Page 16 - Borowitz Report News Today

“Bankruptcy is scary the first time you do it,” Trump said. “But once you’ve done it five or six times it’s the easiest and most beautiful thing in the world.”

The Russian President’s entire plan for invading Ukraine was predicated on the false assumption that the Ukrainians “would act like Trump,” one source indicated.

“I had thought that it was clear that I didn’t mean Tucker Carlson when I said ‘journalists.’ ”

“As Putin watched Trump call him smart, all the blood drained from his face,” a source said. “He was clearly shaken.”

“Our high-school kids are exposed to many dangers on a daily basis,” one parent said. “No danger is greater than Matt Gaetz.”

Read more from Andy Borowitz on The New Yorker

The customer began taping together the shredded documents and found several relating to national defense.

The former President has been “living in terror” of receiving a draft notice from Vladimir Putin to serve with the Russian forces massing on the border of Ukraine.

“Losing control of the most powerful nation on earth was a bitter pill for me to swallow,” the Russian President said.

“Breyer was cool, because whenever we had a party at the courthouse he was good for one Solo cup—two, tops,” Kavanaugh told reporters.