Page 12 - Borowitz Report News Today

“When you imagine what you could do with ten billion dollars, you immediately think of building new roads or schools,” a citizen of Montenegro said. “But America’s roads and schools must be in excellent shape, if they can afford to spend ten billion dollars on elections instead.”

“When I read that the U.K’s malignant narcissist decided not to run again, I got really mad,” Harland Dorrinson, of San Jose, California, said. “Why do they get a malignant narcissist like that?”

“I can control the Tyrannosaurus Dinozord,” the Senate candidate insisted. “Raphael Warnock can’t say that.”

The Fox News host called the jury’s decision a “direct attack on the lying life style.”

During the second half of the Trump years, Andy Borowitz went on a comedy tour called “Make America Not Embarrassing Again.” If this sounds like a partisan enterprise, it kind of was. In his act, Borowitz, the celebrated name behind the satirical...

“The most dangerous place for a complete sentence is inside Herschel Walker’s mouth,” one critic said.

“This proposal is maybe the most reckless ever set forth by a President,” she said. “It will lead to rampant education and wonton [sic] learning.”

“Profiles in Ignorance — How America’s Politicians Got Dumb and Dumber” is funny because its true — and nutty.

Andy Borowitz's new book, Profiles in Ignorance, reveals he is not up to the challenges of the post-Trump era.

“If I had those things right now, I wouldn’t be getting my ass kicked all over Kharkiv,” the Russian President said.