Page 15 - Borowitz Report News Today

“The Second Amendment calls for a well-regulated militia necessary to secure a free state,” Biden said. “I can’t think of a better description of what’s going on in Ukraine.”

The bid for Twitter is believed to be the largest corporate takeover ever proposed by a bot, mergers-and-acquisitions experts say.

“I had never read it before, so it took me a moment to figure out what it was,” the senator from Maine said.

“The United States Constitution explicitly protects my right to an uninterrupted flow of beer,” the Supreme Court Justice declared.

The jurist said that, after work last Friday, he dropped into a bar near the Supreme Court “to have a few pops,” and inadvertently forgot to take his briefcase when he left.

Press Democrat readers comment on crime, desert surfing, and more.

“It’s the darnedest gizmo,” the congressman said. “You speak into it, and then it can play your voice back, clear as day. I can’t for the life of me figure out how it works.”

“I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when suddenly a Jewish teleporting beam levitated me into the hull of the orbiter,” Greene said.

“When I asked her if she thought babies were racist, I was sure that would do the trick.”

G.O.P. members argued that democracy “must be allowed to thrive within the territorial borders of Ukraine and should not be permitted to leak out into Florida, Texas, or Georgia.”