Page 13 - Borowitz Report News Today

“As amazing an attorney as I am now, can you imagine me with a law degree?” Giuliani said. “Get out of here!”

“It turns out that national-security documents are not only loaded with secrets—they’re chock-full of fibre,” Oz said.

On Aug. 25, 1835, The New York Sun ran the first of several newspaper columns on the moon's geography, vegetation and humanoid inhabitants. There was just one problem.

Andy Borowitz — the Jewish satirist behind the New Yorker's Borowitz Report — will discuss his book, “Profiles in Ignorance,” Sept. 17 in S.F.

Wobbling from side to side and slurring his words, the former mayor of New York made the allegations in the parking lot of Ritz-Carlton Total Cattle Feed.

“If both of these things happened, what Hunter did was far worse,” Carlson said.

“There’s math, there’s science. Not gonna happen,” the ex-President said.

“It’s got to be around here somewhere,” one F.B.I. agent said.

After the Senate’s passage of the Inflation Reduction Act, McConnell declared, “The hallowed customs of this Capitol have been shredded forever.”

“We at the Justice Department can think of no one better to represent you than Alex Jones’s lawyers,” Attorney General Merrick Garland wrote to the former President.