The children of the corn that youre posing with. [ laughter ] and what was the interview process like . And how many times have you seen the Dave Matthews band live . [ laughter ] put that photo back up. Look at how short mike pence is. Was he always that short . I think maybe he shrank from all the bending down to kiss the president s ass over the last year. [ laughter and applause ] in case you were worried the white house isnt white enough, dont worry, it is. The New York Times had a bombshell story tonight. They reported that the president ordered White House Counsel Don Mcgahn to fire Robert Mueller who is running the russia investigation. But then the president backed off, mcgahn said, if you make me do that, im going to quit. Which would have been a disaster, and still might be now that this the information has been released. You cant just fire every guy who investigates you. Hes running the white house by the exact same rules of the apprentice. He doesnt understand. Hes like, nobody had a problem when i fired meatloaf. [ laughter and applause ] according to this report, trump said mueller has a conflict of interest because years ago, there was a dispute over fees and mueller cancelled his membership at the Trump National golf club in virginia. Of course its about golf. Its always all about golf. Everything is golfrelated. The last time trump fired someone from the fbi, it was jim comey. And that led to Robert Mueller getting hired. If he fires Robert Mueller, maybe theyll put special investigator Hillary Clinton on the case, who knows. I will say this, Richard Nixon right now, must be rolling around in his grave, going, how does he do it [ laughter ] there was good news for team trumppence today. Oprah has announced she will not run for president in 2020. She did an interview and said, running for president is not for her. If shes not going to run for president , cant she at least give us each a car or something . [ cheers and applause ] think about it, oprah. Celebrities like oprah dont want to be president. They have lots of money, people like them. You become president , you have to worry about war, terrorists, sit through boring meetings, half the country automatically hates you. The only reason donald trump did it is because hes dumb. Cheer this is an alarming fact, out of all the many countries in the world, india has the most selfierelated deaths. These are deaths caused by people taking pictures of themselves and the reason for that is people like this gentleman. [ train honking ]. Jimmy oh is right. Miraculously, that man survived and is in stable condition. And somehow were able to track him down and hes agreed hes joining us live now against all odds from his hospital bed in hydrabad, india. How are you . Hello, mr. Jimmy kimmel. Jimmy hi. I want to know how youre doing. Im okay, im alive, thats the most important thing. Jimmy to be honest, you dont look okay, your arms and legs appear to be missing. They are not missing, they are right over there. Jimmy all right, well, you seem to be taking this very well. Its not too bad. I lost weight. Jimmy you lost weight. Well, god bless you for looking on the bright side of this situation. Not many people can do that. Im glad youre okay. Sorry you cant take selfies anymore. I guess thats the worst part of it. I can still take selfies, i just need to use this stick. Cheese jimmy oh, my goodness. This guys got the worst luck. Were going to take a break. [ cheers and applause ] when we come back, my cousin sal meets Cirque Du Soleil and in this week in unnecessary censorship too. So stick around. Well be right back. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] bibs on people lobsterfest is back at red lobster. With the most lobster dishes of the year. New dueling lobster tails has two tails thatll fight to be your favorite. One topped with creamy shrimp and scallops, the other. Steamed with lemon and herbs. And no, youre not dreaming, classics like lobster lovers dream are back too, along with decadent new lobster truffle mac cheese. But enough talking about lobster lets get to eating because lobsterfest wont last. So dive in today at red lobster when you filter out the bad. Youre left with. The good. In life. And in water. Choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita. Choose the filtered life. Hes hyperventilating after opening his verizon bill. Hey, whos that . Thats. That switched to sprint and saved 50 . Plus i got a new Samsung Phone for 50 off. vo get the best price for unlimited. Sprint. Works for me for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. From far away. But they harryonly see his wrinkles. If only harry used some. Bounce, to dry. He would be a less wrinkly, winning guy. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea heres pepto bismol ah. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Viola davis, lil rel howery and music from lanco is on the way. Before we go, i want to wish my pal guillermo a happy birthday. Thank you, jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the reason i want to mention it, you did some celebrating today here at work, right . Yes, jimmy. We had four shots of tequila. Jimmy came to my office this afternoon with a bottle of tequila and glasses and said, lets do some shots. How are you feeling right now . I feel great. Jimmy whats your plan for your birthday this weekend . Go have dinner and spend time with the family. Jimmy i dont really care what the answer is, i just like watching you talk when youre loaded. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats how you know when guillermos drunk, when he talks, he does this, like hes holding on to an imaginary walker or should go. Heading to imaginary ponies. Well, happy birthday to you, my friend. Thank you. [ applause ] jimmy from time to time, we like to send my cousin sal out in front of the theater to create tumult. This time we paired sal with a contortionist named alexei golobora i dont know what the last name is. Its there on the screen. Part of the Cirque Du Soleil show. You know what a contortionist is, right, guillermo . Yeah. Jimmy okay. This is what happens when my cousin sal and a very flexible man turn hollywood boulevard into a little circus. Look out, look out can you watch this bag for one second, please, i just have to go to the bathroom. Theres not a bomb in there, is it . No, i just have to go to the bathroom. Im free. Thank you. Thank you so much for what happened . You had a body in there. You were supposed to watch. You had a body in there. You were supposed to watch. Youre not supposed to have a body in there. I was. And now hes gone. Which way did he go . Can you help me . Help me. Can you help me out . Can you stop taking pictures and just help me . Just grab my arm and pull it. Ouch, youre making it worse. Thank you. All right. You guys want a balloon animal . Want Something Special . Come on, lets show them Something Special. All right, who wants him . Okay, ill take him. Dont forget to water him three times a day. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thanks to sal and alexei. One more thing, thursday night, time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. Its this week in unnecessary censorship. [ cheers and applause ] when i was a little girl, i dreamed of [ bleep ] an olympic figure skater. Republicans as you know, being the party with the run of the table in washington, theyre going to get [ bleep ]. You will get fingered. The white house lawyer told us President Trump is, quote, very eager to be [ bleep ] by mueller. Youve decided to [ bleep ] your [ bleep ] as a freshman in college. Researchers in china say they have successfully [ bleep ] two monkeys. Melania trumps former roommate. They used to [ bleep ] together before she met donald trump. If we could all just stand up, a big round of applause. I shouldnt have to say that to anyone, that when a woman goes to work, they dont want to [ bleep ] their boss. What is a good way to [ bleep ] more white people . Good luck. A jar of [ bleep ]. I think you can do it. Oh, my goodness. We have a good show for you tonight. Lil rel howery is here, and well be right back with viola davis [ cheers and applause ] company, advance cut, cut, cut sorry, cut. Sorry, cut. Sorry. Had a thought. What if, instead of saying advance, i say refund advance . Its going to be. Its going to be amazing. Watch. Okay. Sorry, guys, sorry. One more time. Refuuuuund, advance you cocould get an interest free refund advance of up to 3000 the day you file at block. H r block. Get your taxes won. At at t, buy one iphone 8 and get one on us. Thats one for you, and one for. Your bbf your backup singer. Your frenemy your boo your roomie so one phone for you and one phone for someone in your squad. Buy an iphone 8 and get a second iphone 8 on us. The price is 4. 99 come on in for a subway footlong black forest ham meatball marinara spicy italian get five footlongs for just 4. 99 each right now at subway. Starburst . Juicedratic equation. Super topsecret mathematical formula they keep stored inside a safe. Inside a vault. Inside a volcano. Ohh. Juicedratics. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Ohh. Juicedratics. When you filter out the bad. Youre left with. The good. In life. And in water. Choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita. Choose the filtered life. Its not just something we say when you arrive. The warmth of an irish welcome stays with you long after you leave. So come on over. Well give you the inside track. And let you into some Little Secrets that will take you back through history, bring our landscapes to life, and make your evenings last longer. Welcome to ireland. Wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena [ cheers and applause ] it tonight from next week on the show next week we have new shows with chadwick boseman, Kerry Washington, jamie dornan, lupita nyongo, dave salmoni has wild animals to show us, danai gurira, Billy Eichner with music from zz ward featuring fitz, elise trouw, russell dickerson, and rick springfield. And this is bigly. On tuesday night, the president will deliver his first state of the Union Address and our guest will be two women who know a thing or two about having sex with the president , Kerry Washington who i mentioned before, and Stormy Daniels herself will be here. Its gonna be fun and educational, im going to get deported, i have no doubt that ill be kicked out of this country. I wonder where ill go. We go together. Well go to mexico. Jimmy okay. Our first guest tonight is one of the most talented and highly decorated actors anywhere. She has two tonys, an emmy and an oscar in the trunk of her car. Her show is called how to get away with murder. Watch it thursday nights on abc. Please welcome viola davis [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you look fantastic. Thank you. Jimmy you look like a superhero right now. I do . Which one do i look like . Jimmy you are a superhero in a way. You gave a speech at that womens march, a great speech [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and its viral and everybodys watching it now. Are people bringing it up to you a lot . People are bringing it up to me a lot. It was one of those things where i didnt know how it was landing, because i wasnt hearing anything when i said the first part of the speech. And i was trying not to put my fist up in the air. Because i was like, the fro and the fist. Every time the hand went up, i was like eeeeee jimmy you make the best speeches. You really do. I feel like sometimes maybe theyre giving you the awards just to hear you give a speech. Thats how good you are. You know what, i wish that they would raise my quote. Jimmy who would . You know, the quote meaning, how much money you get. Jimmy you want more money . I would like that. Jimmy how much did you get paid to give that speech at the womens march . Nothing. Its an outrage, right . You dont want to start that, jimmy. You dont want to get me in trouble. Jimmy oprah bowed out, and knowing that you really know how to give a speech and get people going, have you ever thought about running a president viola in 2020 . Have you ever even secretly . [ cheers and applause ] deep inside have you ever no, i like vodka too much. I got some questionable things on my record. Jimmy our president has his own line of vodka. I think you would be okay. Yeah, you know, but i like saying [ bleep ]. And all that. Id probably cuss out congress. Completely thug approach. Jimmy hows your daughter . Shes here, i heard. My daughter is here. She brought her backpack with her little, you know, little black girl magic insignia on it and then she brought another bag. I said, genesis, why are you bringing these bags . She said, im going here for the food. Im going to put all this food in the bag and take it home. I think shes getting tips from my mom who takes aluminum foil with her whenever she goes anywhere. Jimmy she does. The first governors ball, after the oscars, she wanted to take the flower arrangement in the middle of the table. She said, i cant leave here without taking this flower arrangement. I said, mom, thats gonna be embarrassing. She said, viola, we could put it in a bag right here. Jimmy your daughter takes after her grandmother. Then she put the food in her purse. Im like, mom, i know youre from south carolina, but jimmy what is your daughter going to do with the food . Shes gonna eat it. [ laughter ] jimmy like as a snack, shell keep it for herself . She comes to all the talk shows with me. You are the standard. You are the gold standard. She goes to every talk show. And shell taste the food and go, not as good as jimmy kimmels. Jimmy finally, were winning in one category. [ laughter ] what is she into right now . How old is she . Karate. She was crosscountry, 1. 25 miles she was running. And i was in shock, because i mean, you walk with the girl after half a block, she says, mommy, carry me. But now shes doing karate, which, i love it. I could do the politically correct thing and say shes in it for the mental discipline and it tires her out, but i wanted her to learn how to kick somebodys ass. [ laughter and applause ] i mean, because people dont tell girls that. They really dont. They dont tell girls how to protect themselves. I mean, i walk around with my pepper spray in the pink thing to make it look cute. Jimmy do you really . Yeah. I was detained once at heathrow because of my pepper spray. Just detained just a little bit. Jimmy so she knows how to handle herself now, or is she just starting . Shes just starting. We practice in the kitchen. Jimmy you do, with her . Absolutely. Jimmy will you grab a knife and then lunge at her . How does that work . Shes not ready for the knife yet, jimmy. Its coming, though. Jimmy you have to be really careful. You dont want to do that with your children. Yeah, absolutely. Jimmy your husband was a Football Player, right . They called him headache ball. Jimmy headache ball . Yeah. Jimmy why . Because he said he knew how to rattle the head gear of any Football Player. He had a 52inch chest, and a 23inch neck. Jimmy wow. Thats why i fell in love. Jimmy it was the neck . You know, i hate to say it, i love it. Jimmy you like a big neck . I love a big chest. Jimmy can you get a big neck, or you just have one . You cant really increase the size of your neck, can you . I cant increase the size of my neck, but its like, he said he would eat enormous amounts of food. Jimmy well, he should come to our show. Yeah. Jimmy well take a break. When we come back, i have a number of things to discuss with you. One of them is that the first lady said that your show is her favorite show. Oh, man, i was hoping you wouldnt bring that up. Jimmy of course im going to bring it up. Viola davis is here. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] lock its tuition. From your first dream to your first dollar. From between shifts and after hours. From the struggle, to the reckoning. To the moment you sit in that auditorium and realize that your whole life is about to change. What if a university could guarantee fixed affordable tuition. From your first class, to your last. When it comes to travel, i sweat the details. Late checkout. Downalternative pillows. And of course, price. Tripadvisor helps you book a. Hotel without breaking a sweat. Because we now instantly. Search over 200 booking sites. To find you the lowest price. On the hotel you want. Dont sweat your booking. Tripadvisor. The latest reviews. The lowest prices. To everyone else, ieveryone else. But on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. Fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. Fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. Lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. Im glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. For some, lyrica delivers effective relief for moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain. And improves function. Lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. Tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or blurry vision. Common side effects dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs and feet. Dont drink alcohol while taking lyrica. Dont drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. Those whove had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. With less pain, i can do more with my family talk to your doctor today. See if lyrica can help. Ive never seen anything like that. I want to video chat with a doctor cooing grunt oh clattering toys clicking, buzzing whoa. Need a doctor after hours . See one on your phone. Thats normal for a new baby. With unitedhealthcare. Hey, doc. Unitedhealthcare. With unitedhealthcare. Hey, doc. Were proud to reveal that jim beam black has been awarded the worlds highest rated bourbon. Their words, not ours. Make history. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy were back with viola davis. Lil rel howery and lanco still to come. How to get away with murder and Melania Trumps favorite show, she said. [ laughter ] you know, i swear to you, that was the one question i said, please dont, just dont even mention it. Jimmy i know, i should have