[ light laughter ] Hillary Clinton will be the 2017 Commencement Speaker at Wellesley College while joe biden is getting ready for freshman orientation at umass. [ laughter and applause ] back in the game former president obama was spotted on vacation in the Virgin Islands yesterday, wearing a backwards baseball cap and flipflops, and completely ignoring the bat signal. [ laughter and applause ] oh, oh. Im done. Im out of the game. I dont do that anymore. I have my flipflops on. [ light laughter ] hat backwards. I dont do it. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie yesterday, slammed the rollout of President Trumps executive order on immigration, saying it was terrible. Added christie, it was the worst rollout since that time i got stuck in a hammock. [ laughter and applause ] cnn will host a debate next week between senators ted cruz and bernie sanders, theyre calling it alien versus senator. [ laughter and applause ] Hillary Clinton [ applause ] Hillary Clinton is reportedly writing a book of personal essays due to be released this fall. It will be the First Political memoir written entirely in all caps. [ laughter ] according to a recent report, u. S. Bacon reserves have hit a 50 year low. I cant talk now, chris, said trump, trying to get off the phone. [ laughter ] i read it this morning and i rolled right out of my hammock. According to a new survey, 9 00 a. M. On a sunday morning is the most popular time for couples to have sex. Okay. So fair warning, they will kick you out of ihop. [ laughter ] a team of researchers in the netherlands recently built a 46footlong bridge made with cannabis hemp, finally, a bridge everybody wants to burn. [ light laughter ] scientists at a dutch zoo, are planning to study how primates choose suitable mates by using a program known as tinder for orangutans. Uh, i think i downloaded that one. Said everyone using regular tinder. [ laughter and applause ] orangutan, orangutan, orangutan. Gibbon. A ferret, you guys, a ferret. [ light laughter ] a ferret is recovering after receiving a heart pacemaker, during a surgery at kansas state university. [ audience aws ] the bad news, it wasnt for him. [ laughter ] you gave it to a what . [ light laughter ] i was on a waiting list. A ferret . [ light laughter ] i was going to say something, but its well, she died right after the picture. [ audience oohs ] its not, no she didnt you guys. The ferret the ferret died. [ light laughter ] according to a new study, the average person wastes three days of their life, waiting on the phone for customer service. And thats just from one call to timewarner. [ laughter and applause ] and finally tonight, hitlers phone from world war ii, will reportedly be sold at a auction in the u. S. Later this month. His phone number is nein [ laughter ] thats a really thats a really good joke. Ladies and gentlemen [ laughter ] we have a fantastic show for you tonight. She [ cheers and applause ] is the star of the sequel to 50 shades of grey, 50 shades darker, Dakota Johnson is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] very happy to have her back. Hes the lead anchor of nbcs sunday today, willie geist is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from the great indie rock band, paper route, is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] so youre here on a wonderful night. I dont know if you saw this last night, in a prime time address, President Trump nominated neil gorsuch to the vacant seat on the Supreme Court, and asked this question to the assembled press. So was that a surprise . Seth which brings us to a segment we call a couple things. [ cheers and applause ] first thing, so, was that a surprise . I dont know how to tell you this, mr. President , but no. 12 days into your presidency, the part of me that can be surprised is dead. [ light laughter ] if you had nominated a rabid bat in a judicial robe, i would have said that tracks. [ light laughter ] second thing is, everyone has pointed out, you did this like a reality show. These decisions are important. Americans only like reality shows because they have nothing to do with reality. No one would enjoy the bachelor if it had realworld consequences. Ooh, if he gives her the rose, abortions will be illegal. [ light laughter ] third thing, it must suck to be Merrick Garland today. He was picked by obama and that sat on the sideline for an entire year. This is like the final scene of rudy, but instead of putting him in the game, the coach just points at him, and says rudy, go [ bleep ] yourself. [ laughter and applause ] fourth thing, at least with gorsuch, trump picked an expert in his field. You may not like his positions, but he went to law school and is currently a judge. Meanwhile, rick perry probably thinks the secretary of energys in charge of making sure the white house smoke alarms have fresh batteries. [ light laughter ] fifth thing, anyone who was hoping for a woman or a person of color, was kidding themselves. It was always gonna be a white guy. And neil gorsuch looks like the silhouette facebook gives you, when you dont have a profile picture yet. [ laughter and applause ] next next to neil gorsuch, Merrick Garland looks like soul brother number one. Side thing, does anyone have eyes on Ruth Bader Ginsberg right now . And if so, can you put her in one of those protective sleeves people use for rare baseball cards . This is very important. Final thing, this is a great day for conservatives who didnt like trump, but supported him for the very reason that he would pick a Supreme Court justice to their liking. Basically you ate [ bleep ] for the last two years, but today, you crapped out a diamond. But heres the bettyadewure [ bn the menu tomorrow. [ light laughter ] as to the role trump perceives, for gorsuch, lets hear it in his own words. Today i am keeping another promise, to the american people. By nominating judge neil gorsuch to be of the United StatesSupreme Court, to be of the United StatesSupreme Court. [ laughter ] seth sorry, i put you on the spot. You can do better, im sure. Uh, try again . I promise to select someone who respects our laws, and is representative of our constitution, and who loves our constitution and someone who will interpret them as written. Seth them . [ light laughter ] how many constitutions does he think we have . [ laughter ] theres one for the muslims, one for the hispanics. Theres one for me, thats the best one. It has all the amendments. All t for the articles. This has been a couple things. [ cheers and applause ] today you guys, today is the beginning of black History Month. And in honor of that, donald trump gave a speech at an event. There he is. The speech has been widely criticized. But some people enjoyed it. Here to talk about it, please welcome one of our writers, amber ruffin. [ cheers and applause ] seth, i stand before you a changed woman. Now i heard all the criticisms. People said his speech was awkward and disconnected, but i think you just have to know how to listen to it, really listen to it, and you will see it rivals the famous i have a dream speech. [ throat clearing ] during this month we honor the tremendous history of africanamericans throughout our country, throughout the world, if you really think about it, right . Think about it. [ light laughter ] and their story is one of unimaginable sacrifice, hard work, and faith in america. Now who knows more about hard work than donald trump . [ light laughter ] ive gotten a real glimpse, during the campaign. Id go around with ben carson [ light laughter ] to a lot of different places, i wasnt so familiar with. [ light laughter ] now, hes talkin about where like black people live. [ light laughter ] theyre incredible people. And i want to thank ben carson,. Who is also black. [ light laughter ] i know its hard to tell. Who is going to be heading up hud. You read all about dr. Martin luther king a week ago, when somebody said i took the statue out of my office. Now heres where we take a quick break from black history. It turned out that that was fake news, fake news. Now this is where he gets a little sidetracked, and starts complaining about the media. But they said the statue, the bust of Martin Luther king, was taken out of the office, and it was never even touched. So i think it was a disgrace. But thats the way the press is. Very unfortunate. Almost as unfortunate as the history of black america. What were we talking about . [ light laughter ] i am very proud now that we have a museum on the national mall, where people can learn about reverend king. And hes back to black history. So many other things. Frederick douglass is a example of somebody whos done an amazing job, and is being recognized more and more i noticed. [ light laughter ] now here we learn, he likes Frederick Douglass so much that he thinks hes still alive. [ laughter ] i think thats great. Harriet tubman, rosa parks, and millions more black americans, who made america what it is today. And paris. Now, i dont know who paris is, but here he starts talking about someone named paris. Has done an amazing job in a very hostile cnn community. Hes all by himself, youll have seven people and paris. [ light laughter ] and ill take paris over the seven dwarves . [ light laughter ] but i dont watch cnn, so i dont get to see you as much as i used to. I dont like watching fake news, but fox has treated me very nice. Wherever fox is, thank you. Hes talking about jamie foxx there. [ laughter ] i want to thank my Television Star over here, omarosas actually a very nice person, nobody knows that. [ laughter ] what better way to celebrate black History Month, than by throwing some shade. So, i want to thank everyone for being here. Its black History Month and no one knows more about [ cheers and applause ] more about, more about black History Month than president donald [ bleh ] i cant say it, i cant say it. [ cheers and applause ] seth amber ruffin, everybody well be right back with Dakota Johnson. [ cheers and applause ] big mac, mac jr, grand mac too. Thats three mac sizes made just for you so no matter where you might be at theres a big mac for that chorus big mac for that shoe game inspired . Views keep getting higher . Ahhhhh chorus theres a big mac for that you got a text back . Oooo. Can you freeze it like that . Chorus big mac for that wait. Theres three big macs for that actually. Lets go juicy, cheesy, iconic big mac. Now in three sizes, but only for a limited time. Im lovin it ba da ba ba ba remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. A heart attack doesnt or how healthy you look. No matter who you are, a heart attack can happen without warning. A bayer aspirin regimen can help prevent another heart attack. Be sure to talk to your doctor before you begin an aspirin regimen. Bayer aspirin. Mom,on my Car Insurance of money by switching to geico. I should take a closer look at geico. You know, geico can help you save money on your Homeowners Insurance too . Great geico can help insure our mountain chalet how long have we been sawing this log . Um, one hundred and fourteen years. Man i thought my arm would be a lot more jacked by now. Im not even sure this is real wood. Theres no butter in this churn. Do my tris look okay . Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. Im not the type to smushy garbages. You know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please give it up for the 8g band, right over there. [cheers and applause] also, all this week weve had one of the most respected drummers in the world whos played with everyone from John Mellencamp and smashing pumpkins, to Bruce Springsteen and lady gaga. His new memoir, sex, drums, rock n roll the hardest hitting man in show business, is out now. Kenny aronoff is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Seth thank you so much for being here, buddy. Yeah. Seth our first guest stars as anastasia steele, in the highly anticipated film, 50 shades darker. It opens in theaters everywhere on february 10th. Lets take a look. Where is everyone . You know, its a little early. Your comments on boys fox were interesting. Im not usually into political thrillers. Yeah, well, i think the parallels with dantes inferno are amazing but i you convinced me. Im reading. Oh, thats great. Hey. Hi. Christian, this is jack hyde. Im the boyfriend. Im the boss. What will you have, chris . Seth please welcome back to the show, our friend, Dakota Johnson, everybody. [cheers and applause] how are you . Im good. How are you . Seth good. Its nice to have you back. Im wonderful. Thank you for asking. This is very exciting. This film is a sequel, to a very popular first film, very popular books. Yeah. Seth but its an erotic subject matter, dakota. It is . Seth it is. Its very titillating, this film. [ light laughter ] and the film that proceeded it. But you have titillating. Seth titillating. I know its a terrible word. But it is i did use it correctly. But you have is it weird because these obviously these films are very adult subject mattered is it strange when like younger fans come up to you and say theyre a fan . Well, yeah, yes, i mean im often like, really . But i recently was in a starbucks, getting some coffee. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. Getting some easy listening cds. As you do. [ laughter ] and a kid came up. He was probably 14 or 15, he was like hey, can i get a picture with you. I was like yeah, yeah, of course. And hes like holding the phone out like this, and he says, i actually dont know who you are, but my mom is over there and shes like freaking out. And i look over and this woman is just like face down on the table. [ laughter ] cant make eye contact with me. Seth the only way to bring my mother back to life is a photo of you. Yeah, send your son into the fire. Seth yeah, also, it is that great thing when people feel like they want they need to tell you, cause ive had that happen before, where people all they want a picture but they also want to let you know they dont know who you are. Yeah, theyre like, i actually dont care, but can i, like, get a picture with you . Seth someone else got a picture and now i want one but i dont ill probably never look at it. And as soon as this is over im going to delete it for the storage space. Yeah. Seth i did want to take up your time and make you feel bad. Yeah, and i go home and cry. Seth yeah, it like ruins the week. So this because this film has such a, you know from these very popular books, it seems like when you do press, i found anything you say its a disaster. Seth well, its not a disaster but anything you say, like people, you can give people very click baitey headlines, i feel like. Based on any answer you give. Its not your fault. No. It is truly categorically impossible for me to get it right. Seth to talk about this film in a way where its just a boring thing. When im not like widely taken out context. Seth whats it like how whats an example of how you get taken out of context . Well, i mean, the other day i had someone ask me what my favorite sex toy was. Seth yeah. Which is like, inappropriate. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] and i was like, thats an inappropriate question. Also, if i answer it i cant answer it the right way i also cant if i say like, i said i dont have one. Lets move on. But then the headline was like, she doesnt have one favorite. [ laughter ] so its like i cant win. Its like i either, i hate sex toys so why am i doing this movie, or i love them and im a sex fiend. Seth you should just give an answer just say one that doesnt exist, just be like the scrambler. Yeah. [ laughter ] seth and they say, they dont know what they scrambler is, be like you should find out. Its going to change your life. Yeah. [ laughter ] seems masks. Ive seen masks in the posters for this film. Yeah. Seth like sexy masks. Yeah. Not like gimp masks. [ laughter ] seth no. Not no. Seth no not no, but like the masks are do you find the masks alluring. Is that something alluring . Seth yeah like to wear. If i answer this question, its going to be like, she loves masks. Seth you are included with the gimp mask characters. I know. Seth the headlines going to be, Dakota Johnson has a favorite mask. You wont believe what it is. I know. Truly, its like if i were playing a dental hygienist, would the questions would be like seth do you floss . Do you love peoples teeth . Do you love peoples mouths . Seth is it weird now, like when you floss, do you always think about the movie . [ laughter ] yeah. Seth you do so much press about this movie, and as evidenced by everything thats happened in the last five minutes. It does its an awkward movie to talk about. Do you feel like, especially like, i think for people who dont know, when you do a press junket, there will be a day when you talk to 50 different reporters, who each come in, five minutes at a time, can you sometimes sense that they are awkward talking about this movie . Yes. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] they can also, probably sense that im, that their awkwardness makes me awkward. Seth and then its a big old thing. We all know what its about. Seth yeah. I guess thats true, why are they even asking you about it. You should be like, just watch it. Yeah, i know, why am i even here . Seth a complete waste of bye. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] but i wanted to ask you this, because it seems like americans, obviously, we have our hangups about sex. Do you this is a inter