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Belligerent in the shower. and they come up here talking crazy to me, okay? she come up there and talking to me, well you called me a [ muted ]. i said what? i said, wait a minute, [ muted ] win just asked you for some [ muted ] and i snapped on her. when we tried to get him to come out of the shower, he was refusing. then he started throwing toilet water on myself and several other staff members. i got it all through my face, all down my back. he threatened to kill everybody out there, staff and all. we put him on the wall first. what we say, put them on the wall. have him face the wall. we want him facing the wall. we don t want him turning his head and getting mouthy and this and that. this way you re going to get spit on. you want his nose to the wall. when you want to talk to him, he can talk to the wall. ....
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Okay. for me, it s being in control. my whole life, i felt like i wasn t in control. but then when i had times when i do cut myself, i m in control of the situation. there are a group of people that self-injure when they come to prison as a way to control their level of pain, that when they re in so much pain that they don t know what to do, that they are starting to feel like suicide, that self-injury cuts their level of pain down, so it s pain control. self-injury really isn t bettering yourself. and sometimes people die. but i mean, it s just it s the survival tool that you developed. some people self-injure as a manipulation. they re not getting what they want and they self-injure and then everybody s attention is focused on them and people are more willing to do what they want because they self-injure. it s like a baby crying wanting his bottle. you give the baby his bottle because he s crying or change his diaper. me, you give me something sharp to hurt myself with, a ....
To the world thinking, well, i can t do this. i m beating myself up. i can t make ends meet. i m just going to make one quick batch and be done with it, you know what i m saying? i will get on my feet and then i will quit, whatever. in reality, we all know we can t do that. i m most worried about being a convicted felon and going out there and having to rely on a temporary service making $6, $7 an hour and paying for house arrest, trying to establish my own residence. that s going to be a really tough thing, because when i leave here, i ve lost everything. eddie newlin is in prison for manufacturing methamphetamine. when i look back at where i came from, i was the lower life of society. even though i didn t think i harmed nobody or done nothing wrong, running around sticking needles in my arms, leaving labs laying in the woods, having no real care about nobody but myself. if i go out there and get on drugs, there s no way i ll make it. i know that. there s no ifs, ands or buts. b ....
So i think you re going to be heard more that way. all right. and i m proud of you for making that decision. i really am. i think you re doing the right thing. i ll be here for another little while, another 45 minutes at least if you need to holler at me again, please do so, all right? i ll be all right. i m just going up. nice to see you. all right, but if you do, you know where to find me, all right. all right. all right, man. see you later. all right. thanks. but even after marked progress, joe still has doubts as to whether or not he can function on the outside. this is all i know right now. this here is my world. this is what raised me. two years ain t far away. i m getting out in two years. if joe leaves prison from the rtu, an after-care program will be set up at an outpatient treatment center. you set and you think about it, it scares you sometimes. you don t want to fail. you want to go out there and do right. then again, you don t know if ....