Page 9 - Borowitz Report News Today

“Mr. Trump had not been expecting to receive thoughts and prayers,” Mike Lindell, of MyPillow, said. “He’s mainly been focussing on donations.”

The Georgia congresswoman was photographed eating the Judaic sausage in Times Square while en route to having her picture taken with Elmo.

Mrs. Trump offered no explanation for donning the garment other than that she “was really in the mood to wear it tonight.”

“If this cabal of Manhattan élites think that they’re going to get away with not indicting me, they are gravely mistaken,” Lake said.

If not arrested by Friday, Trump said, “I will perform a citizen’s arrest on myself.”

“What you use your personal money for is your own personal business,” the Speaker of the House said.

“This was a hundred per cent my idea and something I wanted to do,” the Speaker of the House said.

The augmentation was installed earlier this week in order to give the Governor ample time walking at higher elevation.

The new theme park will attract “millions of Americans deprived of their favorite comic strip by the left-wing media Reich,” the Florida governor said.

“This was a waste of a perfectly good balloon,” China’s President, Xi Jinping, reportedly griped.