Eli Manning Jon News Today : Breaking News, Live Updates & Top Stories | Vimarsana

Yeah rah rahh rah vengeance is mine no, please please show mercy rah [screaming] [gauge beeping] [cheers and applause] thank you, my children. Weve all been through a lot. We got caught up in scauses that didnt mean squat. They turned my message away from the teachings it hid and made it about me and the things that i did which, of course, i didnt do. And even if i did use performance enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. But i didnt. So what have we learned from this great wristband theft . Maybe that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left, and causes shouldnt be worn on...

And id never heard of this, but they make the guy when theyre having movie sex they make the guy wear a thing called a [bleep] sock. Its totally true. Its a [bleep] sock, and, basically, they put a stocking on your wiener, and then they pull it through your legs, which thats appealing. Thats like how serial killers [bleep] [ breathing heavily ] snap. You got to break their neck at the end. [ laughs ] oh, come on. You got to. [ laughs ] but i had never heard of the [bleep] sock because ive never done a sex scene in a movie. Done a bunch of movies. No sex scenes. And i know my place. I know im n...

[ applause ] [ cheers ] [ ] thanks again to Billy Eichner and kristin shaw. And check out the new tour sedates for my new spring tour at jeselnik. Com. Your presale code is the word dark. Well see ya next week. Before i go, lets take a look back at the best moments from tonights show. Hey, darlene, whos the black sheep in your family . Intl my sisters kid jamal. Who has those . Who choose their flimsy relays . Which ways to anne hathaway, clearly, those people were making jokes. Lets go. Who did you rather sleep with, Julia Roberts or julia styles . Dont answer that. Ah, memories. Good night, ...

Its a vibrator. Its a vibrator. [laughter] a lot of comedians at the end of their shows will sell cds and tshirts. Im selling a jeep. I learned a very valuable lesson the other day. Dont ever put a for sale sign with your phone number on a jeep and drive around. Because i get a phone call, are you selling a white jeep . Im like, yeah. You drive like an ass[bleep]. [laughter, cheers applause] yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Weve learned a lot tonight. Mostly that youre not my fans. Oh, like two people. Ah, we are. No, you guys have been a lot of fun. We learned a lot, didnt we . What did we learn . [applause...

Well, that was our first show and we nailed it. Thanks to amy schumer and aziz ansari. See me live at the mirage and tweet me and on the blog cc. Com jeselnik. See you next week but before we go lets look back at the best moments from tonights show. Women be shopping. Women be shopping. Women be shopping. Oh, boy. Ah, memories. Good night kids. Go read a book. [cheers and applause] from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon hey, welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Our guest is Donnie Wahlberg going t...