Page 17 - Andy Borowitz News Today

The dodge summer clearance event. right now get 0% financing for up to 72 months and no payments for 90 days on all dodge vehicles. the founder of amazon.com told reporters today that his report report reported purchase of "the washington post" was a gigantic mix-up, explaining he clicked on it by mistake, i guess i was just browsing on their website and not paying attention to what i was doing, he said. no way did i intend to buy anything. those words were written in "the new yorker" by andy ...

Didnt know it was a joke, that he was a comedy writer. so they reported the amazon founder said the acquisition of the post was because of an unintentional mouse click. now, i have known andy since college, and im telling you now that was his most effective joke ever. up next, the most effective times report on how the nsa reads your e-mails. chances are, youre not made of money, so dont overpay for boat insurance. geico, see how much you could save.

Comes from andy borowitz. praising congress for the fiscal cliff dean is like giving an award for an arsonist putting out his own fire. hello? hello?! if your bank doesnt let you talk to a real person 24/7, you need an ally. hello? ally bank. your money needs an ally.

Well, it has something to do with this famous groucho line. i dont want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. here is palin weighing in on "time" magazines selection of president obama for person of the year. >> "time" magazine, i think theres some irrelevancy there to tell you the truth. consider their list of the most influential people in the country and in the world, some who have made that list, yours truly. that ought to tell you something right there. >> that ought to tel...

Theres some irrelevancy there to tell you the truth. consider their list of the most influential people in the country and in the world, some who have made that list, yours truly. that ought to tell you something right there. >> that ought to tell you something right there. theres the groucho connection. she cant be on board with the pick because they considered her back in 2008. humor columnist andy borowitz went in a different direction saying mitt romney could be person of the year if the y...

Things that i have forgotten about these candidates history with stimulus. michael grunwald, author of the new book, "the new new deal," and jonathan capehart, thank you both for joining me tonight. >> thanks, lawrence. coming up, paul ryans first love has now turned into a bad romance. thats in the "rewrite." and, now that the suspense is out of this presidential election, andy borowitz will join me to look into the future as only he can and tell me who the presidential nominees will be in 20...

Well, if we dont run chris christie, romney will be the nominee and well lose. >> ann coulter was right, of course, about losing, if the republicans nominate mitt romney. which means, its time to consider who will be the next republican presidential nominee in 2016, when president obama completes his second term as president of the united states. and seeing that far into the future is beyond the range of mere political pundits, so joining me now, a man with a unique perspective on our politics, ...

Well, if we dont run chris christie, romney will be the nominee and well lose. >> ann coulter was right, of course, about losing, if the republicans nominate mitt romney. which means, its time to consider who will be the next republican presidential nominee in 2016, when president obama completes his second term as president of the united states. and seeing that far into the future is beyond the range of mere political pundits, so joining me now, a man with a unique perspective on our politics, ...

Michael grunwald, author of the new book, "the new new deal," and jonathan capehart, thank you both for joining me tonight. >> thanks, lawrence. coming up, paul ryans first love has now turned into a bad romance. thats in the "rewrite." and, now that the suspense is out of this presidential election, andy borowitz will join me to look into the future as only he can and tell me who the presidential nominees will be in 2016. thats coming up. that has changed the modern world... would define you ...

hello, everyone. im erin burnett. "outfront," taxes, presidential candidate rick perry on the heels of last nights presidential debate, proposing a flat tax. >> scrapping the 3 million words of the current tax code starting over with something simpler. a flat tax. >> a flat tax has one big problem. if you tax everyone at the same rate, people who make less get hit harder and pay more than the current system. the flat tax was popularized by steve forbes during his two presidential runs,...