it trumps chief of staff. Take a look at these pictures. That theres wait. Take a look at those pictures. On the left youve got the obama inaugural crowd. On the right youve got the trump inaugural crowd. Which one is bigger . Listen. Youre also not saying that that picture was taken before he was even speaking. You can i was there. I was there on the mall. I was there too. This is a ridiculous conversation. Jimmy yes, one of many ridiculous conversations we will be having over the next four years. And this was only the first weekend. So then sean spicer had to face the press today and he really had no excuse for what he said on saturday. To give him one we kindly slowed him down to half speed for our firstever edition of drunk sean spicer. [ tape playing slowly ] even the New York Times print printed a fo a photograph showing that a a misrepresentation of the crowd in the original tweet [ cheers and applause ] jimmy meanwhile, in fairness, President Trump actually did draw a huge crowd over the weekend. On saturday between 3 million and 5 Million People, mostly women, gathered to support him. Was that what they were doing . [ laughter ] in new york, l. A. , chicago, washington, d. C. But there were protests in all 50 states. In 32 countries. They say it was the biggest protest in american history. Which can you man jimagine havi that many women get mad at you . [ laughter ] i get nervous when only one woman is mad at me. It had handsdown the funniest signs of any protest ever. Here are some of my favorites, real signs. We shall overcomb. Melania, blink twice if you want us to save you. Usually not a sign guy but geez. This march is terrific, we have the best marches. Ive seen smarter cabinets at ikea. Trump skis in jeans. This sign isnt very good but neither is our president. He doesnt even have a dog. This one is simple but effective, im very upset. There are kids out there too. I hope this kid made her own sign. Read into it what you want. Other children focused on issues personal to them. I love legos. I heart trains. The real win they are weekend bass the poster board industry, right . I mean, really. Now on the opposite end of the female empowerment spectrum, tonight on abc we had a new episode of the bachelor. It was episode 4. [ cheers and applause ] the women packed up their emotional baggage for a visit to nicks hometown in wisconsin. Never has a group of women pretended to be more excited about going to wachashaw, wisconsin, than tonight. Nick ran into an exgirlfriend. By ran into i mean the producers called his exgirlfriend. Put a microphone on her. Put her in the spot where he would be. So that was natural. The villain this season, i dont know if youve been watching, this woman corinne, 24 years old, she has a nanny at home. Shes the worst person in the whole world. Shes terrible. And the women are forming an alliance against her. But nick just keeps voting her in every week. Theres a lot of tension as a result of that this week. Things got so contentious this week, corinne couldnt even. I cant even. I literally cant even. Jimmy yeah, thats bad when you literally cant even. Because up until then shed figuratively been able to cant even. I have a feeling corinnes about one week away from going back to her nanny. But well see. Maybe shell be the one he picks to not marry, who knows. The matchup for super bowl li is set. It will be the Atlanta Falcons versus the new England Patriots. [ cheers and applause ] thats tom brady, the quarterback for the patriots. Seen here in a giant jacket. He will be making his seventh appearance in a super bowl, which is nice to finally see something good happen to tom brady. After the game, the owner of the patriots, robert kraft, addressed the hometown fans. This clip we did not slow down. This is sober robert kraft. For for a number of reasons, all of you in this stadium understand how big this win was. But we have to go to houston and win one robert, jonathan, congratulations. Coach belichick, im going to hand this to you. Jimmy Bill Belichick was not amused. We have to take a break. When we come back we have something special. We sent our friend and number one Superfan Jake byrd to washington, d. C. To file a special report from the inauguration. If youre not familiar with jake byrd, here he was at a trump rally in dallas in september of 2015. Dont forget, i love these people back there. We love you, we love you, donald we love you, donald jimmy jake byrd tackles the inauguration, right after the break. So stick around, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] for the first time ever. G to the next level, at olive garden. Never ending classics starting at 11. 99. Switch it up between never ending helpings of your most loved classic dishes. Because the best things in life should be never ending. At olive garden. Hdid you get that email i sente wyou. Before you wake up. When life keeps you up. Zzzquil helps you fall asleep in less than 20 minutes. Because sleep is a beautiful thing. director what . You knowe your thats not your line, right . jon did you know that h r block will file your 1040ez for free . director ahhh. Yeah. The line is, rome. jon my jobs done here. director ok. Thank you. jon dont just get your taxes done. Get your taxes won. Play marian hill. Are you down, dddown, dddown, dddown, down, down . Are you. Down, ddown, down, dddddown, down, down, down . Down, ddown, down, down, dddddown, down, down, down . Are you down, are you down, are you dddown, are you . Like paperless, multicar, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. Any questions . Yeah. How do you go to the bathroom . Great. Any insurancerelated questions . Mmhmm. Do you have a girlfriend . Uh, im actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly 600 when they switch, so. Wheres your belly button . [ sighs ] ive got to start booking better gigs. Anything with a screen is a tv. Stream 130 live channels, plus 40,000 on demand tv shows and movies, all on the go. You can even download from your x1 dvr and watch it offline. Only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. Download the xfinity tv app today. Jimmy hi, there. Welcome back. Bill burr, music from Andrew Mcmahon and the wilderness on the way. First, as you know on friday we swore in a new president. Anywhere from 250,000 to 250 Million People were on hand to witness the inaugurated show on earth. One of those people was donald trump Superfan Jake byrd. Daddys home, america daddys home, ha ha ha hey, make it look like my ding dong. Make it look like my ding dong. I think donald trump is a smart leader. I think hes going to make America Great again. They say donald trump doesnt support the lgbtgif, but he loves those lady dudes. Half those expensive escorts he hired were part fella. Amen. I think were going to be sorely disappointed in what actually happens as a result of this election its time to come together as a country, to move forward. Forget about the past and move forward toward the past. To the time when womens reproductive rights were womens reproductive wrongs. Sick people stayed sick. You got to just keep your hands of my body. You guys are so libertarian, you want to do whatever you want, you dont want any kind of government interference except you feel entitled to tell me what to do. Yeah, yeah. Its definitely taking a 360 from a typical. And hes an amazing author. He writes big and kickass. Chapter 7, one thing i love is food. Last night i came out with the perfect way to make a Peanut Butter and jelly sandwich. Put Peanut Butter on both sides of the bread. Anyway, weve got to get rid of the mexicans. Hes going to kick ass. Want to buy a flag . Trump stuff trump stuff for sale dont waste your money on official gear when you can get cutrate unofficial gear right here youre laughing but this is not a joke. If this was a joke id say, why is donalds sex life like his last name . They both end in p but its not a joke. Guys want some stuff . Are you guys cops . Youve got to tell me if you are. No celebrities here . Look behind me. Optimus prime this is where forrest gump got aids from jenny. Right there. Right there. Donald trump forever whoo yeah we got to get his clothes off, people wheres waldo in here . The wellknown Bruce Springsteen b street band will not be playing at a washington gala after all. Hello, new jersey are we ready to show washington how we party new jersey style . Sent him over to viet cong he had bone spurs no cong for don he came home to protect his land and kick out all the mexicans come on don in the usa don in the usa how is it to be here . Wonderful, we have a president whos not afraid to say the things that the voices in my head scream. Is this Foreign Press . Nato, thank you finally some nonfake news. Nonfake news usa let me tell you something. The guy who fired sinbad is about to have his hand on the lincoln bible. Americas already great again okay, its all starting to happen, the crowds are filing in. Lets find a place where we can get really, really close to people. Jose can you leave by like later ton today the 45th president of the United States of america, donald j. Trump. Its all happening, its really happening its the purge kiss, kiss, kiss so close. Five bucks to give charles in charge a shoutout. The United States of america is your country. And russias also your country now we also get russia, its a twofer we share one heart, one home. I shared one heart with my brother in the womb but i ended up eating him. America first, America First we will shine. For everyone to follow. The shining stay young together we will make america strong again. Yes its going to get it we will make america safe again. Say it, say it, say it yes, together, we will make America Great again yeah yeah god bless america. The greatest day of my life the greatest day of my life we have a daddy president we have a daddy, daddys home daddys home [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats very sweet. Thank you, jake. How nice. Trump stuff, trump stuff jimmy we have a new show tonight. Trump stuff jimmy be right back with dennis quaid, so stick around [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by gsn. The game show network. United they win, divided they can lose it all. If youre gonna make an entrance. [car driving upon the water] i love the smell of napalm in the morning. No, this is double espresso. Hodor hodor ehhh, hodor. You guys watch game of thrones, right . Inconceivable surely, you cant be serious. I am serious. And dont call me shirley . Thats the unlimited effect. Stream your entertainment and more with unlimited data when you switch to at t wireless and have directv. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. Customer service d. Maam. This isnt a computer. Wait. Youre real . With discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. , like me, anytime. Wow. This is a recording. Really . No, im kidding. 100 u. S. Based customer service. Here to help, not to sell. You have to brave to8 hours of testingcation, in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. Only 50 will pass. Done. So if youre one of them, feel free to brag. Youve earned it. Oh yeah. I want that. Whos next . Im next. After her. After him. The cma certification. Youve got to earn it. Lift up your head and keep moving or let the paranoia haunt you . Everybody lack confidence, everybody lack confidence i keep my feefifofum i keep my heart undone the strong in me, i still smile. Jimmy hi there, welcome back. Tonight, a very funny guy, this is one of the funniest men currently alive right now. He has a new comedy special for netflix called walk your way out, bill burr is here. Then, after bill, this is his forthcoming album titled zombies on broadway, music from Andrew Mcmahon in the wilderness. Tomorrow night, we have a good show. Matthew mcconaughey and Milla Jovovich will be here with music from the americanos and later this week martin short, samuel l. Jackson, edgar ramirez, jason momoa and music from Lady Antebellum and kehlani. Please join us for all that. In his long and storied career, our first guest has survived great white sharks, space travel, lindsay lohan, you name it. His new movie a dogs purpose. That cant be him. Is that him . It is him its him yes yes, its him hey, hey, hey its me Bailey Bailey bailey doodle dog after all these lives id actuall