Weekend as one can have with a baby and a preschooler in the house. Ive entered a new phase with my daughter, jane. Were in the phase where she thinks she controls the television and i think i do. [ laughter ] so yesterday i watched the patriots beat the jaguars. [ cheers ] and then sorry. I watch tv. [ laughter ] i get it now. When the game was over, jane whos 3 years old figured it was her turn to watch television. She wanted to watch paw patrol. But it wasnt her turn. The whole day sunday is my turn. Okay . [ laughter ] there was another game on. So i decided i knew that just saying no, daddys watching the game would result in a tantrum. So my strategy was to try to trick her, to dupe her into wanting to watch the vikingseagles game with me. So i said, look, jane, this team has purple helmets and the other team has green helmets. Which one do you want to win . The purple or the green . And she took a beat and she looked at me, she looked right in my eyes, and she said, i dont know anything about this. [ laughter ] and no response. [ cheers and applause ] so i so i went in the bedroom and watched tv in there. [ laughter ] the green team won, by the way. The Philadelphia Eagles will play the [ cheers and applause ] new England Patriots in super bowl lii. Finally some good news for bostonarea football fans, who have been so starved for success. [ laughter ] fans in both cities are nuts. Especially in philadelphia. Before the game the police in philadelphia ordered that all lamp posts and street poles in the area be slathered in crisco to discourage fans from climbing them and falling to their doom. [ laughter ] these guys they hire, they call them crisco cops. Which by the way, thats a job title on my linkedin profile. Crisco cop. But the eagles have never won a super bowl. So as you can imagine, its going to take a lot more than a few crocks of crisco to keep their enthusiasm in check. Look at this. Jimmy oh [ laughter ] do they have a concussion proet kohl for fans . The game will be a rematch of sorts. The last time the eagles were in the super bowl was in 2005 and they lost that game to the patriots. And even though the patriots win a lot they were pretty fired up about this win over jacksonville. The patriots are the afc champions. Jimmy what youre seeing there is coach Bill Belichick flashing that famous belichick smile. Thats like getting video of the loch ness monster eating a bigfoot. [ laughter ] he never smiles. This is also a rare sight. In washington democrats and republicans reached a deal. Kind of a deal. To reopen the government for, well, at least three weeks. They agreed, the democrats, to fund the government through february 8th in exchange for a promise from Senate Majority leader Mitch Mcconnell that they would have a debate and a vote on daca. In other words, for nothing. [ laughter ] so Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer thought he thought he struck a deal with the president on friday, but then the president s team came in and said no, no, no, bad boy, go back to bed and eat a cheeseburger and the deal was off. Schumer said negotiating with the president was like trying to negotiate with jello, specifically the orange jello. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and according to the thank you. Thank you very much. According to the failing new york times, trump spent much of saturday in a rage watching old clips of himself on television berating president obama for his lack of leadership during the shutdown in 2013, which is ridiculous, but it did make me wonder if one of the clips he watched was this. Whos getting fired . Whos going to bear the brunt of the responsibility if indeed there is a shutdown of our government . Well, if you say who gets fired, it always has to be the top. I mean, problems start from the top and they have to get solved from the top. And the president s the leader. And hes got to get everybody in a room and hes got to lead. And he doesnt do that. He doesnt like doing that. Thats not his strength. And thats why you have this horrible situation going on in washington. Jimmy you know, that would totally come back to haunt the president. If anything ever came back to haunt the president. [ laughter ] he was completely removed from the negotiations. Its funny. He always claimed to be the best negotiator. This was his big selling point, im the dealmaker. At this point it seems pretty clear he couldnt even negotiate 20 off at bed, bath beyond with the coupon. [ applause ] but he was also reported to be upset that he had to cancel his trip to maralago this weekend. They had a party to celebrate the oneyear anniversary of his inauguration. But going to a party with the government shut down would look bad. So the white house went to Great Lengths to prove the president was working this weekend. They even released a photo of him working. There he is sitting at his desk. [ laughter ] theres clearly no one on the other end of that call. [ laughter ] thats how you pose if youre on a tour of the oval office and they let you sit behind the desk. Hes wearing a hat with a suit which the only time its appropriate to wear a hat with a suit is at the nba draft. And we all know the president dodges drafts. So that doesnt [ cheers and applause ] and this is interesting. This is how childish our white house is. This is real. This is what you would hear if youd call the white house comment line this weekend. If you for calling the white house. Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because Congressional Democrats are Holding Government funding including funding for our troops and other National Security priorities hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Due to this obstruction the government is shut down. Jimmy so if you were looking for proof that this administration has its eye on the future, theyre attacking democrats by changing the outgoing voicemail on their landline. [ laughter ] and a quick tip. If you are calling the white house, dont press 2 for spanish. Youre asking for trouble. [ laughter ] the president of course is taking credit for this deal they made. But it is not a good weekend for donald trump. Millions of protesters, mostly women, marched in tees all across the country on the oneyear anniversary of his presidency. [ cheers and applause ] huge turnout. Even melania marched. But secret service, they captured her and returned her to her shoe closet. [ laughter ] there were more than 200,000 protesters in new york, more than 300,000 in chicago, and 600,000 here in l. A. , which is [ cheers and applause ] one thing you can say, donald trump got more women to exercise than Michelle Obama ever did. [ laughter ] and with all these protesters marching in all these cities the president delivered during the marches what i believe to be perhaps his most breathtaking tweet of all time. He wrote, beautiful weather all over our great country, perfect day for all women to march. Get out there now to celebrate the historic milestones and unprecedented economic success and Wealth Creation thats taken place over the last 12 months. Lowest female unemployment in 18 years. Boy, hes really bad at reading women. [ laughter ] i mean, hes [ cheers and applause ] only donald trump could find a way to make a protest thats about him even more about him. [ laughter ] and i hope he was watching the marches because this is how americans celebrated his historic milestones and unprecedented success, with signs like this. Miss ogyny. Veto the cheeto. Does this ass make my country look small . Id call trump a c word but he lacks depth and warmth. [ laughter ] and finally, super callous fragile racist sexi nazi potus. [ cheers and applause ] clearly a moving and inspirational weekend for american women and for the poster board aisle at office max. [ laughter ] and while the president did not attend the womens march he did show up at the march for life rally on friday where he demonstrated a very clear understanding of how the female body works. Right now in a number of states the laws allow a baby to be born from his or her mothers womb in the ninth month. It is wrong. It has to change. [ laughter ] jimmy wait. That youll have to take up with god, i think. [ laughter ] and so as year one of the Trump Presidency comes to a close we take stock of what has happened and we look forward to whats in store for season 2. President trump is back and better than ever. Its an all new season of donald trump really is our president. Im like a smart person. All your favorite white house characters are back. Except this guy. And this guy. Hes gone. Nope. Uhuh. Definitely not. No. No. Im going to say maybe . But yes, the creepy racist guy, hes back. Join uncle brown nose, general babysitter, the whole gang. Donald trump really is our president. God bless the United States. Thank you very much. Only on cspan kids. Jimmy well take a break. When we come back, we have a new episode of the bachelor to dissect. And this is exciting. Were going to check in live with the Kellyanne Conway puppet at the trump oneyear anniversary party. Hello, kellyanne. Well be back. [ cheers and applause ] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by lexus. What happens now. Determines what happens to the rest of the world. Lets go experience aweinspiring performance in the 2018 lexus lc 500. This never gets old. Experience amazing. See Marvel Studios black panther in theaters feb 16th. See Marvel Studios black panther crunching dude, your crunchings scaring the fish. Dude, theyre just jealous. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch. With crunchy clusters and the taste of. Apples and strawberries. I got one i guess were having cereal for dinner. Deliciously hearthealthy kelloggs raisin bran crunch. It all comes down to this. The energizer bunny™ gets the snap hes still going [crowd cheering] nothing outlasts energizer® ultimate lithium™. Are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec®. Its starts working hard at hour one. And works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. Chicken and steak for just 10. 99 chilis made some major fajita improvements 48 more meat, 10. 99 please sing it with us its 10. 99 chilis is back baby back baby back mmhmm oh baby chilis is back baby back baby back you doing your taxes . Yeah. Why are you using turbotax . Hm . Well h r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. Turbotax doesnt do that. Oh man. H r block more zero lets you file online for free. Get your taxes won. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy all right. Were back. Welcome back. Zach galifianakis, Antonia Thomas and music from tuneyards is coming bup first earlier tonight this network, abc, treated us to a fourth installment of their possible std transmission show the bachelor. [ laughter ] i have to say ive been watching but i think i hate the show. I really think i hate it. I dont like it. [ laughter ] theres a lot of screaming tonight. Not angry screaming. Happy screaming. The women on this show scream they scream when they find out theyre going to lake tahoe. They scream when they get to lake tahoe. They scream had they get into the house in lake tahoe. They scream when they get in the hot tub. Everywhere they go. Its like a Wedding DressClearance Sale at philenes basement. Screaming all the time. The big reveal tonight was w wh bekah m. How many bekahs are there . Okay, two. Bekah m. Finally spilled the beans about her age. Ari is 36. Shes 22. I got suspicious when i saw her drinking wine out of a sippy cup. [ laughter ] but the rest of the focus tonight was on krystal, who has emerged as the villain this season. Krystal said its hard being there because shes trying not to intimidate the other women but its difficult not to do because shes flawless. And she was not kidding either. [ laughter ] and physically, yes, krystal is very beautiful. Perhaps even flawless. But her voice, this krystal might have the single most annoying voice in not just bachelor but television history. [ laughter ] hi. Hi. How are you . Hi. Can i steal some time . Sure. Congratulations. Hi. How are you . A little about me. Hi, guys. Hi. My evenings going amazing. Because i have a rose. Cheers. Hey. Hi, guys. How exciting. Hi. Krystal. Mm. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy its like a its like the song the mermaids sing that make you want to crash your ship into a pile of rocks. [ laughter ] by the way, i want to apologize to our editor kevin who had to sit through all that horribleness to put that together. I want to put a human face behind the horror. Meanwhile, in other lake tahoe sex news, Stormy Daniels, the adult film star with whom our president allegedly had a fling back in 2006 while he was married to melania, was reportedly paid 130,000 to keep quiet toward the end of his president ial campaign. Stormy daniels met donald trump at a Golf Tournament in tahoe and on saturday night she performed at a strip club in greenville, South Carolina as part of what shes calling her make america horny again tour. [ laughter ] which wasnt that the name of president clintons first tour . Didnt he [ laughter ] he could have a lawsuit. And the interview with Stormy Daniels has been released. According to a sitdown she did with in touch magazine in 2011, before the hush money was paid, she described her time with donald trump in detail. She described the night. She said he told her hes obsessed with and scared of sharks. He called her honey bunch. She said trump asked her to sign a dvd of one of her movies. She said their sex was textbook generic and in one position. He did not use a condom. And she said she could describe trumps penis if she has to. Well, im here to say she has to. [ laughter ] [ applause ] absolutely has to. I mean, not only can we raise 130,000 for that, i bet mexico would actually pay for it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i dont know if its appropriate, but i bet it looks just like donald jr. Nv in fact, he calls it donald jr. In a stormy stormy rang in the new year of donald trump with a strip show, whereas the president and his team werent able to celebrate their oneyear anniversary on saturday because of the shutdown. Now that the shutdown is over the party is on, and i am told it is lit in washington, d. C. Tonight. Lets go to Kellyanne Conway right now, who is live on the scene. [ cheers and applause ] give me another bottle of trump vodka or ill choke you by the throat jimmy whats, that kellyanne . We cant hear you. Its jimmy kimmel. Oh, hi, jimmy kimmel. Happy trumpiversary. Jimmy yes. Happy anniversary to you too. Remember this outfit . Jimmy how could anyone forget that outfit . It was incredible. I wore it to the inauguration. Jimmy yes, i remember that very, very well. The biggest crowd in history got to see me rocking gucci in the red, white, and bluecci where the [ bleep ] is the vodka . Jimmy its in your hand, kellyanne. Tell us whats going on at the party. Youre looking at it, jimmy. Were dlinking delicious trump vodka and getting [ bleep ] hole drunk. Jimmy why does donald trump sell vodka if he doesnt even drink . I dont know. Why do you tell jokes when youre not even funny . Jimmy oh, thats a very good point. Oh, what is joe camel doing there . Hes a lobbyist, jimmy. Hes an important lobbyist. Joe, give me a smoke, you hairy bitch. We are so excited to be celebrating everything weve achieved this past year. Jimmy what have you achieved this past year . Have you never heard of isis . Jimmy yes. Of course. Thanks to President Trump we dont have to pay for isiss Health Insurance anymore. Jimmy we never did pay for isiss Health Insurance. Youre welcome did i mention this outfits gucci . Jimmy yes, you did mention its gucci, yes. Made in america. Jimmy no, i dont think gucci is made in America Jimmy all right. Fine, kellyanne. Its our anniversary. So suck it, you snowflake. Mini weiner . Ooh, id love to. Jimmy Kellyanne Conway, everybody. Wow. [ applause ] i hope she calls an uber. Tonight on the show we have music from tuneyards, Antonia Thomas is here. Well be right back with Zach Galifianakis. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by chex mix, the ultimate crowd pleaser. Have switched to unlimited on americas most awarded network. Verizon . Uh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Vince. It was just ranked highest in Network Quality performance nationwide by j. D. Power. Its totally verizon. Vince we can see the sign. The vs sticking out. Still could be anything. Anyway, the most awarded network is. Verizon wwait, hold it vince. You didnt know what it was. You did . Okay. vo unlimited is only as good as the network its on. So switch to the best unlimited on the most awarded network. Now buy select smartphones like the google pixel 2 and get one free. 60 of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. Powerful skincare,s now lightasair a breakthrough moisturizer whipped for instant absorption feel a lightasair finish in a flash new olay whips ageless i. Prilosec otc 7 years ago,my doctor recommended. 5 years ago, last week. Just 1 pill each morning, 24 hours and zero heartburn. Its been the number 1 doctor recommended brand for 10. Straight years, and its still recommended today. Use as directed. Its not just something we say when you arrive. The warmth of an irish welcome stays with you long after you leave. So come on over. Well give you the inside track. And let you into some Little Secrets that will take you back through history, bring our landscapes to life, and make your evenings last longer. Welcome to ireland. Why do people put why does your tummy go grumbil