said melania, "i'm already in misery." [ laughter ] i'm glad we all enjoyed that one. i liked that one, too. [ light laughter ] after this week's vice-presidential debate, both mike pence and tim kaine were criticized for repeatedly making false statements. "that's my boy," said trump and hillary at the exact same time. [ laughter ] vanity fair editor graydon carter, who has been covering donald trump for more than 30 years has released a new article calling trump "officially a joke." specifically a joke that starts "a racist, a garbage can, and a tanning bed walk into a bar. [ laughter ] "the atlantic" magazine endorsed hillary clinton this week and called donald trump appallingly sexist, erratic, secretive, and xenophobic. said trump, "i am not secretive." [ laughter ] and finally, a new poll shows hillary clinton leading donald trump among hispanic voters in florida by 24 points. oh, i'm sorry, i misread that. 24 million points. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight! [ cheers and applause ] he's one of the stars of netflix's "the ranch," and an all around great guy, ashton kutcher is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] they're here to discuss the baseball post-season and they are two of our favorite guests here on the show, kevin millar and sean casey from the mlb network. [ cheers and applause ] also, we have an incredible illustrator, he's a cartoonist of new books, "i am george washington" and "i am jane goodall" right there. and he's joining us, chris eliopoulos. he's gonna teach me how to draw. [ cheers and applause ] i'm a pretty good artist. very excited you guys. next week for the first time, "late night's" going on to the road. we're going to washington, d.c. where we'll be doing our show from the warner theater. so please tune in next week. it's our -- a show we're very excited about. we're excited about doing it. we'll see how it goes. before we get on to the rest of this show, for months now, donald trump has been making wild, baseless accusations against hillary clinton. trump is dragging down the entire republican party which at one point -- >> oh, here we go yet again. >> seth: i'm sorry. what was that? >> oh, nothing, just listening to another enlightened broadside against conservatism from the man the "new york times" described as the class clown of liberalism. >> seth: i'm very sorry everybody, this is one of our writers matt goldich. and as you can probably tell, matt is conservative. >> yes. [ light laughter ] seth, i'm an extremely jewish-looking conservative. [ laughter ] and i'm here to provide the antidote to the kind of ultra lefty propaganda you spread nightly on this college drum circle you call a show. [ laughter ] you know seth, this isn't one of your poetry readings in brooklyn with hugo chavez and gore vidal. >> seth: matt i'm pretty sure both of those people are dead. [ laughter ] >> well, they probably caught whatever hillary has. [ laughter ] >> seth: all right you know what, matt, do you have anything to say? >> of course i do, seth. >> seth: well that's great. i mean, i'm all for bringing intelligent, conservative voices on the show so people can hear both sides of the issue. >> oh, well in that case, it's a time for "the conservative perspective." ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> seth: that is an irritatingly long graphics package, matt. [ laughter ] now look, i appreciate that you're a conservative. i'm just making a reasonable and non-controversial defense of hillary clinton. >> oh, here we go again! >> seth: i'm sorry, what was that? >> oh, nothing. i was just waiting for your "reasonable" defense of hillary clinton. just like her "reasonable" vote for the illegal invasion of iraq. >> seth: okay sorry, everybody. this is another one of our writers sal gentile and as you can probably guess, sal is a progressive. >> yes, seth, i am a vaguely jewish-looking but not actually jewish progressive. [ laughter ] and i can't believe you would even consider voting for that war criminal, hillary clinton. but i guess that's not polite to say at your think-tank retreats with william f. buckley and irving kristol. >> seth: okay, i know both of those people are dead. [ laughter ] >> well, they probably caught whatever hillary had. >> seth: all right you know what sal, if you have a thoughtful argument you'd like to make go ahead and make it. >> well in that case, it's time for "the progressive perspective!" ♪ fight the power [ laughter ] ♪ fight the power fight the power fight the power ♪ ♪ fight the power fight the power fight the power ♪ ♪ we've got to fight the powers that be ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> seth: again, way too long. [ laughter ] look, i don't know what to tell you two. donald trump, it seems to me is neither a true conservative nor a progressive. it strikes me that he's an extremely dangerous candidate who could lead the u.s. -- >> i disagree! >> seth: oh, my god. [ laughter ] who said that? >> don't forget about the electrical college seth. >> seth: okay, again i'm sorry everybody, this is another one of our writers, ben warheit. and as you may have guessed, ben is an idiot. [ laughter ] >> and i'm also jewish but i haven't been to services in four years. don't tell santa! [ laughter ] >> seth: ben what are you doing here? >> i'm here to talk politics, seth. hillary wants to repeal the second commandment! [ laughter ] she wants to take away all our gum. what am i going to do? go to the mall and buy more gums? well i can't because trump's going to build a wall in mexico. and he's going to make mexico pay for it. thanks, osama! [ laughter ] >> seth: ben, what are you talking about? what you're saying doesn't make any sense. >> well, i probably caught pu-monia from hillary. [ laughter ] >> seth: it's pronounced pneumonia, ben. >> wrong! [ laughter ] seth i'm here to provide a new voice on your show. >> seth: yeah? [ laughter ] [ light laughter ] yeah, what -- >> you want to know what it was? >> seth: yes! >> all right. [ laughter ] well now it's time for "the idiot's perspective." [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> seth: wow. >> yeah. wow. that was awesome. >> i know. i mean, he really seems like an idiot. but that was a pretty sweet graphics package. >> seth: ben, why would you edit yourself into a long elaborate graphics package that shows what an idiot you are? >> ha! well, uh -- this has been "the idiot's perspective." ♪ ♪ >> seth: no, no, no! we're not watching this whole thing again! >> right. because this has been "the progressive perspective." ♪ >> seth: no, no! cut off these graphics package. >> seth, i think what you're trying to say is that this has been the conservative perspective. [ laughter ] ♪ >> seth: stop it, stop it! screw all three of you guys, you're the worst. we'll be right back with more "late night." 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[ cheers and applause ] also, he's been here all week with the 8g band. from the seminal funk and jazz band galactic, stanton moore, everybody. [ applause ] also, stanton just launched his new online drum lesson site so be sure to visit stantonmoredrumacademy.com for personalized instruction from the man himself. thank you so much for another great week, stanton. >> thanks for having me. [ applause ] >> seth: as you know, the first vice-presidential debate was held tuesday at longwood university. but what you may not know is that the second one is being held right here, right now. that's right, i invited senator tim kaine and governor mike pence to our studio, they're here and ready to go. so without further ado, "the late night vice-presidential debate." ♪ [ applause ] >> seth: welcome to the "late night" vice-presidential debate. i'm your moderator, seth meyers. at this time, we'd like to welcome the candidates to the stage. [ cheers and applause ] let's get started, gentlemen. i begin with you, governor pence. the first question in the most positive terms you can come up with, how would you describe the trump campaign at this point? >> literally spinning out of control. [ light laughter ] >> seth: senator kaine, hillary has had her struggles as well. how do you think we ended up with the two most unlikable presidential candidates in modern history? >> i guess we're stupid. [ laughter ] >> seth: governor pence, what should americans do if donald trump is elected president? >> i would hope and frankly i would pray. >> seth: good idea. [ laughter ] senator kaine, you seem like a good guy. but what would you say if a bunch of rowdy teens stole your minivan? >> go ahead, folks, enjoy yourselves. [ laughter ] >> seth: you are just too friendly. governor pence, do you really think your campaign can succeed with such a racist and misogynistic message? >> it worked in the 1960s. [ audience ohs ] >> seth: oh, yeah, it did. excellent point. senator kaine, what do you like to do for fun? >> work hard, pay taxes, and play by the rules. >> seth: and, how is that stick up your ass treating you? >> it is so painful. [ laughter ] >> seth: governor pence, where did you first meet the trump children? >> the cornfield in my backyard. [ laughter ] >> seth: senator kaine, what do you think god was thinking when he created you? >> i want to make this very plain. [ light laughter ] >> seth: governor pence -- governor pence, a very serious question -- what do you think of these? >> that's small potatoes compared to hillary clinton. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's absolutely right. senator kaine, you get a hot dog, you put a little ketchup on it, do you do anything else? >> and i relish that roll. [ laughter ] >> seth: that pun didn't cut the mustard. [ laughter ] we like dad jokes! [ applause ] governor pence, what's the longest you've ever gone without blinking? >> 7 1/2 years. [ laughter ] >> seth: governor pence, what do you think? does this look good? [ light laughter ] governor pence, you're doing a great job tonight, way better than donald trump did last week. >> wrong. [ laughter ] >> seth: i didn't realize you were here. i apologize. >> seth: senator kaine, some say that mike pence wasn't donald trump's first choice for his running mate. who do you think turned him down? >> vladimir putin, kim jong un, muammar gaddafi, and saddam hussein. [ laughter ] >> seth: governor pence, i heard you ran into some trouble with a cashier this week while you were trying to pay for some dockers with your kohl's cash. >> she said they were irredeemable. [ laughter ] >> seth: senator kaine, what's the craziest thing you learned from your intelligence briefings? >> did you know that osama bin laden was alive? [ laughter ] >> seth: one last thing. hey, governor pence, check this out. >> you whipped out that mexican thing again. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: that's what you call a long walk for a joke. [ light laughter ] well it looks like we're out of time. so on behalf of the candidates, have a good night. we'll be right back with ashton kutcher. 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"i would support legislation in pennsylvania that would ban abortion and i would suggest that we have penalties for doctors who perform them." pat toomey and donald trump: they're not for you. senate majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest tonight is a talented actor who you know from the hit television shows such as "two and a half men"," "punk'd" and "that 70's show." new episodes of his latest series "the ranch" are available to stream on netflix starting friday. let's take a look. >> all i'm saying is john elway is smart, he's handsome, he's in just excellent shape. i could do a lot worse. [ laughter ] >> dude, you are not getting with number 7, john elway, okay? you're not even getting with peyton manning. i mean, maybe eli manning. [ laughter ] >> you couldn't even get with cooper manning. >> oh, right, yeah, yeah. because if cooper manning's on tinder and he sees the rooster he's going to swipe left. [ laughter ] >> i always liked terry bradshaw. [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome to the show, our friend, ashton kutcher! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hey, buddy! >> seth: so good to have you here. >> how we doing? >> seth: we're doing good. good. >> good, good. >> seth: we were talking backstage, you got yourself a 2-year-old daughter. >> yeah. >> seth: your wife mila speaks russian. >> yes. >> seth: and your daughter speaks russian, yes? >> she's learning russian. >> seth: she's learning russian. >> she has english down. >> seth: gotcha. >> like she can speak and understand english. she can speak and understand spanish and she can understand russian but she can't really speak it yet. >> seth: but you actually -- you went the extra mile. you tried to learn a little russian for the purpose of communicating with -- >> mila's grandparents basically only speak russian. >> seth: got it. >> so i took six months of russian to understand what they were saying. because russian's a very aggressive language. >> seth: sure, yeah. [ laughter ] >> like it doesn't matter what you say it sounds like they're yelling. [ shouting in russian ] and it's like, oh that's a beautiful pencil. but you don't know. [ laughter ] everything sounds really aggressive. and i thought they really didn't like me and were really upset. so i learned it just so i can understand what everyone was saying. and it turns out, they're just like, "we love you so much!" [ laughter ] >> seth: that's great. [ shouting in russian ] >> it's aggressive. but now i got it. know i know. >> seth: that's very nice to learn. >> they love me. >> seth: you have another one coming, you said a couple months away. >> yeah. >> seth: do you know what you're having? >> yes. >> seth: so you have a daughter and what do you have in second? >> we haven't told anyone, we're having a boy. >> seth: oh, congratulations! [ cheers and applause ] that's very exciting. >> yes. >> seth: that's great news. >> yes. i was actually -- i was hoping for a girl. >> seth: okay. >> because first of all our first girl is unbelievable. but also i figured if we had a girl second she might give me one more shot to have a boy. >> seth: oh i see. >> and now i don't know. >> seth: you think she's going to cut you off at two. >> it's even money, she might cut me off. i want like 12 of them. [ laughter ] and so we haven't discussed it yet. we're not into it. so this isn't a tabloid argument at all. in the least bit. we're very excited and very happy. >> seth: that's great. and now, because i have -- mine is six months old, my boy. and my wife is -- she's finally telling me like, hey, watch your language around -- is that happening to you? >> you don't have to worry about that yet as far as i'm concerned. when she hit like a year and half and we woke up one morning and had a new dog. which by the way, don't get a new dog when you have a baby. [ laughter ] and anyway, the new dog like peed on the stairwell. and i'm like getting ready in the morning and mila's like, oh, ricky peed on the stairwell and i'm like [ bleep ] ricky. and i'm walking and my daughter's right behind me and all the sudden i just hear "[ bleep ] ricky." [ laughter ] and i'm like -- "no, no, no! papa didn't say that. papa said fox, papa said fox. ricky's like a wiley fox." [ laughter ] and then, maybe i got off and she turns around and there's like a hole in the carpet where the dog had chewed a hole in the carpet and she just points at it and she goes, "[ bleep ] ricky." [ laughter ] and so i think i've got her convinced that it's fox now. >> seth: right. >> i'm pretty sure she thinks its fox. >> seth: i still think the problem is you know, if she's in kindergarten and says to her teacher, fox you, she's still in trouble. >> i don't know, i think i can get away with a fox you. >> seth: okay, got you, you think you can get away with fox you. >> maybe. it's a very progressive school. [ laughter ] >> seth: do you remember -- when we first met when you were hosting "snl," you were somebody who always i felt like was ahead of the curve as far as tech went. and you actually went on a technology delegation to russia in 2010? >> yeah. >> seth: and this was an obama delegation. >> well it was when hillary was in the state department and she was actually making an efforts to bridge the gap with russia. actually medvedev was still in, and so there was an opportunity and opening there. so they thought that like sending folks from the private sector over and trying to like find out how we could work with russia in building private companies together is good groundwork in order to build a line of communication. >> seth: was it helpful when you were over there? >> by the way it was like me, and a bunch of ballers, like real life ballers. not like actor ballers, like actually business people that know what they're doing. >> seth: yeah. >> so it was like john donahoe, ceo of ebay, and padmasree warrior, like the cto for cisco and jack dorsey. crazy. we're in the room and we're negotiating. so you basically met with two governments at the time, you met with medvedev's government and then putin's government. so we're meeting with putin's head of communications and everybody was making offers. >> seth: when you met with the putin government, did they tell you like, "we are real one. other one is fake." [ laughter ] >> i didn't know russian then but i bet that's what they were saying. like, no, the other guys. >> seth: they are fake, they are for newspaper. [ speaking russian ] >> so we're sitting there. there's like offers on the table for like opening like ebay in russia, if they work on their hacking issues, cybersecurity is a real problem when they're hacking information from us. [ laughter ] i learned a lot. there were all kinds of business deals on the table. i'm putting a deal on then table, i was working on human trafficking. i'm like, i'll sponsor anybody in technology that wants to build something to help fight human trafficking. i'll sponsor like $100,000 for a prize. everybody's putting something on the table. they take all this in and like, great. this is great. in response, we would like to offer you all the russian military ring tones for your phones. [ laughter ] there's like millions of dollars on the table and their response is russian military ring tones. so the gap didn't get bridged. [ laughter ] we tried. >> seth: so tell -- "the ranch" this is very exciting. first of all, you're back doing a tv show again. back with your old colleague, danny masterson. >> yeah. >> seth: tell us a little bit about the show. you play a guy who's returning home. >> yeah, i play colt bennett, who's like a failed professional football player. and i end up going back home to my family ranch to help my dad build a ranch that's like struggling against these large conglomerate farms. and the show's really like -- it's like if a country song was a tv show. you know? like, your dog gets run over by a train and your wife leaves you for the neighbor and we drink beer. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and so that's basically the show. >> seth: i mean this in a really good way. [ laughter ] it feels very cozy in a really good way. >> it's actually kind of -- it's kind of a dramedy sitcom which is sort of push into the format that hasn't happened in a long time. and because it's on netflix we can use all kinds of real language how people really talk, "[ bleep ] ricky!" [ laughter ] so, we can actually like kind of dive into some real character and real story. >> seth: it is really nice and true that it seems like sometimes you guys are actually drinking in those bar scenes. >> we're [ bleep ] faced most of the show. >> seth: that's great. [ laughter ] >> the funny thing is like so, danny and i sort of started in the beginning, we're like, maybe we'll have a beer during the scene. and then we started bombing takes on purposed to get each other drunk. [ laughter ] and so half of the show we're drunk. >> seth: oh good, that's great. >> we're basically like wasted. but you were on "snl," you understand. >> seth: we drank the whole time. >> yeah, exactly. [ laughter ] >> seth: also, what a great pull sam elliott, one of the great actors of all time is your dad. >> he's just a boss. >> seth: that's fantastic. >> i mean the guy is like -- i feel like everyday is a coors lite commercial. it's amazing, like, he's got one of the greatest voices in all of show business. he makes me want to buy dodge pickup trucks. [ laughter ] and he's also like, he's like 70 years old but he's like the most intimidating 70-year-old i ever met. like i always feel like who ever plays your dad whatever it is you have to feel like they can kick your ass. and i know sam elliott can beat me down. [ light laughter ] like he would just like abuse me. >> seth: there you go. >> and then outdrink me and then abuse me some more. [ laughter ] >> seth: well it's a great show. and thank you so much for being here. it's always such a pleasure to see you. >> seth: ashton kutcher everybody. [ cheers and applause ] new episodes of "the ranch" are available this friday on netflix. we'll be right back with kevin millar and sean casey. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ "on the road again," by willie nelson ] ♪ on the road again [ rear alert sounds ] [ music stops ] ♪ just can't wait to get on the road again ♪ [ front assist sounds ] [ music stops ] [ girl laughs ] ♪ on the road again ♪ like a band of gypsies we go down the highway ♪ [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. hurry in and lease the 2017 passat s for just $199 a month. on that old pc? you know... ...i know. new pcs are lightning fast. and yet here is the world's fastest swimmer on the world's slowest computer. you know about it, now do something about it. upgrade to a new pc. ♪ is 22 pages long. did you read every word? no, only lawyers do that. so when you got rear-ended and needed a tow, your insurance company told you to look at page five on your policy. did it say "great news. you're covered!" on page five? no. it said, "blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah..." the liberty mutual app with coverage compass™ makes it easy to know what you're covered for and what you're not. liberty stands with you. liberty mutual insurance. h. heartburn. sorry ma'am. no burning here. try new alka-seltzer heartburn relief gummies. they don't taste chalky and work fast. mmmm. incredible. can i try? she doesn't have heartburn. new alka-seltzer heartburn relief gummies. enjoy the relief. i'm jamie foxx for verizon, introducing lte advanced powering america's largest and fastest 4g lte network ever. and i'm also jamie foxx for sprint. and i'm also jamie foxx for t-mobile. (both) also america's largest, fastest network ever. oh, you're just repeating everything i said? (both) oh, you're just repeating everything i said? i'm switching to verizon right now! (both) i'm switching to verizon right now! (announcer vo) there's no better time to switch to verizon. now get the next gen network and the best value with no surprise overages. switch and get 20 gigs and 4 lines for 160. all on america's best network. i've seen what can happen as the result of hate. my son matt was murdered in laramie, wyoming, in 1998. he was befriended by two men in a bar who pretended to be gay. they offered him a ride home, and when he was in their car, they robbed him and beat him. they drove matt out to the prairie and tied him to a split-rail fence, then beat him some more and left him for dead. in the aftermath of matt's death, my family saw the best of america in the love and support we were shown. so when i see the hate that donald trump has brought to his campaign for president, it terrifies me. i'd like to punch him in the face, i'll tell ya. ahh, i don't know what i said, uhh, i don't remember. he's a mexican. i could stand in the middle of fifth avenue and shoot somebody, and i wouldn't... words have an influence. violence causes pain. hate can rip us apart. i know what can happen as the result of hate, and donald trump should never be our president. priorities usa action is responsible for the content of this advertising. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody! our next guests are former major league baseball players who can currently be seen on the mlb network. one is the co-host of "intentional talk," and the other is an analyst for "mlb tonight." please welcome back to the show, two of our favorites, kevin millar and sean casey. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: gentlemen, how are you? >> this is big time stuff. you're filling it up this time. >> seth: yeah, we really -- usually when you guys are here there's some empty seats. >> like 35 people last time. >> it's like we're at fenway park. [ laughter ] >> seth: so, this is very exciting. it's the playoffs, obviously everybody is talking about that. one of the biggest stories, david ortiz's last season. >> yeah. >> seth: a teammate of both of yours over -- your career. and you were actually at his last home game at fenway park, what was it like being back for that? >> unbelievable. first of all, it's big papi. i mean this guy is bigger than life. he's the guy that can roll in like a pink lambo with half a million dollars of jewelry and like this whole -- he has a bad haircut right now. >> seth: he does, yeah. >> bad haircut, a little short on the sides and has the mullet and his eyebrows are trimmed up a little bit. but, awesome. this guy is bigger than life. i mean he hits home runs, he's big papi! you know, poom, poom, poom, hey! but it was awesome. >> seth: and you guys all went back. i mean this is really for -- as a red sox fan, it -- i was looking at this. the fact that there's three world series trophies in his tenure is incredible. what was it like seeing all the players on his teams? >> well to be honest with you. seeing my guys, that were there. some of my old players look like they ate themselves. [ laughter ] we all put on 20 to 60 pounds. whoa, my goodness gracious! no -- but it was. >> seth: it's great because papi looked so trim next to the rest you. [ laughter ] >> right, right, papi's not "big papi," he's like, "papi." [ laughter ] >> he'll be there, though. he'll be there soon when he's done. dunkin donuts, all that stuff. >> one year after. it's chips and dip and next thing you know, you're like, "what happened?" [ laughter ] look at sean. >> exactly, that's what happened! >> seth: is it true, you take some credit for the fact that he's called big papi? >> yeah, i take -- well that's because i'm not real smart, seth. everybody, if you don't know a latin guy, "papi, papi, papi!" then he got real good. >> seth: wait, do you call all latin guys "papi?" [ laughter ] >> it's either big daddy -- if i don't know your name, it's "big daddy." so when i came in here i didn't really know your name, so i was like, "big daddy good to have you back." >> seth: gotcha, okay, right, right. >> so papi was papi and then he got big. i didn't -- i didn't know he was going to hit 500 home runs. >> seth: yeah. >> he was papi, now he's big papi, all right, great. >> seth: now you have one of the great interviews and i had never seen this interview, but this is such good investigative reporting. >> it is. >> seth: because when you went deep -- this is like back when you were on the team with him? >> yeah, '08. >> seth: we wanted to show this interview, because you asked him the hard questions. >> go ahead. hard line reporting. >> seth: hard line reporting. you did the thing no one was willing to do. you asked david ortiz for his five favorite movies, let's take a look. [ laughter ] >> here we go all right, top five movies is our thing today. this is my man, big papi. he's going to give me his top five movies. go ahead, pop. >> number one has to be "scarface." >> "scarface." >> with al pacino >> all right, he's big time, "say hello to my little friend." >> hell yeah. "analyze this." >> anna likes this? >> "analyze this," yeah. [ laughter ] that's number two, and number three we have to go uh -- "anaconda." [ laughter ] >> anaconda! that's a great movie, pop. >> you know it. [ laughter ] >> what else? >> number four have to be -- jesus. >> what about "braveheart?" >> "rambo 3." [ laughter ] >> what about the new rambo? that one was terrible! >> that was bad. >> and number 5, i got to go "pink panther!" [ laughter and applause ] >> there you have it, folks. [ cheers and applause ] >> amazing! >> i should have said, the top five worst movies of all time. >> he said analyze this and you thought he said "anna likes this." [ laughter ] >> that was a problem. my mind was somewhere else and i didn't know, anna like this. >> yeah, anna likes this! no, sean, "analyze this." >> i couldn't understand. >> seth: and you just rolled with it -- >> i was like, "here we go." >> seth: you thought it was some weird art house film, but only -- [ laughter ] >> yeah, we'll go there, seth. that sounds great, "big daddy." [ laughter ] >> seth: so, this time of year, a lot of superstitions, you were in the post-season, both of you played in the post-season. did you ever do any superstitions? >> i was big on hair superstitions, facial hair -- well in 2003 it started basically we we were down two games quick to oakland in a five game series, and i'm like, "oh god, here we go." so i took the clippers out and we're all showering, and i started shaving everybody's head. well you shave one, trot nixon, our right fielder. and here comes theo epstein the president of the cubs, really rich president. [ laughter ] he was our general manager, i shaved his head and greg little's head but we get on these planes, we're all shaved heads now. we got no guard, our hair's gone, we're down 0-2 flying back to boston, we looked like sperms. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter and applause ] >> whoa, this is going to be a battle. we lose the next game and we have all off season and we're looking like that. so, we ended up coming back and we won three straight and we end up losing game 7 to aaron boone in that home run -- you remember that. >> seth: there you go, yeah, i was there. you came back. you bounced back. i know that's obviously before a celebration. you had some celebration issues one year with some champagne. >> oh yeah, oh yeah, well in uh -- in detroit in '06 we played yankees first round in the division series and we ended up upsetting them. you shouldn't celebrate this much, but we were so excited, hadn't won in detroit in years and got the celebration going and went from the clubhouse, and i go, "let's go out with the fans!" so we went out to the fans and with jason grilli and kenny rogers is doing his thing and grilli and i are down the line popping champagne just unloading on the fans. get another one going. and one dude is like, "right here, right here." i'm like, "here you go!" i pour it in his mouth. he comes back and he's like, "thanks, man!" i'm like, "dude you're like 14!" [ laughter and applause ] >> where's his dad! >> i poured champagne down his throat. >> he's in 7th grade and he's pouring champagne down his throat. "this is awesome!" >> seth: i mean you're probably on a watch-list for that. >> i was like, "where are the cops?" [ laughter ] >> seth: now, kevin, you had a wonderful career, you're a world series winner you you had some incredible post-season moments but one time you, in the boston press, you describe yourself as sharing qualities with tom brady. >> yeah. >> seth: which people took issue with on your own team. >> not looks, not looks. >> not looks, i don't have the cleft chin by him and i fake teeth and a bad body. this is before the intangibles, i said "tom and i share similar intangibles," this is before tom was really good and was throwing for 165 yards. >> seth: yeah, early and -- >> me and tom, you know, we're just sort of winning type players. that wasn't good, i got to the field and my entire locker is empty and i have tom brady's uniform in my locker, and the whole article from "boston globe," it was "kevin millar compares himself to tom brady." >> seth: and you were out on the field and you had to warm up in a tom brady jersey. [ laughter ] >> i had the uniform, and theo epstein and terry francona, who is the manager of the indians now. they took care of it, and there i was at batting practice. i was tom brady and it didn't make sense. >> seth: we talked about players coming back, obviously you guys coming back, for papi's last game. when you were with the indians, bob feller, who was one of the greatest pitchers of all time, he -- was this spring training with bob? >> spring training. one of the greatest of all time, you think about the red sox/indians in the playoffs. for me, i was a 23-year-old kid, first big league camp. a couple weeks ago, i was like, "i'm going to go out early and try to impress mike hargrove and i'll be out there early." >> seth: the manager -- >> the manager, mike hargrove and bob feller, one of the greatest pitchers of all time, in that conversations, throws with a player every day from the dugout, so -- >> how old is he now? >> he's probably like 78. >> 78? we're going to round it to 80. >> i mean full uni, spikes, you know, everything. he'd tip his cap and the place would go nuts. so, mike hargrove's like, "hey case, why don't you throw with bob feller today?" so i'm like, all right, cool, i already have two hits in the big league, so i'm like, that's good. and if i throw catch with bob feller, i'll have that under my belt. so if i never play in the big leagues again, those are all good things. >> seth: yeah. >> so i get out there and i'm throwing catch with him, and torey lovullo, who's now the bench coach for the red sox is the only other guy in the dugout. so i introduce myself to bob. and we start throwing and i'm lobbing it to him and torey lovullo's like, "hey case, quit showing up one of the greatest pitchers of all time," he was like, "throw the ball." so i'm like, "oh, all right, i'm not showing him up." so i come back nice and easy, next throw i go to throw to it him, bob feller's like this, "what he's doing? what's he doing?" boom! [ laughter ] hit's him right -- boom! he goes -- i'm like, "oh my god i killed bob feller!" [ laughter ] "bob are you okay!" emt's out of the stands. here comes the training staff, he's laying there. before i can get him up. he's like, "i'm okay, i injured my shoulder when i was golfing the other day, so i'm going to be okay." and right when i'm walking away the manager mike hargrove, goes, "case, thank god you didn't kill bob feller. because if you had, you definitely would have been released." [ laughter ] >> seth: one of the things i love most about you guys is that i feel like every time you're here we show a video of your career low-lights and i keep thinking we're going to run out -- [ laughter ] but we keep finding new stuff. and i would like to, before we show this clip, tell this is you hit what looked like a sure double. [ laughter ] a sure double, and what went wrong? >> what went wrong is i'm the original willie mays hays from "major league." so it's like, "here base, here base." i was rounding second, pat burrell who's a buddy of mine playing the left field for the phillies. i hit a double and i'm like, "i'm going in, i'm going in, he has no arm." >> seth: yeah. >> and let me tell you right now, as soon as i was halfway, it's one of those, i'm not real fast, "big daddy," as you know. and i'm like "whew, oh, god." i went to go slide head first to get the hand in and immediately stop. see when you're an overweight guy in a bad body you just stop. the obliques hit and it goes boom! as you see in this video, that mr. "big daddy" found me, seth -- [ laughter ] >> seth: i want to say, though, the very nice thing is it seemed like the shortstop in this case or second baseman had some sympathy for you, let's take a look. >> 1-0. and on the ground sharply beyond third and it's going roll to the left field line toward the corner. burrel picks it off the cut-out, he's going to have a play at second. millar is out at second base! [ laughter and applause ] he slid short of the bag and tomas perez puts the tag on him and now they're chatting. what a nice scene. [ laughter and applause ] [ laughter and applause ] >> can we pray please? >> seth: we'll be all right, "big daddy." we'll be all right, "big daddy." give it up to kevin millar and sean casey go to mlb.com. we'll be back with more with chris eliopoulos. 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(tic tacs rattling) one smart choice leads to the next. ♪ the new 2017 ford fusion is here. it's the beauty of a well-made choice. ♪ when you ache and haven't you're not you. tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. we give you a better night. you're a better you all day. tylenol®. i would support legislation in pennsylvania that would ban abortion and i would suggest we have penalties for doctors who perform them. would you put people in jail for performing abortions? at some point doctors performing abortions i think would be subject to that sort of penalty. dscc is responsible for the content of this advertising. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hey, everybody. welcome back. we're here with chris eliopoulos, he's the talented illustrator behind the best selling picture book series, "ordinary people change the world." the lastest books, "i am george washington" and "i am jane goodall" right here, and they're in stores now. and you sort of wanted these books to show kids that historical figures could be better role models than maybe the reality tv stars that they're seeing today. >> yeah, we figured historical characters and people we knew, were much better than people we're seeing today. so we actually do moralistic stories of these people, like even when they're young, so like george washington when he was a little kid, abraham lincoln when he was a kid. so they can identify with the kids a little bit better. so, they stay as kids throughout the whole entire book. >> seth: that's fantastic. >> yeah, so -- >> seth: and you're going to teach me how to draw some historical figures now, or some current event figures, let's go. >> you know what, i figured we're in the time of elections. >> seth: yeah. >> so let's start with lincoln. >> seth: okay, great, lincoln. >> okay, so we're going to start really simple for you. >> seth: okay. >> letter c, can you do a letter c? >> seth: yep. >> okay, letter c right here. you have to do sound effects too if you're going to be a cartoonist. then you're going to do a big giant u shaped. go -- [ 'u' sound ] >> seth: okay. [ 'u' sound ] [ laughter ] >> he's good. [ laughter ] okay. this is going to be the hardest one yet. [ making noises ] >> okay, now we're going to start the hat which is the best part, straight line across. >> seth: boom. >> boom, two little lines up. >> seth: bang-bang. >> everybody should be doing this at home, right, boom boom. >> seth: yep, everyone's doing it at home, great. >> now this goes off the page because we're a really cool cartoonist. >> seth: okay, great. >> now, we're going to start hair. very simple. >> seth: hair? >> look, number 3, boop. >> seth: all right, boop. >> three. >> seth: three. >> side parenthesis you did a little ear. >> seth: uh-huh. >> backwards c for his nose. >> seth: uh-huh, uh-huh. >> see, you're getting good. >> seth: that's great. >> a couple eyes. >> seth: yep. >> all right, now we're drawing as little kids. but what we're going to do is we're going to give him the beard, cause he can be a cartoonist, so that's his smile so just go -- boop, boop, boop. >> seth: uh-huh. >> you can sign your name because you're an artist. [ laughter ] >> seth: wow, there we go! >> good. >> seth: okay. >> seth: now -- before we do the next one you have twin sons. i met them backstage. [ laughter ] twin boys, are they impressed their dad is a cartoonist? >> not at all. >> seth: they're not impressed with their dad? >> the only time they were impressed a friend of mine, robert kirkman, who has been on before in "walking dead." >> seth: "the walking dead" >> so he's a friend of mine and we got to see a convention, they got to meet all the actors so i was cool for about five minutes. on the way home, i was stupid loser dad wouldn't take them to mcdonald's. >> seth: okay, gotcha. [ laughter ] that's a tough life. >> it's useless. >> seth: all right, who are we doing next? >> all right, election season, let's go topical, do you want to do hillary? >> seth: let's do trump. >> you want to go with trump? you want to go right down? [ laughter ] >> seth: i do. >> all right. >> seth: it should be easy since he's already a cartoon. >> real simple shape, boop. >> seth: boop. >> all right, time for the nose. >> seth: oh, interesting. [ laughter ] >> all right, he has a couple little lines. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, oh this is coming together. >> give him a couple little -- >> seth: oh, yep, that's good. [ laughter ] >> a little -- >> seth: uh-huh, yeah! [ laughter ] >> and, of course, he's got the little bag. >> seth: oh, yes he does! okay, all right, he has top bags. [ laughter ] >> yes --yeah. now, we're going to give him those big bushy eyebrows. >> seth: uh-huh, this is so great. >> yeah, you're getting there. now comes the mouth, this is the hard part, because it contorts into all kinds of different shapes. so, we're going to go a litle almost heart-shaped. >> seth: uh-huh. [ laughter ] >> down. >> seth: uh-huh. >> out, out. get that upper lip going. >> seth: uh-huh, okay. >> all right. yeah, you're doing good. >> seth: oh my god, this is great! [ laughter ] oh, my god! >> and of course the teeth are always uneven, the bottom teeth come up farther. you do that and you have the little jowell back there. >> seth: yep, there we go. >> now of course, the important part, the giant -- >> seth: oh, great. >> right? >> seth: okay. >> he doesn't like -- he lets the hair grow on the side so we will give him a couple little -- >> seth: yep, uh-huh. >> and maybe his ears. >> seth: right. okay. >> then we will do the hair sticking out, a little body and then the biggest part is his tiny little hands. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter and applause ] this is really good. >> you're talented! >> seth: yeah! >> you have a fallback career now. >> seth: yeah, it doesn't -- it feels like it's not quite done. >> i think we need a little color. >> seth: yeah. >> so, why don't we just kind of fill in with a little -- >> seth: okay. great. [ laughter ] >> all right. avoid the eyes. you can't have it in the eyes. >> seth: no, i don't care. [ laughter and applause ] there we go. that's fantastic! thank you so much for that education. chris eliopoulos, everybody! "i am george washington," and "i am jane goodall," are in stores now. we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ pat toomey: he was a founder of this pennsylvania bank and owned stock worth as much as a million dollars. under toomey's leadership, the bank used a controversial foreclosure practice called "confession of judgement" to take away homes from people across pennsylvania. the practice is banned in 35 states because it's considered predatory, but pat toomey didn't care. pat toomey the banker: he's really not for you. senate majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. and so when i saw that, that was completely disqualifying. i'm a republican, but this election is so much bigger than party. my son max can't live in trump world. so i'm crossing party lines and voting for hillary. i don't always agree with her, but she's reasonable. and she's smart. she can work with people to solve problems. i want to be able to tell my kids that i did the right thing when it really mattered. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. republican party bosses looked to find brian fitzpatrick. nearly three thousand miles - that's how far away they "hand-picked" him to run for his brother's seat. but all mike and brian fitzpatrick share is a name. brian fitzpatrick supports a radical republican agenda, including defunding planned parenthood, just like donald trump. a hundred and sixty miles down the road in dc, brian fitzpatrick will put his party first, not pennsylvania families. house majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. >> seth: my thanks to ashton kutcher, kevin millar, sean casey, chris eliopoulos, stanton moore, the 8g band. we'll see you in d.c. next week. that's me! have a good one! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> carson: hi i'm carson daly and you're watching "last call" from 230 fifth in new york city. we got a good one for you tonight. he's the lineup. in the spotlight we're gonna tell you everything you need t

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