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Of kafkaesque scenario. awful. and i was so angry with david until i stopped being angry. just understood that he was in the grip of something that he could not control. and once i stopped being angry with him, our lives got a lot better, actually. but that guilt, is it still with you? i mean, you describe one particular incident, i think perhaps just days before he actually went into the hospital for the final time, where he'd done something you thought was so ridiculous, so impossible to deal with, so wrong that you yelled, you lost your temper completely. yes, i became a screaming thing, an...

Because i love the church, because... but the church, in a sense, didn't love you. well, that's always true of institutions, isn't it? same of the bbc. lots of people love the bbc, doesn't love you back. you learn this, right? so you make your accommodation with it. if you think it's something worth doing, and i did, and there's much about the church that i do love and lot about the people in the church that i loved. and also my day to day experience was always of being affirmed, actually. and david and i managed to find a way in which we could conduct that to this kind of weird forensic proce...

About it, is guilt. guilt about how you and david lived together. he, as you say and describe in very painful detail, was an alcoholic. and that was very much related to the health problems that led to his death at a3. and you describe how once he died, you felt terrible, that you at times had not been understanding about his illness. yeah. i mean, anyone who's lived with an addict will know what that's like, i think. and at first, when his addiction began to shape our life very dramatically, all i could think of is, why are you doing this? why are you raising that glass to your lips? you don'...

You were rooted in as the vicar of the parish with david, your partner, living in the vicarage with you. that was such an important part of your married life. and now you're not there. you've gone somewhere different and you've left behind so much that linked you to him. yeah. i mean, ifeela bit like a floating voter, i think, after a sort of tribal loyalty to a political party. so, the landscape�*s different, literally different, the routine is different. but i think i realised quite early on with david was that i, there's a point where you think, well, i'm going to have to face forward and...

Can you, do you think, prepare for loss, for absence of your closest loved partner? no, i think, i thought you could, actually. and also as a vicar, i spent a lot of my time with people who were going through that. so i knew what it looked like. i know the technicalities, registering a death, the coroner's office, all that kind of stuff, probate. but of course, that's from the outside. and when, of course, it happens to you, it's completely different. and it is, for me, it was like a depth charge that sort of blew up and disrupted all the surface, but also stuff that was very, very deep within...