Crew. Questlove 660, missouri steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, that feels good. Welcome. Thank you very, very, very much. And welcome to you. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome at home as well. Welcome to the tonight show. This is it, baby. [ cheers and applause ] this is the show. This is the one to be at. You m well, heres what people are all talking about. This weekend was the big march for science, the big march. And there was a lot of Animal Rights activists protesting trumps policies on endangered species. Trump was like, i love endangered species. [ light laughter ] thats why i refuse to drink the new unicorn frappuccino at starbucks. [ laughter and applause ] i would not order that at all. All right, i had two, but after that, im full. No more. Actually, environmental activists say that trumps border wall would disrupt the migration of hundreds of species. Animals were like, no problem. Well just tunnel under it like everyone else. No worries. [ laughter and applause ] go right underneath. I saw that bill nye the science guy spoke at the march in d. C. And said that the Founding Fathers promoted science in article one of the constitution. Trump was like, eh, i dont read it for the articles. [ laughter and applause ] but trump actually responded to the marches. In fact, to prove that he loves science, he released his own science dictionary. Check out some of the definitions that he wrote here. For example, absolute zero is a term to describe mike pences personality. [ laughter and applause ] steve wow. Who knew . Jimmy next up, Ferdinand Magellan is the doctor who created massaging gel insoles. [ light laughter ] thats [ scattered applause ] steve i got to put my gel in. Sure. [ laughter ] jimmy in no particular order, he has halebopp. That is a popular 90s song written by hanson. [ light laughter ] oh, i know that. Steve oh, yeah. Halebopp bop bop duba duba da du next up, the universe is what revolves around donald j. Trump. Well, thats interesting. Steve oh [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] ho, hey jimmy and finally, an Asteroid Belt is how Chris Christie keeps his pants on. Steve oh, come on. [ laughter and applause ] j steve it cant be right. Jimmy well, i dont know. Steve i never. Jimmy but now, trump trump says now the wall will cost less than 10 billion, but it could be more if he makes it, quote, super duper. [ laughter ] steve come on jimmy and taxpayers say, wait a second. You never said it could be super duper. [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ] well, honey, this walls going to be super duper [ light laughter ] super duper. Yesterday, trump sent a tweet about the proposed border wall that was just a little bit confusing. Did you see this . This is real. It says, eventually, but at a a later date, so we can get started early [ light laughter ] mexico will be paying in some form for the badly needed border wall. [ laughter ] so to clear things up, trump sent another tweet that said, right now we are building a a wall in the future starting two hours ago tomorrow. [ light laughter ] today mexico will pay us, not in money and not today, but [ laughter and applause ] when that still didnt clarify things, trump tweeted, the wall will be called tomorrow, and were building tomorrow today, which is what i call mexico. So today, will pay for tomorrow when we build it starting yesterday, which is what i call myself. [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ] finally, trump tweeted, were building mexico, and the wall is going to pay for it. And that makes no sense. [ applause ] that doesnt make any sense at all. You guys see this . On saturday, kenny g. Gave a a surprise performance on a a delta flight. Or as united put it, touche. [ laughter ] steve heyyo jimmy this is [ light laughter ] this is pretty big. There were Power Outages in new york city and San Francisco on friday that caused massive delays on the subway. People in San Francisco passed the time by talking, while new yorkers waited a full five minutes before eating each other. [ laughter and applause ] i cant take it stop it, man some more sports news here. Charles barkley was talking about players going through shooting slumps this weekend, and he told a very interesting story. Check this out. So, we played i played in college with this guy who had who smoked pot all the time. Okay, wow. True story. I wonder where this story is going. And the coach says, we need to do an intervention. Yeah, we need to so we got together. We said, man, you got to quit smoking pot. The guy could never make a a shot. So we went back to the coach and coach, he need his pot. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] jimmy everyone was like, be honest. That guy was you, right . [ laughter ] we was like, well, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got me. E [ laughter ] but still. You saw where im going with this. [ applause ] finally, i saw that a a twocenturyold nude statue of George Washington is coming to the u. S. For the first time. Thats right. Were finally going to find out what the Washington Monument looks like. There we go. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, thank you guys very much. That was some really good clapping. I dont know, quest, if you heard the audience was so good at clapping there. You were playing that song. They werent just going like [ slow clapping ] [ light laughter ] if you heard, our audience was going [ faster clapping ] [ light laughter ] questlove soul clap. Jimmy thats, like, advanced. Thats fantastic no audience does that [ cheers and applause ] you guys got rhythm. Our audience has rhythm. [ applause ] that was so awesome. [ cheers and applause ] that was so good. Try it one more time. [ cheers ] jimmy thats awesome. Thats the best. Questlove its called so thats what it is. Questlove yes. Jimmy soul clap mondays here on the tonight show. [ light laughter ] it is soul clap monday. Were so happy to be back. We have a big show for you guys tonight. This guy has had a legendary 20year career with the los angeles lakers. He has a new animated short called dear basketball. Its beautiful. It just had its premiere of the tribeca Film Festival. Kobe bryant is here tonight. Steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy kobe kobe bryant hes amazing. Kobe kobe bryant is going to do something later in the show that involves poetry. [ light laughter ] and i dont want to spoil it. Thats all ill tell you. [ laughter ] but you youre going to want to stick around for this. I want you all to experience this. This is going to be something fun. Plus, shes such a talented and funny actress. I just in everything shes in, i go, man, she just stole that scene. Shes so funny, we have to get her on the show. Shes from the new amazon series. Theres a show on amazon called, i love dick. And [ laughter ] [ cheers ] steve whats the name of it . No. No, hey. Steve whats the name of the show . I didnt hear you. Jimmy no, no. [ laughter ] i just said the name of the show. Steve i didnt hear you. I was busy. [ laughter ] whats it called . The show. Jimmy i love dick. [ cheers ] steve but the show jimmy but kathryn hahn is stopping by tonight, you guys [ cheers and applause ] shes great. Plus, hes one of the founding members of the legendary hiphop group, outkast. We have new music from big boi steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hes the best. Guys, i dont know about you, but i love podcasts. Do you listen to podcasts . Steve yeah. [ cheers ] Jimmy Higgins . Steve jimmy i love them. When youre at the gym or whatever you do, youre on the train, or the bus or whatever. What am i listening to . Im listening to stown, i listen to. [ scattered applause ] steve yeah. Jimmy isnt that good . If you like serial steve yeah. Jimmy i think its the same makers of steve its good. Jimmy yeah, not cereal like cereal. Steve right. Jimmy but serial. [ light laughter ] stowns great. M jimmy is it . Right . Have you listened to that one . Its fantastic. Steve yeah. Jimmy oh, these are all great podcasts. Well, anyway, i was looking through itunes, and i noticed that theres a lot of obscure podcasts that i never even heard of before. So, i thought we could check a a few of them out right now. Its time for tonight show podcasts. Here we go. [ cheers and applause ] tonight show podcasts yeah [ applause ] jimmy now, this is steve you better plug that in. Jimmy yeah, here you go. Steve there you go. Yeah, there you go. [ laughter ] jimmy this one. Steve blue. Jimmy its almost too loud. I got to lower it a little bit. Steve its blue teeth. Yeah, its blue teeth. [ claps ] jimmy siri, lower it. Siri, lower it. Steve yeah. [ light laughter ] jimmy alexa, lower the volume. Alexa. Steve youre soul clapping. Jimmy our first its the soul [ light laughter ] i taught her i had to teach her to soul clap. Its the only way i can lower uh, raise the volume. Our first podcast is called, one word answers with donald trump. Steve oh. [ light laughter ] jimmy this is a podcast where donald trump is interviewed, but he can only give oneword answers. Lets give a listen to it. Whats the next thing on your agenda . Wall. [ laughter ] what would you compare it to . China. [ laughter ] how would you describe your hand how would you describe me . Loser. [ laughter ] jimmy i mean i cant get a [ applause ] i dont know how he has time for all that, being the president. Steve yeah. Jimmy our next podcast is called, the grande sanders show. Steve ooh. Jimmy and every episode, Bernie Sanders recites lyrics to a popular Ariana Grande song. Steve oh. [ light laughter ] jimmy that sounds interesting. I would totally check that out. Lets listen to it for a a second. Something bout you makes me feel like a dangerous woman. [ laughter ] something bout, something bout, something bout you makes me want to do things that i shouldnt. Im a dangerous woman jimmy all right. Very good, all right. [ applause ] something bout, something bout. This next podcast is called knock knock jokes with Vladimir Putin. Steve oh. Jimmy now, this its pretty selfexplanatory. Steve yeah. Jimmy but its a podcast where Vladimir Putin tells knock knock jokes to try to make himself seem friendlier. Steve oh. Jimmy lets see if it works. Knock knock. Who is there . H. H. Who . God bless you. [ laughter ] knock knock. Whos there . Yeah. Yeah who . No, i use gmail. [ laughter ] knock knock. Who is there . Dewey. Dewey who . Dewey want to rig an election . [ laughter ] jimmy no, come on. Hey, thats not i am serious. [ applause ] steve thats not very friendly. Jimmy the last one wasnt really yeah. Steve yeah. Jimmy the next pod cast is called, aziz ansaris board games and actors podcast. Its hosted by our pal aziz ansari who lists off the names of either a popular board game or a wellknown actor or actress. Lets listen to this. Yahtzee George Clooney monopoly [ light laughter ] laura linney parcheesi, kevin spacey, sorry , william h. Macy, pictionary, pesci, scattergories, sigourney, whoopi, benigni, cards against humanity paul rudd [ laughter ] jimmy paul rudd . [ applause ] steve paul rudd . Jimmy i like paul rudd. Steve yeah. Jimth jimmy this next one is called, the beavis and butthead and seth rogen podcast. I like all three of those dudes. Steve yeah. Jimmy lets see what this ones all about. Ha ha ha ha. Hee hee. Uh huh huh huh. Uh huh huh huh. [ laughter ] ha ha ha ha. Uh huh huh huh. Huh huh huh huh huh huh. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy thats good. 33 minutes long. Steve yeah. 33 minutes long . Jimmy thats 33 minutes. This last podcast is an episode of the shaq podcast. Steve ooh. Jimmy which is hosted by shaquille oneal, and its fantastic. In this episode, he interviews kim kardashian. Steve oh, my gosh. Jimmy lets take a listen. This is shaq podcast. This is shaq cast. Welcome back. Im shaq. Im here with kim kardashian. Hiee starbucks just released a a unicorn frappuccino. Kim, what do you think of unicorns . What . Unicorns, whats your opinion of them . Why are you asking me that . Dont dodge the question. Where do you stand on unicorns . I dont know. Theyre fine, i guess. Theyre not fine. Theyre great. Unicorns are great. No yes, they are. Symbol of purity. Unicorns are magical unicorns arent real. Yes, they are unicorns are magical no theyre magical no theyre magical no Orlando Magic no unicorns are magical no pop quiz. Unicorns or horses, which one is better . Horses. Wrong. Its unicorns. Unicorns wins. Im shaq. [ light laughter ] jimmy there you go. Thats it. We love that guy. [ applause ] that is all for tonight show podcasts. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more of the tonight show. Come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] its a very simple procedure, mr. Diaz. Were just going to make one small incision here, then were gonna go in and remove your 67 corvette. My vette . Its just a gall bladder you dont have. Aflac paying you cash, so you might have to sell that sweet little muscle machine just to cover your rent. More funny juice. But my papa gave me. That. Car. What do you wish you had . Health can change, but the life you love doesnt have to. Keep your lifestyle healthy with aflac is thno, its, uh, breyers gelato indulgences. You really wouldnt like it. Breyers gelato indulgences. Its way beyond ice cream. Take on the mainstream. Introducing nissans new midnight edition. Creating a cleaner environment by using cleaner Energy Sources like solar, wind and natural gas. Weve reduced Carbon Emissions by nearly 25 , which is the equivalent of taking close to two million cars off the road. Cleaner air and cleaner water. Its good for all of us. Dominion. Depend on us for more than energy. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy ladies and gentlemen, here to perform a slam poem about the 1990s sitcom family matters, kobe bryant. [ cheers and applause ] transformation. Urkel to urquelle. Suspenders to lapels. From nerdy steve, got any [ laughter ] so puny and weak and metamorphosis from geek to fleek. From caterpillar to butterfly. The cocoon a metal chamber, rearranger of dna. From naughty to hottie. Different person, same body. Using science and playing god, he became an adonis. A charming disarmer with style and confidence. With the pull of a lever like the wave of a wand he enters a a nerd, but now he emerges stefan. [ applause ] ha he laughs in the face of god. It is a sin, though, to change who you are . To win the heart of Laura Winslow . [ light laughter ] whom he wooed as hco me, shake me, break me but baby dont forsake me. But this transmogrification this stefanification of steve, is but a reprieve fore the boss sauce wears off. Steve. Stefan. Steve, stefan. [ light laughter ] who am i . What have i done . As one man retracts and fades to black, the other appears in a place he was at. Face in a mask, he doesnt react. Just looks in a mirror, a a stranger staring back and asks did i do that . [ cheers and applause ] depression is a tangle of multiple symptoms. Thats why theres trintellix, a Prescription Medication for depression. Trintellix may help you take a step forward in improving your depression. Tell your healthcare professional right away if your depression worsens, or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior or thoughts of suicide. Antidepressants can increase these in children, teens and young adults. Do not take with maois. 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Thats why theres nationwide. They help protect and grow your many sides. Nationwide is on your side. We are not here to observe, to sit idly by, or watch from the stands. We are here. For one reason. To leave. A mark. Lexus high performance. With 5. 0liter v8s and sport directshift transmissions. Experience a shift in the natural order. Experience amazing. Ito become dangerous. D for an everyday item new tide pods child guard pack. Helps keep your laundry pacs safe and your child safer. Align, press and unzip. Taste the many sides of brookside. Smooth dark chocolate outside. Exotic fruit flavor inside. Brookside. For all your sides. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. We are joined right now by one of the greatest players in the history of the nba. Hes a fivetime champion, an 18time allstar who scored a a record 60 points in his final game, last season. It is that is so kobe. That is such a kobe thing to do. Hes the creator, executive producer, and narrator of a new animated film called dear basketball which is its just fantastic. It had its premiere at the tribeca Film Festival this past weekend. Please welcome the one and only kobe bryant, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] oh, man. Jimmy thank you for coming back to see us. And thank you, thank you, thank you for doing that slam poem. That was i dont know who is sitting here right now, man. [ cheers and applause ] i dont know if im kobe or kobay. Kobe, kobay. Jimmy could be kobe or kobay. Exactly. You have three little girls now. Yeah, three little girls. Jimmy 14 14, 10 and 4 months. Jimmy four months . Yes. Jimmy oh, my gosh. Were both in the team no sleep right now. Jimmy yeah, no sleep. Yeah. But all girls too, you know . But theres no no no male figures in the house besides you . Nope. Nope. Jimmy a dog, a pet, anything . Well, theres one dog but hes a dwarf lab so. He doesnt have much say so in the house. Jimmy he doesnt say no. Yeah. Jimmy do you get to control the tv or thats gone . No. I think i do until they actually come in the room and then its like, give it up. Jimmy yeah. What are you watching now like teen nick and stuff . Yeah, well, were big on di, so like one of our favorite shows, s