Page 19 - Borowitz Report News Today

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an employment trend that industry leaders are calling “dire,” thousands of Presidential fact checkers have been laid off during Joe Biden’s first hundred days in office. Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of the American Society of Presidential Fact Checkers, said that Biden has single-handedly destroyed the employment picture for many of the group’s members. “Over the past three months, America�...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene lambasted President Biden’s proposal for free preschool by declaring, “I refuse to go.” Speaking to reporters, the Georgia congresswoman called preschool “just another form of mind control” and said that she would rather “hold my breath until I turn blue” than attend such a school. “Joe Biden would like nothing better than to see me sitting on a colorful...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, a leading member of the new America First caucus, is calling for the development of what she called “Anglo-Saxon space lasers.” “Anglo-Saxons have for too long ceded space-laser superiority to the airborne laser beams of foreign banking élites,” she said. “This shall not stand on my watch.” She took the opportunity to reassure her concerned QAnon supporters that she would be able to...

Facebook adds labels to satire pages because people can’t tell what’s real So people stop sharing satire thinking its real news Story by Shares Facebook has begun adding labels to satire pages so that it can make extra sure that people aren’t confusing satire for, you know, real news. While internet-saavy folk generally know how to tell ‘real’ news apart from satire, the truth is that many Facebook users do not. It is too common of an occurrence to see someone share an ...

Save this story for later. ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign that Republicans’ war on the carbonated beverage could be backfiring, a new poll of Georgia’s voters finds Governor Brian Kemp losing overwhelmingly to a can of Coca-Cola. According to the poll, which has a margin of error of four points, seventy-one per cent of Georgia voters preferred a can of the fizzy drink, while only twenty-three per cent chose Kemp. Although the can of soda predictably performed better than...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Mitch McConnell urged the nation’s largest corporations to follow his example and not get involved in governing the country. Speaking to reporters, the Senate Minority Leader said that he “could have easily used my position over the years to make the country a better place, but I have wisely resisted that temptation.” “Whether it was giving Americans affordable health care or passing stronger gun laws, I have been car...

Greene said that the absence of a dome made the bill a “non-starter.”

Reeling off a list of the offensively long words in Biden’s speech, Trump singled out “hyperbole,” “administer,” and “effective.”

Save this story for later. ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—Republicans in the Georgia Senate passed a new bill that would allow some voting in certain situations. Senator Harland Dorrinson, who sponsored the bill, said that the legislation stopped short of other Republican proposals that would have banned voting altogether, but was still “a good step forward.” “Under this bill, voting in Georgia will be legal but rare,” he said. “This legislation will stop the runaway growth in voting...

Allegedly, the former President will hop over the White House fence and begin hiding brightly colored eggs on the South Lawn.