A bar in washington, d. C. Will offer customers a free round of drinks every time President Trump tweets about former fbi director james comey during his testimony tomorrow. That story again, a bar in washington, d. C. Is having a going out of business sale. [ laughter ] that was how i used to bartend. [ laughter ] pour beer, throw it off the bar. [ light laughter ] President Trump announced his pick for fbi director today on twitter, and you could tell he was excited about it because he spelled fbi with two fefes. [ laughter ] President Trump today announced christopher wray, the attorney for new york governor new Jersey Governor Chris Christie during the bridgegate scandal, as the nomination for fbi director. Donald, youre even giving Chris Christies lawyer a job . [ light laughter ] how cruel are you . I bet you called him personally. Chris, are you sitting down . [ laughter ] i finally decided to hire your friend, the lawyer. [ laughter ] thats it, though. No one else. All right. Have a terrible day, numb nuts. [ applause ] a gate agent for United Airlines allegedly tried to wrestle a musicians 17th century violin out of her hands after the woman refused to put the instrument in the checked luggage. Yet another example of a united employee resorting to violins. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] that was a test and you all passed [ light laughter ] forbes has published a new expose on eric trumps chariety golf tournaments, with a former employee saying that President Trump refused to let eric use Trump Properties free of charge saying, quote, i dont care if its my son or not. Everybody gets billed. And he means that. That does he not care if eric is his son. [ laughter ] north korea said yesterday that the United States decision to pull out of the paris climate agreement is shortsighted and silly. North korea. Man, you know your country is in trouble when a guy with that hair cut is telling you to get with the times. [ laughter ] for a potential upcoming meeting between President Trump and russian president vladimir putin, it is being reported that the press may be excluded. Oh, im sorry may be executed. [ laughter ] according to [ light laughter ] according to reports, ivanka trumps starbucks order is a nonfat vanilla latte. Incidentally, nonfat and vanilla is also how she likes her men. [ laughter ] skinny thats a skinny white boy. Thats right, ivanka trumps starbucks order is a nonfat vanilla latte. But unfortunately, they never seem spell her name right. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a big show for you tonight he is a legendary actor. And his book, if i understood you, would i have this look on my face is out now. Alan alda, everybody. How exciting is that . [ cheers and applause ] i dont know how many of you are watching the third season of fargo . It is on fx. It has been absolutely fantastic. We have one of its stars. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is back on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] so excited to talk to her about that. And these are, without question, two of the funniest guys on tv right now. Their show desus mero on viceland is hilarious. Desus nice and the kid mero join us. [ cheers and applause ] so happy to have them here. But before we get to all that, the entire political world is awaiting former fbi director james comeys Senate Testimony tomorrow. But today, his Opening Statement was published and it provides some damning new information about comeys interactions with the president. For more on this its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth between the constant ongoing turmoil of the russia investigation and the looming threat of comeys testimony tomorrow, President Trumps domestic agenda seems to have completely stalled. So now he is resorting to unconventional tactics to make it look like hes getting things done. For example, you may have seen clips of trump signing a bill on monday to privatize the nations air Traffic Control system. Or at least it looked like a bill signing ceremony. Turns out it was all an act. It may look like the president was signing a bill or an executive order today, but in actually it actually was just a set of principles for congress to act on. Nothing binding. The president held a big flashy signing ceremony to sign a memo being sent to congress to say that these are the ideas that he supports. Thats not a bill signing. That is a memo signing. [ laughter ] seth he made all those people stand around behind him so he could sign an office memo . [ light laughter ] please refrain from microwaving fish in the office kitchen. Get this to congress. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] and trumps agenda trumps agenda is faring just as poorly abroad as it his here at home. On monday, for example, secretary of state Rex Tillerson flew to new zealand. But protesters unhappy with trumps decision to withdraw from the Paris Climate Accord gave tillerson a rough reception. As tillerson was driven around the island nation, journalists there said he was confronted by people giving him the finger en masse. A New York Times reporter on the trip said ive been in motorcades for a couple years now, ive never seen so many people flip the bird at an american motorcade as i saw today. [ cheers ] man, thats the american secretary of state and hes being greeted like a narc at burning man. [ light laughter ] and to be hated by new zealand . Trump hasnt just lost earth, hes lost middle earth. [ light laughter ] even frodo is like, hey, buddy. Heres one finger to rule them all. [ applause ] okay, but so what. The president is holding fake bill signing ceremonies and the secretary of state got a rough reception on a diplomatic trip. I mean, how much worse can things really get . Breaking news. In the last hour, the opening remarks from fired fbi director james comey have been released ahead of tomorrows hearing. Comey details the time that President Trump apparently had asked him about dropping the investigation into michael flynn. From senator john mccain his word describing this Opening Statement, in a word, disturbing. There is a criminal investigation going on of one of the president s top associates. He gets fired. Hes under criminal investigation and the president brings in the fbi director and says please stop your investigation. Right. If that isnt obstruction of justice, i dont know what is. Seth well mr. President , as they say in new zealand [ laughter ] so comeys [ applause ] so comeys Opening Statement is now public and it includes some damning and truly bizarre details about comeys uncomfortable interactions with trump. First of all, just the shear number of conversations comey had with trump is itself weird. Comey says he spoke with president obama just two times. Trump on the other hand, would not leave him alone. He says that he had a total of nine oneonone conversations with President Trump in four months. Three of them were in person, six of them were on the phone. Seth nine times. To put that in perspective, hes only talked to eric five times ever. [ laughter ] and three of those were just, whats your name again . [ light laughter ] then there is comeys account of his infamous dinner with trump. It turns out, comey had no idea the meeting would be a private oneonone encounter. He had called me at lunch time that day and invited me to dinner that night, saying he was going to invite my whole family but decided to have just me this time. With the whole family coming the next time. It was unclear from the conversation who else would be at the dinner, although i assumed there would be others. It turned out to be just the two of us, seated at a small oval table in the center of the green room. Seth so trump invited comey to a dinner without telling him who would be there and then it turned out to be just the two of them. This is starting to sound less like all the president s men and more like a lifetime original movie. [ laughter ] james comey and donald trump star in suspicious attraction. [ laughter ] is it just us for dinner . Yes. And i want to play a song for you. Lady in red [ light laughter ] seth thats all we could afford. [ laughter ] and then comey gave his account of trumps infamous request for a pledge of personal loyalty, a pledge that if nothing else, sounded incredibly awkward. The president said, and im quoting james comey, i need loyalty. I expect loyalty. i didnt move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way during the awkward silence that followed. We simply looked at each other in silence. Seth this sound like a terrible tinder date. [ laughter ] so you said in your profile you like hiking . [ light laughter ] maybe the craziest part of that though is the absurd lengths trump went to to try to get comey to pledge his loyalty, by essentially playing word games with him. He then said, i need loyalty. i replied, you will always get honesty from me. he paused and then said, thats what i want, honest loyalty. i paused and then said, you will get that from me. seth even in conversations trump is a terrible deal maker. [ laughter ] i need loyalty. You can have honesty. Honest loyalty . Sure. And 5 . How you about give me 5 . Done. [ laughter ] sucker. Some parts of the memo read almost like a john grisham novel. Like comeys account of his Oval Office Meeting with trump, where trump asked him about his investigation into former National Security advisor, michael flynn. The president signaled the end of the briefing by thanking the group and telling them all that he wanted to speak to me alone. When the door by the grandfather clock closed and we were alone, the president began by saying, i i want to talk about mike flynn. But heres the weird thing, that wasnt a grandfather clock. That was the vice president. [ laughter and applause ] grandfather clock, what time is it . 4 45, mr. President. [ light laughter ] comey continues in his testimony to describe a phone call from trump in march in which trump went out of his way to insist that he had nothing to do with russia. And again, the details are incredible. The president called me at the fbi. He described the russia investigation as a cloud that was impairing his ability to act on behalf of the country. He said he had nothing to do with russia, had not been involved with hookers in russia, and had always assumed he was being recorded, when in russia. He asked what we could do to lift the cloud . Well, the first thing you can do is not call people out of nowhere and say i was not involved with hookers in russia. [ laughter ] in fact, trump so often spoke in the vague dialect of mobsters that there were times when comey had no idea what he was talking about. In one call, comey told trump that he should have the White House Counsels Office speak directly with the justice department. Trump said he would do that and added because i had been very loyal you to. Very loyal. We had that thing, you know . I did not reply or ask him what meant by that thing. [ laughter ] man, you never you never ask what that thing is. [ laughter ] that thing is never good. You never hear someone say, i stopped by tiffanys to pick up that thing for my wife. Its always, did you take care of the thing out in the pine barrens . Gotta take care of that thing. Now, one of the many questions going into tomorrow has been will trump tweet during the hearing . A reporter for the Washington Post wrote yesterday that President Trump does not plan to put down twitter on thursday. May live tweet if he feels the need to respond. So we could very well see a sitting president live tweeting the testimony of his former fbi director tomorrow, and yet the white house cant seem to get straight what they think of the president s tweets. Should we gloss them over or should we take them seriously . In the gloss them over camp, there was Deputy Assistant to the president and goatee model, sebastian gorka, on cnn. Lets talk about policy. Id like to talk about that is the policy. His tweets are the policy. They are statements from the president of the United States about what he wants. Its not policy of course it is. Its social media, chris. Its social media. Its not social media. You know the difference, right . Its his words, his thoughts. Its not policy. Its not an executive order. Its social media. Please understand the difference. What you are saying . We shouldnt listen to what the president says . You shouldnt obsess about it for not 12 minutes, chris. Were now 20 minutes into this and this is clearly an obsession, chris. [ laughter ] seth the only obsession that matters is the president s obsession with using social media to say unhinged things. Its not our fault for paying attention. Social media wasnt around during the civil war, but if Abraham Lincoln opened his window and shouted nonsense every 20 minutes, the press would have covered it. [ light laughter ] little does the south know i i have big fans to defeat them robert e. Lee is a loser makeamericanwholeagain. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but still, gorkas point was clear, tweets do not equal policy. Got it. Are President Trumps tweets considered official white house statements . The president is the president of the United States so theyre considered official statements by the president of the United States. Seth its so great how often the press secretary has to say the president is the president. [ light laughter ] its like he needs to remind himself or get confirmation. I mean hes the president , right . Right . [ light laughter ] until now, republicans have been able to side step the question of trumps unhinged statements by simply dismissing them as tweets. Almost as if they didnt come from trump himself. Just yesterday, Senate Majority leader Mitch Mcconnell was asked about trumps attacks on the mayor of london and tweets about the travel ban and he said this i can only say what ive said before. Im not a fan of the president s tweets. And that still remains my view. Seth if youre not a fan of the president s tweets, then youre not a fan of the president. You cant say you dislike what a person says and does, but then still defend that person. Its like saying, i like ted bundy, i just didnt love the murders though. [ laughter ] although, apparently, not every republican has a great relationship with trump right now. Trump is reportedly so upset at attorney general Jeff Sessions for recusing himself from the russia investigation that when asked about their relationship yesterday, White House PressSecretary Sean Spicer would not even say whether or not trump still has confidence in his own attorney general. How you would describe the president s level of confidence in the attorney general Jeff Sessions . I have not had a discussion with him about that. You cant say he has confidence in his attorney general . I said i have not had a discussion with him on the question. I dont if i havent had a discussion with him about a subject, i tend not to speak about it. Seth also, this is becoming an increasingly common refrain from spicer. In fact, it seems like theres a lot of stuff that he and trump just dont talk about. I have not asked the president since the last time we spoke about this. I have not asked the president. I have not talked to him about the specific qualities hes looking forward to to seeing. Honestly, i havent asked him. I honestly havent asked him that specific question. I have not had an opportunity to have that discussion. I literally have not had that conversation. I have not discussed that with the president. Seth look guys, i dont talk to the president , okay . [ light laughter ] im not even allowed to look at him. He says my eyes are too sad and spooky. [ laughter ] so trumps agenda is completely stalled. His staff cant stop him from tweeting. And now, the former fbi director has confirmed that president tried to interfere in a criminal investigation of one of his associates. Things are falling apart for trump. In fact, the best you can you say about him right now is this the president is the president of the United States [ light laughter ] seth there you go. This has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with alan alda, everybody. 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