Page 18 - Borowitz Report News Today

“Eric is responsible for everything it has ever done.”

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Republicans on Capitol Hill are arguing that a proposed January 6th commission is uncalled for because the rioters were merely middle schoolers on a field trip. Speaking to reporters, Senator Ron Johnson, of Wisconsin, said that, after reviewing footage of the riot, “It’s plain to see that this was just a bunch of middle-school kids who got a little rowdy.” “I’ve had teen-agers, and I know what kind of horseplay and tomfool...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what legal experts are calling a highly unorthodox arrangement, Donald J. Trump has commanded Representative Kevin McCarthy to go to prison in his place. Although Trump has denied any and all wrongdoing, he told the House Minority Leader to be prepared to plead guilty if the current criminal investigation of the Trump Organization “turns nasty,” sources familiar with the agreement said. McCarthy, who appeared shaken after agre...

“It’s unfair and, quite frankly, a disgrace,” the former President said.

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a solemn swearing in as the new House Republican Conference chair, Representative Elise Stefanik vowed to defend Donald J. Trump from the United States Constitution. With House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy officiating, Stefanik raised her right hand and rested her left on a first edition of “The Art of the Deal.” “I, Elise Stefanik, do solemnly swear to preserve, protect, and defend Donald J. Trump from the Constitution of...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Consolidating her position as America’s foremost Trump loyalist, Representative Elise Stefanik stunned political insiders on Wednesday by replacing Ivanka Trump as one of the former President’s daughters. According to those familiar with the shakeup, Donald Trump made the move after Stefanik spent months convincing him that she was substantially more loyal than his now former daughter. In an official statement from Mar-a...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Anthony Fauci has revealed that nausea and a splitting headache are two common symptoms of talking to Rand Paul. The esteemed virologist disclosed that he had taken part in a clinical study that required him to converse with the senator from Kentucky several times in a one-year period. In addition to nausea and headaches, those who come in contact with Paul’s voice may experience “a sensation of wanting to be anywhere but there,�...

Save this story for later. MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA (The Borowitz Report)—In a petition signed by a staggering number of the platform’s users, millions are asking Facebook to ban their relatives. The signatories to the petition praised Facebook for its decision to ban the online rants of Donald J. Trump, but argued that the move “does not go far enough.” “A major source of conspiracy theories, misinformation, and hate-mongering still exists on Facebook—namely, our relatives,” the pe...

Trump said that the new social-media platform will be run by his former attorney Rudolph Giuliani, “so you know it’s going to be terrific.”

Save this story for later. TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Governor Ron DeSantis announced that Florida will lift its coronavirus restrictions in order to focus all its attention on voting restrictions. “While the danger posed by the virus has largely dissipated, voting remains as dangerous as ever,” DeSantis said. The Governor indicated that he was “taking a hard look” at indoor voting, which he said was responsible for “many bad outcomes,” and noted that outdoor voting, involv...