Page 11 - Borowitz Report News Today

“Adults say they’re expecting more stress in 2023, survey finds,” warned an NBC News headline a few weeks ago. I was planning on a happy new year, but this negative story has raised my anxiety...

“I’m deeply honored by the display of grudging acceptance,” the new House Speaker said. “It’s time for a victory lap.”

In addition to the check, Walker said that he would give McCarthy a free ride from the Capitol and a get-well card.

“Of all of the firms offering big returns on made-up money, this one seemed the most solid,” a resident of London said.

In interviews from coast to coast, citizens expressed a combination of puzzlement and disbelief at the bombshell revelation.

The eighteenth-century document was reportedly found under a stack of hastily packed items, including several pairs of socks and the Oval Office’s television remote.

“They’re going to count up all the votes and, shazam, whoever got more votes is the winner,” the Republican Senate candidate said. “How is that fair?”

“I haven’t read the Constitution, but, from what I’ve been told, most of it is a waste of paper, quite frankly.”

Neo-Nazis complained that the restaurant had “slow service,” “drab décor,” and “too many ethnic dishes.”

“It’s a humbling reminder of just how unpredictable politics can be,” a G.O.P. strategist said.