Stephen colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes josh duhamel. Justin bartha. And brian greene. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hey, chris how are you . Hey, everybody cheers and applause stephen thanks, folks. Welcome. Thank you for that warm welcome, everybody. Please, have a seat. Youre too kind. Ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, all around the world, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. You know, the Senate Trumpcare bill you heard about this theyre trying to pass audience booing . Stephen well, yeah, thats what i was about to talk about. Theyve suffered some setbacks this week because theres one major flaw to the legislation. And i dont want to get too wonky, but its a hot pile of garbage. cheers and applause so yesterday boy, its been emotional roller coaster on the first sentence of this monologue. Pace yourself. So, yesterday, Senate Majority leader and man trying to keep a bird from escaping his mouth laughter mitch mcconnell, announced that voting on the bill would be delayed until after the fourth of july. Its a smart move. You dont want to strip people of health care until after the holiday that mixes booze and explosives. Okay . And i love it. applause i love it bottle rocket, roman candle. While theyve pulled the bill, republicans say theyre going to come back with something better. So, theyre going to what do you call it . Repeal and replace their bill. And theres a lot of blame to go around. In fact, today, the New York Times said donald trump faltered in his role as a closer. yeah, usually, hes a great closer. Just look at his casinos. cheers and applause but you cant, theyre gone. Theyre gone. Oh just like that. Theyre gone according to the times, trump failed to sway Senate Republicans who didnt support the bill. His top aides didnt lobby for it, and one republican senator said, the president did not have a grasp of some basic elements of the senate plan. as trump whoah, slow down. Slow down. Fellas, start from the beginning. Whats a senate . And, followup question, whats a plan . I like to freeball. And the article, evidently, the times got under, i want to say, skin, because he tweets a fake news joke. A fake news joke. Let me see, fake news joke. Okay, heres one. The New York Times, cnn, and msnbc walk into a bar because youve driven the media to drink. cheers and applause that sounds good. I could go for a little. A little cooliepop right now. Trump also claims he does understand the plan, some of the Fake News Media likes to say that i am not totally engaged in health care. Wrong. I know the subject well and want victory for u. S. Pj. Yes, he totally understands health care. He thinks you can win it. At the next olympics, at the next olympics, the u. S. Will take gold in the 400meter prostate exam. Gentleman, start your colons. Jon and i will not be participating. Stephen theres no way to prova what that means. And when trump met with republican senators yesterday, he also demonstrated his mastery of the health care bill. This will be great if we get it done. And if we dont get it done, its just going to be something that were not going to like. And thats okay, and i understand that very well. Stephen okay . laughter okay. We should have seen that coming. After all, it was always on his hat cheers and applause very tall hat. Very tall hat. Its got a real elmer fud feel to it. But trump hasnt given up. Today, the chicago cubs came to the white house for some photographs with President Trump its part of the deal they cut with lucifer sign here. And the president took the opportunity to assure a worried nation. Health care is working along very well. We could have a big surprise with a Great Health Care package. So, now theyre happy. What do you mean by big surprise, sir . I think youre going to have a great, great surprise. Its going to be great. Stephen and, of course, a surprise is exactly what you want with your health care. Mr. Johnson, a great surprise for you. Very positive development. All your tests came back positive, okay. I dont know whos going to pay for it. Surprise applause dr. Trump. cheers and applause enjoy of course, even though the republicans control every branch of government, trump knows whos to blame the democrats. We wont get one democrat vote, not one. And if it were the greatest bill ever proposed in mankind, we wouldnt get a vote. Stephen wait, is the greatest bill ever proposed in mankind an option here . Because you should just propose that because this one suction. Thats not just me. Thats not just me saying it. Because how bad does it suck . According to a new poll, only 12 of americans approve of the Senate Health care bill. Jee, i dont know why democrats wont get on board the s. S. Trumpcare. as trump you guys want to go for a river cruise . So far, all we have is the anchor. Here, hold this and jump in the water. cheers and applause and the New York Times is not the only media outlet trump is mad at. Yesterday, i told you that the Washington Post discovered that a Time Magazine with trump on lot of trumps resorts is fake. Come on, mr. President. You can do better than that. If youre going to fake a magazine cover, put yourself on the cover of o. Living his best life. Radiant. So, this morning, trump fired back the amazonwashingtonpost, sometimes referred to as the guardian of amazon not paying internet taxes which they should is fake news first of all, thats a fake tweet. laughter amazon does pay taxes. They collect sales tax, and theres no such thing as internet taxes. Second, mr. Trump, we know you think the Washington Post is fake news. You dont have to keep telling us. I mean, obama didnt wake up every morning and tweet still first black president. Iamthedream cheers and applause didnt do it. Didnt have to. Didnt have to. Oh, hey, this is important. I should have said this at the beginning of the monologue. If youre watching this on your computer later youre going to want to hose that thing out. If you havent heard, theres been another global cyber attack. This time, hackers unleashed a virus called goldeneye, which you may remember as the name of pierce brosnans first james bond film. Which means its a pretty good virus, but your dad still thinks Sean Connerys malware was better. applause we miss you, sean. Hes alive, right . Hes alive. Okay. Goldeneye is ransomware, which is a kind of software that locks up your computer until you pay a ransom to the hacker. The virus started in ukraine, where it hit banks, cash machines, gas stations, and supermarkets. It was an unprecedented assault on ukrainian todo lists, and i laughter it wasnt just errands that were affected. The virus hit the radiation monitoring at chernobyl, forcing it into manual operation. The manual backup, of course, is a guy running up and down the hallways screaming, oh, god, why did i take the job as i. T. Guy at chernobyl . Why didnt i go to law school or improv comedy . applause so so little applause for chernobyl these days. laughter this attack even made it down under, according to australias minister of cyber security. I can confirm that there has been two Australian Companies which have been impacted by ransomware overnight. Stephen using strong australian accent now, to make sure me lappys not chockers with bugs, im gonna bash down to the apple store and throw it on the genius barbie laughter applause thats not a virus. Dingos hacked me laptop. Now, dont think youre safe, folks, because the virus has already spread to america, where companies such as the drug maker merck, as well as oreo and nabisco. No our president ial elections are one thing, but how dare you hack our drugs and our cookies . Thats how we cope with the results of our president ial election, okay . Doublestuffed xanax. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Josh duhamel is here. But when we return, gay wedding cakes are somehow news again. Stick around band playing school. I think its time we mixed things up. Oh yeah, in your face and in conclusion, cats. Four flavors, four shapes. Cheetos xtra cheesy mixups. Allthat was amazing. E sitting. The ceiling is all spider webs. We missed grandpas 99th birthday. Im actively trying to stand up right now. And his funeral. Oh i have a beard. Oh a chip. laughter Binge Watching isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Thanks captain obvious. How long have you been here . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. Nosy neighbor with a glad bag, full of trash. What happens next . Nothing. Only glad has febreze to neutralize odors for 5 days. Guaranteed. Even the most perceptive noses wont notice the trash. Be happy. Its glad. More people are choosing nissan. Its americas best sales event at nissan the fastestgrowing auto brand in the u. S. A. Take on every day get 0 for up to 72 months on 13 models. How was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody, right there. Come on, tickle the rocks. cheers and applause . Stephen thank you, jon. Jon i feel good. Stephen im very excited. Jon, im very excited. We have our friend brian greene. Jon oh, yeah, yeah. Stephen our theoretical quantum string theerm is here tonight. If you guys dont know him, hes amazing. Hes going to be out here and i dont want to give anything away, we are going to levitate. I am not joking. We are going to levitate tonight, quantum levitation. Jon have you ever done it before . Stephen ive never done it with people watching. Very private. Folks, monday was the Supreme Courts last day before their annual summer recess. Now the justices are off to do their favorite summer activity aging. It also means huge agers. It also means the hazing period is finally over for new Supreme Court justice neil gorsuch. What a relief. He still hasnt gotten over the time Ruth Bader Ginsburg gave him that atomic robeie. Shes a tough one. Shes a tough one. And gorsuch may already be making an impact, because the Court Announced it will be taking on a case they refused to hear in the past. Theyll soon be ruling on a colorado baker who refused to sell a wedding cake to a gay couple. Usually, its a lot happier news when you hear a story about getting baked in colorado. The bakers lawyers bakery fans. Colorado bakery fans out there. applause the bakers lawyers claim hes a very religious man and that his refusal isnt purely about gay marriage. The baker also turned down orders for cakes celebrating halloween and other messages his faith prohibits, such as racism and atheism. Hold on. Hold on a second. Whos ordering atheist cakes . laughter i dont know what that would be. What do those say . Happy birthday, billy there is no god. You are one year closer to the hungering maw of oblivion. applause but that looked like a good cake. That looked like a good cake. But the colorado baker isnt only making a religious argument. His lawyers are citing the bakers artistic freedom, arguing every american should be free to choose which art they will create and which art they wont create without fear of being unjustly punished by the government. And he is not the only baker using his Artistic License to rain on gay couples big day. Joining me now, live via satellite from kansas, is baker daniel st. John daniels. Give it up, everybody. Mr. Daniels, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me, stephen. Stephen so, mr. Daniels, you wedding cakes to samesex couples . Yes, stephen. I am an artist. And as an artist, i am very closedminded about sexuality and trying new things. laughter stephen okay, have you faced any backlash . Absolutely, stephen. Before i opened my own bakery, i was fired from carvel because i refused to use the letters l, g, b, t or q. And no kids wanted a fudie heh whae. laughter stephen thats understandable. Thats perfectly understandable. So, what kind of cakes will you make . Anything that doesnt offend my artistic sensibilities. For instance, just today, i made this birthday cake for a fiveyearold featuring pikachu saying his famous catch phrase, sodomy is a sin stephen so what next . I assume youll be watching the Supreme Court case closely. Yes, me and my boyfriend, allen, will be glued to the news. Stephen what . What . Wait what . Hold on what . Why did you take a drink . Stephen i forgot to drink before you told me that. You have a boyfriend . Yes, but i keep telling him i dont want to get married i mean, where would we even get a cake, alan. Stephen daniel st. John daniels, everyone well be right back with josh duhamel. band playing when bold espresso meets ice flavors are transformed, afternoons get more refreshing. From the bold starbucks double shot on ice to the sweet iced caramel macchiato. Meet a friend and chill together. From june 27th to july 2nd buy any grande iced expresso beverage, get one free between 2 and 5pm. Goal nitedhealthcare, you can get rewarded for waldad. We wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. Walk, move and earn money. For outofpocket medical expenses. Hes ok unitedhealthcare cheers and applause stephen oh, kids. Oh, kids. Stephen welcome back, y first guest has been fighting the decepticons for a decade. Now, hes back in transformers the last knight. Hold your fire hold it. The military doesnt want to just wait. You have to believe that. Its a new world order now and these guys are calling the shots. All they want is a home, and you know it. You push them ask they push right back. Me and my crew are rolling out of here. Lets go. Theyre not going to touch us. Negative decept conactivity. Stand fast. Drop your guns. You sure you dont want to shoot . Im a big old target. Wusses. Whos side are you on . Theyre all bad. No, theyre not. Stephen please welcome josh dumel band playing stephen come on up. Hello, everybody what a beautiful theater you have here. Stephen i just want to wash everybody at home. I just want to warm everybody at home. We didnt switch places. Thats jos josh duhamel. Im at the desk. Stephen i want to ask you a couple of questions, the first the world is coming to an end in this movie, right . The world is always coming toab end in these movie s. Stephen your characters hair looks fantastic there. I was thinking the same thing. Stephen Mark Wahlbergs hair looks terrible, but you have loft. You have control. Im a colonel now. Stephen, of course, youre a colonel. Youre colonel william lennox. You dont have to tell me. Youre from the dakotas. Stephen the Transformer Reaction force. Yes, i am, i am, as a matter of fact. Stephen you guys react. You play the colonel you react to the transformers when they show up. Im part of the crew tasked with lipinating all transformers from the face of the earth. Stephen even the autobot . Even the autobot. Stephen even the bumblebee. Vicon flicts with it. Stephen you have conflict with the autobots . Im working as a double agent. Stephen dont tell me anymore dont tell me anymore this is important stuff, stephen. Stephen what. This is important stuff. I have a real relationship with these autobots. Stephen what knight, what is it the last knight . Is there autobot jousting in this . Why is there without giving too much away . Why not. It sort of is meant to show how much theyve been involved in human history, the stephen the autobots have been around fair while . The transformers in general. Theres a lot of mythology in this whereon. It really focused on how impactful they have been in certain intgrail moment s. Stephen i heard theres king arthur in this. Did i give too much away . Tell me the entire movie and leave nothing out. We answer very important questions like how stonehedge got there. Stephen let me guess, transformers. Im going to go out on a limb and say alien robotz. Its not only entertaining but its educational. Stephen youre being bad to your children if you dont take them, parents. Michael bay movie, obviously. How michael bay does this movie get . This is very much michael bay. Stephen full bay . He is full bay. He is full bay. Stephen these movies scare me a little bit. They do. And i took my threeyearold, by the way. Stephen i have a picture. Im a horrible father. Stephen okay if we show you right here. This is you, your lovely wife, fergie, and your son axle right there. Look at that. Shes a lovely person. Shes a lovely person. She really is. Stephen you took axle . Hes three. I figured its the last time i would be able to take him to one of these movies. He loves transformers. Stephen why the last time gidont know if there are going to be any more transformers, at least with me. Stephen dont even joke about that, josh. I didnt know it was such a soft spot. But thank you. I figured this plieivet time they get a chance to take him to one of these movies, even though hes not even four years old yet. It was funny because i have a niece and nephew who are twins and are eight and they fell asleep halfway through the movie. Which in and of itself is almost impossible. Which, if you have been to the movie it is loud. And they were out cold. My little boy stayed up eating popcorn and watch from 9 00 to 11 30 at night. I know, im a horrible father. Stephen these movies are extraordinarily loud. Thats part of their draw for me. Thats the scary part for me. I saw, whats the one revenge of the fallen . That was my third one. Stephen it was only the second movie. No, that was the third movie. Stephen revenge of the fallen i think it was the second movie. Dark of the moon was the third movie. How do you know that . Stephen ive watched these movies. I have seen these movies. I have children. I have two boys. I have seen these movies. The lights come up on the screen and we see some scene and the sound hasnt even come on yet and im like, this is loud. I can hear how high the speakers are turned. Thi it is an assault to the senses, these movies. I have to say, while we were shooting it i was confused. I remember asking wahlberg, so, where are we right now . Are we 50,000 feet above the earth or 2,000 feet below the sea.