Page 17 - Borowitz Report News Today

“Given how hard he tried to keep them from being released, those must be some e-mails,” the former Secretary of State said.

“You’ve got to talk sense to my dad,” she pleaded. “You’re the only one he listens to.”

“If you want to win the war on Christmas, first you take out the person who makes Christmas possible,” Greene said.

“Kids skip his house, because he just gives out coal,” one neighbor said.

The ex-kingpin said that he was speaking “out of an abundance of caution.”

Reflecting on his purported win, Trump said, “I’ve always wanted to be the Chancellor of Germany. That’s a title that’s been held by some very fine people.”

“When it was time to delegitimize the election results, where was Facebook?” Ted Cruz said.

The Governor’s favorability numbers are plummeting among Floridians who describe themselves as “somewhat,” “very,” or “strongly” opposed to being dead.

The President said he had “no idea” why Trump had reacted so negatively to the idea of dog-sitting Major, whose obedience training “has been going really well.”

A supporter, Harland Dorrinson, said that skeptics who protest that Trump University ceased to exist in 2010 “don’t know what they’re talking about.”