Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240714

The ref at least ten times. But in the end, he was still the ref. No harm, no foul. Next thing you know, theyll say its a crime to attempt murder. Attempted murder is a crime. News to me. For all of us at cbs news sports boom goes the democracy. Anner its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, mulling mueller. Plus, stephen welcomes Jeff Goldblum and aisha tyler, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen whoo thanks, everybody please have a seat very nice delightful. What a lovely group of people here tonight. Welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Everyone is still talking. cheers and applause everybody out there is still talking about former special counsel Robert Muellers appearance on capitol hill, six hours of testimony. It was so long that by the end we all felt as old as Robert Mueller looked. laughter and at the hearings, mueller confirmed that the president of the United States was not as trump totally exonerated. laughter mueller also agreed that trump obstructed the investigation multiple times, russia tampered with the election in trumps favor, and that the president welcomed that help, lied about welcoming it and encouraged others to lie about it. In short, boring laughter i assume it must have been because the critics have decided, and theyre panning muellers performance. Look at these headlines New York Times the blockbuster that wasnt mueller disappoints the democrats. Ap mueller hearing makes for less than compelling tv drama. And hes only got 35 on rotten tomatoes. laughter yeah. And the tv people said, yeah. There were times in the hearing when he was sharp as a tack, but we cant avoid the fact that there were times in the hearing when he was not. Gosh, i kind of felt sorry for him. He definitely was not on his game. He seemed lost at times. He was confused at times. He seemed unsteady. Persistently seemed. Old. laughter jon wow. Unbelievable. Stephen and if weve learned one thing from watching movies Like Star Wars and lord of the rings, its that we should always ignore the dire warnings of the old guy. laughter this is a critical moment in our democracy, so of course our faithful journalists are focused on what really matters and thats ratings, baby pretty close to a dud, erica. About 13 Million Viewers tuned in. If you compare that to james comey and his explosive testimony two years ago, that had more than 20 Million Viewers. Brett kavanaugh the day that Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey ford both testified during the day last fall. 20 Million Viewers. Stephen you cant determine the value of muellers testimony by ratings if that were the case, then Avengers Endgame would be president of the United States. cheers and applause at least it would be nice. It might be nice. Id go for that. At least thanos cares about the environment. laughter hes got some plan. laughter i dont want a government that cares about ratings, because we already have that with donald trump if viewers were the only thing congress cared about, then they would have made it. Mueller. After dark. laughter ooh, bobby three sticks is back, ladies and gentlemen, and this time, hes got a few more things in his purview and i promise he will get into that laughter heres the thing. Robert kind of liked how dark it was. applause piano riff heres the thing Robert Mueller didnt come to congress to entertain us. Hes like a doctor, reminding us that the tests came back positive and our country has a terminal illness, and were like yeah, you told us about it like three months ago, doc. laughter plus, i want to point out that when you tried to say tumor, you said tubler. so weak laughter i know half of the family asked you ce ba so i would take the diagnosis seriously so we could take action while theres still time to save my life. But look at your tie, grampa, its got a gravy stain. You know what i think . I think we should have an investigation into how you even found that tubler. And for that matter, why are you using a cat scan on a human . Oh, god, ow, ow cheers and applause laughter scene. cheers and applause one thing that everyone agrees that mueller was passionate about is the fact that the russians did hack our election, and theyre going to do it again if we dont do something quick. So immediately after the hearings, Senate Republicans blocked two Election Security bills and a cybersecurity measure. What . No, what are you doing . booing . Thats like if robbers knocked your door down and ransacked your house, so your response is, ive learned my lesson. Next time no doors laughter republicans decided to block a law that would force campaigns to alert the f. B. I. And federal Election Commission about foreign offers of assistance, because they didnt want to federalize the elections. No, theyre going to stick with kremlinizing them. laughter but the president did put out this election p. S. A. On what you should do if a Foreign Government offers to help your campaign i dont think in my whole life ive ever called the f. B. I. In my whole life. You dont call the f. B. I. Oh, let me call the f. B. I. Give me a break. laughter cheers and applause stephen good to know. Its a public service. Public service announcement. Today, the president welcomed his newly confirmed defense secretary, mark esper, with a special ceremony at the pentagon, and the president gushed about espers credentials mark attended the United States military academy at west point, graduated in 1986. He was awarded the bronze star and the combat infantroopen badge. laughter stephen infantroopen . What is infantroopen . That sounds like the name of a German Police unit comprised of little babies. laughter deploy das infantroopen fur dem kinderblitz laughter applause i should stop. I dont want to give him any ideas. I dont want to give the president ideas. Trump continued. Or tried to he has worked in both houses of congress, advising larmarkers. laughter stephen hes probably just tired from being up all night gloating about muellers bad reviews, but if i were you mr. President , i wouldnt celebrate too early. Remember, no man is above the lawr. The lawr. laughter piano riff so, trumps in a good mood. But president ial lawyer Rudy Giuliani warned that the mueller saga might not be over yet. Its not quite over yet. That hand is going to come up again one or two times and were going to have to push it down, but basically the body the body was buried today. Stephen wow, he does a really, really convincing zombie impression. laughter he even came dressed as an undead corpse. laughter but, hang on a sec, can we get another look at rudy, jim . What the hell happened to his hair . Rudys a redhead now laughter still mostly head. Rudy clearly spruced up his sidefringe with a box of just for rudy because no one else really wants to look like this. laughter cheers and applause that is hes always been grey, right . applause give me another taste, jim. Just wow just red on the sides. He looks like business casual bozo. laughter as giuliani look, forget supercuts. I saved five bucks by getting my hair done at the mortician. He calls this one, the open casket. laughter we have an update on a story from earlier this week. You might remember, President Trump spoke to a group of conservative teens at the turning point u. S. A. Student summit or as the kids call it, tpuss. laughter do they call it that . They dont call it that . They should. They should call it that. Well, since then, folks have looked a little closer at the footage of trump speaking and they spotted a problem. Turns out, trump delivered his speech in front of a fake president ial seal. Lets look at this thing. The eagle has two heads instead of one, which might look familiar, because thats the russian coat of arms audience reacts and the eagles left talons, rather than 13 arrows, its holding a set of golf clubs. And in the right talons, rather than an olive branch, its holding a wad of cash. And in the place where the president shouldve been, there was an orange doofus. Now, the graphic cheers and applause jon hey stephen hey jon hey stephen nice to see ya the graphic seems to be lifted from an antitrump website, which replaces the normal latin banner that reads E Pluribus Unum with one that reads 45 es un titere, which in spanish translates to 45 is a puppet. applause then again then again cheers and applause trump cant be expected to know spanish, but its something our future president beto orourke wouldve known instantly. laughter i love that trump entered a room full of teenagers and got trolled that hard. as trump im telling you, the teens, they love me. They invited me to join the pen15 club. laughter turns out, this wasnt a practical joke by the teens, it was just pure, uncut stupid by his staff. Because a spokesman for the organizers said the fake seal was the result of a rushed online search. audience reacts because a spokesman for the uh uh sorry i kept looking for the president ial seal, but all i could find is a Supreme Court walrus. laughter this is a major blunder. As one former bush staffer put it, to let someone project something on the screen that isnt controlled by the white house is pretty stupid. Yeah, pretty stupid. But at least they didnt forget to play hail to the chief Benny Hill Yakety Sax cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Jeff goldblum is here but when we return meanwhile stick around Benny Hill Yakety Sax stop dancing around the pain that keeps you up again, and again. Advil pm silences pain, and you sleep the whole night. Advil pm i mean, if you havent thought abfrankly, youre missing out. Uh. The mobile app makes it easy to manage your policy, even way out here. Your marshmallows. 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Because sandwich. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody, right over there with the great Valerie Simpson joining us again tonight unbelievable cheers and applause again tonight were blessed to have the great Valerie Simpson here again tonight. Thanks you so much for being here. Nice to see you again, thank you. Adding magic to our evening. Good to see you. Jon, you know who else is joining us tonight is our old friend Jeff Goldblum is going to be out here in just a minute. cheers and applause jon love him, great stephen heres the thing, were in the middle of a goldblumissance right now. Theres so much Jeff Goldblum. But heres whats worrying me, im not sure were husbanding our Jeff Goldblum resources responsibly. Because, if you want Jeff Goldblum, if you want that Jeff Goldblum feeling, you have to go to the source, which is Jeff Goldblum, but its a limited resource, you know . Jon right, right. Stephen i think we should get Jeff Goldblum in a captive breeding program. Jon oh, like cloning him. Stephen however he wants to do it. He can clone or go au naturale, but we have to get more Jeff Goldblums, because i dont want to frighten you, but in the entire world were down to just one Jeff Goldblum at this point. Its too dangerous. Its just too damn get on that, now. Folks, you know i spend a lot of time over there, standing on stage, harvesting the juiciest news fruit to make you the beautiful edible arrangement that is my monologue. But sometimes, i like to take the leftover cantaloupe and honey dew rinds of news, toss them out back with some egg shells, avocado skins, coffee grounds, and grass clippings, then watch as thermophilic bacteria make the pile fester into a warm compost heap that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause you always learn something meanwhile, you always learn something with meanwhile, and the people know it. Meanwhile, bad news for netflix in the last quarter, the streaming service lost subscribers in the u. S. For the First Time Since launching its streaming service, which caused their stock to lose more than 24 billion in value in six days. audience reacts yeah. Traditionally, losing that much money takes longer, but wall street decided to binge. laughter meanwhile, the meatless meat craze is sweeping the nation, and its about to breach the final frontier folks, because plantbased meat Company Beyond meat is developing meatless bacon. audience reacts bacon that doesnt have meat . Whats next, hot dogs that do have meat . laughter cheers and applause meanwhile meanwhile, the recently bankrupt toysrus is coming back, but with a different approach. New locations will be smaller, and the presentation will be far more experiential and interactive. And in a nod to the financial demise they just returned from, the Flagship Store will feature jeffrey the giraffe lying in state. audience reacts jon oh, man oh stephen hey. Jon hey. Stephen hey. Jon oh, oh. Stephen he said he didnt want to grow up. laughter piano riff my staff and i had a debate about whether i should do that joke. Im not sure who just won. laughter cheers and applause i dont want to grow up. Stephen meanwhile, an amazon Delivery Driver was caught pooping in a customers garden. Ugh, i hate it when they dont leave the delivery at the door. laughter no one told me not to do that joke. laughter meanwhile, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader ginsburg continues cheers and applause continues to be become smaller and more concentrated. laughter in an interview this week, she took a moment to laugh in the face of one of her critics there was a senator, i think it was after my pancreatic cancer, who announced with great glee that i was going to be dead within six months. That senator, whose name i have forgotten, is now himself dead. laughter and i am very much alive. Stephen wow wow cheers and applause that was ruthless laughter now we know why she works out so much. So she can dance on your grave. laughter cheers and applause meanwhile, pabst blue ribbon is introducing a new coffeebeer hybrid that theyre calling hard coffee. laughter putting alcohol in your coffee . If h. R. Is listening, thats the first time ive ever heard of such a thing. laughter mmm. Oooh, smooth. Smooth. laughter so, why do this . According to the people over at p. B. R. , pabst blue ribbon has always been a brand that pushes boundaries and celebrates those who experiment and try new things. laughter im not so sure if this is new. People have been vomiting for centuries. laughter meanwhile, some footage went viral today from denver, colorado, where a bear tried to steal an entire dumpster from a marijuana dispensary. laughter which i believe is the most denver thing i have ever said. Take a look take a look at the bearijuana thief in action. There he is checking out the dumpster. And there he goes. Out the door laughter you know what . Maybe hes not stealing it. Hes like, guys, its tuesday night. This is supposed to be out by the curb. laughter its bulky waste. By the way, workers at the weed store see the bear so regularly, theyve nicknamed it cheeseburger. laughter though im pretty sure workers at a weed store nickname everything cheeseburger. laughter well be right back with Jeff Goldblum. The one and only cheers and applause band playing boots up as fast as 6 seconds when youre running late . At whispers its switching time or how about a battery that lasts up to 12 hours . Order up now were cooking. 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Folks, ive said it before, ill say it again, theres no one like my first guest. Youve loved him in jurassic park, independence day, and thor ragnarok. Please welcome back to the late show, mr. Jeff goldblum band playing cheers and applause band playing band playing cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen nice to see you. So nice to see you. Stephen always a pl i dont know if you heard jon and i talking before, we were just saying that if you want that Jeff Goldblum feeling, theres only really one source and thats Jeff Goldblum. Youre a limited resource. Youre so sweet. applause stephen youre a limited resource, Jeff Goldblum. Youre precious cargo. Thank you for being here. Thank you so much. I live my whole days with you. I watch you on youtube all the days. Whats wrong with your finger . Let me see what happened there . Stephen when i was on vacation, i really raked the back of this finger right here fishing on sort of the rough edge of a boat on the gunnel, you know, where youre you know what a gunnel is . I dont know what a gunnel is. Stephen gunnel is the top. You do not boat, Jeff Goldblum . No. laughter stephen anyway, i scratched it and i think it got infected so its taking a while to heal. So ive got a bandaid on my finger. Really . Oh, you can infect it. What did you do . Didnt you put on neosporin and clean it out right away . Stephen no, i was about 60 miles out to sea, fish guts and all that, very manly. Very manly. You are very manly. Stephen why do you have ricola on my desk . I just had it backstage and didnt want to upset my pocket so i put it out here. You want it . Stephen i feel like were about to play poker in prison or something. What you got over here . You got ricola, i have a bunch of advil. Advil, look at that. Stephen okay, here we go. What you got . Dealer takes two. cheers and applause how much advil do you take . Stephen not this many. laughter really . Who is hooked on lots of as aspirin every day, he kept taking what character in what movie, aspirin junkie. Stephen an aspirin junkie . Yeah, youre not going to get this. Stephen is it a comedy . No. Stephen an aspirin junkie get the hell out of there, will you . Stephen it is william s. Burroughs in naked lunch . No. No, its not. Stephen you dont know the answer. I do. laughter im trying to give you a clue, there were two characters, two nefarious characters. Stephen leopold and loeb. Nope. Black and white movie, one is played by scott wilson. Stephen that does not help in any way. laughter the original book was written by truman capote. Stephen oh, okay. In cold blood. Yes, thats right. Stephen there it is. What do i win . Ricola . laughter stephen thank you very much. Dont you like a nice ricola . I think these are delicious. I like halls, too. Stephen i like that. Im into the ricola lemon mint, sugarfree. I dont know it. Stephen the sugar free lemon mint, pop one in between the cheek and gum and get full lemon flavor without having to light up. laughter between the cheek and gum . Stephen exactly, the old chaw. Have you ever chewed tobacco . Stephen i went to college in virginia for a couple of years and legally you had to chew tobacco in class. laughter the mountain, you know who is in the audience is Rick Alverson, who directed that movie. Where is Rick Alverson and his other half emily . Where are they . Stephen here they are thanks for being here. He directed the movie stephen 100 100 cheers and applause stephen whats the mountain about . Ooh. Its about i play a guy taken from the real guy stephen oh, its based on a true story . Based, extrapolated from and sprung poetically off of, i think one may say. laughter cheers and applause stephen hold on. piano riff thats our show. Drive safely. Stephen hold on one second. I just want to know, have we recorded any of this so far . laughter all right, so what happens . So heres what happens my character, it likes, Something Like the real character, introduced lobotomy to america in the 40s and the 50s. Stephen he was the guy who was going around lobotomizing people. Was this like through the eye . That thing . Hes the one who came up with that. It used to be done with a surgeon partner and through the skull. He said forget the surgeon, im going to get these ice picks from my refrigerator, im going to invent this transorbital lobotomy, go in through the eyeball and windshield wiper around a little bit. And he got people at that point, like a lot of manly oldstyle patriarchal men, he got misbehaving housewives and he rounded up active kids and homosexuals and fixed them up with this treatment. audience reacts gruesome. Stephen we have a clip here. Can you tell us . Youre at a Bowling Alley for some reason. Bowling alley, and yes. I think im given to we dont say much in the movie, much of it is subterranean, but my my innards are disturbed and im doing things on the table and im tough and authoritarian in the hospitals, but at home i get drunk and i smoke my pipe speaking of tobacco and i pick up women and i get this kid with me, played by the excellent ty sheridan, to come along with me and take pictures so we get a chronicle of the whole darn business. And anyway, i take him and hes a virgin at this point, and hes a young kid, and laughter stephen that really sounded more like gossip than a description of the movie right now this kids a virgin laughter the whole thing is exciting. In this scene, i get him his first drink. Hes never had a drink. But i get him a drink, and i make him watch im showing off my skills at, you know stephen jim hold on one second. Jim, for the love of god, roll the clip. laughter there you go. Okay. Okay. Oh did it go down . Did i knock it down . Sometimes it goes down. Justify that. Come here. Come here. Oh. Tom collins for the young photographer there. cheers and applause look at those colors. Look at those siphoned out colors. Stephen beautiful. Listen to that kubrickesque shining kind of music. One of the things we do throughout the movie is take the nostalgia glow thats even now supposed to be revisited and found back then and we deromanticize it. Stephen wow. Wow. laughter that one that one sentence, this is what i love about you, that one sentence was an emotional roller coaster. laughter i didnt know where it was going, i didnt know what the next word would be. Neither did i. I didnt eit stephen i didnt know if i needed to give you c. P. R. I didnt know what was going to happen there. Boom stephen boom i live more in ten minutes than most people do in an entire lifetime. Stephen i know. Thats not true. Stephen no, it is, it is. Im just showing off. Stephen i imagine that you, Jeff Goldblum, really take summer, uh, just by the handle. You wouldnt let summer get away from you because we only get so many. Youre right. Stephen and life, this is where life proves that it is. laughter now youve got me talking like you. Look what you did i used to make more sense than this. The high woman came riding up to the olden door. Stephen oh uh, the wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees and the moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas and the road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purposing moore as the highwayman came riding and riding up to the olden door over the cobbles. cheers and applause over the cobbles fat black bucks in a wine barrel room, barrel house kings with feet unstable, sagged and reeled and pounded on the table, pounded on the table, with the barrel of a drum. Boomly, boomly, boomly, boom vachel lindsay. Vachel lindsay. Jon oh, yeah. You know that . Stephen we have to take a little bit of a break. laughter well be right back with more Jeff Goldblum stick around cheers and applause band playing hey, who are you . Oh, hey jeff, im a car thief. What . im here to steal your car because, well, thats my job. What . What . . What . laughing what . . What . what . [crash] what . haha, it happens. And if youve got cutrate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. So get allstate. And be better protected frolike me. Hvr. You either love it or you really love it. Keep being you. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable. That means the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured in lab tests. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. 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Jeff, what is a Jeff Goldblum summer . We were talking about that before the break. What is a favorite Jeff Goldblum summer memory . I have a lot of them. This one is jam packed, jam packed. Im doing all sorts of things. But summer, i love summer. Summer saved my life. I was in a school in which i was a fish out of water, a strange fish, and then i went to chatham music day camp. Oh, i was in love with every member of the class and i played softball, did drama for the first time, archery, i seemed to be good at everything, badminton and arts and crafts. So when i first told the teacher i dont need your guidance. Stephen wow. I was very like that. And then Carnegie Mellon university, that was between fifth and sixth grades. Then between ninth and tenth, tenth and eleventh, great summers at Carnegie Mellon university. 67, 68, thats when i fell in love with and became obsessed with acting, unbelievable. And then the first summer after i went to new york, i went to the neighborhood playhouse, and between the first and second year, i went to the delacourt theatre and did my first professional job. Two gentlemen of verona. Stephen shakespeare in the park was your first professional gig . Yes, yes stephen wow i was 18 years old. John guer adapted the book. Mcdermott did the music. Raul julia was in it. Opening night, the first night of my first professional job, i lost my virginity, speaking of which cheering i was 18. Stephen wow. It was at the delacourt theatre, it was the biggest hit the Shakespeare Festival ever had. Stephen 18, delacourt theater, lost your virginity. Yeah. Stephen there is no one like Jeff Goldblum. cheers and applause congratulations on a youth well spent. Thank you, thank you. Stephen the mountain is in theaters tomorrow. The man, Jeff Goldblum. Well be right back with aisha tyler. Jimmy johns is buying someone a house so they can deliver them a sandwich. 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And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. This is jamie. Youre going to be seeing a lot more of him now. Im not calling him dad. Oh, nno. Look, [sighs] i get it. Some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle and save with progressive, but hey, were all in this together. Right, champ . Im getting more nuggets. How about some carrots . You dont want to ruin your dinner. Youre not my dad thats fair. Overstepped. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody folks, my next guest tonight is a comedian and actor you know from criminal minds, archer, and whose line is it anyway. Please welcome aisha tyler cheers and applause band playing oh, yeah oh, hello wow thank you that was stephen that was special. I dreamt that that happened and it just happened so thank you for that. Yeah, that was amazing. Stephen nice to see you again. Im so happy to be back. Stephen welcome back. Im very happy to be here. I had a little impromptu jazz scat session with Jeff Goldblum backstage. Stephen i did, too, for about 14 minutes while i interviewed him. laughter oh, yes. That was the essence of scat. Sounds great. I have no idea whats going on. Yeah, hes amazing, hes so brilliant. Stephen youve just come back to the country i understand. Where have you been . I was in europe. So i grew up working class. My family didnt really take vacations. You know what i mean . We didnt have the money to do it. And so i had this idea one day i want to take a vacation and i saved up and took them all at one time. Stephen so this is it . Im never doing it again, how stupid. laughter stephen well, where did you go . So, i went to scotland, ireland, england, spain, portugal, france and italy. cheers and applause it was, like, two and a half months. Yeah stephen two and a half months . Two and a half months, yeah. Stephen wow, thats not a vacation. Thats fleeing the country. laughter exactly. Absconding with my personal effects. Stephen so, did you have a favorite . It was all so great. I love wine so all of europe worked really great for me. laughter and scotland is amazing. Stephen oh, scottish wine. Amazing. laughter scottish wine, you havent had wine til youve had it from the scottish grape stephen speaking of scottish wine, as long as we were on the subject, i was going to talk about this later, but i like a nice cocktail. Yeah. Stephen you like a nice cocktail. I found out youre a fan of the old fashioned. I love an old fashioned. Its a great way to enjoy whiskey. Stephen you started your own brand called courage and stone. There it is, courage and stone, thats my brand of cocktail. Stephen its a premixed old fashioned. Its not a mixer. Its ready to drink right out of the bottle. Yes, there you go. And our spirits are distilled right here in beautiful brooklyn, new york. Its a local product. I will show you guys i actually was bottling this myself this week here in new york. Stephen you literally bottled this yourself . I put all of the booze in the bottles with my own two paws. When we say handcrafted, we mean aisha made it. laughter i love it, hes making me one of my own drinks. This is very exciting, thank you. Stephen the thing about old fashioneds is this is pre mixed. Oranges essence in there, its got bitters. Oranges essence, cherry essence, some bitters, premium whiskey. The great thing is, i created this because i love a nice drink oh, thank you barkeep. I love a nice drink, but i get home on a wednesday night, you want a nice drink oh, this smells so good. Stephen thank you. And you dont want to make it. Wouldnt it be great to have a drink premade in the fridge so you can pour out, you dont have to make a big mess. One drink, not ten. laughter dont laugh at me. Stephen sure. But i like so, you premix your cocktails and have them ready when you get home. Um, thats a red flag, is what that is. No, its not laughter applause stephen thats a red flag. The reason why is because i like making an old fashioned, and one of the reasons i like it in the summertime is because it takes a long time to make it and its the only thing that slows me down. laughter i understand. Cheers, cheers. Stephen mmm, mmm. Oh, yes. Isnt that nice . Stephen oh, yes. Im a quality over quantity drinker. I want one great drink when i get home at night so i can chill on my couch and put my pinky out and feel very fancy. So this was a way to do this and do it for other people as well. Stephen you are cheers and applause cheers. You are not too sweet is what i like. Yeah. Stephen you are in the beloved archer and you were just out of comiccon. I was, yes. Stephen ive been to comic con once before. It is an amazing experience out in san diego. The big one out there. Are you used to that level of people fanning at you . I love it not because im an egotist stephen doesnt hurt. It doesnt hurt to be. laughter but i was those people. I was such a nerdy kid and i loved movies and video games and i played a lot. My mom used to take me in the Library Saturday morning and leave me there all day and i would look at weird pathology books and pictures of growths and goiters and stuff like that. Stephen you go to the anatomy section. I looked at like the moculus, whats that about . That was my favorite section when i was a kid. Stephen you say youre a nerd, you a Science Fiction fan . I loved scifi so much when i was a kid. Stephen new season of archer is in space. We are in space. Stephen would you go to space . I would absolutely go to space i fantasize about it so much. Although when youre a did you think you just zip into space like on star trek. Stephen sure. When in reality, if i left for space now i would die around mars and never get to where i was going. Could i make it to mars . I think i could make it to the moon. Stephen you seem pretty tough. Thank you. Stephen i do not have the muscle tone to survive blastoff. laughter i think i would just liquefy in the seat going up. Its like 25 gs. Its apparently very high. I just subscribed, theres a master class from a space ship guy thats not how you call them. laughter what are they called . Stephen i want to be a spaceship guy. Space man stephen exactly i believe Neil Armstrong was the first spaceship guy on the moon. laughter he talks about what its like to fly into space. Stephen sure, sure. And it sounds terrifying. Stephen a master class in astronauting . Yeah, in astronauting. Stephen what do you get in the end . A certificate of . You get nothing. You get nothing, stephen. Stephen i see these master classes you can buy online all the time. They kind of look interesting. Really good people doing it. Theyre fascinating. Stephen what do you get when you join one of those . You get the ability to lord your newfound knowledge over your friends and make them feel stupid. laughter stephen if you had to teach one of these master classes, what would it be in . Oh, i would love to i probably would do it on standup or layperson cocktail making, like building a home bar. Because i built an incredible home bar. Before i did this, i was learning how to be my own bartender so i had a beautiful home bar. Or maybe one on navigating places when youre really tall and trying not to scare babies and dogs. laughter stephen thank you very much for the cocktail. Happy summer. Courageandstone. Com for the whiskey and the Season Finale of archer airs this wednesday on fxx. cheers and applause aisha tyler, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause band playing you know when youre at ross and that cute dress gets even cuter . Yes. Or when you can say yes. To both . smiling sure. Or when you find that brand at that price . Are you kidding me . Yeah. Thats yes for less. And thats what ross always has in store. Whoa. sighs yes. Oh, yeah. It feels even better when you find it for less. Get your yes for less at the new stores in west livermore and in union city. Well well well, what have we here . A magical place. Thats lookin to get scared with bats. And ghouls. And cars in disguise. Ive cast quite a spell now. You wont believe your eyes the spell is cast. Halloween time is back with spooktacular experiences in disneyland and disney california Adventure Parks . Stephen now stick around for james corden, please. Good night cheers and applause band playing stephen Flagship Store will also feature jeffrey the giraffe lying in state. Too sad, but thank you. Jon wow. Stephen look, he did say he didnt want to grow up. laughter jon oh, no lets do it just to hear them groan. Stephen sure. Its in. laughter you i work with the heart of darkness captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show