Page 16 - Andy Borowitz News Today

Origin On Jan. 20, 2021, shortly after the inauguration of U.S. President Joe Biden, news reports circulated that, although former President Donald Trump had broken longstanding traditions like communicating with his successor and attending his inauguration ceremony, Trump did follow one tradition: He left a letter for Biden in the Oval Office, as CNN White House correspondent Kaitlan Collins reported: One of the first things President Biden will see when he enters the Oval for the first time i...

Dumping Trump, Ditching Mitch Ill Douche, Il Duce, Moscow Mitch and Beverly Hillbillies "Granny." In five days Joe Biden will be the 46th President of the United States. Unless of course, white supremacist insurrectionist MAGATS inflict more domestic terrorism as they did in their January 6 attack on the capitol. Or Trump resigns making Mike Pence the 46th POTUS. Demanding Pence overturn the electoral college results, he told his Vice-Poodle, “You can either go down in history as a patriot,...

Late-night hosts and other humorists have reacted to the mob violence at the Capitol with a combination of fury and solemnity that matches this moment of national crisis — and shows no sign of abating.

Funny New Year Quotes: Hilarious Sayings To Usher In 2021 12/31/20 AT 7:20 AM New Year is around the corner, and everyone hopes 2021 would treat them better than the past year. Here are some funny quotes – courtesy Brainy Quote, ThoughtCo and Bustle – to share with your loved ones or just read and laugh as you step into 2021.  1. "New Years is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resol...

Woogs World: We started 2020 with no idea Sign In Dan Woog FacebookTwitterEmail One year ago today we headed to large, festive open house parties (or headed back, hungover, from a large, festive night in New York). We ate, drank and wished each other a happy new year.  We had no idea what was coming. One day earlier – on Dec. 31, the last day of the decade – Chinese authorities acknowledged dozens of cases of a new virus. Though there was no evidence the virus spread easily, health officia...

The definition of coronavirus relief is Trump leaving office. – Andy Borowitz I will make this short. We wish all of you the best holiday that you can squeeze out of these trying times.  Please do what you can to stay alive and healthy. Americans have made it through tough times before, such as WWII. We are in this together. Masking, hand sanitizers and washing hands do make a difference. Do not let your guard down this holiday season. Thanks for reading. Hope to see you all here next year ...

Dick Brass: Trump fleeing US is no joke 16 Dec, 2020 04:00 PM 5 minutes to read Donald Trump himself has told American audiences he might have to leave the country. Photo / AP Donald Trump himself has told American audiences he might have to leave the country. Photo / AP OPINION: My Republican friends predict Trump will run for President in 2024 to regain power. I predict its more likely he will run for Moscow next year to avoid prison. The idea of Trump fleeing the US is at o...

Top networks, and live sports on the go. included with xfinity tv. xfinity the future of awesome. one upping plump is a tough assignment for comedy writers. really. thats what "the new yorker"s andy borowitz tells me. >> you take something and exaggerate it to shine a light on it. this whole age defies exaggeration. you have a president of the united states who is a former game show host. that sounds like something that would happen on a "shark nato" sequel. its difficult to satirize this stuf...

Its just makes me sad. its a sad day for me. >> reporter: sad because he said hed been betrayed by the trusted staff member he filed after incriminating e-mails surfaced suggesting christie allies closed toll lanes and created massive jams to retaliate against the democratic mayor of ft. lee, new jersey. >> clearly somebody is getting thrown under the bus here. fortunately for them, the bus isnt moving, its stuck in terrible traffic. >> reporter: humorist andy borowitz filed this update. all lan...

So they reported the amazon founder said the acquisition of the post was because of an unintentional mouse click. now, i have known andy since college, and im telling you now that was his most effective joke ever. up next, the most effective times report on how the nsa reads your e-mails. thank you. thats three new paper shredders. [ boris ] put em on my spark card. [ garth ] boris small business earns 2% cash back on every purchase every day. great businesses deserve unlimited rewards. read bac...