i couldn't lived 54 years, and not understood how instantaneously things can change in how suddenly -- just in an instant, life is gone. you go from a moment of just this extraordinary beauty, to this extraordinary horror and terror, and ugliness. >> it flipped me into a different sort of consciousness about where i was in the world. suddenly i wasn't just in my apartment in some neighborhood in new york city, suddenly i was witnessing some colossal, terrifying process of being in the world. >> i guess, maybe now, i am a little more willing to talk about things and face what happened and to come to terms