Page 21 - Borowitz Report News Today

“Insurrect me once, shame on you; insurrect me twice, shame on me; insurrect me three times, it’s time to have a serious talk about this,” the bill’s sponsor said.

Hosted by Paul Holdengräber, The Quarantine Tapes chronicles shifting paradigms in the age of social distancing. Each day, Paul calls a guest for a brief discussion about how they are experiencing the global pandemic. * The Quarantine Tapes, Paul Holdengräber is joined by Andy Borowitz. Andy is a writer for The New Yorker, and he talks with Paul about some of the fascinating challenges and successes of writing satire. Speaking on Inauguration Day, they dig into Andy’s experiences writing ...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Unveiling a bold new plan to fight the coronavirus, President Biden called on Americans to stay at home next month and watch the impeachment trial. “I recognize that I’m asking everyone to make a tremendous sacrifice,” he said. “That’s why I’m issuing a stay-at-home order only for a time when there’s something really good on TV.” The President denied that asking all Americans to watch the im...

Save this story for later. MEMPHIS (The Borowitz Report)—QAnon, which has hemorrhaged supporters since Inauguration Day, has announced that it is merging with the conspiracy theory that claims Elvis Presley is still alive. The announcement, made at a press conference in a parking lot across the street from Graceland, Presley’s longtime home, was seen as a bid to prevent QAnon from vanishing altogether. The overture to the Elvis conspiracy theorists came after QAnon proposed a similar merger...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A newly unchained Dr. Anthony Fauci stunned the White House press corps on Friday when he recited the entire periodic table of elements at a coronavirus briefing. Without warning, the esteemed virologist named all of the hundred and eighteen chemical elements on the table, starting with hydrogen and ending with oganesson, along with their abbreviations and atomic numbers. “That felt amazing!” Fauci exclaimed, visibly throbbing wi...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of liberals were traumatized on Tuesday when they found themselves in agreement with Mitch McConnell, liberals are reporting. From Santa Monica, California, to the Upper West Side of Manhattan, liberals sought emergency counselling, complaining of a range of symptoms after realizing that they were on the same side as the senator from Kentucky. Carol Foyler, a liberal from Austin, Texas, said that she experienced lightheadedn...

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Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the prospect a “nightmare scenario,” Betsy DeVos warned that President-elect Joe Biden will pick an Education Secretary with a background in education. The outgoing Education Secretary warned that putting someone with a “pro-education bias” in her job would be like “naming a fox to be Secretary of Hens.” “For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said. “I...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a widely expected outcome, a horrible student was rejected by a college on Monday. The college’s decision to reject the student was unsurprising given his poor performance in such important subjects as science, math, history, and spelling. Although the student was reportedly taking his rejection badly, a college spokesperson said that the news should have come as no surprise. “He was told that he wasn’t getting in more than ...

Here is that ms. pelosi and the leadership the democratically the leadership the house, has demonstrated clearly that this was all about affecting the 2020 election. and has nothing to do with ukraine or 2016 or 2017, or 2018 or 2019. it is about 2020. >> on again to the fisa quote because we do areis deputy ag of course that gives youar some responsibility over the fbi. as you look at the borowitz report, is the behavior that it documents behind the fbi and its submissions to the quote. is that...