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[cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Join us tomorrow at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. Do a jedi mind bheld these folks. Destroy captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and appl captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [crowd chanting stephen [[. [cheers and applause] stephen whoo [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Folks, please, sit down, we have to get to the show. [cheers and applause] nation, the dreaded 2 across the board sequestration cuts kicked in last friday. And i say its good. [ laughter ]...

Im always right. [laughter] you have a [laughter] who is it . Aah that is no way to tell me, doctor. [laughter] whatever happened to doctorpatient confidentiality . Hes using twitter hey, daniel, you got aids. [laughter] semicolon, frowny face. [laughter] will i find you, shove a chainsaw up your [bleep] and turn it on and kill you. Wow they are really mad at lebron. Me . Well, good luck, because a chainsaw is really hard to start. Youre gonna be in my bhole for an hour. [laughter] getting that oilgas ratio, pulling the choke out. Unless you have an electric chainsaw, and thats not gonna kill ...

[cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Join us tomorrow at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. Do a jedi mind bheld these folks. Destroy captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by med [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and appl captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [crowd chanting stephen [[. [cheers and applause] stephen whoo [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Folks, please, sit down, we have to get to the show. [cheers and applause] nation, the dreaded 2 across the board sequestration cuts kicked in last friday. And i say its g...