[ cheering and applause ] thats right. Thats right. Thank you. Greg inc. You for your underwhelming response. Happy monday everyone, lets do some jokes. Donald trumps exattorney Michael Cohen took the Stand Today And Hush Money Trial period we dont have footage because cameras arent allowed in the courtroom that we have footage of cohen leaving and having lunch. Greg the new play coproduced by Hillary Clinton as bombing on broadway. [ applause ] greg unlike her husband bill shes not very good at filling seats. Do you know what that means . I dont. According to a shocking new study many patients on life support actually recover so there should never be a rush to pull the plug. Finally some good news for joe biden. In an interview from 2018 reveals that porn actress Stormy Daniels may be lying on the stand about her sexual encounter with donald trump. Leaving her with egg on her face or something similar. [ laughter ] greg in the interview daniels insisted it wasnt a me to situation but stressed for the right money shes up for a me three, me for. Even a me five. Actor Steve Buscemi had his face attacked by a maniac in Midtown Manhattan last week. This is no laughing matter. This was him before the attack and this is him after. [ laughter ] today is stevie wonders 74th birthday. Congrats. [ applause ] greg he celebrated by thinking his family for taking him to the bahamas. Over the weekend, kingdom of the Planet Of The Apes was number 1 at the box office. In a related story, earlier today youll never guess who learned to walk upright. Monologue time, hooray. Rfk junior claims that i warm once a part of his brain. Lucky for him he recovered. Lucky for the Brain Eating Worm that he didnt pick a joe instead or he would have starved to death. This whole worm in your brain thing got me thinking that theres no shortage of parasites out there living off the brains of others. The most obvious are the Campus Occupiers who have segued into ruining College Graduation ceremonies across america. The worm in these heads of these kids sounds like a cross between karl marx and someone with even worse hair, joy reed. Which explains the united front among communists, anarchists, blm and the. Also Climate Change change hoax. So how will she get her screen time . The common denominator is clear, we want to destroy the west and what we are going to offer you instead is far worse. To them its like replacing john hamm with a ham. Heres a video of queers for palestine who has much in common with hamas as kat does with overeaters anonymous. They do have one thing in common with hamas, irrational hate. They tried to stop traffic at Walt Disney World in florida. You are causing people to actually hate you. Greg they cant think, they have a warm. Thankfully florida turned these queers for palestine into inmates for palestine in minutes. Turns out you can arrest people clock blocking the road quickly if you arrest people for blocking the road quickly. If they think thats bad imagine what would happen if they ever met hamas. Hamas love to party with the lgbt q. Community. First they will raise the roof then they throw them off it. But that is actual enforcement without contemplating root causes. Shouldnt civilization be collapsing like Gerald Nadler during a stress test. Canadian pm justin trudeau, whose country is pushing the online harms bill which criminalizes what they call hate speech. What is hate speech in canada you ask . Its any speech that might make a protected group uncomfortable. If that net got any wider it could catch Whoopi Goldbergs lunch. So is this law of retroactive, what if you tweeted problematic stuff that is still out there. What if you once shared a controversial video or you have an embarrassingly racist photo lying around and you happen to be Prime Minister of canada. The law is vague but what is scary is if you are likely to reoffend you could be locked up indefinitely going forward. All thanks to trudeau, he is rapidly becoming our hemispheres kim jong un. Apple doesnt fall far from the tree if your mom bangs castro. And what if as an american you mocked or criticized canadian, could you be extradited to canada to face charges . Lets try it out on three we are going to say, hey, justin you suck. 123, hey, justin you sock. Congrats everyone you are now safe for vacationing in mexico. Thank about it, could you go in jail to canada for sharing a video about a certain canadian shop teacher . Just for the record that whole thing wasnt me that was all cats idea. Go easy on kat she has pulled anywhere north of honduras. Heres another example of a voracious brain worm that must be on its second helping by now. And irish Eurovision Contest and crying over the israeli contestant advancing to the finals. Greg who knew hemorrhoids could talk. Now perhaps this creature was probably a nice girl long ago raised by nice parents but look at her now. Shes got more hate in her than i due for fox and friends. Now shes targeting a truly normal, healthy israeli contestant for being normal and healthy from israel but perhaps the biggest idiocy is that this moron thinks blind egner in antisemitism is punk. Its not punk when the competition judges aligned with you. You are about as edgy as a stick of butter at room temperature. Or what. So as the brain warms continue to burrow their way into the culture and the kids, they all have a common ancestor. You can call It Progressivism or cultural marxism. You have to ask how to get there. Look whos look whos acting crazy today and who hasnt. That should tell you something. There are few zanys from the right but that bubbles up from below. This hysteria on the left is topdown. It comes from professors, the media, the hard left organizations that have money. This isnt q. And on, its cnn, msnbc, Media Matters and the like. Thats why we dont have the worm, they do. We dont eat that [ bleep ] whenever you call the worms parents, better sat quietly, especially on campus or if you live in canada. In the meantime lets take a lesson from florida and convey a simple message to these students, professors and the media and yes the canadian pm, for god sakes grow up. You and your worms are destroying the institutions that made the west the most successful civilization ever and it wont stop there because eventually every parasite kills its host. But who knows, by the looks of this lot they are so inedible the worms might be looking for a better meal. Lets welcome tonights guests. We wrote an intro for him but his exwife took that to. Jamie lasalle. His shows are like jamies marriages, short and ugly. Writer and comedian joe devito. Shes thinner than jamies wallet. Fox news contributor pat to. He sees jamies kids more than jamie does. Greg jamie i suppose its good you dont have a brain worm because i get more sympathy from your family. Its so weird you said that about my whole life. When i walked into the green room my wallet in my calendar were arguing over who was out there. This disney thing makes me you know queers for palestine we all know almost four hamas. My problem is you are blocking the exit to disneyland and hoping that i will come over and listen to your calls. Disneyland is very expensive. Why dont you help me out and blocked the entrance. I feel like protests are always trying to inconvenience us. If you said you had an extra fast pass i will listen to all the [ bleep ] you have to say. Greg its a weird place to throw down and protest. Youve got families and a father that probably wants to kill himself, you have some Screaming Brats in the back. I wife, what is she thinking this is going to be a good idea going to disney world . That ladys voice ruined an erection i was going to have tomorrow. I love that you plan ahead. 3 15 may be. That will be a good time. Joe what you think the overarching theme of brain worms the first thing i would tell rfk junior is. Doesnt inspire a lot of confidence. It was in a divorce deposition. Somebody did that to him on purpose. Not good. I think what were seeing here is this protest stuff, its fashion. This is a front they are putting on. Its a costume theyre wearing. Cant help cant spell hamas without h m. I thought greta was going to hit nonbinary on the way there. It shows you how spoiled they are. They see the hunger strike, they cancelled because they got hungry. They didnt know it was going to affect lunch time. We have people who are so spoiled they demand we cater to their needs while they are also demanding catering. So we cant take them seriously but i think its a good point in that socialism, the things they support. They are against anything that works and were going to see how this plays out because the people dont have time for this nonsense. Its going to run its course because they are spoiled, they are little brats and are incapable of doing anything other than complain. Greg might have just hit the wall. Cat, of all the places get a worm, not in the brain. At least eat the food im eating so i dont gain weight like a tapeworm. What you say to that . I dont think a tapeworm would be good for me at all. I dont think so either. A warm would complain about getting a cat. [ laughter ] greg what do you make of the eurovision thing . Not much. Are you forcing are you mad they are forcing you to care. They havent, i still dont. Want to talk about canada if thats okay. I think there are few things scarier than having your Freedom Hinge upon whether or not i canadian gets offended. The way that its been covered i think is knots. The New York Times was they say this crosses the line into censorship. Critics say that or that what the dictionary said . Government punishing for speech, thats what Centre Censorship is. Their justification for it is protecting the kids. Thats what the government always says. The solution to protecting kids is not to treat everyone like a kid except in this case with the addition of a very adult punishment. No kid ever catches a charge. Greg its openended. Its weird that we always worry dont go to mexico because of the gangs. Dont go to canada, you could end up in jail. They can look at any of our feeds or passed shows and all of us are guilty. It was a great place to wrestle because of the history there but i hated going through customs and stuff. All this then goes back to everyone is like to your points they are spoiled brats but they are being fed by us or get being fed. If we treated these protesters like strickers in sports events,. The tackle happens win . Offcamera. There is no camera. There is a stricker hold on we will talk about Something Else while we deal with this and they go back to playing the game. The reason why theres not a streaker every week is because there is no clip. All of this is for clips,. Once its off the new cycle we made our point because we are getting clips. If we take away the visual, people who are on the fence, were confused or young or envious, they are not interested in that because everyone has that we talk about crack, fentanyl, camera time and attention is just a big a drug. The point is if you took away that feed i think you would see a dramatic difference. Walking out of the graduation, why do we have to see it . They walked out. Okay you ruined your own generation. We are doing that in the next segment. We are part of the problem. We are. That should be our new logo. We will find out and we will fire them. Up next to the taxpayers lose when bombs get free booze. [ cheering and applause ] greg nice they crash on city cots after drought downing vodka shots. They are now buying the homeless the next round. As f. Is getting slammed for program that gives Homeless Alcoholics free alcohol for the past four years. If youve seen their streets you would think they were chugging milk and magnesia. That brings back memories. According to the San Francisco chronicle, the managed Alcohol Program cost taxpayers 5 million per year which could have been couldve helped build five desperately needed toilets. Call it hobo happy hour every day during specific times, Homeless People line up at a former hotel where nurses pour them quote control the doses of vodka and beer. But i guess in a world where jill biden is a dr. , bartenders can be called nurses. The facility has 20 beds, the idea being the homeless can sleep it off instead of winding up on the streets, in jail or in the er. But concerned citizens arent so sure like the chair of the local Salvation Army who recently called out the program on x. , quote, its unacceptable that we allow. We should be encouraging people to get better not to stay sick. Sorry dude, not anymore. Staying sick is now an identity and how dare you infringe on a marginalized community. So san fran is giving homeless drugs, vodka shots and taxpayers are picking up the tab. Such decisions are made being made by People Unaccustomed to the laws of incentives or even the basics of reality. Alcoholics dont go for controlled doses, they are alcoholics which is defined as i cant control alcohol. Whats next . Dealing with the College Lone Debt By making others pay for it . Dealing with shoplifting by legalizing shoplifting . Dealing with overcrowded prisons by closing prisons, see the pattern here . The solution for alcohol addicts isnt open which reminds me joe, how are you holding up . They are good luck. What you make of this . I dont know why anyone would obey any laws in San Francisco now. Its bad enough they dont enforce them, you get happy hour now. To their credit the Sunday Brunch that is a bottomless mimosa. Dont know what else to say, you can think of an example of ridiculous enough. You dont help people by doing this. You dont enable, you dont have Alcoholics Anonymous meetings at oktoberfest and say we will trust them at their own discretion. It goes to show it is such a shame that a great city like that is lost be a chi dont know how low down they need to go. I would say having open bar for a homeless for Homeless Alcoholics is creative. Greg San Francisco leadership actually needs an intervention. Not just the addicts there. Is there any way to argue on behalf of this program . If you are a severe alcoholic and you stop drinking you can die but i think we should all strive for more for ourselves than being not dead. The message that it sends essentially is you cant buy your drinks and you have to leave the bar but if you keep drinking so much then they are free. If you reach this level of absolute destitution than your drinks are free. Also want to know how the controlled doses thing really works. Are there people telling wasted Homeless Alcoholics you had enough and then they go out, what happens then. I dont understand how that works. Its like one of those starbucks drink cards. Youve had 12 drinks so you get to drink for free now. You qualify as an alcoholic. What if you went in and. Tyrus its like they cant treat a problem like a problem because its too tough. They dress this up as compassionate so they dont have to actually do the hard work of treating these people. I dont know what you are crying about. Down on their luck, having a bad day, you no longer have to sit at the bus stop and look at everyone else being happy. You can go to homeless happy hour. Thats pretty cool. You can drink as much as you want and then you can sleep it off in a bed and then wake up and do it all over again. What the cool part is these are the most expensive nurses in the history of man because they spend 5 million, what kind of alcohol is this. What we have here, what are we doing . It is what it always is. They dont care about getting people better. Its another one of their Money Laundering schemes. Maybe 10,000 worth of booze will cover it. Its not like the homeless guy. Greg are you mad that this was no instituted earlier, think of all the money we could have saved if we told them we were drunks. Its unrelated but im moving to San Francisco. I know everyone is saying this is a negative thing but to support a tiny bit. I had a friend who was a harridan heroin addict. One thing that would get rid of all the symptoms is more heroin. Its the worst idea ever. I dont drink because im not really allowed to. Its a horrible idea. That i ever tell you im allergic to alcohol . I break out in handcuffs. This story infuriates me because you are medicating them also vodka is very harsh. Thats why me and some people in the community have started soda for Street People so you can make a vodka soda and we have limes for lunatics that is going to be starting. In such a terrible idea i did not think it was a real story. I did my cursory research and i found out that it might be true. It is actually true, i just slide on foxbusiness. Were almost. It is true. I wonder if theres any of them that put a little napkin over there drink. What if they send their drink back because its too weak . Up next is stormy toasted because she blabbed to a host . At oofos, we dont make footwear. We make shock absorbers. Fatigue fighters. Mobility maximizers. This is the science of active recovery. Revolutionary Oofoam Technology absorbs impact and reduces pressure. Its the foundation of every pair of oofos, and the key to recovering faster. This is not a shoe. 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The most common side effects are pain, redness, and swelling at the Injection Site, muscle pain, tiredness, headache, shivering, fever, and upset stomach. Shingles doesnt care. But shingrix protects. Ask your doctor or pharmacist about shingrix today. [ ] [ cheering and applause ] greg id say wed come pretty far when a Trump Accuser gets debunked by belmar. Our video comes from belmar who dug up an old interview with stormy from 2018 and revealed some questions regarding her credibility credibility as a witness. She is a bad witness. Why did you [ bleep ] donald trump you say its not a me to case. It is not. I wasnt assaulted. I wasnt attacked or raped or coerced or blackmailed. Theyre trying to shove me in the box in front of their own agenda. I did not want any part of that because its not the truth and im not a victim. Greg will the jury ever see this or will it remain unseen an episode of fox news Saturday Night with jimmy fallon that seems gratuitous but we will leave it in. What is your take . I dont know anything about the law. Im not a lawyer either. You told me you were, thats how you got this job. It was bad. So my understanding is that the charges are supposed to be about falsified records and Campaign Finance violations. To me it doesnt make sense but thats what its supposed to be about. So im very confused how we ever gone the position where shes being interviewed about their sex in the first place. Why is she been a witness at all really. Its between what happened with him and Michael Cohen who is not credible for many other reasons. I think this a politically charged in all these other things. Take that out a bit. Why is she talking about the sex they had a . It has nothing to do with it. Greg everything is about what actually Michael Cohen did. This is when you are lucky to have a black perspective. Arent we lucky at all times . Yes, we are. This makes perfect sense. They are painting picture of the president. He interacts with porn stars, he hires crooked lawyers. And every time someone comes on tv and says they are criminals, they are this, that is their point. That is what they are trying to convey everyone. They just want america to see this is who your president associates with. He hangs out with porn stars and crooked lawyers and makes bad Business Deals and lies about how much. It goes back to clicks. Theres no substance in any of it but thats not what they need. They need long enough for a twominute campaign commercial. Thats all they need to. Greg what you think jamie . I would have to say that if he actually did pay her hush money, it didnt work. [ laughter ] [ applause ] greg they keep talking about Jonathan Turley but you make Jonathan Turley look like an amateur. I feel like its all we talk about. I feel like its a worse investment than a lap dance. I also dont think hush is a Strong Enough word for hush money. And should should be shut the f. Up money. Dont you think they talked about the sex because it was riveting television . She said some stuff that was not very nice. She talked about his performance she said he only lasted 60 seconds which i could cut that time in half. Do you know how you get your poor name . You take the street you grew up on and then you run away from that house and go to a hoar house and a pimp gives you a name. [ laughter ] greg that is so funny and sad at the same time. Kids dont do porn. Thats my public service. Kids dont do porn, it wont end well. Look at joe devito. Its tasteful nudity. Do you think this seems like its imploding. Who wouldve known putting the crooked lawyer and the porn actress on the Witness Stand wouldve backfired. Can week stop calling her a porn star . Not even close. She was a porn participant. Greg you have to be pretty desperate to click on that. Especially multiple, multiple times. What if it was for research . Thats what i put on my timesheet. What they are trying to do is trying to have someone go up and say thanks to humiliate donald trump. It doesnt have anything to do with the legal process. This is the problem the left keeps falling for. They fall for Stormy Daniels as literally the stripper who made me think. She is saying what they want because they keep giving her money and attention. I wrote something down that i thought was really smart. This is what i said earlier and i forgot to say it. They are actually prosecuting a crime done by the witness. Its like cohen who did this not trump, he was the one who gave the advice, crated this whole thing. There actually prosecuting trump for what they witnessed it but they are doing it now and everybody says it was cohen who was guilty. Now that i say it. Coming up new york crime becomes a factor for a beloved actor. Heal acidrelated damage to the esophagus called erosive esophagitis, and relieve related heartburn. 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He wasnt even like hate you and me lets do this. You can end of someones life like that. Hes not taking a random punch. I guarantee you there was at least a thousand older white guys and white women who arent getting camera time because the target is white people. Anyone who looks welltodo or has nice clothes on, jamie you are fine. This is rampant, its a thing and the scary part is that we are going to see more of it. New york doesnt report. Crime is down but no one can walk out in the street. White people are being targeted and no one is doing anything about it. Greg people do not want to report it because they know that the guy wont be kept in jail and that person will come out and than there will be retribution. Ive heard about this and the first thing i thought is why does it have to be buscemi, why couldnt it have been you. I think america was on my side on that. I have such low selfworth, i thought the same thing. It is scary, and makes me scared to walk around especially if you bring your kids or something. You are so right that if it was not Steve Buscemi we wouldnt even know. I was also punched wednesday. They asked me for my credits and they said we are going to keep this to ourselves. No one wants to hear about that headliner from. Greg joe it feels like in new york, 11 00 pm is the new 2 00 am and some neighbourhoods. It is like you shouldnt be out at a certain time. Everyone is saying this is such a terrible example of random violence. What if it wasnt random. What if this guy was like i didnt like your work. Like it him. He doesnt look like the usual crazy guys. He looks like a little bit more together than Steve Buscemi does he looks like hes bleeding equinox. He should be easy to find. Greg cat do you think there is more to this than meets the eye . Maybe thats why we didnt hear about it until now. Either that or this guy didnt see a single movie during the entire nineties. I dont even watch movies and i know who that is. He was a firefighter. Do you think he knows now that he punched someone famous . I didnt realize i punched an actual icon in the Film Industry could be like they had some words. He said can you get moving and then the guy said im going to punch this old dude and thats what he did. I think we learned nothing from this. Up next a few students wanted to puke when seinfeld spoke at duke. Or more can be overwhelm. So, ask your doctor about botox®. Botox® prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine before they even start. Its the 1 prescribed branded chronic migraine treatment. So far, more than 5 million botox® treatments have been given to over Eight Hundred And Fifty Thousand chronic migraine patients. Effects of botox® may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms. 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They took the time to answer all of our questions. They really put us at ease. End clogged gutters for good. Call 833. Leaf. Filter, or visit leaffilter. Com today. [ ] greg his commitment Commencement Speech made students cry. Students walked out of Jerry SeinfeldsCommencement Speech. Roll it. Greg 40 people walked out or as jamie calls it, a good night. Tyrus, that was a lot of people wasnt a lot of people. Doesnt it tell you that they are really good at amplifying their cause . This is been the point The Last Seven or eight hashmak seven or eight years. They are nothing. It doesnt matter because the entire world is seeing it. Those 40 are getting all the attention as opposed to the thousand that were there. Forty people walked out. Maybe they were going on a bathroom break. Who knows. Lets not investigate. Keep the camera on him and the crowd booed him. We had some streaker tonight, they dont even call them the right thing. You keep giving them attention they will keep coming. Greg his sun is enrolled at duke, thats why he was there. Isnt that exciting . I agree with a lot of what tyrus had to say. This is only a story because the media made it a story. There was 30 or 40 people and than there was 20,000 people there. Nobody that was there even thought twice about it. What is the percentage of that . Very small. Very small indeed. Jamie. Did you listen to any of the speech at all . I did. I wish he did why did they call It Commencement if its at the end of the year. [ applause ] greg there you go. How offended would you be if they want to duke and they gave seinfeld an honorary degree. Like, yeah, i studied for years and. Wrote this joke about how you lose your sock and got the same degree. Greg any lessons to be learned from this . Maybe they were protesting him being dressed like the pied piper. They werent rushing out to pay their student loans. But i think they remind me of the people who get thrown out of a comedy show. On the way out they say the same thing. Im never coming back. Its like, yeah, we dont want you here now. So leave you jerks, get out and you ruined your own commencement. I wonder what their major was. You should find out. That takes a lot of effort. We will be right back we came to his house. Customer looks great. Thank you. Tech my pleasure. Vo we come to you for free. Schedule now for Free Mobile Service at safelite. Com. Safelite repair, safelite replace. Lets get the rest of these plants in. Organic soil from miraclegro has grown me the best garden i have ever had. Good soil, and you get good results. This soil will blow you away. Its the Martha Stewart of soil. Were here today to set the record straight about dupuytrens contracture. Surgery is not your only treatment option. People may think their contracture has to be severe to be treated, but it doesnt. Visit findahandspecialist. Com today to get started. [ applause ] greg we are out of time, to the studio audience, and greg gutfeld, Olivia America trace good evening entrees