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stephen: anybody out there who knows me knows that i m a well known outdoorsman. ime out there. and of course, i love mother earth. just like the wise native americans with the buffalo. i believe that we should exploit every part of the planet. there s still a cu couple of animals i haven t worn a shoe yet. meerkats make great comfort insoles. but now the global warming winers at the u.n. released a report thal raise the urine levels in your pants. dire warning. the climate change could destabilize human society. a new united nations remit raised the threat of climate change to a whole new level. scientists say we re running out of time. food and water shortages. floods, droughts. floods, wildfires and cyclones. swimming together. thank you, doctor. stephen: the report claims that the problems is so bad they added a new level of risk tolt danger chart. the high color blazing red now goes to very high color purple. obviously high wasn t actually that high. so ....
to play here comes the bride twice. and my guest audra mcdonald stars on broadway as jazz great billie hold day. wonder what disney princess that s based on. a new project will give each m.i.t. undergrad student $100 worth of byte coins, no, wait, $800 worth of bitcoin, this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steve, stephen. stephen: welcome to the report, ever. good to you have with us. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) stephen: thanks, folks. you know, you know, we are coming up on election season as a newsman, my job to bring you the latest, baseless speculation on who might be running who is thinking about running and who was recently seen running. (laughter) why is he running? is it because he s running? well, on monday one dark horse candidate has officially announced he s running for president, bashar al-assad. here he is president bashar assad is announcing his candidacy in ....
if you read but one quantitive multivaried analysis of [laughter] you should (bleep) it let s just talk about net neutrality. [ laughter ] but first, those of us who while watching congress continue to be unable to even bring an increase in the minimum wage to a float still believe in government s ability to earn people s trust. this next segment, probably not for you. [laughter] a performance review we call u.s. government check yourself veesa or it becomes entirely possible that you may wreck yourself. before they begin the review let me just get out my clipboard and my (bleep) pencil. [ laughter ] [laughter] [laughter] (bleep). all right. let s begin. it s really just a prop. we ll begin with the internal revenue service. irs if you are nasty. some good news. remember when we suspected the irs of unfairly targeting conserve active groups. turns out they were targeting progressive groups as well. oops. keep up the targeting. there s one area where the irs might ....
so far, so good, if you are leaving san francisco this morning for the holiday get away, remember, south 280 is closed. from 6 to 101. this will affect the giants fans. the exit from the ballpark is going to be jammed. take 3rd to caesar chavez and get back to 280 southbound or get to 80 to 101 south. giants and twins tonight. the weekend home game with delays around the ball park. kristen and eric? morgan hill police are searching for a man who tried to problem a woman outside a target store and brandished a gun. matt, they caught the suspect on security camera? they got good footage of him and everyone knows the only target is here. now this map is wanted for armed robbery. check out this photo showing a man with a slim build and mohawk in his 20 s with a tattoo on the outer left wrist and last seen wearing a black f shirt and green shirts and black and white shoes. a woman walked through target and the man drove up in this car, a white four-door sedan with bla ....
we need to work on we hope it will become so. but right now i don t think so. we re building. it s a build. we have to anticipate, don t you think? come on. don t play with those buttons. do i really care? all right. have a new button. we want to thank everybody at the daily news. we hopefully have a long and brilliant relationship going forward. but we need to find our voice a little bit. we will. on the front of the daily news, this is lindsay lohan s half sister. and she according to in touch is paying $25,000 so she can look more like lindsay. but at a particular stage in her life. basically when she looked good. like 18 and 19. that s what she told in touch. she had rhinoplasty, fat injected to her chin, fat injected to her upper cheeks. i m 60, i need it. how were those injections? the quote she said was my goal was to look like lindsay in her good days. when she was 18 or 19 years old. i m hotter than lindsay and i have no proble ....