Im glad im here. Being on the west coast of the United States is not such a good thing anymore. I woke up this morning like good, okay, were still alive. [ laughter ] is anybody else on edge because of the north korea stuff yesterday . Walking around the house looking for things i could hide under. It was really then i was worrying about this and i came up with a theory. And hear me out on this because it made me feel better and maybe it will work for you too. Heres the theory. Maybe kim jong un is just trying to ruin Donald Trumps vacation. [ laughter ] maybe thats whats going on here. Hes playing golf . [ cheers and applause ] lets put a scare into him. What rhymes with bomb . Guam . Okay. [ laughter ] so all night last night everyones on edge about north korea. We have no idea whats next. So this morning at 7 56 a. M. The president tweets my first order as president was to renovate and modernize our nuclear arsenal. It is now far stronger and more powerful than ever before, dot dot dot. [ laughter ] and now after he tweets this totally untrue statement he makes us wait seven minutes before dot dot dot. Hopefully we will never have to use this power but there will never be a time we are not the most powerful nation in the world. Okay, you can get away with a dot dot dot stuff when youre tweeting about cnn or rosie odonnell. But kim jong un, in the time between those tweets kim jong un could have a Nuclear Missile halfway to my house. Okay . [ laughter ] this is not dot dot dot time. Its not not not is what im saying. So trump also reposted a video of himself warning that north korea would be met with fire and fury. He reposted the video of himself. Which is like the president ial equipment of liking your own facebook post. [ laughter ] its really unacceptable. This is interesting but not surprising. Apparently, trump improvised that line about the fire and fury. He didnt run it by his advisers or anybody. He just blurted it out like a neighborhood drunk on the street corner. [ laughter ] fortunately, the response from the secretary of state Rex Tillerson was more restrained. He caught up with reporters on a flight to guam, actually to refuel on his way home from malaysia where he told everyone calm down and just take a breath. I think americans should sleep well at night and no concerns about this particular rhetoric of the last few days. Jimmy okay, good, i feel better already. [ cheers and applause ] tillerson, he said trump was just speaking in a language kim jong un would understand. I dont know. Was that korean . I didnt think it was. [ laughter ] the idea that we should have no concerns about the fact our president is saying hes going to rain fire and fury on north korea . If our president was Daenerys Targaryen id have no concerns. But hes not. So i have concerns. This problem with north korea and the nukes is not an easy one to fix for anyone. President s clinton, president bush, president obama all tried different strategies and they didnt work. And so far trumps strategy of playing multiple rounds of golf and watching fox friends is not working either. [ laughter ] the bottom line is we cannot afford to have an unstable, unpredictable, ego maniac dictator in charge of an arsenal of nuclear weapons. And kim jong un has to be stopped too. [ laughter ] so anyway [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thanks, everybody. While the president is at his golf club in new jersey issuing threats this is whats going on at the white house today. Behind the white house over your shoulder we see this shot all the time. What is that . Shep, it appears to be a very large chicken display. [ laughter ] a what . Seriously . Well, im looking at the same images there we go. That you are over my shoulder. Thats right. I dont have a whole lot of information other than to tell you that that chicken is not something that is normally present at that location behind the white house. [ laughter ] jimmy normally the only chickens at the white house are fried and in a bucket. [ laughter ] this is reportedly the work of protesters, which is probably not helpful right now. If trump sees people calling him a chicken he could wind up bombing rhode island to prove he isnt. Hes very sensitive. You know, theres a story from vice, a news story, the president gets a folder filled with positive news stories about him not once but twice a day. If he eats his vegetables he gets a third one too. [ laughter ] could you imagine that . Theres like a folder version of Kellyanne Conways mouth. According to the story, these folders typically theyre like 20 to 25 pages long. By the way, this is the same guy who cant be bothered to read a threepage daily intelligence briefing. But you know hes going over every word of these complimentary articles. And not only are there news stories. They also print out what they describe as admiring tweets. Mr. President , good news. Big rig bob 39 thinks youre killing it. [ laughter ] and then i guess he smiles. Apparently, Reince Priebus and sean spicer used to fight over who got to deliver the folder, hoping it would keep them in the president s good graces. And by the way, it didnt work. [ laughter ] i do want to say, though, i dont know why its a big deal that i dont know. The president has people deliver good news. I have my staff do the same thing every day. Do you have my yeah. Guillermo heres the folder, your grace. Jimmy thank you very much, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] lets see what we have in here. Oh, this is nice. Top of the show in top form as funny man enters to rapturous applause. Nice. Personal one. Former sexual partners declare kimmel greatest lover. [ laughter ] cosmetic surgeons flooded with requests for the kimmel look. Oh, and this is nice. Oprah names james kimmel alltime favorite thing. Well, thats nice. [ laughter ] thank you, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] this is probably not in the president s good news folder today. According to the washington post, the fbi last month conducted an Early Morning raid on Paul Manaforts home. Paul manafort was Trumps Campaign manager who hid his ties to russia. The fbi was worried hed hold back key documents. So in the wee hours of the morning they raided his house. If this presidency was the movie goodfellas wed be at the part where the helicopters are flying over. [ laughter ] this is good. There are a lot of very depressing stories from the world of politics, but this one in kansas they have an election for governor coming up and even though it doesnt happen until next year its already shaping up to be an interesting race. Throwing their hats into the ring for governor, two teenagers. Believe it or not, Jack Ferguson and Alexander Klein are juniors in high school, not even old enough to vote yet. But theres nothing in the state constitution preventing their candidacy. They say theyll run as democrats. Among the issues thatll be on their platform are Marijuana Legalization and an increase in the minimum wage. Jimmy who would have guessed theyd be for Marijuana Legalization . [ laughter ] well, i wanted to know more about these young men. So we tracked one of them down. And joining us now, the next governor of the great state of kansas, Jack Ferguson. Hello, jack. How are you doing . Hi. Nice to see you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy where are you right now, jack . Im in my bedroom in wichita. Jimmy your bedroom. Is that state flag always hanging in the bedroom . Yep. It is. Jimmy why are you running for governor . Well, ive always wanted to i think one of the major things is i want to get the Younger Generation involved in politics. You know, ive been interested in politics since i was 7 or 8 years old during the barack obama president ial campaign. Jimmy okay. But ever since governor brownback and trump ive started to notice that politics is kind of degenerating in our country and we need the Younger Generation to get involved in order to fix that. Jimmy but people your age arent legally allowed to vote. So really what are they going to do . Have you thought about voting for Student Council instead . Well, you know, that no, i dont think that makes as big of an impact. Jimmy now, who is your running mate . Who is that kid thats running with you . Alexander klein. Hes also hes been a friend of mine since the beginning of high school. We attend school together. Jimmy and he would be your Lieutenant Governor . Yes. That would be correct. Jimmy have you asked any of the girls at school to be your first lady . [ laughter ] you know, i havent thought about that yet, but something to think about. Jimmy if you were to win, would you move to the Governors Mansion . And if so, would your parents then move in with you . Well, i would definitely move. But i dont know what they would want to do. But yes, i would definitely move. Jimmy is there any dirt on you, any skeletons, anything you just want to get out of that closet right now . No. I dont think theres anything that nothing major personal scandal. Jimmy is there truth to the rumor that youre just trying to get a Campaign Manager so you have a person to buy you beer . [ laughter ] no, no. That is a falsehood. Jimmy have you met with the russians but not a bad idea. Jimmy the russians seem to be good with this sort of thing. Have you met with them . No, no, no. I havent had a single call from the kremlin yet. Jimmy do you have a job right now . Yes. I work at my familys restaurant, his burgers and bobbles here in wichita. Jimmy whats the name of the restaurant . Fizz, burgers and bottles. Jimmy and would you keep working there if you were governor or would you have to put that on the side . No, no. But id be making enough money anyway. It wouldnt really matter. [ laughter ] jimmy ive got to tell you, a few years ago i would have said this was impossible. But now it probably is it might even be probable that you could be the next governor of kansas. Jack, do you know what the kansas state bird is . The meadowlark. Jimmy thats absolutely correct. Maybe you will win governor. Most people will say the jayhawk. Keep us posted and good luck making kansas great again. I hope you win this thing. Thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy were going to take a break. We come back, well have oh, a new thing. Books for dogs and the funniest word in the english language will be revealed. So stick around. Well be right back. 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[ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. Welcome back to the show. Jim parsons, damson idris and music from the war on drugs is all on the way. But first i have big news for dog owners. You know how they have audio books you can listen to instead of reading when youre in the car or whatever . I guess theyre very successful because theyre now available for dogs. Hi. Im cesar milan and im excited to talk to you about my new project i Just Launched with audible called audible for dogs. Weve seen research that audio books have a common effect on our dogs. If you want to learn more about how audio books can help your dog download my free guide from audible. Jimmy or dont. The dog wont know either way. [ laughter ] of course this seems like a ridiculous idea. It seems like a big waste of money until you realize, you know, statistics show more than 99 out of 100 dogs are illiterate. [ laughter ] i know. Its very sad. So this is supposedly good for the dogs. Supposedly it calms them down. And the books they pick for them are titles that i guess interest them. The dog vinci code. Game of bones. Eat stay sit. For whom the ball rolls. And of course moby stick. The classic. But guillermo, this is similar to a product i know you are working on. Thats right. I dont know if youve seen the ads but guillermo has a thing not for dogs, for another pet. Something that is also designed to keep them busy listening to something while youre at work. Guillermo hi. Im guillermo and im excited to talk to you about my new project i Just Launched with mr. Dr. Dre called beats for cats. [ laughter ] now your cat can enjoy high fidelity sound with a stylish design. And you can do this. [ laughter ] our Research Shows that cats love music. Or they hate it. Its hard to tell. Theyre cats. Beats for cats. Because white people will buy anything. Seriously. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy speaking of researchers in the United Kingdom have according to them, theyve scientifically identified the funniest word in the english language, and that word is booty. Maybe thats funny in england. But im not sure that its that funny over here. But to put the research to the test we went out on the street where pedestrians are wandering by to see if saying the word booty to them would make them laugh. Booty. What am i doing . Booty. Boody . Booby . Booty. Booty. Slowly, slowly. Can you speak slowly . Booooty. Booty. Booty. What kind . [ laughter ] booty. Yeah. Booty . What are we supposed to answer on that . Is it a question . Is it like whats booty . Booty. Bootys ass. What is it . Yeah. Theres a study saying booty is the funniest word in the dictionary. No. Its not funny. No. At all. Well, all right. Thanks for taking booty. Yeah, it is funny. Jimmy i dont know. I think it was a flawed study. [ cheers and applause ] i dont know. Booty booty is not the funniest word. Not even close. And in fact tonight, to set the record straight weve compiled a list of the actual funniest words in the english language. Every one of which is funnier than booty. And here now to help me present them, fourtime Emmy Award Winner for best comedy actor, a man who knows funny words. Mr. Jim parsons. Jim . [ cheers and applause ] on this scroll that jim has in his hands are the funniest words in the english language. Jim, are you ready to set them free . Oh, very much so. Jimmy then lets begin. The first word is . Monkey. [ laughter ] canoodle. [ laughter ] gargle. Cockpit. [ laughter ] bigly. [ laughter ] jimmy uranus. [ laughter ] nuts. Jimmy balls. Cumberbatch. Jimmy wenis. Reince priebus. Jimmy horny. Poop. Jimmy albert pujols. Boner. Jimmy nips. Gubernatorial. Jimmy and the number one funniest word in the english language is . Bazinga. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy ill see you in a minute. Tonight on the show we have music from the war on drugs. Damson idris is here. And well be right back with this gentleman, jim parsons. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by pa ne ra bread. Visit panera today. You deserve to know whats in your cup. Rok y . We got pencils, yes we do wideruled notebooks, scissors, glue weve got ice cream. Sprinkles, too everything you need to ready, set, go back to school. You totanobodys hurt, new car. But there will still be pain. It comes when your Insurance Company says theyll only pay threequarters of what it takes to replace it. What are you supposed to do . Drive threequarters of a car . Now if you had Liberty Mutual new car replacement™, youd get your whole car back. I guess they dont want you driving around on three wheels. Smart. With Liberty Mutual new car replacement™, well replace the full value of your car. Liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. Ever wonder whats in a beer . 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